I’m currently mired in one of those cycles where I feel absolutely desperate to connect with others that can accept and understand the turmoil going on within.

The past weeks have contained a mix of good and bad with the bad breaking me down and the good leaving me with a sense of longing.  It’s hard for me not to see this as a bit pathetic but it is the truth behind my emotions at this time.

A lot of the world keeps changing and I’m scared at what it is becoming.  When I entered the kink-world on the internet I was hoping that it would allow me to take down the masks and faux-alpha armor that I display in day-to-day life.  Lately it seems like you need a sharp claw to scratch your way in, a set of fangs to bite down and hang on, and again… armor in order to make your statement and let the shit bounce off without truly soiling you.

I know much of this is depression talking.  When it’s not, I don’t ache in the same way or choose these routes to try to sooth the pain of my soul.  I can’t tell if I am going crazy or if everything is crazy around me.

I try to be strong within it.  I hate feeling like the type that cries for help. Here I am, craving connections… but feeling too awkward to find them.  I guess I just don’t know how anymore.  What little confidence left in me seems to trickle out little by little with each passing day.

I’ve danced this dance before.  I know on the horizon things will feel okay again.  I know in the future I will again dare to hope and dream and smiles will flow freely and with little effort.  I would love to believe that as a rational being I could simply be patient… but it also feels rational to flail and reject what feels bad and do what is possible to improve it.  Maybe tomorrow will feel better.