This has become kind of a family journal, so I think its appropriate to put this here. I want to be able to look back at this later. If it's a bit to personal I'm sorry, I'm not sure how many people follow this other than close family anymore anyway.
Two days ago I was in a vets office with my dog. And I was given options of potentially life saving surgery or euthanasia. I was going to give a blow by blow account of how we'd ended up there, but thats not the important stuff I wanted to get down here. He's gone, I can't change it. I've been over the details a thousand times in my head and I'm still not sure that I would make a different decision knowing what I know now. Knowing that doesn't change how guilty I feel, it was my choice....
This is meant to be a space where I can record some of my memories and feelings about him and ideas I've been having. I chose these two photos because this is mostly how I remember him. Yes we had lots of great adventures and hikes and swims and probably thousands of hours of walks together, but the majority of my time with him was spent like this. He was just always there, usually in arms reach of me where I could reach out and scratch behind his ears like he loved. Like most dog owners I suspect, I took him for granted big time. I know there were times when a week would go by that he didn't get walked. Days when I would barely notice him. Times we went on vacation and it seemed like such a nuisance to have to find a dog sitter. Times when I'd curse his ever present hair or when he'd wake me up by licking my feet in the middle of the night to go outside. I know the last walk we took was at least a week ago, with no idea it would be our last.
But there were also times recently when I'd look at him and know our time was short, maybe thats why I snapped these random photos months ago. I'd look at his head beside me while walking and think, "how many times have we done this bud" and wonder how many more I'd have. Our friends from spokane lost their dog recently and I remember thinking, not Indy I can't lose Indy. Deep down I knew I'd be devastated. I know that in the spectrum of human grief losing a dog may seem like small potatoes to some, but Indy had been my friend and constant companion for 10 years. I was there the moment he was born and the very moment he died. He was my dog, I knew everything about him. Sometimes I think he was as familiar as myself. Even now I can imagine exactly what it would feel like to stroke his ears or kiss his nose, or what he would smell like. I didn't realize how precious that was and losing him just hurts, it hurts. I feel like a link to my past and who we were as a young family is gone, a part of me is gone. And maybe it's taught me about human relationships and how I take my family for granted. The last few nights I've been holding my daughters extra close and missing my wife even more. I knew indy was getting older and that a day like this would come, and you know what a day like this comes for people too. We are sheltered from death and we forget that sometimes in the demands and stress of daily life, but we all die. I will be seperated from my precious ones, whether I go first or they do and a day of woe and harrowed spirit will come again.
I don't want to have regrets like this again, maybe that's not possible. But I know there are things in my life I can change that will help. I want to spend more time with my kids and do things of more value. If Indys death will help me become a better man, then maybe how I feel now is more bearable.
Some of the special memories times I had with him:
A day in the sun swimming at emerald lake.
Climbing peaks in south fork valley
Swimming in Eagle River--only the one time, brrrrr
trail runs at the nature center
hide and seek around the house
impromptu dances
the time he sniffed out a vole in the house and I shot it with the girls pink BB gun
how much he would poop on walks and his poop walk when trying to do both at the same time
how he'd always run ahead on the trail and then wait for us.
the day he jumped in a mud puddle on the pasture
when he tried to hump a female lab while she was swimming and almost drowned her
my pillow when watching movies or playing video games
how hard he would whack his tail against stuff when he got exited
when the girls were little and they'd try to ride him
how the girls sound like little foxes or coyotes when they would call him
how he always wanted to ride in the car, even just to the bus stop
the way he would bump me and hop when he knew we were going for a walk
before he was neutered we called him prince humperdink for obvious reasons
all the birthday cakes he's gotten over the years
who am I going to feed my pizza crusts to, I can't eat them myself
the game of "will he eat it or not eat it" and melissa would usually win
how he'd drool when I'd make him wait to eat a treat and melissa would get annoyed, but I did it to get her goat mostly
the tears I haven't cried in years but now coming and coming
and a thousand more but it makes me to sad to keep going...
Couldn't we come up with a list like this for all our loved ones. Oh Indy thank you for your life and the goodness you gave to us, I miss you my friend, see you on the other side....
