Resurrecting the dead.....blog.

Hello my few yet faithful readers and best of all friends. I am forcing myself to do this, I have wanted to blog for a long time but really never know what to write.

Please excuse me or a moment..................................ahh, much better, I had to go clip my nails so that I could type. That has pretty much been my blogging problem. Distraction.

Let's see, where to start. Perhaps I should give an update on all us Holt's.

Bailey

Bailey just turned 10. I can't believe my baby is 10 years old. She currently lives with her Dad, she wants to come back and live with me and he won't let her with out a legal battle. Her Dad recently built a new house in Santaquin it seems nice from the outside. She is a big helper and often has great tails to tell me about taking care of her new baby sister Brooks. She will be going into 4th grade this fall. During the summer we switch off weeks. This week the girls have been with me. Bailey is so beautiful. She still has her big green eyes and long dark lashes. She is still a little peanut and I suspect always will be. We recently got hair cuts, and she got her ears pierced for her birthday with her Step-mom. Her trademark giggle is often heard when she is around and her unique sense of humor is always good for a laugh. She is very special and I am so very lucky that she calls me Mom.

Laira

Laira will be 12 in October. Again I can't believe that I will have a 12 year old. She lives with me and will be going into 6th grade this fall. Over that last school year she had to get glasses. She enjoys being able to see but sometimes dislikes the hassle of having to wear them. For the summer we have set some goals and if she meets them she will be able to get contacts at the start of the school year. Laira is still as busy as ever but she is growing up so fast. She is able to carry out several house hold duties on her own now that I have taught her how. She loves to do the laundry, she begrudgingly will do a load of dishes and is always happy for the opportunity to cook. She also got her hair cut and was very excited to get to donate it to Locks of Love. She likes to read and has her own little world with her friend Caleb, or so it seems. I am happy that she has such a great friend in him.

Me

I am old, okay not as old as some but my body is starting to catch up with me and I am finding that very hard. I injured my ankle in January and was in a cast for a couple weeks. My ankle hasn't been the same since and it makes it very difficult to be active. Other parts of my body are coming down with aches and pains that just seem to be part of getting older. I played on the CUC softball team. I took a line drive to the calf at our first game when playing 2nd base. It left a most colorful bruise. Other things come from being lazy, injured and gaining too much weight. Now that it has gotten out of control I know I need to do something. That is part of the reason I am putting it here. It's much easier to be more accountable when you are upfront and tell people about your plans. So my plan is to figure out a way to be more active, get healthy body and mind, lose weight and enjoy life.

I have been working as a Medical Assistant for a year and a half now. I work for Central Utah Clinic in an Internal Medicine office. The people I work with are absolutely amazing. They have become a second family. The doctors are all a lot of fun to work with and just be around.  I am constantly learning new things and my patience is often tried and tested as I work with difficult patients. All in all I feel very grateful to work in a place with so many great people, doing something I enjoy.

I was in a "relationship" for the last 4 years and it has ended. It ended in a broken heart, mine. I am looking for the silver linings and moving forward. I find the hardest part is assimilating back into being on my own. I get lonely and at times hopeless. But as a whole I am going to be a stronger and better person with out him. I/we could have never been happy together and I deserve someone who treats me better than he did. And that is all I have to say about that.

I am so grateful to have some amazing people in my life to help me though my rough days and to have copious amounts of fun with on my good days. I am blessed that even when I am at my worst they still chose to see the good and love me. Thank You dear ones, I hope to be able to repay the favors somehow, someday.

Speaking of amazing people in my life......I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT! I Cannot wait until my new little buddy comes at the end of September. I feel like it is forever away. I can't wait to snuggle him.




I guess that is all for now. We'll see how this blogging Resurrection goes and if I stick to it.  I just don't know what to write about. So any suggestions and recommendations would be most helpful.

 Love to you all.

Dear Ankle

Dear Ankle,

It's not that I am not grateful for you, it's just that you've changed. Every since you buckled under the pressure in January you are just not all that dependable. You go weak with out warning and you are always whining and complaining about something. Then, when I give you the attention you think you need, really spend some time focusing just on you, you get all puffed up and throw a fit leaving your affects behind for days. Why can't we just go back to the old days, no drama, no mood swings just good old fashioned fun. The weight is piling on and I am itching to get out and work hard, what do I need to do to get you on board? 

Annoyed, 

Denae

Dear Blog,

If I happened to start writing again, would anyone be there to read it?

Sincerely,

Denae

Family Pictures

You can sure tell which one was a digital copy and which were scanned. Perhaps my Mom's scanner will do better quality scans. 

Struggling VS Thriving

I don't really know how to start this. I was watching the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and there is a scene where they talk about words that define people or places. The only word I could think of to describe me was, Lost. On a particular bad day I was chatting with a friend and he could tell I was down and asked what was bothering me. I told him and he showed me that the things that I was so bothered by were little and that there are so many other harder things that would be harder to deal with. He eventually said " I don't know what your deal is..why you are so down". I've been thinking about that a lot. I think too much. I spend to much time dwelling on the past and the failures that I have had that it brings me down and I walk through an endless abyss of sadness. This is a cycle that I have. I hit MY bottom and then I spend some time climbing back up to survival mode. But I don't want to just live in survival mode anymore. I want to thrive.

I thought school would help, give me something to focus on. In some ways it has, it is definitely a challenge. But there are so many places in ME that are empty. Either because I don't know how to fill them or a person has come into my life and I have allowed them to take that piece with them and leave me with a hole to fill. The Wasband hole is nearly filled again and it is a wonderful feeling.

Anyways. I want to thrive. I want to focus on the good things. One of my favorite sayings is "Your day will go the direction the corners of your mouth turn" So, I am trying to be happy. I am trying to not worry about the thing that I cannot control. I am going to enjoy the little things and stop worrying about the big things. I am going to spend time with my kids and build lasting memories. I am going to eat and if I get fat I am not going to care. I am going to exercise when I feel like it and for the reason that it will be good for me and no other. I am going to cherish the times I am alone. And even more so the times I get to spend with my friends and family. I am going to be me with out worrying about anyone thinks about that.

I have no title.

Here I am at school again. Big surprise right? Not a lot of new things are going on, just a lot of the same.. homework, tests and papers. I can't believe the semester is almost over, and I have survived. I am registered for spring and am excited for some of the classes. I signed up for Power Yoga, this could either be awesome or less than awesome. I am sure we will find out soon enough. I also get to take Biology. Hooray something that has to do with my major. Sometimes I sit here and find my self second guessing my choice to come to school. Could I work as a Medical Assistant and been good at it? yes of course. Would I have loved it for ever? who knows. Would I  feel as fulfilled as when I teach? I doubt it. It would have been a lot easier to have done this 12 years ago. It probably would have happened had I graduated HS. But this is all the past and I can't change the past.

I did a lot of yard work yesterday and my whole body hurts. I suppose that is a good and bad thing. I got some exercise but now I hurt. I have been thinking about losing weight and how I want to accomplish this. Yard work seems to be a good start. I just need the motivation and accountability to do it. Especially when it gets cold. I've even debated joining the gym so I have a place to go when its cold.. or too hot for that matter. I am sick of feeling tired all the time. SO I  am going to change some things.

The Wasband's cousin shot himself the other day and died. It is really sad and shocking. His parents are great people and so kind. I can't imagine how they are feeling right now. I feel so helpless about the whole situation.

Mr. W disappeared from my life 2 months ago, just stopped talking to me after an argument. I guess I don't blame him but I think it could have been handled a little differently, but it is what it is. I got a one sentence inside joke email from him the other day. I replied and have been greeted with nothing but silence. This is very frustrating to me. I was just getting to the point where I would see things and not think " I can't wait to tell Mr. W he will love this" or not shuffling through every song on my iPod that reminded me of him. I was doing so well I was moving on, I was starting to feel happy and hopeful again. And now I feel like I am back at square one. What was he trying to accomplish? He must miss me too.. but really.. what is the point of a one sentence email followed by silence.

Well I have to go to class.. Maybe I will write more later.

A longer post.

I am at school ...again.. I basically live here. I am avoiding doing some homework because I well.. I can. I am sitting in the library again, listening to my iPod waiting for my class to start in 45 minutes.

Ok, so here is an update.

Me:
School
 I am old. I feel old. Being a college freshman presents its challenges, like having patience for the 18 year old freshmen that you just want to punch in the face. Yes I know that is so not like me but seriously I just can't handle it sometimes. Now, you might be saying to your self : Self, I thought she was going to school so she can teach these annoying 18 year olds Biology? Well.. You would be correct. But there is a big difference between teaching the annoying and having to function among them. I have also learned that the internet has ruined me. I do not have a good grasp on correct use of punctuation... perhaps it is because I like to use my . key a little too much. Or perhaps the internet isn't as picky as my English professor ( who by the way is stuck in the 70's his wardrobe and his Farrah Fawcett  hair need to go)  Nothing is as depressing as getting a paper back and there is more red ink on it than the original l black. 


My Health and History Professors are awesome. My Math Professor as well but she teaches math so that is an automatic strike against her. My Professor for History is my age and she looks just like Tina Fey. But here is the kicker, she is from France and has a french accent. I sit in class and wait for her to bust out with "LIVE FROM NY IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT" and that it has just been a SNL skit where she played a French woman teaching American History. I told her about this and she laughed and said that maybe one day in class she would do it just for me.. but then she said everyone would think we were crazy. She is pretty awesome. 

Love
 After a year of putting up with Mr. W. We got into an argument and it was apparently enough for both of us. We haven't spoken since. It's been a month now and well.. Sometimes I still miss him. But he was really mean to me. I love how when someone is finally out of your life everyone decides to tell you how much they hated them or how horrible they were to you. But at least I can see it and I am not just stuck pining over an asshole.
I have sorta been dating someone from my English class. We have fun and he is sweet to me and I don't know how to handle it. I've also had another person who I care about a lot come back into my life. So I am not alone and that is a nice feeling.

Laira
for a lot of reasons Laira went to live with her Dad. We are trying it out and it seems to be going well. I miss her a lot and we still have some kinks to work out but she is happy , she loves her school and is making a lot of new friends. The hard part is, I don't know what is going on with her. I don't get to talk to her except when I get her for my weekends. She is also very clingy to me when she is visiting. 


Bailey
She is still herself. Still a spacey little dancer. She made a new friend and they are inseparable at times. Her Mom is really nice and seems to like Bailey as much as I like her daughter. She has really done me some favors by letting Bailey play there while I study at school or other things at school. 
Bailey started Dance and she loves it. Anyone who knows Bailey knows that she has been dancing since she could breathe. I have a video of her taking some of her first steps and she pauses to do a little booty shaking and then continues on. 
She is a sweet girl who loves everyone, but she is pretty emo as well.. lots of crying out of that one. 


Well there is an update. Nothing too exciting but at least it was longer than the other one.