Food Guilt.

I have food guilt. I feel guilty when I eat.

I don't know why. I used to be really really big, and always felt paranoid eating in public, like people were looking, wondering why that heavy guy is still eating?

I lost a lot of weight over the summer, I was 103KG on the 1st of June, and now I'm at 86KG. I've still been avoiding food in public though. It we were in town, and my friends were getting food, I wouldn't, or else I'd order something and not eat it or pick at it. Particularly with the gays.

It's just, I don't want to be seen eating. Is that normal? In my head I still feel huge. I'm thinking that might have something to do with it?

Output

Hey guys.

I didn't think I'd see this screen again, well, ever. But I'm here, and there's a big smile on my face. The other day, a letter plopped itself on the tiled porch floor, from google. How they have my full name, of Samuel, rather than Sam, and my home address, I do not know. But anyway, they were giving me €75 worth of free advertising for my blog.

Ah, that blog, I thought. And then the thought pestered me, and I found myself on the bus, looking up my blog on the blackberry, and smiling like a lunatic.

So how am I, I hear you clamour*?

I'm actually living in Dublin again, I got my first choice for university, and I'm in my second semester doing a degree in Tourism Management. I appear to be excelling at the management part, and I've been told my people skills are excellent, and that I have real potential. I appear to have landed on my feet? Marvellous.

I've also been involved with a few guys. Lots of date, some sexual empowerment classes, an eye opening relationship, and more defined wants and needs emotionally all have left me feeling happier. My 'anything will do' attitude has disappeared, and I'm happy.

I'm off to Thailand in June to work in an orphanage, and do a small tour. I'm a scout leader now, teaching a group of girls on a Thursday night. I'm in The Order of Malta Ambulance Corps. as well now. I'm filling my time (and my CV!) with good, decent things, trying to become more rounded.

You could say I've grown up? And how have you all been? I throw an eye over my blogroll from time to time.

Oh, and my sister emigrated. She's working for the civil service in Perth now! Delighted the golden child has disappeared, she can stop making me look bad now ;o)

*google, please fuck off, it's spelt clamour, not clamor. Well, on this side of the atlantic anyway, so shove your red squiggle up your arse.

And In The End

Well guys, on the first of January 2008, I didn’t see this coming. But it came, and changed my life in a way. I’ve come out, made friends, lost friends. Changed. Changed again.

And now, I think it’s time to put Sam. I. Am. to sleep. It’s been so much fun, and I’ve loved writing, but it shouldn’t be a chore. It should be something I want to do.

I’m not going to delete my blog, and I still read all the updatables to the right of this page. And I do have another project in the pipeline. I’ve not turned my back on creative writing yet.

I hope everyone is ok. I start college on Thursday, I’m doing a degree in Hospitality and Tourism MGMT on the University of Ulster. I turn 21 on the 8th of this month, September.

I’d had thoughts about closing this blog for a while, and now it just seems like the right time. I’ll still be reading and commenting though, so I’m not going to disappear.

And you can always mail me – [email protected]

Sam. X

DEAD

I’ve been thinking more and more about killing myself lately. And as rational as my thought are, they just seem like an answer. Sam X

Taking Stock

This time two years ago, I got my leaving cert results.  It was one of those moments you never forget. And today, I’m thinking, what have I achieved?

I thought going to college would be the start of my life. You see, when I turned 18, I was going into the final and most important year of school, so life aside from studying and exams was put on hold. So once I cleared school and started college ambition came out.

And now two years on, I’m in the exact same position I was then. Don’t have a course, soon I won’t have a job, and not a man in sight.

And it’s sort of psychologically tearing me apart. I think I took things out on  Jackdaw a little bit over the past few weeks, just because he was in the line of fire. And I’m apologising.

Anyway. I need to get my life sorted. Next Monday the college offers come out, and then it’ll be decided whether I get a place or not. If I do, happy days. If I don’t, I’m going to start looking for a full time job, until I’m 23, and then I can go back as a mature student.

Oh, and if you’re looking for a cheap giggle over your coco pops, give this article a read! It’s actually published with a serious tone - Is My Husband Gay?