I laid off of award season for a while. I was feeling like I was being way too catty. Yeah, yeah, but it's fun and the VMAs...well, those people just set themselves up for blog fodder. So, enjoy ;)
Britney Spears - Imma give the girl a thumbs up. Emm hmm. You read that right. Bless her heart, she doesn't do much right. The hair is good - it's gotta be a wig or a weave or extensions or a "piece" - I'm not down with the extra hair lingo...but it's an aight job. The dress isn't my fave, but it's an okay length and I am not about to get an eye full of something that I don't care to see. In the World of Britney, I think that's a five star day. The boots are hideous, and I don't get why they have open toes...doesn't that defeat the purpose. Okay, reading this back, maybe it's not a true thumbs up...just maybe thumbs pointing out to the side.
Beyonce - so, that's a nice color on you. I should quite possibly leave it at that...but, y'all would all stop reading now, wouldn't you? Her dress reminds me of a manta ray. Have you ever seen one swim? It's wings (?) flap around and wave and float through the water. Yes. A red manta ray was my first impression of Beyonce's dress. Apparently, one of the news sites said that she was holding her tummy as to insinuate that she was preggo with Jay-Z's baby. That's the way, Beyonce. If your career isn't as cool as it once was, just get knocked up to get some attention. I see it all the time. For the record, I like Jay-Z a lot - even though peeps think he's ugly. He is a good rapper. Word.
Russell Brand - you look dirty. All that money and you can't afford some Dove soap? Everyone knows that your room was probably paid for by someone else, why don't you just use the hotel samples? See...it's free. Pants = too tight and I think your eyebrows were styled by Bert from Sesame Street.
Katy Perry - okay, we've established on previous posts that I was surprised at her beauty when she fixed up. I had NO idea how pretty she truly was. Tonight is a prime example of why I didn't know. I do believe that she dyed her hair using Kool Aid. I've heard that's what some peeps do when they are trying to be a little punk. Whatever, I was a cheerleader...you know I didn't try the Kool Aid hair trick...but if you wanna talk about spiral curls and rolling your hair up...I'm your girl. Anyhoo, Katy has successfully made me forget about her beauty by turning her hair a funny shade and styling it just a little longer than an oompa loompa's hair. Sorry.
Katie Holmes - why are you there? Have you ever sung a song. No, singing Tom and Suri to sleep doesn't count. Won't give you much blog space bc your attendance is less than important to me. Cute hair, dress much like I wore to the 1999 New Orleans ZTA sorority formal, and another prime example of the nice outfit ruined by bad shoes trend.
Justin Bieber - shadows of Elton John. Totally. What's up with dudes and tight pants? Maybe I'm old, but gosh, that's not attractive. Plus, I make a living out of fertility. These teens and twenty somethings may need to loosen the boys up so they don't lose some fertility. That's a rumor, you know - tight pants = bad swimmers. Digression, again....Bieber's glasses are bad. Big and bad. Doesn't he hang with some really cool rapper that would tell him to stop that?
Kim Kardashian - haven't you worn this before? I'm so over you and your 'why am I famous?' self. We get it. You like to wear things that are tight, have lots of cleavage, and wear lots of makeup. Got it. K. Bye.
Taylor Lautner - oh my. Is that a dustache? also known as a "teen stache" if you ask my friend Jenny. I must stop bc I love him and don't want to face the truth.
Selena Gomez - wasn't there someone named Gomez on the Addams Family? This dress must have came from someone kin to him. She must have borrowed this dress from Elvira and got Edward Sissorhands to tailor it for her. Ouch. But her face and hair looked nice :) That counts for something.
Nicki Minaj - what the mess? That's not fashion, that's just stupid. Seriously. I think you are a singer who says some nasty stuff in some rap songs. That's about all I know about you...and now you've just added bad, dumb dresser to your resume. You're not hired.
Miley Cyrus - are you backstage at a pageant? That's what it looked like. The dress looks like a cross between a cheetah wanna be, a flower garden, and the MHS beauty pageant. Disappointed.
JWoWW - I just lowered myself a little just by typing those letters in that way. I don't watch the show "Jersey Shore". The trash factor is too high for me. This from someone who NEVER MISSED an episode of the first season of "Rock of Love" with Bret Michaels. I've come a long way. I'm not even gonna comment on her dress because I can't get past the fact that she can't hold her eyes open. Drugs are bad, mkay?!
Adele - your dress is bad but I forgive you because I love your voice and your music so much and I think that in Britain the people care a little less about looks and more about talent. I also heard some quote that you said about how you wanted people to talk about you for your voice and that you didn't give a bleep if they thought you were fat. Fight the power sista. Love you even more after I typed this out. You're a better singer and artist than the others. ;)
Ne-Yo - I'll call you tomorrow when I roll my patient back for her c-section. Ha ha! I've explained that one before :) You kinda look cute. Still haven't figured out what you sing. Sorry bout that.
Busta Rhymes - Woo hah! Oh my! I thought you died...or was in the County Dade or something. We were friends in 1996! You've gone downhill. Quite a bit. My tips: a personal trainer, and p.s.: tattoo "sleeves" don't equal real sleeves on a shirt. That vest thing was whack. Nice to see you again, though.
Jared Leto - I don't want you to have a band. I want you to be Jordan Catalono forever. Your band is weird, your clothes are weird and you've lost yourself (uh, or Jordan anyway). You are no longer cute.
Kelly Rowland - Beyonce stole your thunder years and years ago. Friends know when to say when. uh...when.
Because I'm (a) old and (b) listening to waay-fm a lot...I don't know who many of these peeps are. So, here's a quick rundown of the who-the-heck-are-yous that need an intervention from Clinton and Stacy:
- Destinee and Paris - Gothic much?
- Black Veil Brides - this has to be sacreligious somehow...plus, this look was done in the 80s.
- Victoria Justice - who? The only Victoria is Beckham.
- Jessie J - oh wow. the outfit plus a broken leg is disaster. Looks like you borrowed my child's black leotard, cut the top off and glued sequins on. JoAnn Fabric called...they want their black sequined fabric back.
- Amber Rose - must be code name for Camel Toe.
- Deena Cortese - did you raid the Skittle factory????!!!!
As a Southern Belle, I feel like the best parting thing that I can say for this post and these people is: 'Bless Their Hearts'.
8.28.2011
8.21.2011
reasons why I hate summer....
Hmm...what's that you say? Yes. We have established my hatred for all things summer. Many inquiring minds have asked what summer has done to make me turn against it so. Ya wanna know? Here goes.
1. The sun. Yeah, that's just it. The sun is neat. I'm really glad that God made it. It lights up the Earth so we don't have to fumble around with Coleman lanterns and little flashlights all the time. It also burns the heck out of you. Why can't it just exist and not cause severe pain to those who are just out enjoying it? Plus it beats down on you and makes you tired.
2. Sunscreen. How icky do you feel when you have sunscreen on? Eww. I always feel like I have an inch thick of a peanut buttery substance all over my body. No matter what, it feels like a film all over you. Bugs get caught up in it and junk....and what if you miss a spot? A random shape of a 3rd degree burn on some unsuspecting part of your body. Just not cool.
3. Shorts. Yes, I too hate shorts. Quite possibly bc my legs are shaped much like Chicken drumsticks. Not meaning "chicken legs" like they are skinny, but you know that big meaty part at the top of the drumstick. Yeah. That's how the top of my thighs look. Not appealing in shorts. Not to mention, I really need a cbc (complete blood count - for the non nursey's) and tests of my clotting factors bc I have random bruises all over my thighs. Hot, huh?
4. Weeds. I dislike weeds. I dislike weeding flower beds. Let me really be honest here, we don't have flower beds. We have shrub beds. I have the grim reaper thumbs. Plants cry when I walk by. I think that the flowers at Lowe's talk to one another when I walk by and look at them. I think I may have heard one praying "please, don't let her take me home". Weeds grow way too fast in the summer, and then I feel obligated to pull one or two. It's just too much.
5. Humidity. Who made that one up? Yeah, I get it...it's summer, it's hot. But, when you just straight up can't breathe in? Naw. That's stifling. That's why I've spent my summer on the treadmill. For the record, it's impossible to run if you can't take a deep breath in. It's kind of an important part.
6. Swimsuits. Honestly. I know that I have issues and am weird about getting in a swimsuit in public bc all of y'all are jokin' on how fat I am and how much cellulite there is and how white I am. All of those things aside....who decided that swimsuits are fine to wear, but if I show up somewhere tomorrow wearing my bra and panties, I'll be in the back of a cop car headed to the precinct? No sense. I have underwear that technically covers as much or more than a swimsuit that I own. What the heck?
7. Summer sports suck. Any season that doesn't have football is a waste of time.
8. Getting ready sweat. What sense does it make to shower, dry your hair, put on makeup and a nice outfit when you are dripping in sweat the whole time you are getting ready? I've gotten so ticked off before that I've just given up and threw my (newly washed) hair in a ponytail, washed off the makeup, put on some scrub pants and called it a day. Too darn hot. You know you're gonna have a crappy day when it begins with a sweat-a-thon that has nothing to do with working out.
9. Mosquitos. They love me. I don't know if my blood is yummy, if I smell special, if I give off a vibe, I don't know...but they love me. I would almost enjoy chilling out outside with friends on a summer night if those stinking bugs wouldn't attack me. Sometimes I won't notice and I'll have this awesomely fun night and in the next morning, there are these massively swollen bug bites all up on my legs and arms, and God forbid, on my face. That's just gross.
10. It lasts too long. Summer in the South lasts for-flipping-ever. I could deal with it if it was only a month or two...maybe even if it was really the 3 months on which it's scheduled...but nope, it's like a bad disease. It lingers on, and on, and on. In my mind....September = hey let's break out a cardigan and snuggle under a blanket while we watch a football game. In the South, it = hey, bet we could go to the pool and lay out...oops, I'm outside and am about to have a heat stroke. No fun.
Maybe this clears up a little confusion on the hatred of summer. I know there are a couple of cool things about it...hmm....maybe I could think of one....maybe watermelon. That's all right. I could take it or leave it. There's always SEC Media Days. Does that count? Um...my Dad's birthday? Hmm...lemonade. Yeah, that's good. Homemade Ice Cream ....NOPE....I hate that, too!!!! Boom! ;)
1. The sun. Yeah, that's just it. The sun is neat. I'm really glad that God made it. It lights up the Earth so we don't have to fumble around with Coleman lanterns and little flashlights all the time. It also burns the heck out of you. Why can't it just exist and not cause severe pain to those who are just out enjoying it? Plus it beats down on you and makes you tired.
2. Sunscreen. How icky do you feel when you have sunscreen on? Eww. I always feel like I have an inch thick of a peanut buttery substance all over my body. No matter what, it feels like a film all over you. Bugs get caught up in it and junk....and what if you miss a spot? A random shape of a 3rd degree burn on some unsuspecting part of your body. Just not cool.
3. Shorts. Yes, I too hate shorts. Quite possibly bc my legs are shaped much like Chicken drumsticks. Not meaning "chicken legs" like they are skinny, but you know that big meaty part at the top of the drumstick. Yeah. That's how the top of my thighs look. Not appealing in shorts. Not to mention, I really need a cbc (complete blood count - for the non nursey's) and tests of my clotting factors bc I have random bruises all over my thighs. Hot, huh?
4. Weeds. I dislike weeds. I dislike weeding flower beds. Let me really be honest here, we don't have flower beds. We have shrub beds. I have the grim reaper thumbs. Plants cry when I walk by. I think that the flowers at Lowe's talk to one another when I walk by and look at them. I think I may have heard one praying "please, don't let her take me home". Weeds grow way too fast in the summer, and then I feel obligated to pull one or two. It's just too much.
5. Humidity. Who made that one up? Yeah, I get it...it's summer, it's hot. But, when you just straight up can't breathe in? Naw. That's stifling. That's why I've spent my summer on the treadmill. For the record, it's impossible to run if you can't take a deep breath in. It's kind of an important part.
6. Swimsuits. Honestly. I know that I have issues and am weird about getting in a swimsuit in public bc all of y'all are jokin' on how fat I am and how much cellulite there is and how white I am. All of those things aside....who decided that swimsuits are fine to wear, but if I show up somewhere tomorrow wearing my bra and panties, I'll be in the back of a cop car headed to the precinct? No sense. I have underwear that technically covers as much or more than a swimsuit that I own. What the heck?
7. Summer sports suck. Any season that doesn't have football is a waste of time.
8. Getting ready sweat. What sense does it make to shower, dry your hair, put on makeup and a nice outfit when you are dripping in sweat the whole time you are getting ready? I've gotten so ticked off before that I've just given up and threw my (newly washed) hair in a ponytail, washed off the makeup, put on some scrub pants and called it a day. Too darn hot. You know you're gonna have a crappy day when it begins with a sweat-a-thon that has nothing to do with working out.
9. Mosquitos. They love me. I don't know if my blood is yummy, if I smell special, if I give off a vibe, I don't know...but they love me. I would almost enjoy chilling out outside with friends on a summer night if those stinking bugs wouldn't attack me. Sometimes I won't notice and I'll have this awesomely fun night and in the next morning, there are these massively swollen bug bites all up on my legs and arms, and God forbid, on my face. That's just gross.
10. It lasts too long. Summer in the South lasts for-flipping-ever. I could deal with it if it was only a month or two...maybe even if it was really the 3 months on which it's scheduled...but nope, it's like a bad disease. It lingers on, and on, and on. In my mind....September = hey let's break out a cardigan and snuggle under a blanket while we watch a football game. In the South, it = hey, bet we could go to the pool and lay out...oops, I'm outside and am about to have a heat stroke. No fun.
Maybe this clears up a little confusion on the hatred of summer. I know there are a couple of cool things about it...hmm....maybe I could think of one....maybe watermelon. That's all right. I could take it or leave it. There's always SEC Media Days. Does that count? Um...my Dad's birthday? Hmm...lemonade. Yeah, that's good. Homemade Ice Cream ....NOPE....I hate that, too!!!! Boom! ;)
8.01.2011
time to let the cat outta the bag....
Hey. Um, yeah. So, I'm gonna admit it in public, I'm going to Ecuador on a mission trip. Sooner rather than later. I've really known for quite a while, but haven't talked about it or faced it until now. You know how I roll...denial. I've put down a deposit, there's a newly renewed passport, a plane ticket, an itinerary, and an email about what to pack. Yeah...I'm going. It's real.
I must sound like it's death, doom, and disaster! That's not it at all. It's a weird feeling in my heart, in my soul. There's a little spiritual warfare going on for sure. That excites me a little, because when Satan decides he's gonna mess with me about it, that means that God is gonna show up and show out. I don't wanna go. Satan is telling me a lot...that I'm not gonna have anyone to hang out with, that I'll be incompetent, stupid, that my family won't be okay without me, that something might happen to me (or them) while I'm away, I'll miss the first Bama game, I don't know enough Spanish, I'll get sick, I'm scared of dirt/insects/monkeys/spiders, etc, that I'm not a good enough Christian to go. It goes on & on. I know what they are - I know they are lies from the enemy - that doesn't stop me from listening a little. But, I assume that's part of it - faith. Gotta step out on faith. My God will take care of me. It is HIM that I aim to glorify....no matter how nervous this crazy mind is feeling. Gotta go serve...that's what He told me to do, so that's what I'm gonna do. Acts 1:8
Down to the nitty gritty, I'm like, what?! I'm gonna get to do some medical stuff - which is SWEET! There's another nurse going so I won't be alone :) I'm pretty dang sure that I can't fathom what I'm in for...for Pete's sake, I wanted to take a Vera Bradley duffle! Apparently my luggage might get ransacked, ripped, and dirty! Eww! There might be random bugs and spiders. Also...these peeps eat guinea pig like it ain't nothing. Negatory. I'm gonna be bringing some peanut butter crackers like it's my job. Maybe the nasty food will help me lose 5-10. Who knows? What about pickpocketers, and the altitude change - what if I can't adequately transport oxygen to my brain and I'm weak and crazy and sick and hypoxic for a week?! Um...what about how I've already been told not to drink my diet coke from a bottle. Oh, and did I mention there is a volcano and a specific time limit on which I have to evacuate if the big boy starts to blow? Oh Lord help me. Seriously. ...and my iphone probably won't work. Gah. Yeah, what about how people live like this on a daily basis? Emm hmm. I should quite possibly get over myself. And, I almost forgot - I must bring my OWN TOILET PAPER!!!! What??!! ...and the rule is that you can't flush it. Eww!! I'm about to buy Bath & Body Works Antibacterial Hand Rub out of stock!!! I'm gonna cry just thinking about it.
But, that's my worldly mind spinning out of control. HE is in control. HE has me on this particular mission for a reason. I did have a choice to go on a much easier, much more in my comfort zone mission trip. I've suffered for Christ in Hilton Head, South Carolina before. I've suffered for Christ in many beachy, fun, non threatning locations. I use "suffered" very sarcastically. It's time for me to step out & step up...for Him...and really be brave & bold. He is leading my heart to Ecuador, to this trip, for some reason. So...yeah, the cat's outta the bag. I'm going on Mission to Ecuador. Sooner rather than later. I'm proud. I may secretly be about to poop my pants, but I'm proud to be representing my God in a foreign country. Eeeeek!!!!!
I must sound like it's death, doom, and disaster! That's not it at all. It's a weird feeling in my heart, in my soul. There's a little spiritual warfare going on for sure. That excites me a little, because when Satan decides he's gonna mess with me about it, that means that God is gonna show up and show out. I don't wanna go. Satan is telling me a lot...that I'm not gonna have anyone to hang out with, that I'll be incompetent, stupid, that my family won't be okay without me, that something might happen to me (or them) while I'm away, I'll miss the first Bama game, I don't know enough Spanish, I'll get sick, I'm scared of dirt/insects/monkeys/spiders, etc, that I'm not a good enough Christian to go. It goes on & on. I know what they are - I know they are lies from the enemy - that doesn't stop me from listening a little. But, I assume that's part of it - faith. Gotta step out on faith. My God will take care of me. It is HIM that I aim to glorify....no matter how nervous this crazy mind is feeling. Gotta go serve...that's what He told me to do, so that's what I'm gonna do. Acts 1:8
Down to the nitty gritty, I'm like, what?! I'm gonna get to do some medical stuff - which is SWEET! There's another nurse going so I won't be alone :) I'm pretty dang sure that I can't fathom what I'm in for...for Pete's sake, I wanted to take a Vera Bradley duffle! Apparently my luggage might get ransacked, ripped, and dirty! Eww! There might be random bugs and spiders. Also...these peeps eat guinea pig like it ain't nothing. Negatory. I'm gonna be bringing some peanut butter crackers like it's my job. Maybe the nasty food will help me lose 5-10. Who knows? What about pickpocketers, and the altitude change - what if I can't adequately transport oxygen to my brain and I'm weak and crazy and sick and hypoxic for a week?! Um...what about how I've already been told not to drink my diet coke from a bottle. Oh, and did I mention there is a volcano and a specific time limit on which I have to evacuate if the big boy starts to blow? Oh Lord help me. Seriously. ...and my iphone probably won't work. Gah. Yeah, what about how people live like this on a daily basis? Emm hmm. I should quite possibly get over myself. And, I almost forgot - I must bring my OWN TOILET PAPER!!!! What??!! ...and the rule is that you can't flush it. Eww!! I'm about to buy Bath & Body Works Antibacterial Hand Rub out of stock!!! I'm gonna cry just thinking about it.
But, that's my worldly mind spinning out of control. HE is in control. HE has me on this particular mission for a reason. I did have a choice to go on a much easier, much more in my comfort zone mission trip. I've suffered for Christ in Hilton Head, South Carolina before. I've suffered for Christ in many beachy, fun, non threatning locations. I use "suffered" very sarcastically. It's time for me to step out & step up...for Him...and really be brave & bold. He is leading my heart to Ecuador, to this trip, for some reason. So...yeah, the cat's outta the bag. I'm going on Mission to Ecuador. Sooner rather than later. I'm proud. I may secretly be about to poop my pants, but I'm proud to be representing my God in a foreign country. Eeeeek!!!!!
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