I feel overwhelmed.

My studies and my work, and also the friction between dad and mum just because we are all at home more due to the covid19.

It's like, I feel like I can do better for my work. I want to do more. I want to do many things for many people but I realise that I really cannot cope with everything. It's like I feel so much better that I can have two days of study leave, but at the same time, even just applying for the study leave is giving me so much stress. I worry for my students, I want them to do well. But I feel like I am being eaten up slowly, like anpanman. Like there is not enough time for me to regenerate.

Maybe it is true, self care is important. I need to take care of myself. But how? I cannot concentrate on my work. My deadline is in less than 12 hours, but I cannot do it. I had to just put down my stuff and watch running man. It did make me feel a little better. I feel mentally fatigued, like I simply cannot do any of my stuff anymore. I wish I can just put down everything n stop thinking about deadlines for a moment. Or even just not think about anything for a while. But my deadline is in 12 hours. And I have school tmr. It's passed midnight and I should be sleeping. Oh no, I can feel the anxiety coming back again. I think I am really stressed out.

Is taking this course a bad idea? I don't know. I mean, I was also so stressed out previously. Until there was the school holidays. then things became better. Maybe I really have to schedule out my timings carefully n meet all that I have to do, then I will be better. Maybe I really do not have to complete everything perfectly. I always tell myself that, but I get agitated when I do not score high marks. I have to change this mindset.

Alright, let me go back to my work again. I hope that I can finish it before I go to sleep. May it be a better week ahead.. :)

Time flies since I have last written here.
A quick check shows that I last wrote at the beginning of 2018. So many things has changed now; I am now back in sg, working. Although working life is never easy, I have to say that I am still quite enjoying it. I have like some of the bestest friends now, although truthfully I have to be more careful about it.
Maybe teaching is really my calling. I dont know. I really enjoy working with the older and more matured kids. And I am also starting to enjoy my RS lessons, giving lame jokes, building my rapport with them. I do enjoy having some independence with what I want to teach, and it starts getting easier with time. I hope things do get better. I hope to stay for some time here actually. Lets see how things work out. I dont think I will be updating here so often, but maybe when I do, things would be different.

It is now almost 6 am in the morning, on the 2nd day of 2018.

I was attempting to look back to last year, whether I made any new year resolutions of sorts, but I realize that I did not. But last year's countdown was nice, with my most loved ones, we were watching fireworks of Disneyland from the window of the hotel room. Compared to this year, I was just sleeping at home. Even though I am now in school and I should be working hard, I am actually just working very slowly. I have to say that I am not very efficient currently, but I guess at least being in school means I will have progress of some sorts, at the very least.

I guess 2017 have been a busy year, trying to do some job hunting, then studying hard for JLPT. I also went back home to attend weddings of two of my very good friends. Towards the last quarter of the year, I kind of went through the worst time of my life. I sunk into some depression, which I almost could not get out of. I even went to see a counselor, which I guess helped a little bit. But what eventually really helped seemed to be getting drunk and then crying everything out.

I guess it has been quite a difficult year, but I know everything will be better this year. This year is probably going to be a year of change. Firstly, my title will be changing!! Then it will be getting a new job, it is definitely going to be very challenging. But I will be okay, I am sure. Jiayou!!

Things are all attempting to fall into place right now, like I am now trying my best to write my thesis, then my defense will be here and then it would be thesis publishing etc etc. The pace will just get very quickly and I will have to work harder and harder for now. At least that there is a particular date for me to work towards to, though I really feel that there is a lot more that I have to do.

Mood wise, I am feeling quite okay, since I actually took a good rest over the weekend, went to see some autumn colours.. I especially appreciate these trips since I probably do not have the chance to do them anymore. It was also nice because we took a rather off-beaten path and the whole place was very quiet, without people to disturb while I took photos of the nature. Its the nice photos that I took, and the quiet nature, the beautiful weather.. I was very tired after the whole day, but it was so satisfying. And I essentially rested yesterday, only worked about 4 hours in total, so I actually feel so much more refreshed.

Staying over in school tonight is in the plans, but I am feeling quite on task in some sense, since I have a new schedule that I am working with. But actually I still have more things than expected that I have to do, since some data are still not analysed. So I really have to work harder in this sense. I know I can do it, it is just a little more to go before the deadlines and all.

I know that I am the type who really needs to have some rest and recreation and calm myself down before I can get into the mood for something. So I believe that I can do it if I just keep at my schedules. I do not that writing really takes so long, but to do a good job, I should still work harder. This is after all the product of 3 years of my work, and actually, close to 5 years of my life. I would really want to have it as a souvenir for myself in the future.

Jiayou to myself!! :)

I should write about my dream I had on Saturday night before I forget. It was quite funny and interesting.

I was somehow on a movie date with KimTaku on a Wednesday. I do not know what movie, but I think it was a Marvel movie that we were watching. I remember that he was a member of that cinema, but somehow it was his 17th time there and he booked our tickets using an app. Then somehow, I dozed off while watching the movie, and when I woke up, I saw that he was also sleeping, so I just decided to continue sleeping too.

Suddenly, at one part, I saw that many people stood up to leave the theater, but there were also many people still left. N since he was quite sound asleep, I thought that maybe I should not disturb him. And actually another movie started playing, probably another Marvel movie. Somehow the main lights didnt turn on and I didnt think of leaving, then the staff actually pointed a spotlight at him, trying to wake him up because he is a frequent watcher (though only 17 times!). Finally eventually when the 3rd movie was going to start/end, the staff decided to turn on the main lights n wake everyone up.

Then at that time, I found that Jiaxun was also in the audience. That was quite funny. LOL.