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I have been completely overwhelmed by the reaction to my last post. I never anticipated the response that I got and want to thank everyone for your support and kind words. So I thought I would talk about the struggle I have with anxiety.

This is a recent development which has kept me busy over the past year. For me it manifests in both physical and psychological ways: I have sweating, nausea, shallow breathing and a heightened heart rate. I feel horrible. This is accompanied by racing thoughts about some aspect of something coming which is insurmountable and horrible, from which there is no escape.

I am on medication which helps but which doesn’t miraculously make things go away. I have learned to breathe to try and calm myself down.

The attacks come in the morning normally around 6:00am and leave me debilitated. I then get anxious about getting anxious.

And it’s left me feeling hopeless, as if I am at the whim of my body and mind. No amount of prayer and positive thinking helps. I can’t think my way out of this. It isn’t a matter of will power. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Most days I soldier on and by mid-morning the symptoms have subsided, I’ve faced what I feared and nothing is ever as bad as I imagined.

I learned with my depression that faith and mental illness have a, shall we say, interesting relationship. These are the thorns in my side, the things I have to deal with. Everyone has their own cross. This is mine.

I have to fight the inclination to think that I am alone. I have learned that there are a lot of people in my corner. I have also experienced the power of prayer and solidarity. The solidarity with others as well as our Lord. In this struggle I know He knows what it is to be anxious. He sweated blood.

So I breathe. And carry on.

I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to keep my depression ‘under control’. In the last year I have increasingly added anxiety to the mix as well. I’m on medication for both – which has been an enormous blessing. I don’t feel as if I’m fighting my body and my mind. But I have to be vigilant. Every day.

At first I thought that depression was a sign of a lack of faith: that if I had faith and hope that I would no longer be depressed. I also thought that I could reason my way out of it. I was wrong.

It took me years to come to terms that depression wasn’t a sign that I was weak or stupid. It was only when I learnt to breathe and accept that depression is not something I can overcome but that I can manage that things changed for me.

And then came the anxiety. The loss of my job and subsequent unemployment only exacerbated the problem. In a weird way, the experience of having depression helped me with my anxiety. But it was still a struggle.

The thing I have learnt is to try to attach my struggle with the suffering of our Lord. It is comforting for me to know that He struggled with anxiety too. The isolation I felt could be debilitating and to know that He understands is a huge consolation.

I know of someone who prayed for her depression to be cured and it worked. I am happy for her. But that has not been my experience. I need medication and therapy and hard work to manage my diseases. I no longer see anxiety and depression as weaknesses but rather as ways to make me more compassionate and understanding of others in their struggles. I see them as a way to keep my ego in check and to help me see my limitations. I see them as a tool to help me to ask others for help.

Some days, some weeks are harder than others. But I try to see them as a blessing. And in doing so they have less of a stranglehold on me. I never have a day that I am free from them. But I am also no longer afraid of them nor a slave to them. And I have faith that every day I will have sufficient grace to deal with what comes my way.

I lost my voice. Not literally, thankfully. I haven’t felt as if I have anything to say for over two years and to some extent that still applies. But I don’t think that things will improve unless I dive back into writing, so here I go …

It’s advent. The shops are full of tinsel and Christmas trees. The year end has been a mad rush to get things done and now, in the last few days, I’ve made some time to think about Christmas.

First let me say just how much I hate Christmas carols. To my mind they are saccharine and obscure the blessing of the incarnation. This led me to re-examine the idea of the God of the Ordinary.

What would happen to my faith if Jesus was born in a cave. With no angels or shepherds or Wise Men? What would happen if He died on a cross with few people caring and carrying on their daily lives. No earthquakes or tearing of the temple cloth? Would that render my faith useless?

To my mind no. In fact it would increase it more. I don’t believe in the magic God. I believe in the God of the Ordinary. The majestic God who lives and breathes in the mundane. Who is capable of the spectacular and who sometimes manifests God’s self in that way but who by and large is with me as I struggle to accept grace in my daily life.

So this Christmas I will be looking for God in the usual places: my family and friends; and not waiting for kings and angels to show up

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It’s been hard to get my head around Day 2 for reasons which will become clear. The day started off very hot in Jericho. I’m not sure that Jericho has any other temperature than boiling; and it became evident that I had made a big mistake with my wardrobe. But since we were off to the Jordan River and the Dead Sea I knew there would be some respite.

We started with mass in Jericho followed by a beautiful session in the presbytery gardens. The garden had fruit trees and was an oasis in the harsh and unforgiving environment of Palestine. We sat for an hour or so talking about our names and their meanings. It became apparent that in our names, in our naming, there are very personal connections to our families, friends and where we come from. We also discovered that 5 of us share a connection to the Nicholson family which was a lovely bonding moment.

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We moved from there to the River Jordan. The politics intruded again as we traveled a narrow road through a minefield to get to our destination.

A really interesting thing happened when we spoke about going to the river. I, in my indomitable way, assumed all would want to share in the experience of getting into the river to share the experience of our Lord.  It became apparent that there were those in the group for whom this would be a very disturbing and in some instances a genuinely traumatic experience.  I was reminded of how pilgrimage is simultaneously an intensely group and intensely individual experience.

When we arrived I was struck by the vegetation and then the Jordanian army with large guns on the other side. The river itself is not very wide and in some ways its size hides the enormity of the things which occurred there. Our God of the Ordinary was evident to me once again.

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Top: Jordan with soldiers just out of the picture. Bottom left: the banks of the river. Bottom middle:the minefield surrounding the river. Bottom right: the vegetation. 

We then went to the Dead Sea. You won’t see any pictures from our time there because while we were there there were two medical emergencies. Theirs are not my story so I am not going to go into detail. But both required urgent medical intervention. Thank God we had two doctors with us!  The one emergency was treated on site but the other required more serious medical treatment. The incident dominated the day and indeed the rest of the pilgrimage.

For me there were profound personal challenges where I had to fight against my selfish nature. One of my closest friends was hurting, there was nothing I could do to help and she really needed other people, not me. I was angry and hurt, feelings I struggled with for a long time. But thank God for the people who were there who held me. This was one of the biggest learnings of the pilgrimage: I can be incredibly selfish but I also know when to back off; that my better self can actually step up. While I need to work on my interior stuff it is good to know I can step up and do what is necessary (or rather not do what is unnecessary!)

After having nearly been left behind at the Dead Sea (thanks Aunty Gill!) we went to Quran, where the Dead Sea Scrolls were discovered. Lunch was in an air conditioned restaurant which was a welcome relief from the unrelenting heat.  Quran is a fascinating place. I started to formulate a theory that Moses, suffering from heat stroke and tired of his people complaining came over the crest of the mountain, looked at the landscape and decided that this was it. No more. And declared it to be the Land of Milk and Honey.

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Back to the air conditioned bus we made the trek up to Jerusalem. We had the first sight of the iconic views for which the city is so well known, and stopped in Bethany. Not for the first time I was struck by the close proximity of places to Jerusalem.  Bethany is a stone’s throw away from Jerusalem much nearer to the city than I expected it to be.  It is hardly surprising then that it is the place where Jesus stayed when he went to Jerusalem.  It had never occurred to me that the family of Mary, Martha and Lazarus were friends of the family with whom the Holy Family would have stayed on their trips to Jerusalem. We used to have friends like that, with whom we stayed when we traveled. Again, God in the ordinary.

Given the events earlier in the day time to contemplate in a cool church was welcomed. And as we settled in to pray … the mosque next door called the faithful to Ramadan prayer. There are reminders everywhere that this is a city of Abrahamic religions.

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We ended the day by going to our accommodation in the Old City. It is the most amazing place and I fell in love with it. Little did I know that way more was in store for me. But that is another story for another day.

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View of Jerusalem from the Old City. 

Tour company:

  • St Gerard’s Holy Tours (Cape Town)
  • Inspiration Tours (Jerusalem)

 

Photo credits: Unless stated all photos are mine.

 

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I think I’m now ready to reflect on my experience of pilgrimage. The experience remains with me, as if I am still there. I suspect this is a journey which will never end.

Like so many before I cannot start but with the observation that this is not a holiday and so the preparation is necessarily different. I’m not going to be very helpful other than to suggest that each person needs to follow their own path to prepare. One of the things I value most is the prayerful support of those who were praying for me before and during the  journey. We are not alone: we pilgrimage together – this is true both in terms of actually going on pilgrimage as well as in life. It is one of the abiding lessons I carry with me.
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Our first stop was Jaffa. We came straight from the plane into boiling heat which was something of a shock having come from a Cape Town (dry) winter. Traveling from Tel Aviv it struck me that the environment is stark. And very bright. (The advice to bring sunglasses is not about fashion!) I mention the starkness because it was heightened later when we arrived in Jericho and indeed for the rest of the trip.

Arriving we were afforded the opportunity to walk around before mass. There was not much walking in the heat and so I found a perch from where I caught my first sight of the Mediterranean Sea. The colour jumped out at me after the whiteness which had come before. Of course the remnants of English colonial rule were evident in the cannons facing westwards.

I’m not sure what is was expecting, but the Church of St Peter’s was not it. Don’t get me wrong, it is beautiful and I would go back any day. I just wasn’t expecting anything so, well, European. I guess I naively thought it would be more rustic. I had conveniently forgotten of the two millennia of conquest and colonial rule. Looking back now I’m surprised at my own surprise.

I confess to not remembering much about the mass, but I did have the first experience of what characterized my time in Jerusalem, which was an experience of the awesomeness of God.  Everyone’s pilgrimage is different, but I found it hard not to feel the presence of God in the land where Jesus walked.

From there we went to lunch. I practically ignored the (Jonah) whale statue in the rush to get to the air conditioned restaurant. The food was great. The air conditioning was better!
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The trip to Jericho confirmed my nascent assumptions that the hot, dry land is harsh and unforgiving. We glimpsed Jerusalem, the apartheid wall and our first experience of the deep division which characterizes the life of the people in the region.

It was also my first inkling of the extent to which Jesus’ ministry was a walking ministry. These are not mean distances … and we were in an air conditioned bus with water!!! I also realized that when Jesus said: “A man went down to Jericho” He wasn’t kidding. It is downhill. Seriously. Not a journey I would undertake with any alacrity.

Upon entering Jericho we were reminded that we were entering Palestinian territory. The politics is everywhere. The poverty of the people compared to the abundance we has seen on the way was as stark as the inequality at home.

We stopped to do some shopping to support the local industry and that included a marriage proposal, which I politely declined. We headed to the hotel which reminded me of the Southern Suns we stayed at as children. It was really nice, although walking past Israeli soldiers with large guns was quite disconcerting.

In looking back I realize that I spent most of the day trying to comprehend that I was really in the country of our Lord. I think there is a part of me still trying to come to grips with that. Perhaps more than anything I learned on pilgrimage is that each place, each experience is never really over. I am learning every day that more and more. The heat and dust of the wilderness was my first experience of that.


Tour company:

  • St Gerard’s Holy Tours (Cape Town)
  • Inspiration Tours (Jerusalem)

Photo credits: Unless stated all photos are mine.

  • Candles – Fr Chris Townsend

Writers block

I have been unable to write for some time now. Part of that is that I simply don’t have the energy; the very thought of writing and I feel the will to live drain from me. Then there is the confusion about what I would write. I feel as if I would be writing the same thing over and over and yet not move from knowing what I need to do and feeling as if I simply cannot do it.

At the same time my anxiety levels have increased to the point that they are impacting on my daily life. Minor issues are elevated to the status of natural disasters.

And through it all my friends and family have been steadfast in their love and support. I thank God for them often and regularly.

The refrain in my head is: ‘Nobody told me there would be days like these/ Strange days indeed’ (John Lennon).

As I journey in lent I find it hard to see the upside of the ‘strange days’ but I know the resurrection lies on the horizon.

‘There are far better things ahead than those you leave behind’. I hope CS Lewis is right.

I have just returned from 12 days in the Holy Land.  It is absolutely impossible to put into words all of the experiences I have had and I suspect that this will be a life-time journey.  I had been warned not to expect the Children’s Bible and to expect the unexpected.  Two bits of really good advice which I will be passing on to first-time travelers in the future.

But once again I have been overwhelmed by Grace.  From the first mass I was aware of a closeness and presence of God which is greater than anything I expected.  At the most unexpected places I was grabbed and experienced God in new ways.  I fell in love with Jerusalem. In a way I cannot explain it felt like God’s City – it is the place where despite all the divisions which exist, the three Abrahamic religions have important sites.  And God’s presence was palpable to me.

We were blessed to stay in the Old City, a short walk to the Holy Sepulcher. What a marvelous privilege.  Walking the Old City, seeing the traders and coming upon unexpected sites was amazing.  Sitting on the Mount of Olives tracing the geography of the passion was something that I will never forget.

But this was not a success only journey.  There were significant obstacles which I faced.  Internally I had to wrestle with my own demons and was challenged to show up and be present in ways which are difficult for me.  Pilgrimage is not religious tourism and certainly not for the faint of heart.

But the amazing spirit of our group, the caring and love we shared despite all the individual personal challenges was incredible.  Each had their own story and yet showed kindness and compassion to people who started as strangers.

I encountered God in the inner recesses of myself, in the group I was in and in the places where Jesus went.  But I know for me, the pilgrimage has just begun …

 

 

 

 

I just haven’t been able to write for the last year. Part of the block has been that I felt as if I was stuck in a kind of spiritual Groundhog Day. I feel as if I’ve been looping and as hard as I try during the day, I wake up in the same place facing the same challenges. Most days just getting to the end without collapsing in an emotional heap was an accomplishment. With no end in sight, it has been exhausting. Writing became the last thing on my mind. And when I did think about it, I could literally feel as if my life-force was leaving my body.

Not everything has been resolved but I can see he light at the end of the tunnel. But it’s taking a lot longer for me to regain my equilibrium. I’m not back to being myself, but thank God I am getting there.

The one thing that strikes me is that I am unbelievably blessed. I have been able to rely on old friends and new to stand by me. Their support and patience means more than I can express. 

Unlike Bill Murray’s character in the movie, hearing ‘I got you’ was an expression of hope to get me through the day.  I have come to realize what a blessing the gift of faith is. I know that at times it has been the knowledge of and experience of God’s love and presence has been great consolation. 

Thy will be done…

One of the hardest things for me to do is to relinquish control of anything – from a TV remote control to work. Usually it has to be wrestled from my clasp with great determination and force. I like things my way. I think I am right. While I am able to concede that in theory there may be other ways of seeing and doing things, I am seldom convinced of this in practice.

Unsurprisingly this applies to my faith life as well. I am in almost constant negotiation with God: there is nothing too small that I don’t haggle over.

Thy will be done’. That line speaks directly about control. 

It occurred to me today that so often when I say the ‘Our Father’ that my intention is that other people will be open to grace so that God’s will is done.  It seems to be a spectacular oversight on my part. Perhaps it is in some measure because I believe that an element of my faith journey is to be present and open to grace. I fear,however, that may be an overly generous interpretation of my intentions.

If I follow my own logic then it must be others who must change for God’s kingdom to be realized.  How jolly convenient. That leaves all the hard work to the rest of humanity. I’m not sure that was the message Jesus was aiming for.

The ‘Our Father’ sounds so simple but it is so challenging: I am called to forgive and be open to God in every moment with everyone I encounter.

I suspect I need to ask for a lot more grace, and to drink a lot more coffee.

My eye-hand coordination has never been good.  Catching a ball, or any object for that matter, has always been quite an achievement.  My skills (or lack thereof) are legendary within my family and there was one Christmas when my sister and brother were only too happy to have me play on the side of the children because rather than being an advantage they knew my ball-skills would be a handicap.  They were right.

It would seem that my ability to deal with metaphoric curve-balls is equally limited.  There have been a number this year that I have just not seen coming.  And it has thrown me off-balance.  I’m not sure which is worse, the fact that they happened or that I am upset with myself for not having seen them coming.

It is interesting to me that these are the issues which have occupied my head-space because at the end of the day neither is particularly helpful in either getting insight into myself nor finding resolution.  Rather they are distractions of the kind which lead to self-recrimination rather than real learning.

One of the things which has surprised me is that no one else seems surprised.  There has been a lot of sympathy and support but surprise has been in short supply.  This was startling at first and then I realised that for many what I was experiencing was either similar to something they had gone through, or they had faced worst challenges.

Welcome to the human race, Phil …

I guess that I really had no notion of what a blessed life I lead.

At roughly the same time I got the last curve-ball lobbed at me we started doing some community dialogues at work.  The stark contrast between what I was going through and the daily experiences of the majority of South Africans could not have been greater.  I have met people of resilience and courage.  Just surviving with some form of dignity in tact is a feat in itself.  I cannot put into words how humbling it is to think of the privilege and advantages I have even with all the challenges.

And in between everything Christmas snuck up on me.  I was not ready for it.  I barely had time to breathe and it was here.  I am not sure how I could have done things differently although I am convinced that there was a way.

If nothing else this year has taught me that I need to find a more healthy way to deal with curve-balls.  As much as I would like to wish them away they are here and I suspect they are a permanent feature of life as an adult. I have to learn to breathe, maintain my equilibrium and carry on.

Thank God for grace, friends and family!

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