seven for a secret

Thinking about actually posting in here again! A reminder that anyone still reads it made me think a place to journal might be good. Would anyone read if I did?

Aww, Dreamwidth is in its double digits! Happy birthday DW! You have been a haven for so many.

Meanwhile, my life has clearly radically changed because ten years ago I couldn't imagine not journaling long-form nearly every day, and now I live on Twitter. But c'est la vie. I'd like to get my butt back on here more often though.

Does anyone have anything they want to know about things with me? Huh. I don't know where I'd start. I'd need to make some updated icons if I got back into writing regularly! (Though this one is a moment I'll always love.)

It's been a long time since I used this for anything but thread tracking for Darrow, so I might as well try and catch people up, or at least, take stock of my own life. It's definitely felt like I've gotten swept up in it lately.

So, let's see. I guess it was pretty apparent from my last updates that in October, Jess' mom died. It's one of those strange things where it had been coming on for months and we knew, and there's something of not waiting any more that's a little better and nothing that's better at all. It still seems surreal. The holidays have been really hard for Jess of course and I know they're only going to get harder as we get closer to Christmas and panicking over gifts. Looking back over November the whole month seems like a blur that just gets darker and colder. I've missed a lot of work due to either bereavement, or being sick, or being depressed. Enough that I literally have zero time off including their extremely generous allowance for negative time off. It feels a little bit like when I was depressed in college.

(I've also missed quite a bit of therapy due to the same things. Not the greatest. My body dysmorphia's acting up in a big way, but I'm a little ashamed to bring it up, because I had A Plan and I totally ditched the plan. Spoiler: The Plan involved working out.)

We did spend a really nice Thanksgiving with friends, so that was good. They cooked, we brought drinks, it was just good to be with people. I haven't seen my family in a long time and I'm shit at calling, so that's something I need to fix soon I think.

- Let's see. Good things. I've begun learning French! Starting in October, and it'll end in three weeks. I can't afford to continue right away after that, but I've started a French "langblr" (ugh that WORD) over here: La Fée Anglaise if anyone wants to help me speak and learn. Highly recommend Fluent City classes if you're in a city they're in.

- Despite all the work time off, I did get approved for a (very little, nothing crazy) project that I wanted to work on, so that's relieving at least; it feels like I'm wanted there despite my rough month. My managers have been nothing but understanding and my direct manager was very supportive of me taking on more responsibility as a way to ENCOURAGE me coming in. So, victory! \o/

- Jess has been dogsitting and dogwalking while between jobs (if you ever need a dogwalker, no matter where you are, DL Wag! on your respective app store and use their code: JESS7447 - it gets you $20 off even if they can't do the walk and gets us a referral bonus #transparency!) and too close to the holidays to be available to start right away. It's actually been really good for them; they get a lot of exercise and get to see puppies every day. And when doing it full time, it doesn't pay badly at all. All the dogwalkers are referred, tested on skills, insured and bonded and go through a background check - it's legit.

At their suggestion I'm thinking about doing it, not as a full or even "full part-time" job, just to be able to see puppies and make myself get out of the house.

The one Big Con: towards the holidays they're petsitting a LOT. Nat and I've just gone a week with them away (pro tip for surviving polyfidelity: like your metamour! Luckily, I <3 Nat and they seem to tolerate me somehow too). Throughout December Jess will either be away in London with Nat and theirs (+ weekend jaunts to Dublin and Barcelona bracketing - I'm a little jealous but mostly just glad they get to travel, and they'll be taking their mother's ashes to all these places she wanted to go and -- ;__;) or sleeping at another house petsitting, EVERY SINGLE DAY from December 5th to January 2nd.

So. That's going to be interesting. It's both hard for me because of course I don't sleep as well without them, but also because I'm an introvert and they're an extrovert. So when I'm sad I don't want to leave the house at all, and when they're sad they need people (which they can only do for four hours at a time, IF they don't have other dog walks). There's already been a bit of tension because J sometimes just needs me to be the one to come over to their side of town, and they're going through so much shit and this is totally fair! But I'm struggling and so I don't think of it when I'm waking up at like, two pm because I couldn't fall asleep.

The holidays have been really bad for me remembering Ritalin. Oh yeah, I got diagnosed with adult AD(H)D a while back, which explains so, so much. When I remember to take my meds, it's extraordinarily helpful. When I don't, right back to not concentrating and napping all the goddamn time. And anxiety loop. Per usual.

Christmas is going to be weird, by myself. Well, by myself with Nat, who will be back by then, and of course we'll see Jess during the day. But by myself in the sense that we can't do anything big, and I'm the only one who hasn't figured out a way to visit my family. I'm hoping to be able to do it soon somehow, and hopefully see any number of friends in the next year. I need more people I love in my life. This year has made things feel fragile.

Anyway, if you've read all this, you get a big cookie. And a big hug. How are you all doing?

I am so needlessly overwhelmed by the timeline of things happening right now. Has x person died? Who's currently possessed/killing someone/kissing someone/whatever? It's a little paralyzing because tagging into anything suggests a host of reactions that could be happening to something I'm not entirely sure of.

I feel like I need to hash out a timeline with people whose characters affect mine (right now, unfortunately, that's almost everyone) but I also feel super annoyed by myself needing that.

Ugh! Does anyone want to talk out what has and hasn't happened with Unmaker and the Purge?

[ETA: Not AS bad as I was thinking, though most of these aren't actually at rec-length, so I'm just posting a list of threads to keep myself on track.]

( thread tracker August 2017 )

Welp, I did the thing and signed up for GYWO:


[img: notebook paper with "GYWO 2017" printed in large black letters with a blue
shadow. under that, "writing decathlon" in handwritten black letters with an
orange shadow. printed at the bottom in black is "sign up dec. 14 - jan. 15"]
GetYourWordsOut: Year Nine!
Pledges & Requirements | GYWO.net

It'll be the first year I've done this, so I'm planning to baby myself by counting RPG tags (I'm truly curious as to how much I write a year), but also I'm hoping this gets me dedicated to writing something every day even if it doesn't feel great. Putting down a definite, if modest goal for reading last year REALLY got me back into reading for my own enjoyment and I think it's definitely

I've signed up for the 150k, which seems like good for a beginner who's also never completed NanoWriMo. Hopefully I'll have a job by the beginning of the year, so I'm banking on not having as much time as I do now. Maybe I'll start doing some timed writing sprints now to get used to it ;)

It's on Twitter, Tumblr, DW and LJ, so def easy to keep track of, I encourage fellow readers/writers to sign up.

In other news, I have a phone interview on Monday with a company I would not mind a bit working for! Cross your fingers for me ;)

General heads up for any interested that I've got a SOTP over at the musebox I never use :D

Hey, occasionally I remember this thing exists.

Uh. Hi?
(I won't update on everything that's going on, at this moment anyway, because life is really, really stressful at the moment. And right now I'm more interested in waving at everyone. Also because I only have about ten minutes left to lunch. So: HI HI HI.)

Ugh, I had A Day. Maybe A Month, maybe more than a month, you'd have to ask the people in my life that I'm being sad and needy at. I don't know, this is not my usual kind of crazy. I really need to go see someone about it but that's, um. Anxiety producing, lol.

The problem with the whole situation (aside from the obvious) is that I know there are some things bothering me that are legit. But it's hard to separate the overblown anxieties from the real things, and even harder to convince myself that I have the right to say something to someone, much less do it.

But, a lot of people in my life have been incredibly patient and kind and understanding. <3

But! I wrote a thing. A thing about my character Wren, who's an OC that I'm pushing into the waters over at Siren Cove, and who is/was the frontman of a kind of goth-synth-art-punky band called Enfants Sauvages. This takes place about, eh, 8ish years ago. Wren brings home a rather unusual instrument. His not-boyfriend/roommate/bandmate Rian is not thrilled about it. (There's flirting and casual talking about sex, no serious warnings I don't think.)

( What the Christ is that? )

I went to DashCon last weekend, and had a lot of fun. It was awesome to hang out with friends, I wore what ended up being great last-minute cosplay, went to an amazing concert, attended some great panels and was super impressed with my fellow con-goers (mostly). It's one of the first cons -- no, spaces in general -- where I've felt not only completely comfortable being openly bi and genderqueer and poly, but also that people understood, respected and wanted to talk about those identities in media.

My friend's band, Time Crash (|tumblr) -- who are the first American trock band! -- was playing the con, and it's actually the first time I've gotten to see them live. They are RAD and it was great. Doug Jones showed up to the concert and danced with people. They played Carry On Wayward Son for the Supernatural fans. It was good.

And, I ran into a college friend who I haven't seen in AGES <3

So yeah, a good time.

( a few photos - mostly my cosplay and Time Crash because I didn't take enough photos and some aren't uploaded yet )

It is, however, very VERY weird to be dealing with con crash while also dealing with most of the internet heavily mocking or criticizing the con you're crashing from, mostly in ways that are inaccurate, uninformed and/or just dumb. There were things that went wrong, big things, but for the most part they were not for a lack of planning or bad intention so much as a lack of cynicism and some misplaced assumptions. It seems like everyone just assumes they know what's going on while simultaneously forgetting there are real humans who put months of their lives into this and also real fans who enjoyed it.

Thus, I'm currently taking a hiatus from Tumblr to avoid at least the worst of it, but hey, maybe I'll actually post here.

Work is still worklike. Meh. "Overtime is not approved". I'm in the middle of cleaning up a giant mess of abandoned and mishandled files from a now ex-coworker and overtime is happening no matter whether it's approved or not. Which is not my first choice. Gah. It's making me want to do all the creative things, actually, which is a kind of weird place to be in with no energy.