VeryContrary

Cloud:  My laptop is in critical condition. Apparently it needs a new hard drive, so I now I have to wait for some poor family to lose their laptop so that my laptop may live.  It’s just all so sad.

Silver Lining:  The extra desktop computer we have works just fine (except for no flash thingie) so except for Youtube, I can still do all my favorite online stuff while we wait for an organ donor.

Cloud:  Last night, Little Man’s t-ball team was demolished by a team called The Chaserz.   With a fucking Z. I blame the parentz.  Fuckerz.

Silver lining:  We get another chance at victory tonight.  Hopefully we’ll be playing the Fluffy Bunniez or the Throw Like a Girlz.

Cloud:  We is some broke mofos this week.

Silver lining:  Tomorrow is another day and so far no one’s been forced to root for turnips in the garden.  Which is good, because we don’t have a garden and if we did, we damn sure wouldn’t be planting turnips.

Cloud:  I’m pretty sure I’m experiencing the most drawn out weepy case of PMS the world has ever seen.

Silver lining:  What fucking silver lining?  There is NO silver lining and you can kiss my ass if you think there might be.   (Pray for my family y’all.)

How’s your week going?

Little man has an awful spring cold (after having made it through winter without so much as a case of the sniffles.

The other night, he started coughing something fierce at about 10:30 and his Dad went to give him some medicine.  I handed him my water glass as he passed by so that Pooter could have a sip of something to wash the taste of the medicine out of his mouth.

Pookie goes to give him the medicine and it’s, ‘But it’s red! What if it gets on my sheets?’

After he takes the medicine and Pookie offers him a drink, it’s ‘But it’s a glass! Made of glass!  What if it breaks?’

Little did he know that I was in the living room worrying about those VERY SAME THINGS.

Also, I accidently made my kid scared of bugs.  To a fairly unreasonable degree.   So now I’m trying to be braver about bugs so I can set a better example

(although, I was a grooming a dog the other day and it’s (male) owner was helping me when I noticed a bumblebee flitting about and I informed my customer that I was not going to be able to finish his dog if that CREATURE was in the room.  Don’t tell PETA, but he didn’t exactly catch the bee gently and give it a little air kiss as it flew off outside.)

Pooter’s getting better though.  Yesterday, he was watching some ants do their thing and did not freak the fuck out that an ANT MIGHT BITE ME, AGGGHHHH.

Then today, he actually brought me a bug and a caterpillar to see.  Sadly only one of them made it to me alive.  Sorry, little generic squashed bug.  As you were the first bug he ever voluntarily touched, he did not know his own strength.  Please know that you gave your life for a noble cause, namely; my kid not getting his ass kicked by other kids for being a wuss.

I’m happy to note that the caterpillar is alive and intact.  Maybe a little annoyed and disheveled, but alive!

Here’s to progress!  Maybe I won’t have to actually touch a bug myself to help him get over it.   That would be awesome.

See that kid there?   His team won a game for the first time tonight.   11-5.  He himself did an awesome job of running the bases, bringing one of his teammates home for a run and scoring a run of his own.  We’re very proud because before this game, his usual method of rounding the bases involved more  ‘meandering’ or  ‘frolicking’ than  actual running.

As you can see, he plays for The Rangers.  The opposing team was The ‘Lil Diggers’.

Yeah, they’re still trying to dig out of that hole we dug for ’em.  Heh.  I iz a good winner!

(also, one of the little fuckers hit me in the head with a ball.)

Still; baseball flung at head < shooting oneself in head = bring on the baseballs, baby!

We celebrated out victory with a visit to DQ, where we consumed many calories and congratulated ourselves heartily.

Recently, we went to our local public library so Little Man could pick up some new reading material (My kid can READ, y’all. Like, really read. Like, better than most 5th graders).

One of the books he picked out was called Your Pet Beaver. Now it sounds a little dirty, but we didn’t notice then because he also picked out Your Pet Bear and there are other animals in the series (camel, elephant, giraffe, etc.)

Then.  THEN.  I read the book to Little Man that night before bed.   Oh my Lord.

Here are some excerpts from Your Pet Beaver by Bobbie Hamsa.

1) “Grooming a beaver is rather fun.”     Ok, so you have to be a bit of a perv to think that’s dirty, but as it turns out, I’m a bit of a perv.

2) “Your beaver will need a big wet place to live.” Still a little innocuous, but it’s getting better.

3) “Your beaver is a lot like you- clean, polite and friendly.” My beaver and I are both boy scouts, apparently.

4)  “You’ll notice your beaver rests all day. And fools around all night. That’s nice. Because if you can’t get to sleep, you’ll have an instant playmate.”   OMG.    At this point, Pookie was literally ROFL.  And I don’t use the word literally figuratively.  The poor man was on the floor, rolling around, laughing.

5)  “Your pet loves exercise.  {redacted boring (not dirty) stuff} And it loves all water sports, especially “Submarine.” It was at this point that my head exploded, which only made Pookie laugh harder.

6)  “Your beaver is eager to make itself useful.  Cracking nuts…repairing fallen plaster…making mud pies…spanking naughty dolls…and shaping hamburgers for Dad.” I’m honestly not sure which imagery disturbs me more, but I think it might be the idea of my beaver shaping hamburgers for Dad.  That just sounds…unsanitary. I think the imagery Pookie might find most disturbing is the idea of my beaver cracking nuts.

Also, Spanking Naughty Dolls would be a good name for a rock band.

This book was published in 1980 and I happen to know that word ‘beaver’ was heavily in use as a synonym for, well…YOU KNOW.   Don’t make me say it for God’s sake. I’ve been talking about beavers this whole time and I don’t think I can say another filthy thing. (EAR SEX!)

Anyway, my point was that at some point, the author of this book must have known what it would sound like.

I’m willing to bet she giggled and snickered and snorted  her way through the whole book.

Just like me. And my pet beaver.