Musings From The Second Half of Life

This year has brought enormous change to my life. Doesn’t every year?  I am a list maker and tend to operate each day from lists.  It is okay if I don’t finish my list, but it keeps me organized and on task.  I guess I am a person who likes to have goals that are clearly defined.  My inner peace comes in part from knowing what direction I am headed in reaching my goals.  I think we all subconsciously in some ways operate from a goal oriented approach to life whether we realize it or not.  The older I get the more I can see at various times that where I ended up years down the road was due in part to the baby steps I took on one day while I wasn’t really thinking through my actions.  Tiny steps on a thoughtless day here and there impacted my life long term.  We’ve all done it.  Honey, we can do “it” unprotected this one time.  We named that one Julia.  It was a good misstep, but not an objective at the time.  Some decisions/goals like that are a blessing.  We all need some of those.  Others, like hearing “I want a divorce” two days before classes begin can send educational goals into the sewer forever.  It’s just part of life.  Every detail can’t be planned and controlled.  That is a good thing.  Hold living loosely with a firm grip.   Sounds like a Chineses proverb.  It is not. It is all mine….and I am not Chinese….although I do like Chinese food…not cats…I don’t eat cat!  I sound like a search engine.

We operate out of our perceptions of life.  It has been said “we are the sum total of our experiences.”  Who said that?  I perceive that as a correct statement. Nigeria brought that home to me this year.  I thought I knew what to expect when I went to Nigeria.  The people, the culture, the living conditions have been documented. In fact, there were no surprises at all from a cultural standpoint.  What I didn’t expect was to see the sheer determination to survive that is there.  Everything that is done throughout the day is about survival.  It really isn’t about whether or not something is accomplished that is going to outlast daylight.  It is all about where the next meal is coming from, who is sick and might die today, who is hurting and needs to be literally carried in someone’s arms to a doctor or some other kind of healer.  An awareness that Jesus is present in every minute of the day permeates life there.  The fever comes down.  Praise Jesus for finding favor on this situation.  The fever doesn’t come down.  The dead are buried and their names are not spoken again.  It wasn’t Jesus will.  That is acceptable.  Questioning is useless. Move forward.  I remembered as though for the first time why I became a Christian and why I became a social worker.  It restored my soul and gave me clarity.

Every year I try to make a new friend.  I like to develop several meaningful relationships each year.  I want to get to the end of my life and be able to look back at a long strand of people with whom I shared meaningful relationships.  I don’t like to let meaningful relationships go.  Some “go” naturally.  I can meet some dear friend from 20+ years ago and I take up where we left off.  That is genuine friendship.  I’ve never had a relationship with someone who became extremely close who I chose to cut off until this year.   That is pretty remarkable I think.  I am 50 this year and my goodbyes have been fairly healthy as far as I know.  This year, I chose to end two relationships.  I am still not sure if the decisions have been good ones, but they had to be made.  Still, there isn’t day that goes by that I don’t ruminate on whether this is the decision that I want. What I do know is that what I had thought was shared in the relationships were only perception and not reality.   How can you grow close to someone over the years and then realize much of the relationship has not been genuine at all.  It is confusing since the decision was made about two people who are not connected in one circle of my friendship.  One was especially close a while ago.  More recent years brought the other closer.  This has been a year where God has had to beat me over the head with quite a bit of club strength to get me to see, really see and then cut off.  I’ve done it, but I did so kicking and screaming.  I wrote a letter and never mailed it.  It was sort of an effort to purge, let go and bring the relationship to an emotional conclusion for me.  It helped, but the pain these individuals caused has scarred me deeply.  I recommend the exercise.  It helped me see the part I played and the mistakes that I made.  It gave me opportunity to ask God for forgiveness and to learn better ways of relating to those around me.  Lessons I should have learned long ago, but kept skipping out on.  God is still working on me.  Praise him for it!

This year has also provided some drama in another ring at the circus. I watched someone I have loved since childhood with newly bestowed power and authority totally uproot the life of another family literally destroying many years of good that had been done in the lives of a generation of children.  It was a bloodbath and brought to mind the arenas of old where the lions came out and bodies were buried at the end to the sounds of angry mobs; one where reason and civility seemed to have never existed.  It was a sad few months to witness; one that brought me to my knees again and again.  In the end, the sun came out and the Son stood quietly waiting where he had been the entire time going unnoticed and unacknowledged in the carnage.

The year hasn’t been all challenge and no reward.  In fact, it has been quite the opposite.  It has been a year for rebuilding and redefining who I am.  My husband and I bought a foreclosed property in the mountains.  We tore the place down to the shell and have rebuilt it.  It is almost finished.  I can’t begin to elaborate on how this rebuilding effort has strengthened our marriage.  It has given us something new to focus on. It has been a catalyst for finding a new depth in our relationship.  On the surface it seems so simple.  In reality, it has been anything but simple.  Yet, it has been a wonderful experience.   I have been reminded of how our strengths compliment each other.  Where he is strong I am weak.  Where I am strong he is weak.  I have been reminded of why we fit so nicely together.  This is timely as we have begun the “empty nest” phase of our lives together.  I have been saturated in the warmth of our relationship.  It wasn’t always so, which makes this year beyond wonderful.

The experiences of this year have caused me to pull in a bit.  I haven’t written as much.  I haven’t wanted the exposure.  I am tired of the talking heads criticizing and scrutinizing.  I am tired of the self absorption that exists in every culture.  I am thankful for my own circumstance.   I love my children and their spouses.  I pray for their future.  I am still hopeful about my country.  I believe this year has been a wake up call to some of us who have grown lukewarm in our faith.  I believe 2010 will be one that defines this next generation.  A baby step into an unpredictable arena.

Posted in Culture, Friendship, Goals