Happy Birthday, Cassie!

Cassie turned 9 today. Hooray! She is the most amazing, beautiful, intelligent, loving, patient, fun person ever. I am so grateful that she is a part of our family and a huge part of my life!

It seems weird that we have been dealing with this brain tumor-thing for half her life. Just a little update. On December 17 she had an MRI. The doctors told us that the tumor had grown and that we were looking at applying for clinical trials for her treatment because we had used all the options. They won't do radiation again and surgery is out of the question. We (the kids and I) went to the Children with Cancer Christmas Foundation party that evening, feeling the love and support of friends and people who know what this is all about. Then we came home and held each other and cried. I prayed for comfort for my children - it seemed as though their hearts were literally breaking.
The next day we got a call from Primary Children's telling us to have Cassie there on Friday to get further testing - an MRI spectroscopy and a CAT scan. Her surgeon had requested these tests to determine if the tumor was dying and why it was expanding. We have unofficial results from these tests, but the doctors aren't saying anything definite until we repeat the tests January 28th. Our prayer is that the tumor is dying due to the effects of the radiation she had in July and August. We are hoping that the cells are becoming liquid, thus expanding the internal pressure and increasing, temporarily, the size of the tumor.
All that being said, when Phil asked Cassie what she thought about the tests, she said that "they will show that the tumor is dead." I am always amazed at her faith and positive outlook.

As a personal note, I had surgery Dec. 23, which the doctors removed some tumors. The tumors were quite deep in muscle tissue and had to be scraped from bones. I have had a struggle with a lot of pain and just moving around. Cassie has traded roles with me for a little while. She comes to me when I'm particularly tired or in pain, and gives me big hugs, gets me drinks and basically takes care of me when I need it. She told me that she would do this because "you take such loving care of me all the time, Mom. Now its my turn to help you." We have done a lot of cuddling and watching our favorite musicals and movies.

Our hearts are so full of love and gratitude for so many people who love us, pray for us, send us their energy, and help us. Thank you all. This journey has been made much easier and more joyful because of you. It is amazing to see so much love around us.

I have been thinking about this past 41/2 years. It would be impossible to write in this limited space everything we have learned and gained. Suffice it to say right now, we would not remove these experiences, even if we could. Cassie is so amazing - truly a spiritual leader, full of love and faith and joy and energy. She has such a strong sense of compassion for others and is always there when someone needs love and tenderness.
We have gained some extra-special friends, some who would rather not be named. So, let me just say that we are blessed every day with your love.
I have learned so much spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. A friend compared our experience these past few years with earning a PhD. I'm not sure what you would call this degree, or how it would impress an empoyer, but it certainly has been a journey full of growth. We see much more growth ahead of us. Thank you for sharing the journey.

We Just Love It When ...

*We love it when we get all cold outside and then come in for hot chocolate!
*We love it when we get a new haircut and look BEE-U-TI-FUL!
* We love it when Dad picks fresh raspberries and we get yummy milkshakes!
*We love it when Mimi still likes to play pretend with the younger kids!
*We love watching movies together - comedies, oldies, musicals.
*We love it when our friend Jake Anderson lets us know that he is (finally!) finished with Chemo and that he is proud of his beautiful bald head! Hooray for Jake!!!
*We love summertime and swimming and Montana!
*We love it when Cassie says she is doing OKAY and its obvious she's not - but she keeps on going anyway!
*We love cuddling on the couch with Mom or Dad!
*We love playing with our nephew and nieces!
*We love watching Jenn's videos of her cuties!
*We love it when we're NOT sick!
*We love watching Thomas act or sing. He's SO AMAZING!
*We love seeing Thomas in his new tux!
*We love being together as a family - playing, talking, working, just BEING!
*We love eating our favorite foods - there is a big list of our favorites:beans & ham, and chocolate cookies included.
*We love listening to beautiful music - sometimes peaceful, sometimes jazzy, sometimes funky!
*We love decorating our house for holidays and just for fun.
*We love visiting our cousins in Idaho.
*We love knowing that Heavenly Father hears our prayers and loves us and helps us through the rough stuff.

Celebration!

Hurrah! Yesterday we had the follow-up MRI after Cassie's radiation therapy. We didn't get to actually see the images, but we had a conference with Dr. Bruggers. She said that the tumor had shrunk significantly, as much as 1 centimeter in one of the dimensions. She also said that there was some indication of necrosis (dead cells). We are so grateful for this miracle and excited that the radiation was effective. We are scheduled for another MRI in December, which we hope will show continued reduction in the tumor. As far as we can tell from blood tests and her exam, the rest of Cassie's beautiful body and brain are functioning as they should.

I don't know how many of our family, friends, and neighbors are actually reading this blog, but I want to tell all of you a very heartfelt THANK YOU for your continued prayers and healing thought in behalf of Cassie. When Dr. Bruggers examined Cassie, she said that she was surprised that Cassie was doing so well. She had to admit that Cassie has been blessed throughout this entire experience. We know why. God has heard your prayers. He has held Cassie in His hands and has protected and strengthened her. We have seen this over and over again. He has kept her from fear and has given her comfort.

Everyday Adventures

Cassie is now experiencing the normal, everyday adventures that face every 3rd grade child. She loves her new teacher, Mrs. Deitz. She gets to go to computers every day, which she really enjoys. She sees what Mimi and Thomas do at home on our computer (Photo shop, slide shows, etc.) and wants to do the same. She's so smart that nothing stops her. She made friends with the librarian, Linda Morgan, the very first day of school. Cassie is now a real "shelf elf" who gets to help straighten the books, choose books to display, and check out a new book every day. She amazes Mrs. Morgan by bringing them back the next morning, all read.

I teach music at Harvest Elementary and have a choir class before and after school. Cassie has chosen to join our choir, and loves to sing. She is the youngest one in the class, but no one cares. I love having her with me for that time!

I love watching Cassie run around the neighborhood with her friends. Even when she gets tired out, she doesn't stop. It seems that she doesn't want to miss anything. The only struggle she has right now is making friends in her new class. Most of the students already know each other and she hasn't quite made it into their circles. She is working on making one new friend a week, which is a pretty good goal.

We are waiting (NOT patiently at all) for her first MRI after completion of radiation. It is on Sept. 17th and we will meet with her radiation oncologist on the 19th. I can't even think about it; even writing about it now changes my feelings from calm to anxious. Sooooo, I will just focus on all the fun things. :)

Thank you all for your prayers and loving, healing thoughts. The doctors and nurses are so surprised that Cassie is doing so well. She lost about 2 inches of hair around her hairline, but it doesn't really show. As I said before, she has so much energy and has no loss of ability or function. I'm not surprised, though. Prayer and love and all the care and pleading of our friends and family has really blessed her. Again, Thank You So Very Much!!

CELEBRATION!

Hooray! Cassie finished radiation today! When the last radiation occured, the techs cheered from their booth. They were so happy for her. She then rang the "Celebrate" silver bell, something she has been looking forward to for the past month. Everyone at Huntsman Center was so glad for her; they all cheered and wished her good luck. We will have an MRI in a month to see (hope and pray) that the tumor has been destroyed by the treatment.

Cassie starts a new adventure in a few days. She will be going to 3rd grade at Harvest Elementary School where I will be the Music Teacher. So I guess it will be an adventure for me, too! That's great! We love to be adventurous together.

So, stay tuned!

Over 2/3 through radiation - Hooray!

Cassie has finished 21 of the 30 radiations. Hooray! I worry about how easily tired she gets and how she has dark circles around her eyes. But today Dr. Barnette said that he was amazed at how great she looks and how well she is doing. He said that they see many resiliant kids at PCMC, but she is one of the most amazing ones. Some of the kids that have been through what she has aren't doing as well. We feel very blessed, and know that Cassie has been blessed with extra strength of body, mind and spirit.

Dr. Barnette explained that even though the radiation sessions will be finished August 13th, the results of the treatments might not be evident for 1 to 2 years. That is a little frustrating to me, but I guess it is a lesson in both Faith and Patience. I thought we had learned these lessons. Perhaps there are many levels of these virtues or characteristics; once you get it at one level, the next challenge pops up and you get to work harder. This reminds me of one of Thomas' computer games - he keeps getting into deeper levels of increasing difficulty.

Life is such a challenging school. But when I seriously think about it, I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. Wouldn't it be so boring to just stay status quo and never grow or learn or change? However, I have to ask the question "Does it always have to be so difficult and painful, though?" I guess there is no growth without first paying the price.

Scary Things

What are we afraid of? Some people might be afraid of this really scary guy. The rest of us just laugh because we know its Cassie's dad, Phil. (He just finished sanding a basement and is covered in dust. The crazy look is just how he is. lol)

This might look scary to some people. Let your daughter ride on an old dirt bike? Well, obviously she isn't scared. She enjoys riding with our neighbor, Brad. I'm the one who gets nervous. "Hold on tight! Don't let your leg touch the exhaust! Don't go too fast!"

When asked, many people say they are afraid of heights, spiders, speaking in public, going to the dentist, getting cancer, collapse of the economy, etc. I have been stalked with an unidentified sense of fear for the past few weeks. Today, while sitting in a planning meeting with my new teaching team, I realized that I was afraid of the unknown of a new job. As the meeting progressed, the sense of doom slowly dissipated like fog in the morning sun.

The unknown is what we all are most afraid of. When Cassie was first diagnosed, we felt almost overwhelming fear. We were full of unanswered questions - What will happen with surgery?, What is cancer like?, What treaments will be needed?, Will she be in pain?, How will we pay for all of this?, Will she be blind?, Will she die? We don't have the answer to some of these questions, but we are no longer afraid of the answers. Whatever happens, we know that we can deal with it.

Through everything Cassie has experienced, she has not been afraid of anything. She was blessed with courage and a sustaining sense of peace. When she faces new procedures, we learn about what will happen and talk to her about it. She asks many questions which we try to answer or find someone who knows. Sometimes she has helped other children get over their fears of things like needles, MRIs, and chemo.

Its kind of like The Dragon of Doom in the series Moongobble (Bruce Coville). Everyone is afraid of this dragon until the boy actually goes into the cave and discovers it is a very small, non-ferocious creature that wouldn't hurt anyone. Who said "The greatest thing to fear is fear itself?" So, on with the show!