Ok, well soz bout not writing for quite a long time...
Umm, I decided to post again cos i think that it important for me to carry on with my life. Over the time that i haven't been posting, ive realised that my problems run deeper than i thought. And its not just the uncertainty about my sexuality.. its pretty much everything.
Uhh, where do i start? How bout home? Shouldnt home be the one place where you can feel safe, where you can feel that theres someone there for you? Well, with me its not =/ Now, i know i would be silly to say that i have a bad family - were fairly rich, go to good school, eventually get pretty much what i want... but you see, whats missing is happiness. Cos for fuks sake what does it mean to have an ipod or a psp if they dont make you happy? And what does it mean to have parents if they dont undrstand you and follow set guideline sthat they think are right?
You see, my parents are obsessed with my safety. Literally. Or maybe thats just an excuse to say no to anything thats more dangerous than a pencil. Where do i begin? Umm how about the fact that i couldnt play 16+ videogames until i was 16? Ok, no big deal you say. FAir enuf. But its like that with everything. Everything that i want to get is just another excuse to piss me off. Want an ipod - lets make a big fuss out of it (ie. sumfing like, we have it, we were meant to give it to you, but ur behaviour is bad, so we wont give it to you,well have to give it back - they ended up gigving it to me in the end). And its like this with everything. Literally. And even when i have the money raised to get something, theyll make it very clear just how meaningless and pointless they regard that item i want to be. Those wrahammer figures would be one example lol. Its funny really. I had to beg them to go to a shop that sells em, only for my dad to keep on giving me dirty looks when i was choosing, and he kept on glancing at his watch saying how late it was. But you know what? I had fun when i painted and glued them little fucking things together - for a while. Cos then i accidentaly got some paint on my desk and they went all mental and locked all my warhammer stuff away for 6 months, after which i couldnt be bothered to take up that hobby again. Its so fucking furstrating. Living within a nice house, but not being able to do anything. You see, if they let me get something, its usually so that they can take it away as a punishment for something, or use it as a blackmail - you behave bad we take it away. You might think this is minor, but combined with someone whos going thru a hard time mentally u get a problem. And then even when im allowed to use stuff, theres more rules. Only 2 hours of xbox per day. Omg cmon! I mean i barely even play during weekdays, and they wont even let me play longer during weekends - cos somewhere they read that 14hrs+ gaming a week is an addiciton. Only das if i played 2hrs every day, which i dont. Geez its so boring i swear. Oh, and did i mention that gaming time includes web browisng too? Its insane.
I could go on about this forever - theres so many examples. The most recent one, would be them threating me to give back my pet if i didnt stop listening to my ipod in a museum. Why? Cos its rude to have headphones on in a museum - even tho every fucking person had em on cos of that audio guide thingy. Just imagine that, ha. Knowing that theres really no point getting anything other than clothes cos it'll simply get taken away. Not that im allowed to wear my clothes wenever i want - apparently most of em are unsuitable - OFC theyre not, if they cared to look at teengares today - wearing your jeans slightly lower than your belly button IS normal.
And its so sad, living in this sad, sad bubble of pretence. Cos they wnat me to be someone im not - a well mannered, lovely child who does watever they want. Well perhaps i coudl do the obediant bit if they ever cared for what i wanted. Cos u see, its gotten to a point wer im not allowed to go to parties unless they have the phone number of the PARENTS whose house it is, and the adress, so that they can make sure its alright with them. But thing is, houseparties are almost enver ran in the presence of parents, and even if, im in no position to ask my m8s to get the phone number of someonee's parents if i dont even know them. Which has led to a ridiculous thing where ive had to turn down quite a few invites, without telling the rtuth, and now i never get invited (cos everyon knows ill have some excuse lol). So im now this sad, sad person who sits at home during weekends and has nothing to do. Oh except 2hrs of xbox lmao.
But thats not the funniest yet. The funniest is probably my [arents making all sorts of remakrs about me not having a girlfirend. Ahaha. How ironic. Theyre like 'u go to an allboys skool, how are u gonna meet girls' loool. Well maybe, just maybe, if they had any brains theyd know that if i cud go to a party i cold meet some there. Now before you ask, i do know girls. Its just that its only ones that i meet during the summer, and even then my rnets dont know about them lol. Cos i know what theyre like and how akward it would be to invite any of em home. Haha, i remembr last summer when my mum learned from this teacher that ran a summer camp from school that i had a gf, and my mum was like ' y didnt u tell me?'. Cos u wudnt care, and maybe u dont desrve to know - was the real answer. But i didnt say it. I sed sumfing like cos u dont have the rite attitude to my firends. And she went all ballistic lol. But uh anyways, the gf ended up to be a bitch lol for reasons which i care not to explain, so we split up afte rlike 3 weeks lmao - nothing beats a summer love. =]
And its been same this year - ive met lots of ppl who im hopefully gonna meet up wiv soon - but my rents dont hav a clue about any of em - they dont even care - they just know ill b meeting soem freidns from the summer - all during borad daylight hours, for safety reasons of course lol.
So uhh, me and my parents rarely talk about any part of my life really. Just the hows school - good exchange daily is pretty much it. And they fink im doing it on purpose, avoiding conversation - but what is there to tell? How was school then? It was great, a mate invited me to a party but i had to say im busy cos i knew i wudnt be able to come, i was feeling lonely like fuck, and oh im suicidal. How was your day then?...
And wehereas i had a decent enough socail life in school, its now detreiorate greatly. People i got along wiv now kinda drifted away, so im elft with only a few close ones, and a few who hate my guts as well :S Just great. How am i different from them? i mean i just cant see it. i really cant. What makes me so horrible that they dont like me (no one knows bout my problmes). Cos during the summer, when i get a fresh start, people love me, they really do - which makes it all the worse. I love summertime cos i can be normal then - and hear peopel speak what they really think you know - like this summer we had a few boys in our room nd then everyones like whos the fittest there (in terms of girls liking us ;) ) and most people said me and this toher guy. Dont get me wrong im not bragging, im saying that i guess if i wanted i could get a gf.
Which brings me onto this... Is it deeply down my parents' fault for me being who i am? Is it beacuse the home they provide is a shit one, one where ive got no one to realte to? Or is it cos they make geting a socail life so difficult? Or maybe its that they dont give a shit about me, they just want me to be perfect?
God, if only you knew how lonely i feel right now... help?
Sunday, 5 October 2008
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Sunday, 21 September 2008
Wtf?
Zomg im still in a cba mood and its driving me nuts :S I literally cant be asked to do anything... Nothing seems enjoyable anymore... Wtf is going on? I think tis depression period again... Ive got tons of hw to do and yet i just dont feel like doing it, screw hw ill do it at school... Ive just been surfing the net for hours for no reason at all, going to google news, ign etc zomg im so bored... Played some cod4 but got bored of that too :s started realising that ive got nowhere enough money for a car or moped and that theres no way i can get it :s
Its really weird, its as if im not really in myb ody anymore, i just walk, eat etc, without thinking about what im doing - its scary. Tried sleeping but didnt work, so now ive just been listening to my ipod and drumming with my feet as loud as i could which pissed my parents of lol. As if i care =D My best m8 never come onto msn so i dunno if somethigs wrong or wat (he changed his phone no :S )... Ayayaya im screwed, i really dont wanna go to skool 2moz cos i know i wont be able to focus on anything... Someone help!
Its really weird, its as if im not really in myb ody anymore, i just walk, eat etc, without thinking about what im doing - its scary. Tried sleeping but didnt work, so now ive just been listening to my ipod and drumming with my feet as loud as i could which pissed my parents of lol. As if i care =D My best m8 never come onto msn so i dunno if somethigs wrong or wat (he changed his phone no :S )... Ayayaya im screwed, i really dont wanna go to skool 2moz cos i know i wont be able to focus on anything... Someone help!
This year im looking forward too
Lol i thought this would be cool. At the end of the year ill go back to this list and see how many things ive been able to do =D
-get either rock band/guitar hero world tour xD
-get a new phone
-get a car/moped. Oh and a driving license too.
-learn some neat card tricks
-get better at picking locks
-get lvl 55 in cod4
-find someone to love meh
-get in touch with old friends
-survive one of my best mates moving to a different country :S
-design my own clothing line (my secret dream)
-do someothing with my hair lol
-figure out how to use adsense on my blog :X keep on getting error with my email dress meh. Anyone got any dieas?
-learn how to play guitar
-get into the fottball team at school :/
-sort my life out
Hehe there u have it lol ill add on to this when i think of someting ^^
-get either rock band/guitar hero world tour xD
-get a new phone
-get a car/moped. Oh and a driving license too.
-learn some neat card tricks
-get better at picking locks
-get lvl 55 in cod4
-find someone to love meh
-get in touch with old friends
-survive one of my best mates moving to a different country :S
-design my own clothing line (my secret dream)
-do someothing with my hair lol
-figure out how to use adsense on my blog :X keep on getting error with my email dress meh. Anyone got any dieas?
-learn how to play guitar
-get into the fottball team at school :/
-sort my life out
Hehe there u have it lol ill add on to this when i think of someting ^^
My thoughts about myeslf, and about what were all missing.
When i woke up today, i started thinking about myelf and stuff. And then this thought crossed my mind - how do i know that im actually gay/bi? And after quite some time i realised that this question is quite a problem.
First i considered the varaint that im not gay/bi. Ok, so why would i be having some of the thoughts that im having? Then i realised it could be a) because of the type of pron tht ive been watching and b) because of my closest enviroment (an all boys school) and c)because of lonelyness
So to make things simple, i start watching gay porn, then i get moved into an enviroment that is closely connected with that type of porn and so i feel weird and lonely not wanting what i shud do.
Then i though what if im actually gay. BUt how can i know? I havent been in a relationship with a guy (at least he wasnt aware of it), and ive never kissed a guy etc. So what makes me think im gay? Surely, if i go and start kissing guys and getting involved just to find out, my mind will end up accepting that as normal (like what happened with the porn). I read somewhere that the worst thing you can do if ure unsure about ure sexuality is to get involved with some1 of the same sex.
Which made me consider my options.
a) I could continue telling myself im gay/bi , and end up in a relationship that i wasnt fully approving of, and actually end up being gay
b)continue living my double life, remaining 'hidden' and thus not allowing myself to get involved with either boys or girls, leaving me even more lonely.
c)Drop the gay/bi mindset and just find someone i can really relate to, and yes im thinking of a girl.
Why? because maybe im not bi/gay - maybe im just a very lonely person, who needs someone next to him.
Then i also considered how easy/difficult it would be to do each of the above, and how the easyness/difficulty of it would affect my life.
a) Finding a boy that i would really find attractive and whod be gay also would be extremely hard. If i tried the easy option and just went for anyone, it would be a relationship for the sake of it, which would be pointless. Theres also no guarantee that i wouldnt get involved with some fuck-up who'd just want to use me.
b)Being secretive is hard too - i know cos ive been doing it for quite a while now. Not only is it hard, it also makes me feel like shit sometimes and has left me seriously considering suicide several times.
c)Fidning a girl thats also looking for a long-time relationship will be hard but: it would help me sort myself out, would give me a kind of moral support and let me forget. It would be very unlikely that a girl would try to use me lol.
Ok so as uve probably noticed im going for option c). Why? Because im not sure what i really am, but if i made the mistake of trying to find out in a practical way (and probably the only one available, actually) i would have to stick to that choice, whether i liked it or not.
What this thinking has made me realise is that the real problem in our society might not actually be the lack of acceptance for gay/bi/different people. No, not at all. What i think is the issue is the modern mindset. What were all lacking is love. Hes gone nuts, i can hear you say. Well think about it.
I think that the lack of people actually wanting love is the main problem were facing. It is so often the case that all teenagers seek these days is to have sex or to get off with someone. And no im not saying i havent done it, or that i think its bad. What im saying is that perhaps somewhere along the line weve lost the knowledge of what we actually need.
Im mean sure, yeah getting laid is nice, as is snogging etc. BUt that only satisfies the physical side of us, and our lust, a primary and almost animal-like instinct. From my own experience i know that when i was youger, sex was the only think i coulve wanted. I thought that when the time would come, id do it no matter what. But you know what? When the time came, i was scared, literally scared not knowing what to do. In the end i decided not to have full intercourse, simply because i knew that i wouldve felt bad about it/ i wasnt ready. And even aftre snogging/getting a hj/bj i felt a bit bad. I mean, yeah sure it was nice, but something was missing. That somethng was love. You see, thats because my relationship with that girl was not based on love - it was ll pretence.
Oh and btw i might have shocked you by saying it was a girl.. Sowwy didnt mean to. BUt truth be told, its not like i find girls unatractive. And yes, i do like em, which only made my problemns worse lol.
Anyways, back to the subject. Nowadays, modern teenagers are so used to basing realtionships on sex/lust that they accept it as normal. To be completely honest i think that wrong. I thought that sex should be a follow on of love and not vice versa. Because of this mindest, teenagers are only looking for sex. Thats why its so hard to get into a proper longer realtionship, and thats why we feel so lonely sometimes. Its because theres no-one out there whos looking for the same thing as i am. When i do get in a relationship i can say that i wont be in it for sex. I need someone to talk to, someone whod share my interests, someone whod care. Not someone who wants to be with me only cos im fit, or because my clothes are nice. Someone wholl actually love me because of who i am, nto because of what i represent.
Anyways, this is no way finished - i ve still got lots to think about, and ill keep posting so dw. Ive only touched upon the idea of the lack of love - i think that by fully exploring that i might be able to find out more about who i am and what i need. And sorry to dissapoint all o those who were hoping for an easy bang :X
First i considered the varaint that im not gay/bi. Ok, so why would i be having some of the thoughts that im having? Then i realised it could be a) because of the type of pron tht ive been watching and b) because of my closest enviroment (an all boys school) and c)because of lonelyness
So to make things simple, i start watching gay porn, then i get moved into an enviroment that is closely connected with that type of porn and so i feel weird and lonely not wanting what i shud do.
Then i though what if im actually gay. BUt how can i know? I havent been in a relationship with a guy (at least he wasnt aware of it), and ive never kissed a guy etc. So what makes me think im gay? Surely, if i go and start kissing guys and getting involved just to find out, my mind will end up accepting that as normal (like what happened with the porn). I read somewhere that the worst thing you can do if ure unsure about ure sexuality is to get involved with some1 of the same sex.
Which made me consider my options.
a) I could continue telling myself im gay/bi , and end up in a relationship that i wasnt fully approving of, and actually end up being gay
b)continue living my double life, remaining 'hidden' and thus not allowing myself to get involved with either boys or girls, leaving me even more lonely.
c)Drop the gay/bi mindset and just find someone i can really relate to, and yes im thinking of a girl.
Why? because maybe im not bi/gay - maybe im just a very lonely person, who needs someone next to him.
Then i also considered how easy/difficult it would be to do each of the above, and how the easyness/difficulty of it would affect my life.
a) Finding a boy that i would really find attractive and whod be gay also would be extremely hard. If i tried the easy option and just went for anyone, it would be a relationship for the sake of it, which would be pointless. Theres also no guarantee that i wouldnt get involved with some fuck-up who'd just want to use me.
b)Being secretive is hard too - i know cos ive been doing it for quite a while now. Not only is it hard, it also makes me feel like shit sometimes and has left me seriously considering suicide several times.
c)Fidning a girl thats also looking for a long-time relationship will be hard but: it would help me sort myself out, would give me a kind of moral support and let me forget. It would be very unlikely that a girl would try to use me lol.
Ok so as uve probably noticed im going for option c). Why? Because im not sure what i really am, but if i made the mistake of trying to find out in a practical way (and probably the only one available, actually) i would have to stick to that choice, whether i liked it or not.
What this thinking has made me realise is that the real problem in our society might not actually be the lack of acceptance for gay/bi/different people. No, not at all. What i think is the issue is the modern mindset. What were all lacking is love. Hes gone nuts, i can hear you say. Well think about it.
I think that the lack of people actually wanting love is the main problem were facing. It is so often the case that all teenagers seek these days is to have sex or to get off with someone. And no im not saying i havent done it, or that i think its bad. What im saying is that perhaps somewhere along the line weve lost the knowledge of what we actually need.
Im mean sure, yeah getting laid is nice, as is snogging etc. BUt that only satisfies the physical side of us, and our lust, a primary and almost animal-like instinct. From my own experience i know that when i was youger, sex was the only think i coulve wanted. I thought that when the time would come, id do it no matter what. But you know what? When the time came, i was scared, literally scared not knowing what to do. In the end i decided not to have full intercourse, simply because i knew that i wouldve felt bad about it/ i wasnt ready. And even aftre snogging/getting a hj/bj i felt a bit bad. I mean, yeah sure it was nice, but something was missing. That somethng was love. You see, thats because my relationship with that girl was not based on love - it was ll pretence.
Oh and btw i might have shocked you by saying it was a girl.. Sowwy didnt mean to. BUt truth be told, its not like i find girls unatractive. And yes, i do like em, which only made my problemns worse lol.
Anyways, back to the subject. Nowadays, modern teenagers are so used to basing realtionships on sex/lust that they accept it as normal. To be completely honest i think that wrong. I thought that sex should be a follow on of love and not vice versa. Because of this mindest, teenagers are only looking for sex. Thats why its so hard to get into a proper longer realtionship, and thats why we feel so lonely sometimes. Its because theres no-one out there whos looking for the same thing as i am. When i do get in a relationship i can say that i wont be in it for sex. I need someone to talk to, someone whod share my interests, someone whod care. Not someone who wants to be with me only cos im fit, or because my clothes are nice. Someone wholl actually love me because of who i am, nto because of what i represent.
Anyways, this is no way finished - i ve still got lots to think about, and ill keep posting so dw. Ive only touched upon the idea of the lack of love - i think that by fully exploring that i might be able to find out more about who i am and what i need. And sorry to dissapoint all o those who were hoping for an easy bang :X
Saturday, 20 September 2008
Wtf is goin on?
Meh ill keep this brief. But anyways, yesterday the wierdest thing happened =X i was at home and i didnt feel like doing anything :S I tried everything: music, xbox, internet etc - but i found that everything was boring. Its not the first time dat i dnt feel like doing anything but dats been the most severe case yet. Wtf is going on?
Friday, 19 September 2008
Made me sad =[
Anyways i thought that i mite share this with you. Well today i saw a film about Martin Luther. If you didn't know, he was a monk/lawyer who challenged the catholic churche's viewpoints (mainly regarding them being greedy). Anyways, long story short, near the beginning of the film, Luther fails at performing a mass, and he is really sad after it. His fellow monk/priest asks him 'Martin, what is it that you seek?'. He replies 'I seek a merciful God, a God who loves me'. His preist freind walks away and Martin mutters 'I am yours, save me'.
When i saw this I was very close to crying. Of course, Luther was talking about something else, but the similarity is striking. A while back, after getting confirmed (which I didnt wanna do anyway) I decided that I didn't want to go to church anymore. Seeing as my family takes all matters of religion seriously, it wasn't easy, and they still don't like the idea.
Since its been over a year since my decision, Ive had loads of time to think about God, and whether he exists, and if he does in what form. You see, you can say im foolish for dropping out, but just hear me out. I think that if God does exist, he wouldn't be in the form that most religions portray him. I believe he would not come down to earth in any form. I think hed be shapeless, and you wouldnt be able to see him - you could only feel his presence. I guess the closest to this is buddhism.
But as you may have worked out at the moment i don't believe. Why? Well firstly, i believe that if there was a god, he either
-teach that love is right in whatever form, be it hetero or homosexual
-if homosexual love was wrong he wouldn't allow people to be born as homosexuals or turn into them
See my problem is he doesnt do either. Apparently, love is the most important thing in christianity. Well it would appear that theres quite a few 'buts' attached. No sex before marriage (oops), no contraception, no co-habitation, no being gay/lesbian. See what the hell does being bi/gay/str8 have anything to do with God loving me or not? Isnt god meant to be fair and not to discriminate? Well then surely the rules that the modermn church puts out go against this? Personally, I wouldnt mind believing in God.
See at first, I just thought that God was alright, it was the church that added all the rules and said what theyve said. But then it hit me. So why would he allow me to be who I am? And this is not only a problem regarding homosexuality - its the reason why many are agnostic/atheist. The idea is that God is (apparently) omnisicent (all-knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and omnibenevolent (all loving). However, why do natural disasters occur, and why does god let them happen? Hes either doesnt know about it, has no power to prevent it, or he doesnt love us enough to care. Nice choice, huh?
Another thing is that hes let me down so many times. When i was down and i still believed, i prayed for things to get vetter, and yet nothing happened. Was god there for me when i was suicidal? no my closest mate was (but he doesnt live in the uk). Did god ever try to help me out when i was in trouble, when the amount of problems i had was to much to handle? Don't think so.
Its hard to write like this/about stuff like this. If this were just a diary kept every day, it would be easy. But writing about your own beliefs and giving reasons for your thinking is a bit different. it means that there isn't really an oraganised structure to it. So basically, youll find me referring to my beliefs about god thorughout this blog. I can't simply gather all my thoughts at once and organise em as i want =/ Soz in advance =]
So what do I believe in? I belive that there is no God. That we are here by pure chance. That evolution (survival of the fittest) has led to us, humans being on top. Religion is merely an attempt to block the reality of us being alone out of our heads. It is also a great way for certain people to abuse power and to set out moral codes for society based on their own beliefs under the label of god.
I believe that what we physically do depends entirely on us. However, our mind is already pre-set before birth (not by god by the mix and match of DNA). Therefore, although we can do whatever we want in a physical sense, it is our pre set morality that determines which of these actions were most likely to undertake. Think of our ability to do anything as of a full circle, 360 degrees. Our pre-set mind limits ths area of the cirlce that well use to about half, 180 degrees. When we grow up, the influence of our society (ie parents, religion, nearest friends) further reduces this cirle to 90 degrees. I believe thats why some people are bron gay and some arent. If, for example, youre born with 90 degress of the 180 degrees being gay related, than theres a 1/2 chance of you being gay from birth. So if your early life experience reduces the 180 to the 90 which codes for being gay then there you have it . If on the other hand you have 45 out of 180 degrees of being gay you might be gay as youre growing up if society reduces the 180 degress to the 90 containing the 45 degrees of homosexuality.
I know that this is kinda hard to understand, but draw it out and ull (hopefully) get it. Thats it for now.
When i saw this I was very close to crying. Of course, Luther was talking about something else, but the similarity is striking. A while back, after getting confirmed (which I didnt wanna do anyway) I decided that I didn't want to go to church anymore. Seeing as my family takes all matters of religion seriously, it wasn't easy, and they still don't like the idea.
Since its been over a year since my decision, Ive had loads of time to think about God, and whether he exists, and if he does in what form. You see, you can say im foolish for dropping out, but just hear me out. I think that if God does exist, he wouldn't be in the form that most religions portray him. I believe he would not come down to earth in any form. I think hed be shapeless, and you wouldnt be able to see him - you could only feel his presence. I guess the closest to this is buddhism.
But as you may have worked out at the moment i don't believe. Why? Well firstly, i believe that if there was a god, he either
-teach that love is right in whatever form, be it hetero or homosexual
-if homosexual love was wrong he wouldn't allow people to be born as homosexuals or turn into them
See my problem is he doesnt do either. Apparently, love is the most important thing in christianity. Well it would appear that theres quite a few 'buts' attached. No sex before marriage (oops), no contraception, no co-habitation, no being gay/lesbian. See what the hell does being bi/gay/str8 have anything to do with God loving me or not? Isnt god meant to be fair and not to discriminate? Well then surely the rules that the modermn church puts out go against this? Personally, I wouldnt mind believing in God.
See at first, I just thought that God was alright, it was the church that added all the rules and said what theyve said. But then it hit me. So why would he allow me to be who I am? And this is not only a problem regarding homosexuality - its the reason why many are agnostic/atheist. The idea is that God is (apparently) omnisicent (all-knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and omnibenevolent (all loving). However, why do natural disasters occur, and why does god let them happen? Hes either doesnt know about it, has no power to prevent it, or he doesnt love us enough to care. Nice choice, huh?
Another thing is that hes let me down so many times. When i was down and i still believed, i prayed for things to get vetter, and yet nothing happened. Was god there for me when i was suicidal? no my closest mate was (but he doesnt live in the uk). Did god ever try to help me out when i was in trouble, when the amount of problems i had was to much to handle? Don't think so.
Its hard to write like this/about stuff like this. If this were just a diary kept every day, it would be easy. But writing about your own beliefs and giving reasons for your thinking is a bit different. it means that there isn't really an oraganised structure to it. So basically, youll find me referring to my beliefs about god thorughout this blog. I can't simply gather all my thoughts at once and organise em as i want =/ Soz in advance =]
So what do I believe in? I belive that there is no God. That we are here by pure chance. That evolution (survival of the fittest) has led to us, humans being on top. Religion is merely an attempt to block the reality of us being alone out of our heads. It is also a great way for certain people to abuse power and to set out moral codes for society based on their own beliefs under the label of god.
I believe that what we physically do depends entirely on us. However, our mind is already pre-set before birth (not by god by the mix and match of DNA). Therefore, although we can do whatever we want in a physical sense, it is our pre set morality that determines which of these actions were most likely to undertake. Think of our ability to do anything as of a full circle, 360 degrees. Our pre-set mind limits ths area of the cirlce that well use to about half, 180 degrees. When we grow up, the influence of our society (ie parents, religion, nearest friends) further reduces this cirle to 90 degrees. I believe thats why some people are bron gay and some arent. If, for example, youre born with 90 degress of the 180 degrees being gay related, than theres a 1/2 chance of you being gay from birth. So if your early life experience reduces the 180 to the 90 which codes for being gay then there you have it . If on the other hand you have 45 out of 180 degrees of being gay you might be gay as youre growing up if society reduces the 180 degress to the 90 containing the 45 degrees of homosexuality.
I know that this is kinda hard to understand, but draw it out and ull (hopefully) get it. Thats it for now.
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