Victory Over Abortion

Stuffing it

Night falls and here I am again in this familiar place. I feel emotionless, numb and empty. The familiar ache of these four walls suffocate me further into a place were I feel abandoned and alone. Dim lights shine through the breezy white curtains walking shadows across the stark white walls. In the desolate places of my heart I find comfort that someone is coming home from a late night out and I’m not the only one awake in the wee hours. When dawn touches each shadowy place and brightens the room with the warmth of morning the silence of night fades away slowly. I put on my game face it’s a new day with responsibilities and tasks to complete. I push my despair down deeper into my soul, disregarding that I’m already filled to the brim with regrets, shame, and brokenness. It would be easier if there was someone to blame for my heavy heart but when I search for a person to peg with hurting me so badly all I can think of is myself. So I just keep stuffing it and the emotions become easier to numb and harder to heal. After all who wants to truly look at themselves and the plank in their own eyes? I certainly did not want to peel back the layers with questions of my worth plaguing my mind: What if I am truly bad? What if I have a cold heart? What if I just don’t care? What if I’ve gone too far? What if there is no hope for me? What if all I see is ugly? Pretending to be okay was good enough, besides nothing could change the past.

We can be changed

The really scary question is what if that was the end of the story? What if that is where I stopped writing? A daughter of a merciful God questioning her worth, living in depression, without joy, and stuffing it everyday just pretending to be okay. Thankfully that is not where the story ends, rather it is the beginning of the greatest love story I have ever known. It all started when I went to Beauty for Ashes and found healing from my choice to have an abortion. In this safe place I shared my story and learned to accept the choices I made. It was not easy, there were tough times and questions, there were days that I just didn’t want to go to class. As each week passed and we studied about acceptance, guilt, anger, etc I started finding pieces of my broken heart being renewed. When I wanted to skip class the leaders supported me and gave me encouragement to keep pushing through. Meeting with the other woman became like a second home and I found peace from anxiety and all the emotions I kept at bay for so long. Going to this class started as a healing process but become so much more, it became much bigger than me. There is nothing we can do to make up for the past, we can keep stuffing it, we can keep busy, we can keep covering up the pain but the awesome news is we don’t have to. We can repent and be changed because Jesus died on the cross for us; he paid the price for our sins…all our sins.

You are not alone

During my journey with Beauty for Ashes I met other women, extraordinary women who made the same choices and lived in the same darkness that I did. We all started with the same choice in different circumstances but I believe we each finished knowing we were truly forgiven and loved by our redeemer in Jesus. There were two girls that told their personal stories on a video in front of our church about their abortions and the healing they found through Jesus. The courage they had to speak out about a hard topic gave me the courage to seek help and be set free from the past. This was the greatest love story for me because I know my God has never left me nor forsaken me all of the times I ran from him. He keeps no records of wrongs; he stays the same with unwavering love and faithfulness. My prayer is my story will reach others and be a reminder we are each beautiful daughter’s of Christ and he is waiting to wrap us up in his gracious love and wash us clean, whiter than snow.

I have never been a good liar. 

I was in the car with my mom and she knew that I was not telling her something.  She kept asking me, “What is wrong?  Tell me.”

I didn’t want to tell her for fear of disappointment.  I was a good Christian girl.  How did I let this happen?  I knew that if I told my parents they would kick me out of the house.  I would have brought shame upon them.  I had been trying for several weeks to figure out what to do, where I could go, who I could stay with.  I didn’t have the money to pay for the abortion and the guy had disappeared already.  What a jerk!

So it came out and I told her, there in the car.  “I am pregnant!”  Tears came flooding in from everywhere.  But the reaction from my mom surprised me the most.  She said that we will take care of this and everything will be okay.  When we got home, we told my dad.  Then my parents asked me the question that would change the next 7 years of my life, “What do you want to do about the pregnancy?”  Now I know that for some people they may wonder, why would that question even come up, but for my parents to ask me this was very important.  My mom had to watch as her younger sister was forced to have a child that she did not want to have.  So my mom did not want to force me into a situation that I did not want to be in.  The final decision was mine.  “I do not want the child.”

On August 11, 2003, my mother’s birthday, I had the abortion.  From that day forward I did not talk about it with anyone.  My mom tried to talk with me to make sure that I was emotionally and spiritually okay, but I would push her away. 

The year after the abortion, I had been diagnosed as bipolar and I also met the man that would push me into a further state of depression and alcoholism.  I began to turn away from God and doubt His existence.  I had reached rock bottom in my life, with nowhere to turn for help.

On June 12, 2005, I was baptized at Shawnee Mission Lake.  On that day I recommitted my life to Christ.  After the past year of destructive behavior, I was ready to go forward and engage in a loving relationship with Christ.  I began to participate in small groups at Westside Family Church and also volunteering.  Life was finally traveling down the right path for me.   

However, it wasn’t until the summer of 2010 that I realized I was not leading the life that God wanted me to live. Oh I was doing good things, but I was not engaged in a “fully alive” life.  I found this out when I attended a Peer-to-Peer Counseling 2 Day Seminar hosted by Westside Church.  On the second day of the seminar, we were working in three person groups, practicing the methods of counseling that we had learned the day before.  In my group, I was the counselee, talking about various issues, when the conversations moved to my past.  Then it came out… my abortion.  The emotions just came back at full force.  My group partners realized that this was an issue that I had not yet dealt with and I needed some help.  By the grace of God, the leader of the Beauty for Ashes group just happened to be at the same seminar.  I met her that day and we exchanged contact information.  This was a definite God moment.  A few weeks later I was in the Beauty for Ashes post-abortive recovery group, on my way to dealing with all of my issues that related to my abortion. 

The Beauty for Ashes group was the most wonderful, difficult thing I have ever done for myself.  If I had not taken the steps back into my past to heal from that pain, I would not be moving forward now.  I know the hurt and loss that a woman feels from abortion.  But God is so much greater than all of that pain. 

On January 23, 2011, my testimony of my abortion was shown to thousands of people via video at Westside Family Church.  If I had not gone through the recovery group, there would have been absolutely no way that I could have given my testimony.  Thankfully by the grace of God, I was able to watch my video proudly and know that I am forgiven.

Click here to watch the video!

UPCOMING SUPPORT GROUP INFO:

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 21ST – Orientation

Westside Family Church

8500 Woodsonia Drive  –  Lenexa, KS  –  66227

6:30pm – 8:30pm

Contact Niki Ezzell at 913-207-3287 or [email protected] to Register!

John 15:5
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

     Sunday, January 23rd, 2o11 marked a very special day for me and my friend, Novella, who helps me co-lead a Beauty for Ashes support group.  Two of the women who completed the group in December had the opportunity to share with our church congregation their testimonies on video of how God redeemed them & healed them after their abortions.  I don’t know about your church, but this is not usually a topic that is spoken of often…if ever.  It is considered one of the “hidden sins” much like alcoholism, drug addictions, an eating disorder or any kind of sexual addiction and few pastors want to “go there” for fear that they will have an office full of people they won’t know what to do with on Monday morning!  I am SO THANKFUL that we have a courageous pastor that is willing to take on the task of dealing with some of life’s yuckiest messes! 

     The women’s testimonies included an account of where they were before the abortion, after the abortion, and then after they had received the care & support of a post-abortion group (Beauty for Ashes).  The response from our church congregation was OVERWHELMINGLY POSITIVE!  The women were affirmed in ways they didn’t even know they could be!  They were given hugs from people they didn’t know (young & old) and told they were “brave” and “courageous” from men and women.  They literally touched lives all day long with their stories.  People said again and again, “I don’t know how you were able to do that.”  You want to know how they were able to touch thousands of lives in one single day?  It is only through their strength found in Christ! 

     The verse above reads, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  Figuratively speaking, Jesus calls himself the “vine” and you and I the “branches”.  Basically what he’s saying here is that, “Hey, if you & I stick together, nothing can separate us!  Nothing can come between us!  Nothing will tear us apart!”  He also promises that we will “bear much fruit” if we stick together.  This is essentially ”proof” that God is working in our lives!

     If you or someone you know is struggling with a past abortion, please consider sending them to this blog.  The longer I continue helping women find healing, the more I realize that we have to fight Satan on this harder than ever!!  Women who have the potential to be great mothers, wonderful wives and servants of Christ are being bound by Satan who is holding them in a thought pattern of “I’m not good enough” or “I’m worthless”.  I’m remaining in the vine (Jesus) so that I can bear more fruit (women free from sin & bondage).  What about you?

Click on this to GET HELP NOW.