Happy January!

I like January, except last year because it was -20, almost everyone I knew fled the cold before I did, and I went 2 weeks in which I would only leave for an hour or so every 4 days just to brave the cold and go to the DVD market and get a few groceries. I lived off of chicken alfredo made from a mix, hot chocolate, toast, a limited book selection, and bootlegged DVDs.

But normally, I like January. I think new year's resolutions are just asking to be broken so I don't make them, but I do try to set goals that I usually don't reach. I usually think about what the challenges and highlights of the next year will be, though I've learned that my expectations are usually wrong and I can only really think about life a month at a time.

Little (and big) things I'm excited about this month/year are:

1. Leighton is doing well enough that doctors have talked about sending him home before his next surgery, which will be in March. I wasn't even expecting him to stay off his breathing tube for long.

2. turning 24, mostly because it is an excuse to invite friends to hang out. Some people I miss a heck of a lot happen to be coming into town on my birthday week.

2. I won't miss having a camera anymore because one of the aforementioned friends is giving me his old one.

3. road trips to Norman. the drive is long but usually pretty nice. unfortuntately it's hard to get my iPod adapter to work in my car so most entertainment consists of singing or talking to myself during the drive. i'm starting to really love norman, though. many of the people there are awesome. they have a nice chic-fil-a and a really good cheap thai restaurant. they even have a library with a good DVD selection.

4. actually filling out and sending my grad school application to the University of Cental Oklahoma. the idea of being a student again, and living in oklahoma, is a distant but true reality. i better enjoy the hills (and hillbillies) while i still can.

5. laundry love project: i went for the first time on Friday night. basically, some of my fellow community groupers and I met up with some Cobblestone Project people at a laundromat and provided free laundry services geared towards homeless/really low income people in south F'ville. it wasn't very busy this week but i'm looking forward to getting to know the people who come regularly. i also like putting quarters in machines and pushing buttons, which is probably why i used to have so many usesless toys from quarter machines.

6. working in the Greenhouse a few times this semester with the younger elementary kids. i've known most of them since they were 3 and some since they were babies. i love seeing kids grow up and teaching them more about Jesus. they are also pretty hilarious, often without realizing it.

7. Scrubs on ABC!!!

I Wish I Had A Camera

The people who still blog post fun pictures, but I can't because some thief in Lhasa is running around with my camera. I hope they're taking good pictures and not wasting it. If I had one, I would post pictures of things like:
1. the lighting of the fayetteville square, particularly the very bearded man selling light sabers. it was a very "stars hollow"ish night.
2. all 5 thanksgiving dinners i partook of (2 potluck, 3 with family)
3. the snow from last Sunday.
4. kort (2-yr. old nephew) trying to start his tricycle with car keys.
5. my CG meeting at Hog Haus instead of the guys' house last week as a result of a broken heater and the threat of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Back to School?

I've been spending some time lately doing some shopping. For graduate school programs, that is. I want to teach English to Tibetans but one thing I learned while I was doing that for the first year is that I'm not that good at it. Especially not if I wanted to do anything beyond basic, textbook-led conversational English classes.

So with the freedom to dream big and to actually go for accomplishing some of those dreams, comes discipline. Lots of it. The way I acted as a kid and as a college student both point to how I am not necessarily "wired" to pursue discipline in any shape or form. I like being a student, but not getting up at 7:30am for class or doing homework. I like to read books, but not to finish them. I like to have purpose, but not when it takes too much work.

But now I am thinking through how both job options and just general knowledge would open up if I go to grad school, which would open into ways I could serve the community of people where I want to live. So now I'm looking into programs where I could get a Master of Arts in teaching English as a second language. They are more elusive than I expected. But I am convinced that the work of finding a school, the application process and all that is in between will be worth it if 1) it is in the plan of God (he does have one) and 2) I don't chicken out when things get frustrating/overwhelming/hard.

The current frustration is that to get into either of the programs I'm most interested in require some sort of prerequisite that the education department, in their infinite wisdom, didn't include in my undergrad program. (Or maybe the problem is that I in my infinite wisdom decided on an education degree at the U of A...) I'm waiting to hear whether certain classes qualify as "English classes" but I think I know the answer. So just to be considered for admission into one of the 2 programs, I will either need to take 12 hours of undergrad English classes or 6 hours of Chinese classes. I wouldn't feel like that was a big waste of time, but it isn't free, so.....back to shopping for grad schools, and now for tutoring jobs...

Lately it seems like people are changing their e-investments from the blog world to the world of facebook. As in, people are spending a lot more time updating facebook than their blogs. I would complain about this if 1) I didn't do it myself (because then I would be a hypocrite) and 2) I still lived overseas (now I can keep up with people face-to-face).

In other news, I am addicted to 2 new TV shows. One addiction is Pushing Daisies (which I owe to my cousin). It's about a guy who brings people to life by touching them, and can kill them again by touching them a second time. And, if he lets someone live more than a minute after bringing them back, someone else has to die in their place. So some guy hires him to find out how people died and collect the rewards offered for info related to their deaths. AND, to make things way more interesting, he brought his childhood sweetheart back to life, they fall in love, but he can never touch her again! (It sounds like I'm giving a lot away, but that was all in the pilot episode). The other addiction is Arrested Development (which I owe to my boyfriend). A lot of people already watch it but it's about a dysfunctional family in which the father embezzled money and is in prison, while his only normal son takes over the company and lets the rest of the family live with him. I've only seen 4 or 5 episodes but I think it's worthy of spending a significant amount of time watching (when I don't have other things to do, of course).

And, speaking of "other things", these days I don't have a lot of other things to do. I hang out in the hospital during the week a lot, and spend some of that time wondering what it would be like to be one of the parents who lives in the waiting rooms while their child is being kept alive by machines and medicines. Sometimes I cry for those people, just as I cry for my sister and brother in law (though I am fully convinced that there is a lot of hope for my nephew). However, I am constantly reminded that it is not really machines and medicines that keep babies, and other people, alive, but that it's the Spirit of God... Christ who sustains life and holds all things together.

So, other than holding Leighton's hand and watching TV, these days I hang out with people a lot. I drive a lot. I am researching grad schools for a master's degree in teaching english or applied linguistics. I'm having a lot of luck (which I don't believe in, just for the record) with all of the above except the research, which is alright, since I don't need to make a decision any time soon. I need to take the GRE. I am on a Wendell Berry reading kick that might last as long as it takes to finish all his books. I co-lead a community group that I have only been to once. I miss my students from last year like crazy but I don't know how much longer I'll be in America. I am cool with these unknowns because it is only a season of life, and because it pushes me to rely on the unchangingness of God. I know that unchangingness isn't a word, and that the right word is immutability, but I don't really care.

A Child Sent to Retell the Story

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see." -C.S. Lewis

This is Leighton, the miracle who is living and breathing before our eyes. He is my 3 pound, 9 ounce, precious blond-haired nephew. I love him because of who he is, and I can't wait to find out who he becomes.

Nine days ago a neonatologist told us that this little guy's chances of survival were very low. My sister went into labor too early for his system to be developed enough...they thought his heart would give out from all the work because he has hypoplastic left heart syndrome. The options were given to either provide "comfort care" for the baby and spend some time with him, or to pursue heart surgery with aggression and very low expectations. My brother-in-law and sister discussed this through tears as the rest of my family waited outside. The sorrow was overwhelming and I can say now I know how it feels for one's heart to be wrenched.

But then God reminded me, through His Word and through His people, not to give up hope. That He heals, that He listens to our requests and likes to show His power and His love. But most of all, He reminded me that He came to earth and lived, suffered, died, and rose from the dead to heal us of spiritual sickness and death. As I looked for stories of Jesus's healings, what caught my eye was the story of His resurrection.

I held on to this hope as I watched and prayed for my sister, and her husband, and little Leighton. I asked for healing, a miracle...some way, somehow. And the One who breathed life into the first human did His work of sustaining new life once again. My sister didn't deliver him until 3 days later, and the doctors were surprised at both her ability to hold out until then and the extent of Leighton's development. He is doing very well now, with the help of a ventilator that he hardly needs, tube-feedings, and various medicines. His first heart surgery will be Thursday morning, and the expectations for success are high.

And the story "written across the whole world" that C.S. Lewis speaks of is what I hold on to... the love, perfection, incarnation, and resurrection of Christ. To my heart, the miracle of Leighton's life is not only an answer to a request I cried out of love for my little nephew. It is also a retelling of the Story of our gracious God through tiny, barely developed lungs... through half a heart that is pumping hard for life... through a little hand that can grip our fingers and deep blue eyes that occasionally gaze curiously on our new faces.

I'm Not Telling You What to Do, But...

I guess this is about the time to start new things for the year, but it's my first time to NOT be starting school in some fashion so I've been thinking through ways to keep myself busy. I have thought of some stuff to do and I am beginning a series of blog posts of recommendations. This means I've done the research, and sometimes even sent the info request e-mails. It doesn't mean that I've read the books or actually taken the classes I'm recommending so I plan to follow up on some of this. 

So my first recommendation is, of course, a book.

Recommended book: The Reason for God by Tim Keller. I hear from trusted sources that in this book, Keller does a great job of addressing and seeking to answer questions that skeptics have about the Bible. They say it's good both for people who believe the truth of the Bible and people who don't.

Some questions that are addressed in the book are: Why does God allow suffering in the world? Why isn't Christianity more inclusive? How can one religion be "right" and the others "wrong"?

The website for the book, thereasonforgod.com, says, "Keller uses literature, philosophy, real-life conversations, and reasoning to explain how faith in a Christian God is a soundly rational belief, held by thoughtful people of intellectual integrity with a deep compassion for those who truly want to know the truth." 

So, while I am convinced without a doubt that I believe the truth, I have many friends who either don't have a clue what the truth is about or who aren't too sure that absolute truth even exists. I can't imagine going through life unsure of foundational truth about who God is. That doesn't mean I've never had any of the above questions; I have in the past, and I am very interested in what Keller has to say and how the Word of God specifically speaks to them.

I personally am not usually very excited about reading books that seem like they're apologetic in nature and haven't really brought myself to finish any, but I am ready to get my hands on this one and study it in depth with my community group. I'll try to post my thoughts on it periodically.

Culture Shock?

Some people have asked me if I've experienced reverse culture shock since returning to the U.S. I'm not even sure what that is (I know what it means, but I don't know how it plays out) but here are some of the things that are weird about being back in America. 

1) I feel like I'm always spending money... and a lot of it. Stuff here costs WAY more.

2) I ate at a sushi restaurant today and said "Xie xie" to the Japanese waitress when she gave me my food. 

3) I feel like the new girl in town pretty much anywhere I go. I've even forgotten how to get to some of the places I used to go all the time.

4) I don't know what to do with coins when I get them as change. China pretty much only uses paper currency so my change purse is still full of Thai Baht and Macanese Patacas.

5) Where the heck are all the taxis and public buses? 

6) I stand at coffee shop counters, or sit at my table with the menu, for way too long every time just to order an iced coffee or a cheeseburger. There are SO many choices that I am nearly paralyzed every time I have to make one.

7) Everything is so big and empty (comparatively)... Wal-mart, streets, restaurants... everything.

8) I can't tune out conversations people are having around me nearly as easily when they're in English and not Chinese. 

I think there are definitely bigger issues involved in reverse culture shock but I won't go into them. Maybe I'll think through them more later when the little things become normal again.