Tuesday, October 26, 2021
Sadness and Gladness
The past - it hits like a train. Beautiful moments, and then sad moments.
Regrets and achievements.
I loved hard. I failed hard. I fell hard.
And now sadness that rises from within, too quick for me to stop.
I almost forgot I had them. I didnt realize I could still shed tears.
Had I lose my humanity along the way?
The sadness I found makes me happy.
The sadness I feel had remove my blind.
Ironically it makes me feel alive.
An unintentional find. A stumble for a new revelation. I hope this is not temporary.
Had I forgotten how to be human?
Buried feelings, repressed sorrow - only strength on the outer shell that builds up the current look.
Ruthless overachiever and an unworthy perfectionist.
Peering inside, I see the cold, numb, emotionless heart.
More self reflection - I see rage, bitterness from years of rumination.
I had loved hard in the past. Missing our happy moments, I am glad we had them.
Our youthful innocence in those care free days of my life are one of the best moments in my life. I hope it is for you too.
I dont want to lose myself in the regrets of the should-haves and the could-bes.
Had I lose my humanity along the way?
I yearn to love hard again.
More moments of being sensitive rather than being cynical.
This sadness feels rather familiar - one that previously make me a grounded,sensitive, and a more humble character.
I need to hope more rather than cope.
Find gladness in my sadness.
Address the hollow in my sorrow.
Being lonely, yet I know I am not alone.
Appreciating the ones who loves me. - They are not the enemy. They are not the problem.
Remove this blinds. Remove my binds.
I used to be way nicer in person, I think.
Had I lose my humanity along the way?
I miss having long walks in the evening and night.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Some quiz
Read over some blogs from friends and came across another "know your personality" test thingy.
Some true, some not. My take is that...human personality is so much more complex to be summarized with just a series of 10 questions. Anyway here's the results just for fun. Good way to revive the old blog :)
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Read over some blogs from friends and came across another "know your personality" test thingy.
Some true, some not. My take is that...human personality is so much more complex to be summarized with just a series of 10 questions. Anyway here's the results just for fun. Good way to revive the old blog :)
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.
How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.
Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Pour
Been experiencing heavy downpours in Penang the last few days.
Everything's wet and uncomfortable, and I had really hard times waking up every morning for work :) That said, I love the rain, I love the relief it brought, like as if its washing and cleansing the land. I love the wet smell, of it after. I love the drizzling sounds , or the torrential ones hitting on the roofs. Kinda make you feel cosy and relieved.
And lately, I had been preparing my heart for a separation. And my decision to pour out my heart's content makes me uncomfortable, and very vulnerable. Yet, I felt the relief, and for all in all , I had no regrets doing this. Its like smelling the wet grass after the pour. Also I am glad I uncovered things I didnt expect you would say, well it is such a beautiful release. Never thought I would had fallen in this situation again. Oh well...the similarities of it all is that there is always hope and something fresh after each "pourings".
So yea, I love the heavy pours :)
Been experiencing heavy downpours in Penang the last few days.
Everything's wet and uncomfortable, and I had really hard times waking up every morning for work :) That said, I love the rain, I love the relief it brought, like as if its washing and cleansing the land. I love the wet smell, of it after. I love the drizzling sounds , or the torrential ones hitting on the roofs. Kinda make you feel cosy and relieved.
And lately, I had been preparing my heart for a separation. And my decision to pour out my heart's content makes me uncomfortable, and very vulnerable. Yet, I felt the relief, and for all in all , I had no regrets doing this. Its like smelling the wet grass after the pour. Also I am glad I uncovered things I didnt expect you would say, well it is such a beautiful release. Never thought I would had fallen in this situation again. Oh well...the similarities of it all is that there is always hope and something fresh after each "pourings".
So yea, I love the heavy pours :)
Monday, August 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Faith
Many a times, we tend to believe that we of the same faith embraced in Christ automatically means we have no more problems in life. Accept Him, and we are bigger than life. Believe in God, and we are not supposed to have any more issues in life. And if we really do face problems..be it external circumstances or internal issues, then there must be something wrong with us.
Are we "not having enough faith" ?
Or are we not spiritual enough?
Do God love us lesser?
Try Sharing your heart to other fellow believer, and most will give you that pitiful and sorry look and immediately quote you biblical verses. I wonder how much do they really care to listen and understand the issue , or are they just immediately trying to recall some bible verses in their mind to just throw out a nice answer. Not all are like that by the way, it does happen.
Take note, I am not writing this based on myself,at least not solely but something I do observe many years as a faith-follower.
In contrast, I usually respect friends who are sincere in their struggles and make no effort in sugar coating them. I tend to appreciate them more, for being open and honest, it makes them ...well human! Also I find these people are the ones who usually get things done in Ministries in despite their problems.
On the other hand, many are really good at just talking eloquently (praying beautiful prayers, quoting scriptural words in their own comfort) but you will see less action from them :).
Good facade I would say.
I rather have sincere friends whom are honest with their imperfections than friends who puts out a perfect "halo" but are fake inside.
Honestly, it kinds of bugs me, disgusted to say the least.
Lets be real.
My stand on this view is that we of the same faith are still human. We have the same problems like everyone else. External issues, like cancer, job loss , accidents, all do happen at the same rate as everyone else. And the same goes with our internal struggles, I know of friends(Christians by the way) with depressions, suicidal thoughts, relationship issue, even same sexual orientation tendency and many more.And friends sharing with us doesn't do that because we always have the right answers,but because they trust us enough for a listening ear!
And strangely,we don't tend to share this thoughts openly because "Christians are not supposed to have this kind of problems" . What gives the right to judge?And Maybe thats what makes honesty very hard in this sense. Too judgemental we could be sometimes. And that's why I sometimes do feel it's easier to share some things more openly to my friends from a different faith!
I remember a verse I think in Ecclesiastes,that says somewhere along the line, that the sun shines and the rains fall on both the good men and the bad. Which I believe it meant that the same circumstances falls on everyone as long we are living in this planet no matter Christian or otherwise. And everything said, my stand is that we do acknowledge our problems are real, and big....but Our God is Bigger and in Control!
So really,what supposedly makes us as Christians different from others?
Its not because we are supposed to have all the answers to every problems.
(And please stop acting like one)
I personally think ideally we should be different by the love we show and ACT out. And if we cant even begin by caring our own members/friends of the same faith, like pretending everything will be alright after a some few minutes prayers and then totally forget about it, then I think this is just a hypocritical show we run every week :)
Alrights,actually I am writing this in response to a very close friend who takes courage in sharing personal issues and struggles.I appreciate that friend even more.
Just some food for thoughts unleashed here :)
Many a times, we tend to believe that we of the same faith embraced in Christ automatically means we have no more problems in life. Accept Him, and we are bigger than life. Believe in God, and we are not supposed to have any more issues in life. And if we really do face problems..be it external circumstances or internal issues, then there must be something wrong with us.
Are we "not having enough faith" ?
Or are we not spiritual enough?
Do God love us lesser?
Try Sharing your heart to other fellow believer, and most will give you that pitiful and sorry look and immediately quote you biblical verses. I wonder how much do they really care to listen and understand the issue , or are they just immediately trying to recall some bible verses in their mind to just throw out a nice answer. Not all are like that by the way, it does happen.
Take note, I am not writing this based on myself,at least not solely but something I do observe many years as a faith-follower.
In contrast, I usually respect friends who are sincere in their struggles and make no effort in sugar coating them. I tend to appreciate them more, for being open and honest, it makes them ...well human! Also I find these people are the ones who usually get things done in Ministries in despite their problems.
On the other hand, many are really good at just talking eloquently (praying beautiful prayers, quoting scriptural words in their own comfort) but you will see less action from them :).
Good facade I would say.
I rather have sincere friends whom are honest with their imperfections than friends who puts out a perfect "halo" but are fake inside.
Honestly, it kinds of bugs me, disgusted to say the least.
Lets be real.
My stand on this view is that we of the same faith are still human. We have the same problems like everyone else. External issues, like cancer, job loss , accidents, all do happen at the same rate as everyone else. And the same goes with our internal struggles, I know of friends(Christians by the way) with depressions, suicidal thoughts, relationship issue, even same sexual orientation tendency and many more.And friends sharing with us doesn't do that because we always have the right answers,but because they trust us enough for a listening ear!
And strangely,we don't tend to share this thoughts openly because "Christians are not supposed to have this kind of problems" . What gives the right to judge?And Maybe thats what makes honesty very hard in this sense. Too judgemental we could be sometimes. And that's why I sometimes do feel it's easier to share some things more openly to my friends from a different faith!
I remember a verse I think in Ecclesiastes,that says somewhere along the line, that the sun shines and the rains fall on both the good men and the bad. Which I believe it meant that the same circumstances falls on everyone as long we are living in this planet no matter Christian or otherwise. And everything said, my stand is that we do acknowledge our problems are real, and big....but Our God is Bigger and in Control!
So really,what supposedly makes us as Christians different from others?
Its not because we are supposed to have all the answers to every problems.
(And please stop acting like one)
I personally think ideally we should be different by the love we show and ACT out. And if we cant even begin by caring our own members/friends of the same faith, like pretending everything will be alright after a some few minutes prayers and then totally forget about it, then I think this is just a hypocritical show we run every week :)
Alrights,actually I am writing this in response to a very close friend who takes courage in sharing personal issues and struggles.I appreciate that friend even more.
Just some food for thoughts unleashed here :)
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Where we have arrived so far
Today, one of my best friend in Uni is choosing her wedding gown for photo shoot. Together with a a few CG mates, we gave our 'professional' opinions. I thought all the dresses looks great, but since the package only allows 2 selection, she have to select the better ones.
How time flies, I can still remember first year university, same cg and after many years, end up in same church, same cg! Funny :) And now she is getting married. Surreal!
And I am truly happy for her, like they say, wedding is a meaningful event for a woman, but I pray they will have a wonderful marriage too :)
Today, one of my best friend in Uni is choosing her wedding gown for photo shoot. Together with a a few CG mates, we gave our 'professional' opinions. I thought all the dresses looks great, but since the package only allows 2 selection, she have to select the better ones.
How time flies, I can still remember first year university, same cg and after many years, end up in same church, same cg! Funny :) And now she is getting married. Surreal!
And I am truly happy for her, like they say, wedding is a meaningful event for a woman, but I pray they will have a wonderful marriage too :)
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