I am the baker. Sorry I am late. Although there is a lot to talk about and catch up on- I am going to start at the beginning. I made a recording 223 days ago, the first time I really held my son. It was thirty-one weeks…six days ago…the seasons have changed three times since, as have I- in more ways than I realized as I transcribed this recording… I think the first thing that stands out is, “who says this kind of crap before umm..well before making a baby- although I am glad to have a record of events and feelings- I can see now where the frustrations from the oven originate. sorry.
Getting pregnant in our bedroom with rudimentary equipment to say the least, a sterile cup of a billion swimming chromosomes and the kind of fairy tale optimism that only little girls can conjure- it is an aged and descript tale woven through the years of awkward external female socializing with a twist of devout internal knowledge…all lesbians are hardwired to find “the one” and live happily ever after with that family that finally functions despite original dysfunction…the details vary but the little girl mysticism remains. And so did the oven and I make that decision to put a bun in the oven, along with some crazy belief that this night was the first night in many romantic baby making nights to come…nights of perfecting this new craft; nights of long-awaited passion to reconnect our six years of college, career and continuity; nights of dreamy pillow talk about us and who we are going to be and what kind of family will we create-we were prepared that this might take a year or more to work (especially without “help”). That did not happen- and as much as I like to play the “I knew we were pregnant from the get go” card- I had no idea the implications and emotions that came along with the “oops I knocked you up” scenario. As much as I am happy that we were given the gift so quickly…I would have liked to have practiced a few more times before the pregnancy took my oven away from me… well I have plenty to talk about- but first, my last words as non-parent.
As I transcribed this, I realized that I am lucky that anything was able to happen with my neurotic last words spewed forth..I was nervous, and I am very lucky that I have a partner that knows and accepts me for who I am…because this is a really terrible prelude to making a baby..
It is labeled in my iphone as: Stalling five billion sperm…
The Baker: “It goes without saying that this past week has been undoubtedly with its ups and downs. It is the strangest thing to go from talking about, researching, and really thinking through the process of having a child and becoming a parent to actually putting those thoughts, plans, and information into action…which I will forever go down remembering the story like this: Things began happening- and it seemed all at once-here we were out of college, Bachelors degrees in hand and three years into establishing careers in the worst economy in our lives. We had migrated to a little mountain town an hour north east of Sacramento because of an economic, and medical downturn. At this time we had some semblance of family which was a partial draw to the area; however we began to bare witness to the deterioration of that & we found ourselves on our own. Fastforward two years- still employed by the same companies-add in our own photography & graphic design business…all of the sudden The Oven is no longer satisfied with the silver band that signified our devotion & legal domestic partnership with one another, she wanted a real ring. This is not like The Oven; however, it is a pleasure of mine to take care of her…but it must be stressed that this was not just a whimsical “oh lets get a pretty sparkly ring, ” it was a measure of utmost importance, and it could not wait. Within ONE WEEK following the ring came the resurfacing of the baby decision we made three years prior- only IT WAS TIME..the clock was ticking. I will always remember that from the moment she said, “ok it is time.” All of the pieces fell into place…every detail of that “fairytale” unfolded down to the gender..Before I was in the knowning, but not out of trying to hide anything- The Oven found a forum- and I have to say-good for The Oven- had she not pushed me beyond my longing for a child into making decisions and motions that moved us towards a child-I would have remained in my comfort zone and continued to talk about it occasionally. And I am not sure when I am supposed to get to the part where I say that I have billions of sperm staying warm under my right boob…but things went fast- we put a post on the forum, got tons of hits from all kinds of donors- even some that wanted to do it “naturally”- not an option! They sent photos of themselves-the that was then now look at me types..we had our pic-but lets just say on the creep factor some of them were creepshow. Then we found him- he was amazing-inside, outside, upsidedown! He had all the goods- we connected-shared our information and our story…we filled out a list of questions. The oven was adimant that this was taken very seriously-we were afterall, interviewing for the biggest job of our lives. It was a Friday night and we decided that we would make it a date- and together we would fill out the questionairre from our potential donor, as well as create our questions for him. Instead of getting right to it, we made dinner together and had a very thoughtful talk about his questions and our answers, and what it would be like-and decidely waited spending that saturday together completely devoting ourselves to the interview…I will tell you that straight and dead off the bat, off the charts- you could see that The oven was through the roof about this..I don’t know that there were words to describe it- there isn’t verbage to describe what was going on from my perspective, but she changed for me during this process- she was so..there was.. she…for a woman who was so…who could take it or leave it..for a woman who is as easy going..and indifferent..could take it or leave it-having children..when asked why do you want kids- the most predominant answer that stands out in my mind is, “because you want children” and we had talked about wanting children, and decided three years ago that we were going to…I never recall hearing the oven express what having children would fulfill inside of her, never a strong answer- Why do you want kids oven?-
The Oven: “I just do-It is just time.”
The Baker: “She just wants em. SO, Straight away the oven was on 10- thoughtfully answering question after question with careful precision. She was very concerned that this might be bringing up negative imagery and issues connected to the situation with my not knowing my biological father because my mother was in high school and for her own reasons chose not to chance the life my biological father had to offer-she held out and hooked up with my father of 33 years. (I am 37)- but because of the head unjury and god bless the man that was operating that weed whacker a few weeks ago- and launched that lug nut across the parking lot cracking me in the head because she knows things about my emotional state regarding that which I am completely cluesless about right now..because she closed the laptop a couple times that day and gave me a look, and pushed some buttons, to see if I was truly as disconnected as I am- and I am..nothing to work through as of yet. Which is good..so here I am the one that you love- next we wait for him to respond to our mail-would he accept us? Were we good enough for his 6’7”, blonde, blue, impeckable health and family pedigree…just chisled from the handbook of God. The Oven could barely stand the wait for his response. A couple days later he finally checks his email, and as I said- this whole thing unfolded for us and we were accepted through the prescreening. So the oven decides, because of the numbers and how she is ovulating- that we should immediately have a phone conversation -so we did that on a lunch break together..so we got othe phone together-front seat 2001 Jetta VR6-Bill Stevens our small dog, The Oven, and myself-speaker phone…we knew immediatley that it was right. I mean we got right into it, and talked about the good- the bad- the ugly- the embarrassing- the what the hell’s- the how the hell’s-the what’s the bests- the whats the do’s-the don’ts- the, you know..and this man-sculpted by GOD- was just amazing. So going with this whole process,including the-it just so happens that she is ovulating or soon to be- which we told him, and he decided that we needed to meet the very next day…and so we meet him for lunch-and we get to the resteraunt, and I am told by the oven to please act normal…I am starting to wonder what is going to happen, or come out of me now that I am anxious and nervous, and now I have to behave..this is the best way to have me act very abnormal- but The Oven being nervous as well-just wants this to be perfect…so I hugged her and reminded her that if he didn’t like us, and didn’t like me who is always the baker on 10 plus ten plus ten plus ten plus… so no worries..we will make and take whatever comes our way. So in we go- guns blazing..and he told us that he thought that we’d be great parents..and that we should move forward on this..so he came over..and what the hell…what I really wanted to talk about is what the hell am I supposed to feel like now? Because in the beginning I had this feeling like- Oh yea! Parent Schmarent! I got this- I can do a hell of a better job than was done by me..and I kind of believed that if I could do that- I would be ok..I also have 20 years experience with high risk youth and multiple populations of people and ages with the widest variety of abnormal behavioral and life experiences…so that has to count as preparation..I have raised more teenagers than my parents, and their parents and The Oven’s parents combined..I could say-do and stand up to my mom, and I was easily expressing to her how she will and won’t be talking to and around my child-she is Polly Perfect and I am her Lesbian Black Sheep- but it was still empowering–so there I am: solid in my beliefs- and I have a few months to work out any little kinks-I am solidified in my feelings, and there is no way that even my own mom can unravel me anymore..I have got this..I am on my game- I have thought it through and all these years, all the changes, all the mountains I have conquered, and climbed and things I have put to rest..the person I am now is finally in line with who I want to be-I am unshakable….and then all of the sudden the future is in my hand and I am holding my son or daughter literally for the first time..well half of them at least..and all of the sudden I lost it…and I am nervous..oh yea, I am stalling HUGE..I am nervous and all of the sudden I had this whole talk with myself, and this speech I have with myself takes on a life and I say it over and over to myself until I really believe.and I had that but this time I am all the sudden feeling every little everything and all the sudden I am questioning things on my terms- not as a comparison to everything and anything external- but all the sudden I am questioning and comparing me to me in a whole way I have never experienced. I am truly wondering if all of the sudden I am going to change, and be a parent…what is going to change? How will it all work? I never want you to want for anything and I have half of you in my hands right now…I can tell you right now- I am completely in love with you already, even just the idea of you..
The Oven:”Come on stop stalling, lets do this”
The Baker: “your mom is really bossy, and she is going to boss me around until the end of time…and that’s it..I love you.”
…somewhere between these words and the next 72 hours he was a zygote.
-the baker.
Two Mommies 
