Theme music..."Still Here" Jill Scott
Artwork by Tanekeya Word
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Its been a good minute since I been on this here stayshun. Iono, just felt like a blog post today so here I is! (James Brown slide)

Transition! That is the word in my realm at the moment. Lotta changes happening or in cue for happening and its a beautiful thing. Been back in the hometown. Finally getting a breath and getting time to actually sit down and just process. I took a lot of time for granted in NY, not purposefully, but when you're ripping and running...time gets away from you.

Been enjoying teaching the kiddies at a Montessori School back home. Me myself, Im a Catholic School kid but I am diggin' the Montessori method. I wish it would be implemented in schools all around. Im just seeing the difference. Kids just listen better with that one on one interaction. They have structure they have goals and tasks. AND we can give some more teachers some jobs if we add more teachers in the classrooms.

Never knew I could have deep conversations about organic fruit versus store bought and Pangaea with a 5 yr old. lol. They crack me up with their fun facts and random isms of waking up from naps and peeing in the nearest containers available. I...honestly dont even have any reprimand for that. lol. Its...yep. I mean... what do you say when a kid has his Pikachu in the dish bin and is midstream? smh. (throws up hands) So yep, other than work its pretty uneventful in this here town but Im appreciating the time to regroup and focus.

Which brings me to transition. I like to believe that signs are everywhere to give us hints in this complicated maze called life. So Im being observant. Im a butterfly fanatic! Ever since I was a kid, Im just in a trance when I see them. The colors, patterns...Im all about the aesthics of random things. Not too many butterflies known to be around here but Ive been flanked by butterflies for like 2 mos straight. Not boring ass monarchs either...bright tiger pattern butterflies have been literally following me EVERYWHERE. Im like arite arite. I get it CHANGE (cue A Change is Gonna Come. Otis Redding version, not Sam Cooke)

And change it is. Im planning a relocation that is long overdue and one I believe will yield the benefits I seek. lol. Sounds like Im going on a pilgrimage dont it? Im determined to make my way. Im embarking on a career change that to some might be a 360 but in actuality...its just another side of ME. Im literally all over the place. Im excited, Im anxious to get this journey on its way. Its gonna be a trip...but Im open and Im so ready.

Hindsight is a beast! Im just amazed at the things you realize when you just be still and let things happen. Im a grownup! Shit! When did this happen? lol. But its a beautiful struggle learning who you are. Im looking back on things that have hindered me, mistakes that couldve been prevented, what Ive learned from said mistakes and what Im going to do to change my course. Im learning the importance of having positive energy, positive people in your space and knowing when to distance yourself from the bad juju some folks emit. Im reconnecting, building, recognizing what I want/need in my life at this point. In the words of Martin Lawrence..."Love's in ya face, I say love...love's in ya face!" lol

Yes yes yall...

Exodus

Wow, haven't blogged in a minute. Not since the big move. Thought I would do a brief update. NYC and I parted ways earlier this month. I would divulge why I had to leave so quickly but Ive told this story so many times, Im over it. All I can say is, headed to a city where roommates aren't the norm because they are a triflin' mess. In Wisconsin, straight from high school, I didn't live in a dorm, I had my own spot. And its a lovely experience to have your OWN spot. The only person you have to get mad at for late rent is you.

So, Im back in my home town for the moment. I stress the word moment. Im over it already and its been just about 2 weeks here. It's too small, too boring, too blah. It's the reason why I left for NY in the first place. NY and I didnt get along so well but who knows where I will end up in the future. Might go back when I have things straightened out. But I dont know, an apt. all to myself really appeals to me after living in NY. For now though, I must admit, the break from the stress I had there, feels good.

Ive been checking out Chicago and it looks like Im leaning more towards there than back east. It has the big city vibe with more of a small town cost of living. I couldnt believe when I first moved to NY and a room cost the same amount as an entire apt. Its crazy. And it feels that way living on top of people like that. ugh! It started to get to me. You would have to burrow for peace and quiet. Get on the train, something crazy is poppin off on the train. Go to work, something crazy is poppin off at work. I was SO freakin done at the end of the day.

Fingers crossed within the next few months I will be in Chi-town. I checked out some possible neighborhoods and I was really feeling it. I couldnt believe how much was going on downtown but it was quiet. It has a nice cool vibe there. Can't wait to get started on this next page. Its all about moving forward and progress. Minor setbacks but... things are gonna get brighter.

Exodus

Frugal Chronicles: Simplicity says it best...

I had to write on this because it seems as if Im just seeing it to like the 10th power. It could just be that Im from the Midwest and now Im in NY but still. Materialism is getting on my nerves!

We all like things. Who doesnt. Remember when you were younger and you would be on the way to the store to get that toy you've been wanting since forever or those jeans that have been on layaway so long it's now out of style. Its nice to get what you want. But when you're younger, you have no real concept of how much things cost until you grow up and have to buy all that stuff yourself. When that happens, we make smarter choices (some do). We learn that a name is just a name (apparently, only SOME do)

I was on the bus a while back and it was driving down Fulton St. Mall where all the shops are and these kids are on the bus just talk talk talkin up a storm. I'd say they were about 8 years old. I dont know, with all the hormones these days, kids dont even look like kids. They coulda been 2 for all i know. but I digress. They were naming all these shops and name brands. Talkin about how they want to go to Aeropostale and blah blah blah. I was like hmm...they know how to pronounce these name brands to the T. I hope they are freakin geniuses cuz there is nothing that annoys me more than kids that know the lyrics to the filthiest songs out there but cant spell their own name. Should NOT happen. Read a book!

Then the other day there was a lady that came into the cafe I was at with no coat, no bag, in JANUARY, crying. I saw her and asked her if she was alright, she said no. Apparently she was from Jersey and she came to the city with her mother, aunts, and cousins on a party bus. Long story short, her aunts got drunk and kicked her and her mother off the bus. Hmm...this story was a little suspect but I was just trying to make sure she had somewhere to go. So a gentleman let her use his phone and she proceeded to make calls. Now my heart is going out to her because she is stranded in the dead of winter with nothing, she's crying. Then...she starts talking...yea.

When she started off talking she kept saying how she was so embarrassed. I was like dont worry about who is looking at you. Just worry about getting home. She proceeds to tell me that this is why her husband doesnt want her to associate with her family because they dont know how to act. Imma just quote her and make this easier....

" This is so embarassing, I have a good job, I make good money. The neigborhood I live in, houses go for a million dollars."

*(internal thought) Umm... ok

"Its a very closed community, its where a lot of the rich people live."

*(internal thought) yeah ok...its a nice neighborhood...move on.

" My family doesnt know how to act. they act so ghetto and embarrass me. They get drunk and act a fool. Thats why I dont talk to them."

Pause.
Now, Im looking at this woman and she is obviously intoxicated. The rambling and glossed over eyes are very telling. And the fact that you got out of a bus without your coat or bag...IN JANUARY, leads me to believe maybe, you arent all the way there either. Which is fine. You're out having fun, having drinks, so what. Not that Im defending her family that could have very well been drunk and outta control, but dont down people that you yourself were getting drunk with. This is where she loses me.

" This is why I am so embarassed to be an African-American"

*(internal thought) Scrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

"They act so stupid. This is why white people will never take us seriously because of the way African-Americans behave. I went to school, I have degrees, my neighborhood is very expensive, it's mostly caucasian. I put down $1500 for this bus cuz I got it like that. Now its wasted. I could have bought a purse. Im always dressed to the T, I dont wear anything that isnt name brand. But my family, all they do is embarrass me."

Pause
Ok. Mind you, she's wearing a bedazzled T-shirt...(I HATE THESE) That looks highly Conwayish...cant be to certain but it looks like it could possibly be Conway's cousin Danice...lil bit. And she had on some jeans that are 2 sizes too small. Soooooo...embellishment much??? I think so.

(Suddenly, Im distracted by anything else that isnt her and so OVA this conversation.) Ok, well let me know if someone comes to get you girl. Im over there. takecare.

Where do I start. The fact that she equates success with living exclusively amongst white people was bad enough. But the fact that she determines her self worth and respect due, by what a white person shows her...damn. I can hear the ancestors rolling in there graves on that one. Really sis????

Myself, I was raised on 2nd hand stores and a mother who could sew her ass off. To this day, I love thrift shops. You can find some fly stuff. I was never really into name brands cuz we didnt get them. I knew what my parents could and could not afford and they couldnt afford to have me wear someone else's name on my butt cheek. I dealt with it. I didnt die from embarrassment. But there seems to be a miseducation going on with the rearing of children today and its so disheartening. They are so obsessed with THINGS and which star is wearing what, and how can they look like so and so. What happened to kids just being kids? One thing is for sure. I'll make sure when I have children, they have what they need and if I can get them what they want now and again...I will. But I will not brainwash my kids with consumerism. Its a cancer that has spread through the Black community too much as it is. We are the highest consumers. Yet too many of us live below the poverty line. How does that even add up??? It makes no sense.


And you can tell that this is something that is being taught to these kids and they are growing up with this mentality. Because I see grown ass people acting the same way! My boss was going on and on about how he has expensive tastes. He has a 50 in screen in his living room and a 32 in screens in his kid's rooms. He buys the newest everything even if he already has it, he wants everything brand new.

*crickets*

First of all, you are a grown ass man with CHILDREN. When you are not rooming with 10 muthafugettahs like you are in a refugee tenement...then maybe you can gloat about something. When you have a home that you can pass down to your children, to shelter themselves and their children and so on...then you can gloat a little. But you dont make that much so what the hell are you doing buying all that mess? I mean its not my business as to how he spends his money. But dont think Im going to be impressed with how much you can bankrupt yourself and the future of your children buying this worthless shit, making SOMEONE else rich? There is no logic in what you are saying and im not impressed, im sad for you. You cant die with THINGS. They will lose their value way before then. Its the legacy you leave behind that is important. And we need to start leaving our children something other than debt and generations of struggle. Im just sayin....

Frugal Chronicles: Simplicity says it best...

All Hail...

Now I am not the star struck type. I see celebrities and im like eh...so what. But I HAD to blog about my recent encounter(s) with one said . Queen freakin Latifah. YES! I saw her. Count em, 3 times! I was at work and looked down the line. I looked and was like wait...was that? Nooo. But...Then I looked again. I was like, oh my Gahhhh! It IS her!!! Shes lookin at me like come on, put two and two together...you can do it...THERE YA GO SWEETIE! Figured it out all by yourself. Yay! I Deeed it! (meep meep)

So anywho, she obviously sees the private little girl giggles a=and then the staring then looking away and smiles at me as I head nod to her in black body lengua. sup Queen! You have to understand, I am such an admirer of this woman, not a fan...cuz thats for crazy folk. I admire her as a lyricist, business woman, as an actress and as a full figured woman doin the damn thing, regardless of the high standards the industry puts against her. She's beautiful and she carries herself as such!

The most recent time she came in I was standing right next to her. Like, reach out and touch her (but not in a creepy way) kinda reach out and touch her. She apologized for using up the last of something...I dont remember and I said. "Oh its no problem thanks tho." She was like "arite, have a good one" OH MY GAHHHH! I spoke to her!!!!!!! I had to check myself...Like did I really emit audible words, or did I scat unexpectedly for lack of anything intelligent to say.

I need to come up with a script since I cant get my shit together when she's there. Im trying to say something to her that she doesnt hear all the time. "i love your work" "I loved you in ...." "Hey Kadijah!" Definite NEG-O-TIVE! I don't want to be THAT person that bothers her when she's just trying to head to the gym. But she's nice every time she comes in. How many times in your life do you get to meet people in the public eye that you admire?Gotta make it count when you do or its wasted opportunity. Im just sayin...

All Hail...

The lil fro that couldnt...

Wow, I havent blogged since October? Thats not good. Well, im not on anyone's time clock so I guess its whateva. So I was hoping to start vlogging about my Big Chop, natural hair journey but the journey has hit some NYC potholes and phucked up the whole plan. First, my video cam is back in my hometown, and possibly not where I left it and I am NOT buying another one right now. Second, the journey is not starting off well, I feel like Eddie Murphy in the Golden Child. All these challenges.

When I did my big chop I did it in my hometown, where black stylists are few and far between and if they ARE there, they look at natural hair like they dont even know what to do with it. So me showing up with my frayed fro saying shape me up...they look like they want to say, "Thats terrible girl, you want me to throw some 2b hair on that to cover THAT up. That? You mean my hair. Umm...no just shape it up. SHE BUTCHERED ME! I think I only paid her so she would stop. I figured, no biggie, it will grow back.

Anywho, Ive been reading up on different natural products that I can use on my hair to aid in growth and what not. I read Castor Oil is good for moisture. So I went to Namaskar(sp?) to get some. (cue dun dun dun)

I started massaging this into my hair every other day. No initial good or bad things to say about it, I knew it would take a while of using it to see any difference. hmm...unfortunately a while is not what I had when I started to be XTRA tender headed...thought it was just the combing of my nappy do, and just went about my regime. But the pain of my scalp got worse. I swear I could feel a soft spot...you know, the one you have as a baby but your skull grows and disappears. I didnt even want to comb my hair. Then I look in the mirror, part my hair and see this village of huge rashes all up and through my hair waging war against my poor scalp. Then, the hair breakage...lawd! I would run my hand over my head and my palm would be covered in hair. I was so done with Castor oil. Damn my sensitive skin!

*Sidenote: I would have taken pics...probably while playin opera cuz it was THAT tragic it needed its own theme music. but for some reason during my move, all my memory sticks got damaged..and Im frugal, no Im cheap, ok no Im frugal, so I dont wanna get a new one now for baby Nikon.

Well i can mark castor oil off as a product that I can use, apparently Im allergic. I cringe when I even see that ingredient in anything. I know that alot of people say natural hair products are kind of trial and error...but for real for real I dont feel like going thru drama every time I want to find products to aid in my hair growth. Im just sayin...

The lil fro that couldnt...

Loc me up and throw away the comb!

Yesterday I was on my way home from "the fields" and I got on the train. Saw this lovely older black woman...who I could tell was older but still looked freakin amazing. Anyway, I couldnt help staring at her locs and felt compelled to tell her, I love your locs. She had these long waist length locs that were curled in these huge ringlets and just looked so beautiful.(I need to start carrying my camera with me) I cut my locs in May and ever since, Ive had the worst loc envy. I have had mixed feelings about my Big Chop. I told the lady that i had dreams about cutting my hair and my hair being cut. She told me that wasnt a sign sista, that was an evil spirit trying to get you to cut your hair, to cut your power. I was like, you think? I never thought of a sign as being a negative persuasion. But what she was saying...made me think. And I was like DAMMIT! Foiled again by my subconscious! Eh...hair grows so...no regrets.

She was telling me how she had a friend who was her loctician for years and moved away suddenly, leaving her with no one to care for her hair, since then she has had the worst luck with locticians. Ultimately she decided to do her research and care for her locs on her own.

Coincidentally, this lady and I had the same hair texture, the kind that is difficult to loc because its really soft and fine. Her locs were waist length and she said she still has curls at the ends and some are still a lil loose. I told her how Im still on the fence about growing my locs out again or just letting my fro grow out. The lady was like naw sis, you should grow them out, I think you would look really nice with locs...they would frame your face real nice.

Argh! Now Im all...What do I do? On the one hand...I love locs, but I felt I didnt have that much versatility with mine. What? It wasnt my fault! Ok...I probably didnt put forth the effort to get them "done up" but whatever...not the point. Then there's the fro. My fro was big and outta control and I loved it! But the versatility was a factor as well. Im not a sit in the hair salon kinda lady. Ive been to the salon once in my life. I just dont have the patience for it. Sitting hours on end to get your hair "did" and then the cost is even worse. And I have the worst case of frizz ever. Its not cute. even if I try to do the curly fro...it just spazzes out at the least bit of moisture. Even when I had the relaxer as a kid. my hair was never bone straight. Ugh. (spits at the ground for relaxers) My hair was never relaxed looking. That shyt looked stressed the phuck out.

In the end...the woman had me swayed. Just the way she was open to conversation about it and what she had to say, I really appreciate her input. She wasnt like an evangelist for locs, anything. Ive met those. The ones that think Im goin to some rasta hell for cutting my hair. Umm..yea. Ive met those kinda people. To them...I just walk away mid sentence like "I yam tiyahd of yo mouf oh. Ahh! Shuttup yo mouf! You talky talky too moch, I beg!" This lady was merely pro locs and told me that she had cut her locs 3 times prior and said no more, she has regretted it everytime.'

I plan on doing my research this time before I make the decision. Figure out what methods will work best for the process, what products would work best for my hair condition, the best maintenance...the whole nine. We shall see, there's no rush. But I am getting a lil annoyed with my short fro, not much I can do with it but twist it up and...i dont wanna. Unfortunately the lady that "shaped" my fro for my big chop was cock eyed and cut me crooked. Im rockin the Nipsy Russell (before THE WIZ money kicked in) fro right now.I have different lengths all over. Its not cute when its picked out which is why I opt for the twist and go. I miss the loc days when I could just go!

Im gonna give it a little while to grow but I dont want too much hair to shed. Who knows...just as I picked up a scissors out of no where...I just might get to twisting my mane and cant stop. Im just sayin...

Loc me up and throw away the comb!

3am...

Still unable to sleep, BUT...I think I hav discovered the meaning of life...NOPE! Just delirium. Omg! Am I talking to myself? I AM! Crap! And I just answered myself. ABORT ABORT!

3am...