new family

The other day in the car the kids were being noisy and driving me crazy. Luckily, I spotted this place. What luck! It looked promising..

"What a great idea" I thought to myself. You just drop your family off, then pick up a different one. Ever since I was young, I always hoped that when I grew up that one of my kids could be T.V.'s "small wonder". She's a miracle, and I'll grant you, she'll enchant you at first sight. (that's from the theme song, as if you didn't know) Well-mannered, conservatively dressed, and.... (spoiler alert coming if you haven't seen the show)

SHE'S A ROBOT!!!!!!

She cleans the house faster than a speeding bullet and is more powerful than a locomotive. After doing all the chores, she walks into the closet and powers down. Anyway, it was all going to be swell in my mind. So I dropped the kids off in one door, and screamed "GIVE ME THE SMALL WONDER ROBOT THAT I SAW ON TV!!!

(If you were wondering about the process, it's a pretty loosely run organization. You just drop off your family at the pick-up area, no questions asked or paperwork; then you scream what you want into the air and run around to the pick up area on the other side of the building.)

I then happily ran out the door and around the building to the pickup area when much to my chagrin they handed me this:

Needless to say, I was quite disappointed. I think they could sense it so they also threw in this.

I was satisfied then and lived happily ever after. I'm sure my kids are happy too.

Mexico part 2

As I came close to the ocean, the dolphins understandably rose to attention. They hoped for a nod of approval from me, but let's face it, their lines were quite crooked. I've never been known as a dolphin coddler or to give them false praise and I was not about to begin now. It was good enough though for a picture.

This guy enjoyed me holding his face and stroking his back. The one behind us thought he was hilarious and was making funny faces in the background. SO immature.

Kasie enjoyed a slow dance with this guy to "lady in red".

After the nice dance he moved in to kiss Kasie. That would have been fine, but then the dolphin suddenly became "all fins" if you know what I mean. Kasie ended up having to zap him with a tazer.

He started to cry after that and I felt sorry for him and held him like a baby. I'm rocking some sweet hat hair in this photo. The Mexican people thought I was bringing a new fashion trend from the states and they all started wearing their hair like that 30 minutes later.

Mexico part 0

On our way to Mexico we went through Dallas Ft. Worth and had a 6 hour layover. We decided to explore the downtown area. But first, inside the airport, we found the world's largest wishbone. I pulled one side and Kasie pulled the other. As you know, the winner is the one who ends up with the larger portion. As you might imagine, due to my superhuman strength, I won. However, the sheer weight of the thing was too much for me and crushed my spleen as well as many other internal organs and I died. Luckily, my wish with my dying breath was that if I was crushed to death at any point during the day that I would be magically healed, so it worked out fine and we were on our way.

We took a $50 taxi downtown to see the sights. Unfortunately, we could have taken a 50 cent bus and made it just as well, but we are dumb and all that cash was weighing heavily in my pocket. Once we got there, we found an amazing herd of the very rare bronze cattle. I began whispering soothingly in the leaders ear so he wouldn't trample us to death. Growing up, I was known as "the cattle whisperer".

You can see that I nearly have him asleep.

Suddenly though, an evil bronze cowboy spurred his horse into action and trampled Kasie!

Note the incredibly real fear in her expression.

I fought valiantly to muscle the brutes into submission, but alas....

There were too many of them and in the end, I was trampled to death, along with my wife. Luckily, thanks to my earlier wishbone wish, I came back to life immediately. Sadly, the wish only covered me and so Kasie was still smushed flat. So how exactly did I have pictures of Kasie for Mexico part 1 in my last post? Ever seen "Weekend at Bernie's"? Enough said.

We then took the 50 cent bus back to the airport. Unfortunately, it was the wrong airport and we were forced because of time to take another $50 taxi to the correct airport. I'm sure there are many lessons to be learned from this post so go back and read the entire thing again unless you hate learning.

Mexico part 1

So, you know how when you arrive in Hawaii they put the "lay" of flowers on you? Well Mexico is just like that except for instead of flowers, they drape you with pythons. Here's Kasie and I during our traditional Mexican welcome. Forgive the shirtlessness of the great white one, but upon arrival the natives tore my clothes off in a frenzy to determine if I was in fact one of those- glitter in the sunlight "Twillight"- type vampires. Such is my almost transparently white paleness.

As we went to our room for the first time, I was excited to see that there was a hot tub right next to the bed, which was perfect for those late night hot-tub cravings I often have. I could just roll off the bed and directly into the hot-tub without using my legs like a sucker. That's good service, however, I was less excited when I quickly learned that it was also our combination bathtub and toilet. Oh well, when in Rome....or Mexico. Whatever.

As we ventured into town the next day, my excitement had waned. Note the baleful expression.

However, I was soon draped with animals and the happiness returned! Yes, that's a lizard on my head. I would have it no other way.

They take their fun seriously down there. Each evening, if you had not reached your mandatory fun quotient you were summarily shot by these machine gun men.

We went into the town of Tulum to see the Mayan ruins the next day. They were very ruin-y. Things started off calm enough.

Then things got crazy as our tour guide described to us how the Mayans used to do human sacrifice culminating in cutting open the stomach and reaching up into the rib cage and pulling out the still beating heart of the victims. Here's our guide pointing to the temple where they used to do it.

Before we knew what was happening, the guide tried to thrust his hand upward under Kasie's ribs and pull out her heart! Luckily Kasie floated gracefully backward so he only grabbed air. Kasie has fought off villians like him before and has the reflexes of a greased jungle cat who had been adopted by a family of lightning bolts. That how fast she is. Note the humoring smile she gives the guide at his pathetic murder attempt.

I of course, am also no slouch in the reflex department, having been raised by a mom who was a cheetah and a father who was a machine gun. Don't get bogged down by the biology or logic or it all, just understand that I'm pretty fast as well. Anyway, I lickety-split grabbed one of the lizards that had by this time found its way onto my head again and threw him like a dagger, spearing our guide's hand through and through. He looked unbelievingly at the two of us and our deadly show of precision and speed. I gave him one of my special knowing looks. the kind of look that says "I know what you must be thinking right now. You know that what happened to you was so incredible and life changing that even though you have a lizard speared through your hand, you want to thank us. Believe me, we've seen it a thousand times before-and you're welcome." Shown below is precisely what our guide saw and now you can understand the message that it is conveying.

We found out later that he was in actuality only doing a demonstration of how the Mayans used to do it and not trying to kill Kasie at all. We accepted his heartfelt apology of course. We're very understanding people.

mystery spot

Here is a question for you: Where can you go to have your brain melted by black holes and inter-dimensional space rays for $5 per person?

That's right, it's "the mystery spot" in Santa Cruz, CA. If you do not go there at some point in your life (read RIGHT NOW) then your face will implode from the same freaky gravity bending weirdness that we saw here.

Example 1: This board is exactly level. The guide proved it with a level to us. As you can see, Autumn is taller.

Now, when they switch positions, you'll notice that Abby is suddenly taller-and terribly amused because of it. What just happened? I don't know, but hang on, there's more.

Item #2: This video shows Donavan giving the tour guide a battery that he loves to carry around. He did that because she wanted to show us with an untampered with object how on a perfectly level board, (she showed us with a level again) that things placed on it will roll toward the end. That's because the mystery spot pulls things (like our money) towards its center with an insatiable power.

Thing #3: This is actually not anything unusual. I can do this pretty much anywhere. You'll actually probably see me on any given afternoon standing like this on a street corner with my back parallel to the ground like a scene from the Matrix. I'm not looking for people to give me money or anything, it's just who I am.

some sad news-not really

Listen, they miss their fat, black and white Poopie. Who am I to judge? When Poopie is missing we've all got to band together! Let's get out there people and find Jennifer and Bobby their missing Poopie!

power bill

So, remember when the West family used to use electricity at their house? Yeah, those were good times. That was before I opened the $1,400 power bill yesterday. Needless to say, there some immediate changes were instituted.

First, this is our new clothes dryer.


It uses way less electricity than our old one did.


Change #2: This is what I look like now.

I know what you're thinking.

First, that looks a lot like Weird Al. I don't really see the resemblance, but whatever.

Second, how does growing a huge beard save power? Static electricity. Duh- think about it. Third, why would you dress in heavy black clothes? Wouldn't that make it hotter? Yes, actually you're right. It's ridiculous, but I look super cool.

But the point is, we're getting back to our roots. Going green. We're going to be using candles for lights and paper fans for breezes from now on. Refrigeration is for morons and electricity is for losers I say. I lost at least 3 years of my life when I opened that bill. I can't afford to do that every month.

Kasie asked yesterday, "Is this how we're going to live the rest of our life?" (Read that in the expasperated tone of a woman who has recently crossed the plains in a covered wagon and just looked over the top of a recent rise, only to see hundreds more miles of wilderness ahead of her. That should give you an idea of the precise tone. The thermostat was set to 84, which was why all the moaning.) "Of course not," I said. "Once the winter comes, it won't be this hot."

So if you were looking to buy Kasie a sympathy gift. Might I suggest this title?