*poof* blows the dust away this blog..been so long since I last had the feel to write something. Strangely enough, I woke up dreaming her 2 days ago. So I've decided to check out her fb to see how she has been doing since somehow I didn't hear from her despite sending her xmas card. Great to see her doing well and happy =). However, her dad does seem frail, just hope that everything is all right. Been close to two years since we broke up, and the radio just have to play "Breakeven" by The Script when I was browsing through her fb somehow reminding me of what happened then and there will always be questions that I will never ever be able to get an answer.. That life event did leave a deep scar on me but I am not complaining since this is all part and parcel of life. There are things that are just not within your control and all I can say is, you need to meet the right person at the right time before you can ultimately end up with that person for life. While I still care about her well-being, I am no longer in any capacity to even give the slightest care to her but I am glad there is another guy doing it for the past 2 years. =)
Having being single for almost 2 years, I have definitely gotten used to the freedom. In fact, as much as I want to have a partner to accompany me when I feel lonely, I have accepted it as a trade-off for the freedom I get in return till someone who is single and available appears in my life. No urgency in that as I know that with my current status, I still cannot afford to have a partner at least till I graduate and start working. Actually, after that life event, I've come to let go a lot of things that was important to me including motivation. I guess I have recently slowly re-discover some of these things and "fighting" is the word to use. But I guess someone up there must have been trying to be funny with me because my left eye has been giving me problem since October, even when I went to eye centre for checks, the doc says it's normal so I am suspecting it's my brain that has got problem and my memory has actually been failing me and my reaction slowed. I am really afraid of going for a brain MRI as it is costly and I'm totally unprepared for the worst. So I don't know when I will be dragging it till. Anyway, it's getting late and since no one will be reading this, I shall end off here. Till the next time I feel like writing again~ Happy CNY & 2014! =)
mY FlyINg WoRLd 1:06 AM
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Wednesday, April 18, 2012
5 years ago, I was here with her and we started our journey. 5 years later, I am here alone. I was looking forward to this date at the start of the year and was so happy that it falls during the reading week because it meant we could spent a full day together but it was never to be. I spent it alone. Actually, I have been reflecting on what has happened and why things turn out the way it is today. I know I haven’t been treating her the best way I could during the 4years plus together. I admit that I am not a good boyfriend and I have made many mistakes but yet each time round she forgave me and never left me. I got angry with her many times over minor issues and I’ve been wondering why is it that my temper is so bad?? Because the triggering point was also because I’d flared up over certain issues which we both probably didn’t have mutual understanding of. And even after the break up, I still got emotional over small issues.
I realized it’s not exactly because I have a bad temper (even though I am rather impatient). But rather it’s because all these while (last 2-3 years), subconsciously I felt I wasn’t good enough for her and didn't deserve her love. So in a way, I was shifting a lot of blame on her unknowingly whenever things didn’t go my way just to make myself feel more worth and good enough for her. That’s why I did mention to her before that if she manages to find a better guy, she should leave me (even though when I said this, I did not want her to leave). Looking back, I think my temper towards her got worse after I came out from army. The army experience took a hit on me rather heavily where I put in my best and yet I was not recognized accordingly. In a way, I felt like a failure at managing relationships with people. Because my peers who may not have done as much were getting the promotion and recognition due to better relationships with the superiors while I again, only worked on the areas which benefit the team but neglected on managing the feelings of others. And when she took up the President role, I felt even more inferior thus, although the main reason for me to mug was because I wanted to have a good future and provide for her, a small reason that contributed it was because I know I won’t be able to achieve the things she has achieved. So, I wanted to use my results to at least make me feel more on par with her and also assure her that she no need worry about her family’s future because I will get a good job and provide for them.
I also realized all these while I was just trying to get her attention with all the anger over stupid things. I was trying to get her to make me feel important to her but in the end, it all backfired and came back to haunt me. You can’t make someone make you feel important unless you really make yourself important to that person which was what I didn’t do. I left her alone for pretty much most of the time and when she probably needed me the most, I wasn’t there for her and worse still, when she tells me about her troubles, I only tell her what to do when all she needed was a listening ear.
Don’t worry, I am not being harsh on myself. This is my thoughts as I type this in a place that has changed since 5 years ago. Things have changed, feelings do change but the things I did caused the change and speed up the change. Actually, for the longest period, I’ve been feeling rather hollow until she came into my life and fill up the hole. Because I don’t usually open to people, I do not have that many close friends but she was the only one who managed to make me so comfortable when I am with her.
Now that she has moved on with life, I do feel happy for her because she wasn’t happy with me especially in the period leading to the breakup where I tried to enforce on her things like sleeping early and drinking water. I wanted her to take better care of herself but I compromised on the respect and trust that she needed and wanted that she could take care of herself. Also, because of my bluntness and directness, I have said many hurtful things to her, to the extent that I probably killed all the feelings for me in her. But many times, the things I said were really out of anger and do not represent what I truly want to convey as I tend to exaggerate things. I need to change else I will continue to hurt more people. And as I write finish this part, I just hurt my bf’s feelings by sending a “you suck” to her even though I meant it as a joke, she was kinda offended. It just goes to show how insensitive I am to people who are close to me.
Yes, it takes 2 hands to clap, so certainly both parties were wrong at some point in time. I just feel that if only I had practiced what I believe in – communication, things could have been very different. No, I am not living in the past, I am just going through the lessons I’ve learnt thus far. I’ve always been very vocal in voicing out what I want but I’ve failed to get her to voice out what she wants, hence, I began to assume things more and more. From assume, it became accuse.
I finally realized why is it that even though I did not mean to parent her, she felt it that way because of my approach. My approach of being very directive and assuming probably made her feel like I was just trying to control her. I was trying to make myself feel that I could do something for her, because she is the President of her CCA and as her boyfriend, I couldn’t do much to help her. Hence, I was trying to make myself feel like I could take care of her in these small little areas. But apparently, going into such details and be so critical about it can be very annoying overtime.
The stupidest mistake that some guys make is that when girls tell you about their problems, sometimes they don’t need your advice, they just need you to listen. But as a more forward thinking and dense guy, I tend to alert the person especially when I spot potential danger, even more so if I truly care for the person because I would want to protect the person. But, being over-protective will counteract any good intentions. I am usually pretty sensitive to people whom I am not close to but when it comes to people closer, I tend to be insensitive which I also don’t know why and I would want to change that as well.
Moving on, with the problems that we had, zw entered the picture. I won’t bad-mouth him because I don’t really blame him for what has happened even though he probably played a part somehow. I don’t really know him as a person, but from the things he has done or has been doing, he is probably a pretty strategic person. He claims that he do not know that she was attached when he fell for her, but in today’s fb age, it’s pretty impossible not to know someone is attached if you like the person right? You probably would have went through some of her facebook albums/photos etc. since you are interested in the person. Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. =)
She did tell me after the break up that she might want to accept other guys who are good to her as well, and I know there and then that she was referring to zw.
There is no point in keeping her by my side if it brings her nothing but agony. Anyway, I’m just going to stick by: If it’s meant to be, it will be.
mY FlyINg WoRLd 2:07 AM
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Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Feelings do change and it is never easy to maintain a relationship because after awhile, you will run out of places to go to etc. Furthermore, it will take both parties to put in effort to maintain it. But question is, why is it that when feelings are changing, things were not being discussed and let it go uncovered before it resurfaces at one go when the feelings have totally being drained? *hm*
That's why communication is key to a relationship and when there are things that you start not to share with your partner, it signals that something is not right about the relationship.
When I was a kid, I would also want to go to my mum rather than my dad because my dad will only scold/cane me if things went wrong. So this mentality is in-built in everyone that we only like the person who is nice to us. But as I grew older, through my secondary school years especially, I begin to realise why my dad is like that and I begin to love him more even though I still dislike his scoldings but I understood where he was coming from. Same goes for a relationship, sometimes you want the best for your partner but the partner may not feel like you are the best for them, being over-protective which led to a lot of conflicts and temper on my part killed the love in my previous relationship. Lesson learnt.
mY FlyINg WoRLd 8:21 AM
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Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Actually, I don't know how to start this post. I am not mad/angry, I am pretty at ease and peaceful. I understand that she's probably treating me rather coldly to prevent giving me false hope so that I will give up. Yeah, this is the way to draw the line - cold + rejection + not fearing of hurting the person's feelings. The justification of not wanting to hurt zw's feelings when we were together doesn't say much about drawing any line. Furthermore, by allowing him to relentlessly pursue and allowing him to justify his pursuit as "fighting for what he really wants" isn't drawing any clear line at all. And as expected, eventually the feelings develop. It was pretty clear to me actually just that I chose to believe her words then. Because if you do not want to give someone the wrong idea, you wouldn't allow the person to do things that will lead him/her on. To be honest, I don't blame her for anything despite the pain. I believe it was something fundamental (communication) that snowballed into what it is today. In any case, it doesn't matter anymore.
I saw them going back home together today. I must admit, I've never sent her home from school the last semester because I just went home to mug after school. I was really focused last semester despite the feeling of not wanting to study because like I mentioned in my earlier posts, I want to grad with a good degree and provide for her in the future. The only thing I did last semester was to nag at her for not sleeping/drinking/eating, I knew that even though she says she knows it's for her own good, one day she will be tired of it. But I was just hoping that she could lead a healthier lifestyle before she gets tired of my nagging. Apparently, I failed. Not being hard on myself here, just stating facts.
I was looking forward to her convocation this year at the start of the year because I felt happy for her that she don't need to study anymore, something which she does not have much passion about. But now, it doesn't matter much anymore. Anyway, seeing them go home together, I'd be lying if I say I don't feel any pain. But I know there's nothing much I can do. She told me before that I am one of the reasons why she isn't getting together with him yet, but since she is already so determined to make me give up, there is no reason for her to use me as a reason not to be with him anymore. I also do not want to be once again the one that is stopping her from doing things she likes. I am moving on well given that I didn't do what zw did by following and running to the train station to say 'hi'. *lolz* jk..I am moving on well because I've accepted it already, if they get together, I will have to face them appearing in front of me anyway provided she still regard me as a friend la else why will she even meet me? *lolz*
I don't know how long she going to give me the cold turkey treatment. All I know is, it's just adding on to awkwardness and makes me feel v trying even talking as a friend capacity. It's just unnatural and I just felt like there's really no need to do until like that. But since she's comfortable doing it and this is the distance that she wanna keep from me, then I can only accept it. She says she don't know how to face the current me, but I also increasingly don't know how to face her because everything is getting awkward and unnatural. If she going to do this till I've no more feelings for her then that will be like don't know when. *lolz* But I can understand that she's doing it to kill off any hopes of patching back. Actually to me, I no longer think of patching back. IF ever, I am saying IF we are together again, it will not be a patch back. It will be a fresh new beginning for 2 new people but of course this IF has almost 0% chance of occurring hence, I no longer think of patching back already. But then again, what holds in the future no one knows, so just let nature takes its course =)). No point forcing, love is like fart, if you force it, the only thing that will come out is probably shit.
Right now, it seems to me that she is happy with zw sticking around her, showering her the attention which I deprived her of, offering her his different viewpoints, supporting her in almost everything she does and letting her be herself. Thus, so long as she is happy jiu hao. Not that I don't want to fight for what I want, but at this point, the commander wants me to give up altogether. 君要臣死，臣不得不死. *lolz*
Anyway, I wanna thank huiching here even though she won't see it. She's really nice to send me a card to support me. She says she's never seen me so emo before despite knowing me for a decade. *lolz* true and untrue, I've been emo before but never for such an extended period. But thanks HC, it was really thoughtful =) May you have a blessed wedding! I am much better already. =)
mY FlyINg WoRLd 10:42 PM
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Saturday, April 07, 2012
It's the 70th day. xin xue lai chao so decided to blog again. Not exactly emo-ing but just got some thoughts to spill. I still miss her a lot and despite my best efforts, I will still think of her. I really don't know if I should send her a message of concern at times because I don't know if she will take it well. It's just like the kylo cho's photo which I shared, wanting to talk to her but feeling like I annoy her.
Just like a few nights ago, I'd wanted to message her to ask her to gai bei because it started pouring, but I was thinking if that will make her feel like I am telling her what to do. I think she has moved on pretty well which is good for her because I am glad at least she is happy now, with her life, studies and zw. I am soldiering on also, some people say that moving on = letting go = no more feelings for her. But if that's the case, I don't know when I can fully move on. So my definition of moving on is probably just let nature takes its course ba, if it's meant to be, it will be.
mY FlyINg WoRLd 1:37 AM
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Friday, April 06, 2012
Just wanted to say something strange..actually when I went to geog dept there this afternoon, somehow I could feel that she was nearby to collect her paper. And her msg came awhile later telling me her grade which was better than mine =)) Not sure if it's just coincidence or wat..but sense how to coincidence?hm..lolz..anw, still pretty cool..if it's true, then my 6th sense is really scary =x coz not like I feel this everytime..lolz..
mY FlyINg WoRLd 3:01 AM
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Thursday, March 29, 2012
Day 61. I'm blogging not becoz I am emoing but just felt like it. Standing up after a fall is never easy. Perhaps, this could be my last post. Anyway, I still miss her a lot, and I asked myself if I still love her even though she has feelings for the other guy already, my answer remained unchanged. But knowing this answer doesn't mean I am clinging to her, it just means I did truly fell in love with her and still love her.
My bf Jaslyn asked me a strange question yesterday, she asked "who will you take a bullet for?", in other words, "who are you willing to give up your life for?" Family members aside, I told her the answer is pretty obvious becoz I can totally imagine myself jumping in front of the person to take anything bad for her. And around her, even though I feel comfortable, I am always very aware of the surroundings in a way such that should any harm comes her way (touchwood), I would be able to protect her. But all these 'actions' occur in this place called the brain and is not shown so no one knew except for me. I did not let her know either becoz I was afraid she will feel pressurised when with me, and that's just the way I protect her even though SG is pretty safe. And it does sound a bit extreme/creepy isn't it if I were to say it? And sceptics/critics are probably going to say I'm bullshitting. My conscience is clear regardless.
Anyway, I've been blogging about my relationship issues..after all this while, I've reviewed myself and..
I must say I am the kind of guy who doesn't really say out my plans because I would usually like to have everything in place before announcing. And Jaslyn did say I am not a romantic guy, so with all these, it confirms that I am a boring guy. In fact, I've felt that way since ages ago. A guy who plans ahead and not spontaneous is definitely not going to be as exciting. So yup, this sums up me in a very brief manner. At this moment, I do not feel like revealing more..perhaps, the next time I feel like blogging again, I might reveal more.
