Christmas 2025

 This year, for Christmas, it was just my parents and me. It was small, and that it okay. I didn't mind. I was sick, though. I have been battling a cold since I got home a week ago. It's a bummer to be sick over the holiday. However, at least I don't have to work. I want to get better soon so I can enjoy part of my break at least.

I came home on Sunday. It was a day later than normally planned. I just was not ready to leave on Saturday, and instead was running around like crazy trying to get things done. I still did not get everything done that I wanted. I did get the fridge cleaned out of old food, and the mess in the kitchen and living room cleaned up. I only got one out of three of my ministering gifts delivered. I just don't move as fast as I used to. 

Exhausted

 I am so tired and frustrated. I am tired all of the time. Life is frustrating. I work and I am tired. I work and I am forgetful. What is the point? I see nothing exciting. I don’t have to have something big. I would just like to enjoy life a bit more. I am not ready to go by any means. I just want to feel good again. It’s been so long since I have had that. Is this what it’s like to get old? Am I destined to be exhausted all the time? What about this forgetfulness? I am too young to be this forgetful. I’m not even 50 yet I sometimes feel like I am 80.

Angels Hands Christmas 2025

 

It was another successful year of going to the Angle Hands Christmas Party with Kellan Olson. He loves going to the activities and misses being able to attend all of them. I always try to take a picture of Kellan with Mark Christiansen. I can see that they both have aged a lot over the past 7 years I have been going to these with Kellan. It makes me sad to be getting older myself. I wish I could stay young and have energy. Kellan had a lot of fun. I did not take as many pictures this year, though. 

 

Kellan Olson is a true believer, and that makes this activity all the more enjoyable.

Kellan Olson is pretty amazing. I love going with him to there as Santa activity for “Angel Hands”.

Thanksgiving 2025

 

 Well, I am off. Hopefully my students are all gone today. I am okay leaving work early. I am not staying in Eagle Mountain for a bit as Karen’s sister is staying there visiting from England. I think about work and wish I could work from home. 

After hearing that my friend Byron Herman did not have a will, I need to get a will. I hope it never has to be used but I need one right? It will give my family access to the little money that I have. 

 I am massively stressed out at the moment. I don’t know what I am doing today and I slept horrible. I can’t get into my old iPad since the keyboard has issues. I just wanted to reset the password was all and now I am up a creek. If I could get in then I could get a different iPad. I think the pictures are in the I cloud and I could get another I pad and have them still. Hoping for a miracle. 

Football

 Saturday was a crazy college football day. 

Byron Herman

 I lost a dear friend yesterday. Byron Herman decided to check out of this life. He was always so nice to me. I cried. I hate losing people and I have lost a lot of people this year. I wish the Savior would come right now. I am tired of the pain. I want to see everyone again. I don’t want to lose anymore. 

Ron called to tell me he died tonight. Maybe I should have stopped by and said hi and now I have to live with even more regret. 

 

Rebecca Anderson and Jill McDonald and I went to see Cinderella at Brighton High School. 

New Tires

 Time to buy tires again. It’s so expensive. It costed over $1000 to get them. Crazy. Just sitting here waiting now. I wish life were a little cheaper and not so stressful. I was a walk in and so I had to wait. I hope they get my car in soon. 

 Life is just too hard. Will I ever get to make ends meet and enjoy life before I am too old.  I work my life away and don’t make ends meet. I am exhausted and stressed out all the time. It’s just frustrating.

 Spent about an hour in Toyota this morning getting my driver’s door actuator. That was a pricey part but thankfully my Uncle Rich Lee still worked there and he let me use his discount. It went from $700 to just over $500. I hope I don’t have any more for awhile. I do have to get tires and that will be about $800. I love me car and wish I had less miles on it. Work has put too ma y miles. I want it to last to 300,000. I am halfway there. I really do need to find a different job. 

Joyce Tieman

 I got word via Facebook thst my dear young women’s leader Joyce Tieman passed away at the age of 74. Another one bite the dust. Can the pain just stop?

Farewell Sashia

 Today a dear pet left today. I will miss my sister Cassie and brother in law Eric Pasenelli’s dog. She was 13. She has been going downhill. She was a very sweet dog. 

Sister Act Play at Hale Center Theather

 I have never been one to complain about play at Hale Center Theater until last week. I got the opportunity to go see Sister Act. I was so excited to go with some friends who had extra tickets. I loved the movie from when I was a teenager. I haven't seen it in years. I was disappointed in the language to start. I have never been to a play there where they had profanity in it. Plus, NONE of the songs I knew were in it. It was like it was a completely different show with just a few things from the movie. I know plays have to be different with copyright and such, but I just wish they could have done one of the songs I knew. They had some very talented actors, and the costumes were cool along with all the stage changes. It was impressive there. 

BYU beat Utah 21-24

 Three years in a row….BYU beat University of Utah. It was in Provo Utah. I was able to watch most of it at home. 

Fall Break 2025

 I really didn’t do much. Just stayed home and cleaned. I don’t move as fast as I use to and I hate it. I had plans to get so much done and only got a fraction and now I sit on the couch tired and it’s only 9:30 am. 

I just worked on my disaster of a room. How in the world have I collected so much stuff. I wish I could move faster and get things done like I use to. My 40’s have definitely been harder than my 30’s.  I know a lot has to do with my lack of sleep and the stress from my jobs. 

I did go and to the corn maze in West Jordan Utah with some friends. I had not been to a corn maze in like 20 years. It was a challenge having to wait and go at 9pm though. Loni, Jill Davis, Rebecca Anderson, Tavi Sorenson and myself went. 

General Conference Fall 2025 in Evanston WY

 I spent yesterday and today at my sister Cassie Pasenelli’s house in Evanston, WY. 

My pinky finger

 I smashed my pinky finger on my left hand today and it hurts. Don’t think it’s broken. I hope it’s not broken. I’ll add More details tomorrow.

 Grateful for Sunday. I slept in today. I got 8 1/2 hours asleep according to my Fitbit. That is amazing. I normally get about 5 hours. No wonder I have weight. Issues. Sleep is what helps us progress and heal. I miss being able to wake up and ready to go. I just wake up stressed as I think about the long day I have ahead. 

Hopefully I can get things planned out today. I know it’s Sunday but yesterday I spent all day going through the stuff in my car searching for my glasses and did not find them. So I am a little behind. So after I finish my breakfast drink I’ll shower and get ready for church. Then get out my notebook, write goals for the week and set my budget and figure out from the goals of students I work with what I will do. 

I still am praying for my glasses and other pair of sunglasses. I guess Heavenly Father wants me to go get me eyes checked. It’s been seven years. That was the last time dad checked my eyes. I was hoping to keep that as my memory. Guess I have to give it up. 

 I have been sick for a week and hate it. Life has been challenging. I wish I were better and had more energy. I miss being younger and enjoying life. 

 My cute nephew got baptized today. 

 Sitting here in a fireside and everyone is old. I guess I just have not embraced the fact that I am old now. Where did the time go? I remember firesides had young people. I guess it’s time to give up. I wonder why I have had to wait so long. Maybe I don’t have enough patience,  I will never know. 

1st week of school is over

 This is year of change I guess you could say. It is going to be hard. If I were younger and had more energy change would be easier but it’s not. I am exhausted and old and over weight making my jobs a lot harder. I’ll explain more later. Just need to get some sleep. 

 I drove back to Utah and stressed the entire way. My stomach hurt. I tried multiple treats and nothing worked. I miss home. I get back to Sandy and I just have so much stuff. It’s overwhelming. I still have stuff in a storage unit and more stuff at my sister Lisa’s house. How did I get so much stuff? Agh!!!! I hope I can get some sleep. It’s late yet I am stressed. 

I will miss my movie nights with my parents. I will miss the ice cream too. Home is a great place to be. I am hoping my foot will heal and I can exercise some more soon. I would like to lose some weight and feel better. 

 

My scabs are itching today. They feel tight. I will have to see if they leave scars once they are healed. I can't imagine what they would look like if I had fingernails when I was scratching myself in my sleep. 

 

HOT!!!!

 It has been a HOT summer for sure. It's never been this hot here. It only ever cooled down for a few days. I am a wimp and complain when it's only in the 80s. I don't know how people do it when it is hotter. Yes, there might be air conditioning but it is not fun to stay inside. 

My place in Sandy has an air conditioner upstairs, but it's really loud. The main floor is just hot, and only two windows open. I wish my landlords would replace some of the windows so they would open. 

I wish it would rain. How I miss the rain and how nice it smells. With no moisture, the people here will have to sell off all their cattle because there is nothing for them to eat in the mountain pastures, and the ones here in town have nothing either. I sometimes hate that things have to be off everywhere. Some places get too much moisture and others not enough rain to sustain the land. 

There are surely a lot more natural disasters and evil in the world. I wish the Savior would come. I am ready for him to be here. 

It's been about a month now since my friend Chad Bousum passed away. I don't know the exact day, but it was after the 8th because that was the last response to a text message I got. I still can't believe he is gone, and I missed my chance to finally go and meet him. 

Let's see what else....I was going to go back to Utah tomorrow, but decided to wait until Sunday. I need another day to finish up things. I will miss out on getting an ice cream cone at Bluff Fort, but oh well. My Aunt Julie and her husband, Jack Monett, finish up their mission there this month, too. I am trying to not spend very much money. I don't know what work will look like this school year. I am bummed about being moved out west. I am bummed I did not even get a job interview for the aide position I applied for. I would have had a pay cut, but given me more hours and less driving. Oh well. I do worry about custodial. I am never sure what Mike is going to tell me. He never talks to me but wants to talk to me on Tuesday when I come back. I would have thought he would have me back and working, but no. I am grateful, though. I needed the extra time here at home. 

Scratching in my sleep

My scabs from scratching look awful today. I don't know how I scratch so hard when I don't have fingernails. They hurt and don’t itch anymore. My right hand keeps having pain in it, along with my plantar fasciitis is bothering me. I have the brace on my foot nearly 24 hours a day now, and haven’t done that much walking, yet it hurts. I am just falling apart….on the right side of my body.

 

Itchy

 Yesterday I was itching like crazy. I scratched myself in my sleep and even drew blood. I have blood spots on my sheet. I don’t know what is up and why I was itching so bad. It was around both my wrists and my lower arms. They hurt today and when I try and move them. 

 Last week at home. I’ll drive back on Saturday. I was so tired at church today. I was doing everything I could to not fall asleep in sacrament meeting. I ended my fast and was eating candy and still I just wanted to fall over on the bench and sleep. 

Brother Cottonington sat behind me and was very talkative despite not having his hearing aids with him again today. I miss his with Norma Cottington. She always talked to me when I came home. She passed away earlier this year and so did Joyce Zigglier.  I am dreading the day my parents leave. They have ages a lot this year and seem a lot frailer.

I am still a little sad over my friend Chad Bousum dying. I wish he would have reached out if he were sad and not taken his life. We all need a friend to talk to from time to time. I hurt for his family, especially his little boys who will grow up without their dad. 

I worry about work. I am not excited to work out in Eagle Mountain. I am sad I never got a call to interview for the teacher assistant job I applied for. I worry Mike Culter will take away the secondary school from me this year with cleaning at Freedom Preparatory Academy. 

I am just a worry wart mess. 

Camping at Greens Peak

 Today dad and I are headed up to camp at Greens Peak. It will be a tiny Heap reunion. Very few are going. 

Sleep, Anxious and Life

 My Fitbit says 6 hours and 54 minutes of sleep. I feel okay, but super anxious today. My sleep has improved some since I heard about my friend Chad passing away.  I still feel like crying. Maybe I should just cry my heart out. I just wish I was excited for life. The older I get the sadder I get. Isn’t that weird? Life is an adventure yet I am stuck in limbo. I need to get out and on my way like Dr. Seuess’s book “Oh the places you’ll go”. 

 I know you should never be mad at people, but I am. I care too much, and when they make dumb choices, it just breaks my heart. I hate crying, and I have been crying some. I try hard to hold it in, though. I am the type who tries to tough things out. 

I need to get motivated again and be excited. I have been a little dead lately and just feeling down. I don't like feeling down, but that is where I am at this point in time. 

3 birthdays

July 29th is a big birthday for my family. My brother-in-law Allen Browning has a birthday. He turned 46 this year. My oldest sister Lisa's boy, Riley Smith, turned 16, and my sister Melanie's second boy, Max Hart, turned 11.  Birthdays are always fun. I wish I could make it to see all of them. They are all growing up so fast.  

Lack of Sleep

 I was restless last night and got only an hour and forty-two minutes of sleep according to my Fitbit. I was so sad over my friend Chad's death.  I am just in denial right now and wishing I could go back and help save him. Maybe if I had called before he and his wife separated the second week of July, which is also when he killed himself. I just am sad. I don't have feelings for him, but I hurt for him, and I truly care. I wish I had been braver and gone to meet him and his wife and kids, and now that is gone. Shelby Bousum, his wife, says I can come see her. I will wait until I am healed and maybe try. That would be weird, though. I feel for her, too. I sometimes hate that  I care about people. I wish I could just let go and not need people in my life. I hate it when people move, quit, die, and don't want to be my friend anymore. I always want everyone in my life. Wish me luck tonight. Hopefully, I can sleep. 

Chad Bousum

I just got the news that my friend Chad Bousum who I have known for 20+ years online passed away. I had sent him a text message about my sisters baby blessing and my nephew’s missionary farewell. He had not responded. Then his wife Shelby texted me and soon as I saw that I knew he had died and was hesitant to call. I wanted to cry when she confirmed it. I  never met him but he was a friend who helped me through some hard times and listened when I needed someone to talk to. Guess I have to wait until the next life. I hope I can sleep. I hate losing people. I hate having to wait. 

 My summer has gone by too fast. It's nice to be away from all the crazy traffic. It's nice to not have to hear the noisy air conditioner or deal with roommates. It's nice to be at home. I am sad to go back. I think I will just pack up everything when I get back and inventory what I have. I need to do something different. I just wish it were easier to find a job, and that I had confidence in myself. I just don't know where I need to be. I ask, but I just get anxiety instead. I don't know what kind of answer that is. 

 It finally rained some yesterday and today. Dad was happier. I know it wasn’t a down pour but at least it was something.

It’s  been weird to it have homework. I should be happy right? 

Stress

 I  am so stressed out. I am so frustrated. My car decided to have issues. The rear main seal started to leak. Who knew it would be SO EXPENSIVE to replace? I want to cry. I pray every day for my car, and I wonder why Heavenly Father let this happen. I know I drive too much. I wish I didn't have to drive. I wish I could just work from home. It is going to cost me almost $2000!!! I can't get a break. I don't even know how to find a job or have the confidence to get a new one. I feel like a failure at life. 

Happy Anniversary Jacob and Karen Heap

 Today marks 20 years since my brother Jacob and sister-in-law Karen Heap got married. None of us were invited since they got married in Las Vegas NV. However, I am glad my brother has someone incredible in his life. He deserves the best. 

Harts were in Town.

 Melanie, Scott and their boys Adam, Max, Danny, and Sam Hart were all here since last Thursday. It was fun and crazy having them here. They are all growing up so fast. 

I never realized how "cool"  I was until Sam, Danny, and Max all fought over who got to sit by me each meal. It made me feel special. Never knew I was anything. I am quiet and odd. Not fun like their other Aunts and Uncles.

Friday, they spent most of the day with both Clif and Bonnie, Holly and Allen Browning, and all of their kids at Lyman Lake. That just did not sound like fun to me. I am not a water person, and I sunburn like no other; I just can't handle wasting time. My time is so precious. I stayed home with my mom and dad since neither of them wanted to go either.

Clif Browning cooked most of the dinner meals. He offered to do them all for my mom, but she politely said no because she wanted to do a few of them. 

Saturday, we all got together and had cookies and visited. At one point, since we were in a big circle,e we played a few rounds of the "telephone game". Danny Hart never laughed so hard, and you knew once it got to him that it would completely change. I have never seen him laugh so hard. All the goodies were good and it was fun to listen to people. I don't talk much. I end up in the shadows and listening. That is how my life is. 

The Elk are destroying everything

 The elk have destroyed my chance of green beans this year. I am bummed. I was looking forward to picking green beans and bottling them and they have eaten my rows to nearly nothing. I want to cry. They are destroying the Orchard and  blackberries too. There are huge piles of poop everywhere. 

4th of July 2025 in Eagar, AZ

 

It was only me from out of town out of my siblings this year. However, my niece Ashlyn Browning Lotz and her husband, Jared, and little baby boy Sterling were there this year for the 4th of July. Mom came to the parade too! I think she came last year, but there were many years that she did not come. I did not have matching shirts this year for my parents. BYU's Patriotic shirt was a joke and not worth buying. I have been buying them for the 4th since 2017. We all sat together with both my sister's families. Clif Browning (Bonnie's husband) cooked dinner for us. It was okay. Hamburgers are okay, but ore some reason they did not taste as good. I could have just been me and food not agreeing with me, as it has lately. I got a nap in the afternoon. It was very low-key. We watched the fireworks from in front of the house. They were okay there. You could still see them over the tops of the trees. My cousin Kimberly Heap Alvy and her husband and three kids were there too. They have been staying up in Alpine for the past few weeks, escaping the heat.