I went back to finish up that last post I had posted, and I realize that it came across a little bit as a downer. Right now, Finn is sleeping on Baker’s chest (and making the sweetest little noises. They love sleeping chest to chest…. it has been their “thing” since his first night, and I imagine it always will be. Or, well, you know, while he’s still little enough to sleep on her) and the computer was within reach, so I figured I would give you an update on how it is going.
Have I already said that I feel like we won the baby lottery? Because I feel like we did. Finn is so amazing. He doesn’t cry (except when he needs something. I don’t even have to provide that “something” to make him stop crying, I just have to make movement in that direction, and it’s like he knows that I am working on it, and there is no need to fuss.
Also, I have a new reason for living, and that is his smile. He smiled at me the other day for the first time. I mean, we have had a lot of gassy smiles, and some that were possibly real, but this was the first cause and effect, genuine on purpose smile. And I fall in love with that little bugger all over again, and now I spend my days waiting for the next one. Because his smile will mealt your friggin’ heart.
So far, like I said life is a lot different, and we are learning how to cope with it. It’s not just us anymore: the world is watching. It hasn’t been uncommon for Baker and me to make midnight errand runs…. in fact, it’s always kind of been our thing. The other night, I needed to get out of the house, so we went to Target at about 9:00. Neither of us thought twice about it, Finn isn’t sleeping at nine and he loves car rides. We did our shopping (he graduated a size in diapers. My baby is growing up soo fast.) and got in the checkout lane. Some guy (who, Baker later told me, had no chin) made some comment about us having a baby out “that late”. It’s a good thing that I didn’t hear that man because if I had…… well, let’s just say that a lack of sleep and an insult to my very new motherhood might not be a good mix….
But I didn’t hear him, so no one was hurt.
It did make me realize that I am no longer an island. I can no longer sneak into a store in my jammie pants because all eyes are on me. Every one wants to see the baby. Everyone wants to give you baby coupons. Everyone wants to do something that involves the baby, and me by default.
I am having some unexpected feelings lately. Mostly guilt. I am Finn’s preferred person and I feel sooo damn guilty about that. I mean, he adores Baker (she can calm him like nobodies business) but I have the boobies, so I am basically instant gratification walking. And the guilt comes from feeling so good about these moments, and fearing that I am taking something away from Baker. She assures me that I am not, but I can’t help my feelings. I’m going to work on that. I would talk to the counselor about it, but we aren’t seeing her anymore. Why, you ask? Because she called me fat.
She was trying to explain addiction to me, and since I haven’t ever had any addiction issues, she tried to put it in terms of something I would understand. She went with “not being able to stop yourself from eating” because I “obviously have struggled with my weight”.
Bitch, please. You met me when I was 8 months pregnant. And then you called me fat two weeks after I had a baby. You have no idea what I look like “for real” so why would you, as a woman who has struggled with her own weight issues, assume that I have issues of my own. Fuck her. Yeah, I could lose the baby weight, but let my body stop bleeding and my cesarean heal up a bit before you put me on the effin treadmill, would you?
So, I’m not going to be talking to her again. I’ll hold a grudge, just watch me.
…
Here are a couple of pictures: The first is his week five photo. The second is one I took of Baker and Finn when he was two weeks old. 
Aren’t they beautiful?
Two Mommies 
