Family Pictures

You can sure tell which one was a digital copy and which were scanned. Perhaps my Mom's scanner will do better quality scans. 

Struggling VS Thriving

I don't really know how to start this. I was watching the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and there is a scene where they talk about words that define people or places. The only word I could think of to describe me was, Lost. On a particular bad day I was chatting with a friend and he could tell I was down and asked what was bothering me. I told him and he showed me that the things that I was so bothered by were little and that there are so many other harder things that would be harder to deal with. He eventually said " I don't know what your deal is..why you are so down". I've been thinking about that a lot. I think too much. I spend to much time dwelling on the past and the failures that I have had that it brings me down and I walk through an endless abyss of sadness. This is a cycle that I have. I hit MY bottom and then I spend some time climbing back up to survival mode. But I don't want to just live in survival mode anymore. I want to thrive.

I thought school would help, give me something to focus on. In some ways it has, it is definitely a challenge. But there are so many places in ME that are empty. Either because I don't know how to fill them or a person has come into my life and I have allowed them to take that piece with them and leave me with a hole to fill. The Wasband hole is nearly filled again and it is a wonderful feeling.

Anyways. I want to thrive. I want to focus on the good things. One of my favorite sayings is "Your day will go the direction the corners of your mouth turn" So, I am trying to be happy. I am trying to not worry about the thing that I cannot control. I am going to enjoy the little things and stop worrying about the big things. I am going to spend time with my kids and build lasting memories. I am going to eat and if I get fat I am not going to care. I am going to exercise when I feel like it and for the reason that it will be good for me and no other. I am going to cherish the times I am alone. And even more so the times I get to spend with my friends and family. I am going to be me with out worrying about anyone thinks about that.

I have no title.

Here I am at school again. Big surprise right? Not a lot of new things are going on, just a lot of the same.. homework, tests and papers. I can't believe the semester is almost over, and I have survived. I am registered for spring and am excited for some of the classes. I signed up for Power Yoga, this could either be awesome or less than awesome. I am sure we will find out soon enough. I also get to take Biology. Hooray something that has to do with my major. Sometimes I sit here and find my self second guessing my choice to come to school. Could I work as a Medical Assistant and been good at it? yes of course. Would I have loved it for ever? who knows. Would I  feel as fulfilled as when I teach? I doubt it. It would have been a lot easier to have done this 12 years ago. It probably would have happened had I graduated HS. But this is all the past and I can't change the past.

I did a lot of yard work yesterday and my whole body hurts. I suppose that is a good and bad thing. I got some exercise but now I hurt. I have been thinking about losing weight and how I want to accomplish this. Yard work seems to be a good start. I just need the motivation and accountability to do it. Especially when it gets cold. I've even debated joining the gym so I have a place to go when its cold.. or too hot for that matter. I am sick of feeling tired all the time. SO I  am going to change some things.

The Wasband's cousin shot himself the other day and died. It is really sad and shocking. His parents are great people and so kind. I can't imagine how they are feeling right now. I feel so helpless about the whole situation.

Mr. W disappeared from my life 2 months ago, just stopped talking to me after an argument. I guess I don't blame him but I think it could have been handled a little differently, but it is what it is. I got a one sentence inside joke email from him the other day. I replied and have been greeted with nothing but silence. This is very frustrating to me. I was just getting to the point where I would see things and not think " I can't wait to tell Mr. W he will love this" or not shuffling through every song on my iPod that reminded me of him. I was doing so well I was moving on, I was starting to feel happy and hopeful again. And now I feel like I am back at square one. What was he trying to accomplish? He must miss me too.. but really.. what is the point of a one sentence email followed by silence.

Well I have to go to class.. Maybe I will write more later.

A longer post.

I am at school ...again.. I basically live here. I am avoiding doing some homework because I well.. I can. I am sitting in the library again, listening to my iPod waiting for my class to start in 45 minutes.

Ok, so here is an update.

Me:
School
 I am old. I feel old. Being a college freshman presents its challenges, like having patience for the 18 year old freshmen that you just want to punch in the face. Yes I know that is so not like me but seriously I just can't handle it sometimes. Now, you might be saying to your self : Self, I thought she was going to school so she can teach these annoying 18 year olds Biology? Well.. You would be correct. But there is a big difference between teaching the annoying and having to function among them. I have also learned that the internet has ruined me. I do not have a good grasp on correct use of punctuation... perhaps it is because I like to use my . key a little too much. Or perhaps the internet isn't as picky as my English professor ( who by the way is stuck in the 70's his wardrobe and his Farrah Fawcett  hair need to go)  Nothing is as depressing as getting a paper back and there is more red ink on it than the original l black. 


My Health and History Professors are awesome. My Math Professor as well but she teaches math so that is an automatic strike against her. My Professor for History is my age and she looks just like Tina Fey. But here is the kicker, she is from France and has a french accent. I sit in class and wait for her to bust out with "LIVE FROM NY IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT" and that it has just been a SNL skit where she played a French woman teaching American History. I told her about this and she laughed and said that maybe one day in class she would do it just for me.. but then she said everyone would think we were crazy. She is pretty awesome. 

Love
 After a year of putting up with Mr. W. We got into an argument and it was apparently enough for both of us. We haven't spoken since. It's been a month now and well.. Sometimes I still miss him. But he was really mean to me. I love how when someone is finally out of your life everyone decides to tell you how much they hated them or how horrible they were to you. But at least I can see it and I am not just stuck pining over an asshole.
I have sorta been dating someone from my English class. We have fun and he is sweet to me and I don't know how to handle it. I've also had another person who I care about a lot come back into my life. So I am not alone and that is a nice feeling.

Laira
for a lot of reasons Laira went to live with her Dad. We are trying it out and it seems to be going well. I miss her a lot and we still have some kinks to work out but she is happy , she loves her school and is making a lot of new friends. The hard part is, I don't know what is going on with her. I don't get to talk to her except when I get her for my weekends. She is also very clingy to me when she is visiting. 


Bailey
She is still herself. Still a spacey little dancer. She made a new friend and they are inseparable at times. Her Mom is really nice and seems to like Bailey as much as I like her daughter. She has really done me some favors by letting Bailey play there while I study at school or other things at school. 
Bailey started Dance and she loves it. Anyone who knows Bailey knows that she has been dancing since she could breathe. I have a video of her taking some of her first steps and she pauses to do a little booty shaking and then continues on. 
She is a sweet girl who loves everyone, but she is pretty emo as well.. lots of crying out of that one. 


Well there is an update. Nothing too exciting but at least it was longer than the other one. 

My view from the UVU library

Life, it's that crazy thing that goes on no matter how much we wish it would stop, or we could go back and change something. I can only blame my laziness for the reason I haven't blogged forever. I wish I could say I have been super busy and that I haven't had time but that just isn't true.

A lot has changed, I am back in School as a freshman at UVU. Laira wen't to live with her Dad. Bailey is still crazy but started school and dance class.

I should write more but don't feel like it so you should just be happy I blogged at all.

Maybe more later.

Our Goblin Valley Trip

The kids looking for the "Golden Lizard"

Our campsite

Playing in the Valley

We played Hide and Seek

Brain Dump

This edition of Brain Dump brought to you by SPRING! 

WELCOME SPRING! 

We are going to be talking about some very exciting and some not so exciting things in this edition. So, lets get started shall we?

I am sitting in  my office, blasting The Carpenters and singing along just as loud. This is what I call Therapy. It's just as effective and quite a bit cheaper. So today I am working out feelings via harmonies ... LOVE IT!

I had a rather productive day.

I went to the dentist about my tooth that is KILLING me ... and now I will be going in for my first Root Canal Wednesday the 6th of April. All I have to say about that is... BRING ON THE NITROUS! Its a shame they don't offer Versed or Propophol at the Dentist.

Then I forgot to go pick up my prescriptions, and I just remembered as I typed about the dentist DOH! So I guess I will have to be productive tomorrow as well.

After getting some lunch and a Blue Coconut Cream Slushie at Sonic during happy hour I headed over to UVU. Where I felt like the smallest most clueless fish in the pond.  I sent my little bro a text when I got there and he came and found me and helped me get some stuff done... and now the ball is rolling. I am going to REAL COLLEGE AHHHHHHHH.. I am terrified but I will live I am sure. So my free time that I've enjoyed since I was oh so sadly booted from my favorite job ever... will be coming to an end.

I moved the Piano into the dungeon and I am determined to relearn how to play one of my favorite songs. Laira has now informed me that she would like to take Piano lessons..

This concludes this edition of Brain Dump ..

The day I got a new Sister :)

Been busy....

A few weeks ago my brother moved into his own apartment that he will be sharing with the lovely Chelsey after their wedding in a few weeks.  And since space was tight here at my parents house his bedroom was the downstairs living room. When he moved out it freed up some space for the girls and I to have a living room. So I got to work and gave it a fresh coat of paint and then started turning it into our own space. 

My little "library" it is growing so quickly lately. There are so many to read still. But I have 2 awesome bookshelves ( I still need to get them finished) that hold all my lovely reads. 

I finally figured out how to hook the TV, Wii, and Satellite up to the surround sound.. I still can't get the "surround" speakers to work but hey ... progress is progress. And I am sure that someday I will figure out how to hide all of the wires that are going every which way. 

My Couch 

The amazing "vintage" rocking love seat that is full of so many memories with my Grandma, I am so grateful that I was able to be the one to get to keep this wonderfully hideous chair (someday it will be covered) 

My brother and I were talking about how ridiculous it is to have so many remotes to control everything.. It gets a little confusing, especially for the girls. 

This is a picture I bought my self the day I was fired. Anyone who knows me really well knows that it speaks volumes to me and the things I need to change about my self. 

And here is my dress for the wedding in all of its glory... Oh you noticed that its strapless too did you.. well yes... apparently they don't make formal gowns in that blue color with sleeves or straps of any kind.  It's a good thing we are all suppose to have white sweaters to wear with our dresses... because I can guarantee that no one want's to see me in just the dress by it's self.. But at last I have found a blasted dress.

lost

   /lɔst, lɒst/ 

–adjective

1.

no longer possessed or retained: lost friends.

2.

no longer to be found: lost articles.

3.

having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as toplace, direction, etc.: lost children.

4.

not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor;wasted: a lost advantage.

5.

being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize.

6.

ending in or attended with defeat: a lost battle.

7.

destroyed or ruined: lost ships.

8.

preoccupied; rapt: He seems lost in thought.

9.

distracted; distraught; desperate; hopeless: the lost look ofa man trapped and afraid.

I am trying to be positive. I am trying to figure out what I am going to do now. but really all I feel is LOST.