Well, here I am... finally... posting about our new addition. Yes, it's been a while since she's been born. Yes, I realize I should include some pictures. No, I'm not going to. Not right now, at least. My camera is all the way upstairs, for heaven's sake!
So, let me tell you a little story.
It's Piper's story.
It's the scariest story I've ever been a part of.
Let's backtrack a little ways and start at the beginning...
Monday August 20th, I picked my mom up at the airport. She flew into Salt Lake City at 1:40 pm to be there for my induction scheduled for the next morning. First, we drove to my friend Katie's house to pick up her bassinet she said we could borrow. I lost two of the poles that go to ours! Sadly, it's weird having Piper in a different bassinet. All my kids have used the same one! I know, I'm sentimental. Anyways, then I took mom with me to WinCo for a last hoorah shopping trip. No lie, my Suburban was packed with canned food! We got back to my house, finished cleaning up (not much to do there... those who follow me on facebook know how busy I was with nesting!), set up the bassinet and settled in for our last night as a family of 5.
Or so I thought.
My instructions were to call the hospital between 6:30am and 7:00am to find out whether there was room for me. I woke up around 6:15 and had to walk around/find something to do for 15 minutes.
About 6:25 (hey, I'm impatient), I called. The nurse told me to call back around 7:30 for the day shift nurse, but to be ready to come in at that time.
I called my sister and brother-in-law, who so willingly took the day off to watch my children, to come over. They were sleeping.
Around 7:30 I called the hospital back and spoke to the head nurse who told me that a lot of women had come in in labor the night before and that they were pretty packed. I needed to call back around 10:30 to see if any of them had had their babies to make room for me.
Now, those of you who've known me for a while, know that I have very, VERY fast labors. All of my children have been induced. Scott was a week late, the girls were all a week early (or so). I dilate and efface very early so labor is almost effortless. Scott was born in 6 hours from when my water broke to when he came, Kaitlyn was born in 4 hours, Audrie in 2 and a half. So, I was expecting a very fast labor with Piper.
I was very emotional. Couldn't stop crying for the life of me... my poor children. This was the hardest pregnancy I've had and I was so ready to be done and be holding my sweet little girl. I KNEW that, if the hospital would let me, I would be in and out in a matter of a few hours and probably BEAT a few of those women who came in during the night.
Because of these facts, I was very upset. I couldn't understand how things could change from "come in in an hour" to "call back later" in such a short amount of time.
I called the nurse back, her name was Jeanna, to ask her what had happened and try to understand. She was actually kind of rude and it hurt my feelings even more. She explained that there were no nurses available to get me hooked up and ready for my induction because they were all assisting other patients who had come in on their own. Call back at 10:30.
I did.
No room.
I felt like Mary! That POOR WOMAN!!
Call back at 1:30 but, if there's still no room, you can't come in because your Doctor doesn't want you in any later than 2:30. ie. He doesn't want to have to be to work later than 5:00.
Stink.
Since I'd been so good about getting ready, I had nothing to do. All. Day.
We took the kids to the park with my mom and Aubrey and Brandon. Aubrey and Brandon went to the gas station and bought us all ICEE's and candy. Bless them. I spoke to a woman at the park who had had the same thing happen with her... only she was overdue! I couldn't imagine.
I started to feel worse for myself because, well, that's what I do sometimes.
And then, because I couldn't handle it, Josh called back at 1:30 and got the whole story.
There were six women scheduled for inductions that morning. I was number 5... not sure how that happened because, frankly, I told my doctor when I wanted my induction SIX WEEKS out. But, he either called too late (probably the case) or some other doctor's jumped the gun.
Whatever.
I was number five and, at 1:30, they were waiting to call number 4 and tell her she could come in.
They rescheduled me for the morning. They moved number 6 to Thursday (this was Tuesday morning) and had me as the only induction of the day.
I just wish they would've told me that from the beginning. I could've mourned, and gotten over it faster; maybe found something to do besides sit around and wait and feel sorry for myself.
Long story longer, we settled in again to wait for the morning.
I called at 7:00 and was told to come in a 7:30.
Called Aubrey and Brandon. Woke them up... again.
Got a call back from the hospital saying two women had come in in the last thirty minutes in labor.
Wait for a call from them.
More crying...
Then the call came.
I needed to be there at 9.
Sweet hallelujia!!
After the initial check-in (I had pre-registered so it took about five minutes) and being shown to my room, I was all ready and hooked up the oxytocin waiting to meet my baby girl.
But the heart monitor kept losing her. At first we thought she kept moving out of the way.
My nurse, Jeanna (who was amazing and felt horrible for having to move me), told me she was going to call my Doctor to come break my water so they could put a monitor on the baby's head to track her heart beat better.
Doctor Dinger arrived about ten minutes later, broke my water, and never left.
They knew immediately there was something wrong.
Piper's heart rate was psychotically sporadic. The head monitor beeps with every heart beat and it would go from about 150 bpm and beeping like mad, to almost nothing.. beeping every few seconds... then back up to 150.
The initial thought was that the cord was wrapped around Piper's neck. Doctor Dinger checked (OUCH!) but couldn't find anything but her hand.
Jeanna called for my epidural. She believed me when I told her that I labor very fast and push twice. She was expecting/hoping that I would be ready and have the baby quickly... but I had only progressed from a 4 to a 5.
As the anesthesiologist was putting in my epidural, I heard the scariest thing I've ever heard from my Doctor, "You need to be done now. Finish this. We're doing an emergency C-section."
I started to hyperventilate.
They gave me oxygen, which DIDN'T help because I'm also claustrophobic, and asked me to calm down.
Calm down!?
Let me get a few things straight.
1. I don't go to the doctor. I don't get physicals. I don't do anything except go to my OBGYN for yearly appointments and when I'm pregnant.
2. I don't do well with sudden change. Having the thought of a fast, painless, easy delivery torn from me was severely traumatic.
3. What have I done?! was my only real thought that I couldn't shake. Because of my selfish unwillingness to allow nature to take it's course and Piper to come when she was ready, I was now going to be rushed to surgery and my baby could have permanent brain damage or worse.
4. I was scared out of my mind! Surgery?! No! This wasn't what I wanted or expected. What about my baby?! What about my body?!
5. I was angry. I wanted them to give me ten minutes. Just TEN minutes and everything would be fine. I'd be dilated, two pushes, and BAM baby.
In a moment of pure panic, however, I suddenly was overcome with a strong feeling of peace. I knew, without a doubt, that everything would be ok. Piper was going to be fine. I was going to be fine. I would get through this and all would be well.
I started to relax... a little... enough to try to focus on the fact that the oxygen mask wasn't going to kill me and try to take in everything that had and was going to happen.
Mind you, this all happened in the length it took for me to get my epidural. The anesthesiologist simply turned my epidural into a spinal tap and gave me the drugs necessary for surgery.
Once those kicked in, my "calm" was a thing of the past.
They ran me down the hallway and into the OR, stopped my mom from following, yelled at Josh for not wearing his mask, threw me on a table, asked if I could feel anything, sliced, diced, and then I heard, "Heather, can you hear that?! She's crying!"
There was nothing wrong that they could tell. In the midst of trying to breathe and trying to see my baby (hey, I'd been crying for a long time and my eyes were all puffed up!), I heard Jeanna ask Dr. Dinger if there was any cord in the way or wrapped on anything. He said no.
Which made me feel worse, of course.
I had to put myself into an almost trance to try to get through the panic that was eeking at the front of my mind. It felt like something was sitting in my chest, not allowing me to breathe. The anesthesiologist told me that it was completely normal to feel that way; that I could breathe, obviously, because I was talking, and that I'd lose feeling in my arms WAY before I'd completely lose it in my chest. So then I started panicking because I could swear I couldn't feel my arms... until I'd move them.
I closed my eyes and focused on taking breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
Jeanna came up and started to rub my cheek, telling me I'd done well and that Piper was perfectly healthy and fine. When I didn't respond (she couldn't hear me), she thought I'd fallen asleep. Josh explained that I was just closing me eyes. Jeanna told me that she was born at 12:26. We'd gotten into the room at 12:20.
After what seemed like forever (around 1pm), they lifted me back to a hospital bed, and wheeled me down the hall. They forgot to lift my bed, however, so I couldn't see anything that was happening. They had wrapped up Piper and put her in the crook of my arm, but I couldn't really feel her there.
I felt out of body. Like this was all happening to someone else and I was just having to be tortured by enduring the panic of it all.
Once I got back to my room, however, and started to be able to feel my arms and breathe easier, things were a little better.
Jeanna came in to make sure everything was ok. She took Piper (who looked JUST like Audrie at birth, chubby cheeks and all), checked her vitals, wrapped her up and handed her to Josh. I couldn't feel her anyways.
But I couldn't stop crying. I felt so guilty. I felt so lost. And I felt completely disconnected from my daughter; like I hadn't given birth and like she wasn't really mine. After I could feel my arms and was able to hold her and feed her comfortably, I felt much better. But it took a while.
I was still so emotional!
Then Jeanna did me the greatest service anyone could've done for me that day.
When I told her how guilty I felt at forcing my child into the world instead of waiting; that none of this would've happened if I would've just been patient, she told me this:
She said, "Ya know what, I see God in everything I do. More so in this job than any other. If you would've broken your water at home, your baby might not have made it. We were completely expecting to have to resuscitate her. It's a miracle there was nothing wrong. This was the best place for you to be today."
Now it's been a week and a half since Piper's dramatic/traumatic entrance into this world. I was in the hospital for three extra days. My recovery is going well. Piper is a wonderful baby! All the nurses in the hospital raved about how good she was, asking me whether I was going to put her in the nursery at night so they could take care of her. My mom and my main nurse, Ying, were shocked at how quickly I was up and walking after my surgery. So things are going very well.
Emotionally, as I've discovered while writing this, things are going slow. Jeanna told me that I'd have to mourn the loss of my dream delivery just like the loss of anything else close to my heart. I realize how true that is. Josh doesn't understand, like he shouldn't. How could he? I don't expect him to.
My mom, dad, and brother left yesterday and Josh goes back to work on Tuesday.
Not sure how I'm going to cope seeing as how I can't lift Audrie, my little (chubby) momma's girl, into her crib or high chair.
Scott starts school on Thursday of this week. I'm already an emotional wreck so I have NO clue what's going to happen when I drop him off and he cries (which I completely expect him to do). We are working with the school psychologist and his teacher to look into an ADD diagnosis for Scott, so that's emotional too.
Blah! I'm an emotional blob!
But I am grateful too.
Grateful for a wonderful doctor who saw signs of distress in my baby and didn't just let me labor. I found out later from my mom that he tried. He sat at the end of my bed the entire time I was getting my epidural and tried to see if I'd be able to deliver her instead of rush to the OR. Because of that, even though he has the social graces of a toad, I will keep going back to Doctor Dinger until I leave the state!
I'm grateful for my mom being there with me. I was a C-section for her and it was wonderful to be able to go through this with her.
I'm grateful for amazing nurses who were with me every step of the way and who helped me feel like a human again. It's amazing what a good shower can do, huh?
I'm grateful for my sister and brother-in-law for watching my kids and for my dad and brother who drove all night to make sure I was ok!
I'm especially grateful for my husband. For his support and calm during my storm! He may not understand completely the way I feel in the aftermath of the chaos, but he has been right there, holding my hand, and my baby, when I need him.
But mostly, I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father. His peace and His presence with me in the Operating Room was the difference between insanity and understanding on my part. He calmed Josh enough to get me through. Josh told me that, the second the doctor said, "Emergency C-section," he felt peace. The Lord knew I needed Josh calm. He knew I needed to feel peace in a moment when it felt like my world was crashing down and I was headed down a terrifying and frightening road.
I'm grateful, also, for all of you. For my friends who were there with words of encouragement, support, and congratulations.
And I lied.
I do have some pictures.
After this long, emotionally draining story, you at least deserve some pictures. Sorry for my facebook peeps, you've already seen all of these. Until I find my camera and upload the ones from there, this is all you get!
Day three in the hospital: Piper and I watched "Pride and Prejudice." Startin' her off early! My favorite night nurse, Karen, wanted to come watch it with us!
Pretty sure this is also day three when I finally felt good enough to get up and find the baby clothes I'd brought for her! This is my UBER favorite baby blanket. Got it from some great friends when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn in Rexburg. It's the best blanket for wrapping babies up nice and tight!
These pictures were taken the day we came home. Yes, this is the only picture I have of any of the kids with Piper... Audrie LOVES her little sister and wants to hold her all. day. long!
More to come soon!! Now where's the stinkin' camera...?
