Closing December

It's Christmas Eve, 2025.

It's very quiet here @ home, no TV or music.

I got off work, got car headlights replaced, came home, ate something then napped until 7:00 p.m.

It's been a hard December for me even though I wore a brave face. This is year #2 of the passing of James and Dwayne. We used to have epic Christmases that dwindled down to nothing in the last few years. I actually started to dread of the pressure of trying to be festive for James' sake when there really was no joy. And gifts were bought just for the sake of having something under the tree. I think James' last Christmas home, I didn't make any attempt at anything. No decorations; I gave him his gifts in the bags they came in. 😱😭

But through 'new eyes' I noticed the pressure everyone puts on themselves like I used to and found sheer relief in not having to do that to myself anymore. Super stressed-out customers at the store obligated to travel, entertain more folks than my house has room for, or shop, etc., even when they didn't/don't want to. The words I've been hearing since Thanksgiving is "I can't wait until all this is over' and that's kind of sad. 

First, I try not to wish time away. It's flying fast enough without wishes for it to go faster. Secondly, if you're a Believer, this Season isn't about all that other shit, it's about Christ's birth. But I totally get it because I 'ate pressure' for years while honestly not giving Jesus a thought. I think now with all this alone time, my actions/thoughts/feelings are more 'soft and clear' because I have no one to worry about or deal with but myself. And for that, I am thankful.

One of my fave Holiday Rubber stamps

Our monthly "Ladies Luncheon" was postponed last week. I was looking forward to being with the girls. 😄 It's funny how fast you can decorate/clean your house when you have company coming. Lol. I look around @ my cute touches, mopped floors, dusted shelves, clean bathroom and think 'why don't I let it look like this always?'

On the other hand, I got sad. One of those kinds of sad like when your parents tell you you're going to the amusement park the next day then next day we don't. And that sad is still lingering. I'm owning it and trying to be kind to myself. And this, too, shall pass.

On lighter notes, good stuff:

Whiskey Blues videos are visually beautiful, sexy and all that

All Her Fault was a good one I still think about. The twists were beyond freaky

A Choice of Weapons: Inspired by Gordon Parks; my photography hero. He was just masterpiece, genius, the birth of cool 😎

Merry Christmas and a Happy, Happy, Healthy New Year.

September Song

 

The "Harvest"

Well, here we are in the last week of September. I can't even express about time flying. It's an old cliche that holds endless truth. In this neck of my woods, we had a drought that seemed endless. I loved the blue skies/sunshine/tolerable temps, but I sure missed the rain and a good overcast day. My newly planted grass (again) went straight to hell. Also, hand-watering 'the jungle' of about 30 potted plants, the 'garden on wheels', the flower bed, keeping the bird baths full became ... 😧. But it's all good. I'll miss it when winter comes.

So, the picture of the Harvest produced more than I thought. It was just something to try since I don't have any place to do an inground garden. SURPRISE!!! It gave just enough for me. I even got a few green peppers. It was fun eating the sun-kissed 'matoes' straight off the vine with the salt shaker in hand. Lol. Childhood revisited.

Beautiful table by Dollar Tree

Break bread together

"Ladies Luncheon", 09/2025

My two sisters & my niece are keeping monthly lunches @ each other's homes going strong. OMG, how did we not know how much we all needed this in our lives!! It started w/Sister #2 saying (last December), 'why don't you have lunch @ your house for us?' (It was one year since my guys passed away) And from there it's gone full circle with my turn being in December again. Living in the mid-west, we have to make adjustments for what the weather will do since Sis#2 lives an hour away. So this is how the dates usually end; we're full of good food, drinks, music, medicinals, conversation and so much love. (I'm on the far right looking ...... questionable at best. LOL!)

And now I have three

So.... I added two more guitars to my one and I couldn't be happier. The total price of these two came to a whopping EIGHTY-SEVEN DOLLARS!!! The Mandolin was from a Resale shop going out of business, the second from the lady working there that casually mentioned she'd sell me her daughter's brand new guitar (the daughter moved to England & started a band!! Very cool). I was BEYOND excited. The Mandolin is missing two strings, reconstruction would be $$ out the ass, so it's just lovely decoration. It's VERY old. #score 

A Fall Walk

One Sunday morning, I walked the park near my house. There's always something very beautiful there to see. It's Dahlia season here and they did not disappoint. I was also happy to see the 'nature frame' that lives in the gardens year round is still being decorated according the season. God was everywhere! 😇

Otherwise, everything is going okay. I'm abundantly blessed, peaceful and thankful beyond words. In December, it'll be 2 years since my son and partner left earth. The grief for my son will never go away and I still have uncontrollable sobs and sadness at him not being with me, but I know where he is and know that I'll see him again. I remember after he died, then the partner, I went on a weekly binge of totally clearing out the house. I put so much out with the trash that the garbage guy asked if I was moving. Lol. I wanted no trace of the partner ever having been here (which is pure denial since it was over 30+ years), but we were SO unhappy and I put my life so on hold.

I remodeled the bathroom myself and made everything the way I needed to make MYSELF happy. The 'gung-ho-ness' of turning son's room into my craft room fell by the wayside. You can't call it a craft room if you haven't crafted in a few years. The lovely paint is still in the unopened cans, etc. I did manage to patch/spackle two holes but that's it. I haven't even sanded them down. Sometimes I wonder 'where am I mentally/creatively?' Seems the only thing I can accomplish is working everyday.

Lastly, I'm still 'seeing' my guy, if you can call it 'seeing.' We met four years ago when he was a customer @ the store. I was completely stricken with his kindness, looks (yes), he grew up on a farm, drove truck for 50 years and us sharing the same faith. He's a caretaker to his much older wife (which I totally respect) and he's 11 years older than me. I think when we met, my son's health was spiraling and I had NO support from the partner. Not that he (partner) didn't completely love my son (since the age of 2 or 3), but he had no clue on how to support me in my sadness, anxiousness and fear. In fact, he was downright harsh & mean which led me to have to verbally attack him. It drove the already truck-sized wedge between us deeper. In hindsight, he was sick and afraid as well which led to his death by massive heart attack while I was at work 17 days after my son's passing. I just wish we could have shared the kindness I was trying to give. Oh well ...

Then came my guy who was, if nothing else, cognizant of what I was going thru. If for nothing else to let me cry, sob, laugh, listen, console, pray and keep him updated on my son. From the hospital, to the nursing home, back to the hospital and finally to the passing.

We don't see each other often but we talk/text everyday, and this is good enough for me. I love my new space and my own company. He came into my life in the middle of quite a storm. Sometimes I wonder do we really love each other like we say or was I desperate for someone gentle and/or was he curious about a Black woman. We are TOTALLY NOT the same politically and there's things he never knew about my culture that makes me wonder. We never talk politics (I'm not politically correct in any way and avoid talking it like the plague), but we do share our faith. It wasn't coincidence that he walked up to my counter one Sunday, four years ago, after leaving church.

He's a great guy though, but I hope his wife lives forever. 😁

Thanks for reading whoever you are. Happy Autumn!!

Sweating thru August

 

Half of August is over and it has been an incredibly HOT summer w/little rain. The grass I planted for the SECOND year in a row has met the same demise as last year - brown/crunchy like my fave potato chips. I guess next Spring I'll try it again.

Nothing new has been happening here. I've self-diagnosed myself with Fibromyalgia. I have no other explanation for the aches/pain I feel in my back, abdomen, boobs, shoulders, hands and feet. Mom suffered w/these same things w/no one believing her. I googled if it was hereditary - it is. Not thru a gene or anything but some other explanation. I thought it would be from the physicality of my job; muscle strain of lifting, etc., but it's more than that. I'll mention it to Dr. Cola next month but in the meanwhile, I've discovered 'Yoga for Fibro' videos (thanks, YouTube). Slow, easy, gentle stretches help big time. Do whatcha gotta do, eh?

Things are changing at the store. I can't put my finger on it but it seems kinda bleak. Corporate has sent petty rules down the chain & it's stolen my mojo. I still show up & tackle my job w/both feet, but the joy is leaking out like a tire w/a nail in it. I try my best to be 'chipper' but most days, I can't muster it. Kind, patient and nice, but my spunk is missing. I work alone a lot so it's easy to be quiet and to myself. Hopefully, this is a phase.

Until next time ...

June is here

Happenings:

• I turned 62. Nothing big, no fanfare or celebration
• I spent four days @ my sister's home about 50 miles North. It was nice to get away but after four days, I was ready to be back home. 
• That's the first time I've been anywhere in years (if you really count 50 miles North 'anywhere)
• I planted a garden on wheels w/veggies & herbs and copious amounts of flowers I saved from death at the store. Everything looks very nice.
• I decorated my porch in a red theme this year. I don't have visitors so I pretty much enjoy it alone.
• I've been working a lot of hours because I don't really have anything else to do.
• I still miss my son deeper than words can say. Grief if never-ending.
• Even though I don't miss Dwayne, the thought that he died here alone while waiting on the ambulance during his heart attack hit me hard over the last couple of days. Heavy tears were shed.
• I still have my guy friend I talk/or text w/daily. I haven't seen him in the flesh but a handful of times since October 2024. Another story for another day.
• I joined "Substack" but don't really like it. Lol. I don't like the idea of having to pay to read folks' thoughts. They're truly not important to me.
• My sister is really pushing for me to create a book and/or calendar w/my photos. I've been starting and not following thru for years. We'll see.
• Temps, humidity & dew point levels are to become unbearable over the next few days. I don't have my A/C's in my windows so I'm hoping not to be miserable for too much longer
• On my off day (Thursday), I try to 'date' myself. The local museum was nice recently.
• I haven't done anything more to the spare room that I was chomping at the bits to paint. I patched a couple of holes in the wall but that's it. I'll try to get on that very soon.
• Oh, I'm lonely.

"March"-ing On

Well, it seemed like January lasted for 75 days, February lasted 2 and now March is here. My town didn't get a lot of snow this Winter, but the temps were simply brutal. I can handle cold; that's what they make the 'big coat', lovely squishy warm scarves and cute gloves for. Folks complained like it was something new. 😖

I've been reading over @ "Substack" a lot lately and today I created a profile. I don't know how often I'll write over there since I love my space here and have had it for-ever. But I was moved by the positivity and community and felt like I wanted to be a part of it. Then the introverted part of myself told me to post here. My fave writer there (so far) is "Alex Elle" and she's created a challenge called "joy spotting." I think it's the coolest. I didn't commit to join in but the idea is novel. 

I've been off work for 3 consecutive days (forced vacay) and it's so nurturing. Days off are usually Thursday/Sunday so it's nice to wake up on my own, sit in the quiet (TV rarely gets turned on) and let my mind wander. I've been trying to give my place the love it doesn't get when I'm working and I definitely feel like it's giving me a hug back. 🤗

Here're some 'joy spots' from this morning.

New diffuser. Me & the plants love it.

Yes, it's crooked. Lol. I fixed it, but you need much more than love.

"The Coffee Station." Coffee sign is placemat from Dollar Tree.

I don't know why I love things that SAY what they are.

Seeeee???????

Love how the rising sun lights up 'the jungle.' So do they.

Forgot I had this. Putting it to work.

I hope you find your spots of joy daily and embrace them. Gratitude is an amazing feeling.

Until next time ... 💋

Three Hundred Sixty-Three Days

 

"Did you ever know that you're my hero?"

As surreal as it still seems, my son has been gone from Earth for 2 days short of a year today. 

Time has soften the blow but the wind can still be knocked from my sails at any moment, at any time. I let myself roll w/the tide when it comes, letting myself cry until I'm short of breath w/a blinding headache. 

Then once it passes, I always thank God for his Master Plan, for taking away all suffering and for blessing me by letting me 'borrow' this sweet soul for 36 years. He changed my life in ways that are too numerous to count. I always like to say he raised me instead of me raising him. So much truth to that.

My usual day off is Thursday, but this week it (ironically) falls on Wednesday, the 4th, which is the day James took Jesus' hand and off to Heaven they went. It's been hard to kick memories of him leaving me and how bad it was, but my heart has learned to 'be still' & know that God orchestrates all things for the good. I know James is in a wonderful place, doing wonderful things and is filled w/happiness & joy & that pretty much gets me thru each day.

So, on that note, I don't know how I will honor my love 2 days from now. But whatever it is, it will be done with love.

Thanks for reading.

Glory In the Humdrum

Fall is here.

Happiness is a tiny waffle maker

Nerve-soothing "Sha-mo-lee" (as a friend calls it. Lol)

Glow on the Mantle, plus one of my girls

The Choleus on the patio continues to grow huge in the Fall air

Throws are mandatory ('always happy/everything happy')

On the line/in the wind. No better smell, ever.

Breakfast, courtesy of the tiny waffle maker 😋

Besides twinkle lights, tea candles are my 2nd love

"A Perfect Stranger" This is my girl, "Charlie" I met in the park on a photo walk.

I'm in love. She's so beautiful

Just one of the Hibiscus that continues to give me love

"Temu" is like crack. Lol. So many cool things. "Let It Be" is my go-to

I'm a Mum hoarder as opposed to letting die @ the store because  of lack of water 😠

I think everyone should always have posies in a vase for smiling purposes

"Enjoy whatever season you are in. There will be hard seasons, quiet seasons, turbulent seasons. Let God carry you through, ride on the wings of the Eagle. Seek, observe, listen and be grateful to God for all things. In Jesus name I pray, Amen"

In this season, I struggle to find joy. I found this prayer and it lifted my heart, reminding me to count my blessing, which are TOO numerous to actually count. Even thru the times when sit alone in the quiet, nap to escape, neglect self-care, I still need to fight the fog to find joy. The pictures above, alone, are just small reminders of how good life really is. And I am thankful. 

Happy May!

 

$9 bucks; put together in 5 minutes. Awesome stained glass.

The porch is "open." 

Hey. I'm welcoming all the blooms of flowers & trees everywhere in this fresh Season. I even re-seeded and planted grass for over 1/2 of my yard where the roofers left a buncha crap that killed the grass. You can see the straw I spread quickly. The  birds were acting like they were @ Golden Corral resty. It's growing like wildfire w/the temps, rain & humidity. Shout out to lawn guy, Jason, for totally tilling the ground. I was just gonna use a rake. Lol. Yay, me. 💪

Why is everything more cute when it announces its content?

Who says your 'grease can' has to be ugly? Lol.

This was a 'too cute - must have' until I found the one above that actually said "Honey"

Now, what to do? 😟

Filled w/my favorite

Thanks, Temu.