The Ick Has Arrived

Thank the gods, the old and the new, in the light of the seven and all that jazz. 

There is no fallout. 

Well, there was brief yearning, as hormones made there way through my body over the week and into the weekend. My lazy river of thoughts would circle around the events of sleeping with him when I wasn't engaged in work or something that needed full attention. 

I had brief thoughts pop up questioning why he compliments me, thinks I'm so beautiful, can't believe I'm single, etc., yet doesn't try and date me himself... so he must be lying. Why lie about that? You don't have to say all that, and honestly the way he watches me like a hawk and worships my body, there is no way he doesn't think those things, so why doesn't he act? 

What I am seeking isn’t confirmation that he found me desirable — it’s confirmation that I mattered to him in the same way I allowed him to matter to me.

I care about people that I let into my life, even if they do not deserve it. Most men so far have not, but I do not want to be a shell. I've had a protective coating on myself for so long, so I allow people to matter. The problem comes when I do not hold myself or them accountable for their actions and remove them from my life when I see incongruent, disrespectful, and/or manipulative behavior. 

I have seen Adam. Not all parts, but enough to break whatever spell of yearning and longing he had on me. He is still a charmer, if he reaches out to me when he is next in town and we go out, I'm certain I will have fun. He is surface level. The sex will be fantastic, and that's it. I don't want anything more from him. The version of him I idealized in my head is what I really want in a partner, he is not capable of those actions and behaviors. 

He texted me the following Monday, out of the blue and I was thrown off. I was in a meeting and saw the banner on my phone, it was weird. This is not our standard MO. We have already started the silent game, what is happening? He sent me some photos of his weekend, fishing with his buddy and his buddy's son. He looked handsome-ish for fishing all day, the scenery of the photo was beautiful. We exchanged a few messages and that was it. He was in North Carolina for work that week. 

I got another message later that night, a video... Of him and a buddy smoking cigars in what looked like a garage, blowing smoke to the camera. THE ICK was overwhelming. Who is this man and why am I attracted to him? I was embarrassed honestly, and why are you messaging me this? What is happening? I am confused. I simply responded "Aw boys night" and he said "yes ma'am", and I didn't write him back again. What am I supposed to say? That is not the kind of video I asked for, and cigar smoking is so phallic adjacent, I would have rather you sent me a video of you two doing illicit acts to each other than that. 

So now, as I'm feeling in this moment, I don't think I would respond to him, but he knows the game. Adam knows how to manipulate, to give just enough, to read someone just enough to determine what they need and become that. He also knows that the increased distance and silence between interactions allows for whatever hurt/hormones/feelings to dissipate and people only remember "the good times". The intermittent reinforcement of breadcrumbs of his attention and affections. Adam lacks empathy and accountability, he is not the love story I am looking for. 

I'm tired of not having a love story though. I've gotten really comfortable accepting that it may just never happen for me, and my "great love" will probably just be myself, and that's cool and all, but I don't think it's enough. 

Easy Like Tuesday Morning

My sleep was mediocre. I really hate hotel rooms, I really can't believe I'm going to Adam's hotel room to get absolutely wrecked and have done this multiple times. Now that I'm actually thinking about this logistically, I'm feeling quite cheap. On the flip side, he made a mess of me, and I'd rather a hotel bed and not my sleep setup, so I don't know...

Anyway, he said he needed to be on site early, I said I wanted to leave early to avoid traffic. Neither happened. We both silenced our alarms, in lieu of getting a few more minutes of sleep. He didn't sleep super close to me, but we were slightly touching. He had restless legs, which was really annoying. I had earplugs so I didn't notice the snoring, but... Adam is not a long term partner. 

I think I wrote about this before, he lives for the pleasures of today, not tomorrow. There is no consideration for his future self, it's only what there is now. The poor diet, moderate drinking, cigar smoking, womanizing, avoiding medical treatment. I know there is no future with him. Emotional me is still catching up with my logical side, in the meantime I'm enjoying having sex with him, but that will eventually lose my interest. 

You would think "why are you with this mess of a man?" he doesn't appear like this, he is put together, handsome (at least to me), funny and charming. I've discovered his negatives through simple observation and some conversation. It's not hard to suss out when you work in the healthcare world. 

We had sex again before finally getting out of bed, even without all the foreplay and his extra attentions, the sex is good, great even. I was slightly sore from the night before, but not terribly so. I think I am glad he was only in town for 2 evenings this time. I used the restroom and he showered while I got dressed and packed up my things. I don't remember what we talked about, nothing important. We had our things and he walked me to my car. 

"Let me know when you make it home, traffic looks bad"
Moi: I will, and it does look terrible. Oh well.

We hugged and kissed a bit

Moi: "I hope I see you soon"
Adam: "Oh you will, I may have to play the sabatour today and they will have to call me back sooner than later"
Moi: "Are you speaking French to me? Get back in that hotel room right now, lets go"
Adam: "NO, I'm not, I'm going to sabotage, just sabotage, please I have nothing left"
Moi: "I know that's right"

I left, traffic was absolutely terrible, it took me almost an hour to get home and I couldn't figure out how to turn on my interior console lights, like the buttons. I had to flick on the headlights 😞... I never turn my headlights on since I do not normally drive at night and my day runners have always been enough when I drive around at dusk. I'm such a silly goose 🙃. I've driven my car at night before, it's just been a long time. It was the same deal for my Prius, I guess I just always thought my headlights were on...

Adam ended up texting me almost 15 minutes prior to me making home asking if I got in okay. I appreciate his concern, even if it is just to alleviate his guilt and also a tactic to make women think he cares. What would he do if I were in an accident? The answer is nothing. I do like the consideration either way, it's just that I see it for the rehearsal act it is, not sincerity. 

The detachment is real this time around. It was really weird because I figured he wore a mask, that he was mirroring me most of the time (hindsight), but this time, when we were out at dinner, it was so obvious. It was literally like I watched him put it on and take it off. The stories he told were to entertain me, like he was letting me into his life and that was fine, but I keep going back to the way our conversation flowed and him lacking curiosity about me. Our conversation opened naturally, but there wasn't much inquiry on his side, and when I first mentioned it to Jaime when I was recounting events, she asked how I felt about that, and I said, maybe I am making too much of it, we've gone on quite a few dates so maybe this is just how our conversation has naturally developed.

But no, maybe conversations with my best friends are a rundown of events, but we still share emotional vulnerable moments and ask each other for advise, not just recount stories. We are also sharing details of our day and feelings, that's really what was missing. Was this just male conversation though? IDK.

I am not confused on what we are, I am not hoping we will be anything more than what we are currently. My emotional side that yearns to try and earn his love and affections is catching up, and I think will always try and speak up and whisper to me "do this, try harder", but I am not engaging with nonsense, only hot meaningless sex. 

Howdy Pt. III

We chatted about our horrible road rages on the way back and laughed it up because we were mimicking how we'll be mid conversation and be like "HELLO, WHAT THE FUCK DUDE, so anyway, I told my boss that...", we take out the pent up rage in the car. We got back to the hotel, made sure both our cars were locked, and headed up. 

I put my bag down and organized a few things while he used the bathroom, I was waiting to start my interrogation face to face where I could raise my voice. Adam came out and sat on the bed, patting the side next to him. 

"Did you request this room, specifically?"
Adam: wary "noo, this is just what they assigned me"
Moi: "hmm, interesting, did you notice that your room number is the same as my apartment number?"
Adam: "Oh, no I didn't"
Moi: "I feel like this is a universe coincidence and I don't like the universe fucking with me and these signs, I don't think it's funny, are you doing magic, maybe it's your sex magic affecting me!!"

He just laughed and pulled me in for a kiss but I am serious. I don't like this kind of coincidence and I am really wondering if he is this conniving. But soon I wasn't thinking about anything, so that's better. After, we were laying there and he was talking again about how he is shocked I'm not off the market and the men here don't know how to date. I asked if men in Wisconsin look like him and he said that a lot of us have that look, so I replied that maybe I will move there after all and he told me that he will have to go to Ireland if I move to Wisconsin. Which didn't really make sense until it clicked.

"Why to find another redhead?"
Adam: "exactly"

As if he could make it any plainer that he doesn't want me. I don't understand if this is playfulness, it doesn't make sense to me. If he thinks it's shocking that men are not lined up to date me, he is lucky that I am not seeing anyone and he can take me out, that he poses this fake jealously if I were to move to Wisconsin and find an Adam look-alike, why not just be intentional with me now? He cannot fake his attraction to me, his obsession with my body, his dedication to pleasing me orally, fucking me three times in one night and once again in the morning, he is 44 for fucks sake and has COPD, he practically dies after coming. Yet, he is relentless with me, and a man that is not attracted to a woman isn't doing all that. They are going to get off and get them gone. Not ask them to stay the night, not give unasked compliments, not ask them on dates instead of just trying to get them to their hotel room. 

This is frustrating, but I didn't take the bait. 

"What went through your head when we went out in January and you walked me to my car and you asked if you could take me out again, and I fumbled around saying, "well, yes, but do you want to see more of me tonight, like at your hotel?""
Adam: "hahaha, no thoughts, a breeze went through my head. I was literally just like HOLY SHIT FUCK YES I DO, but that wasn't why I asked you out, but of course I hoped to have you again"
Moi: "did you judge me because I parked at the hotel and had an overnight bag, I planned that"
Adam: "hell no, you were just prepared. With some people I go out with, it's just a waste of time, they are not engaging or interesting, they are a drip. Maybe it's a simple meal and we go back to the hotel and hook up and then I feel like shit about myself. This is not that, if all you wanted was to go out on dates and not hook up, I would gladly take you because I truly enjoy your company, your intelligence and quick wit. You being sexy as hell and letting me touch you is just a bonus..

Shit okay.. I'm going to be vulnerable here, but anyone that I am with just had to understand that I am living my life for me, I spent 10 years in a marriage I didn't want to be in, I was living for someone else's dreams, and I want to live my life on my own terms. I work hard so I can retire in 10 years, I have my side business, I want to vacation, go fishing, smoke cigars and drink whiskey."

I just hummed in response to his statement. What would I say to that? I already told him I wanted more when he was here in January and he did fuck all nothing but tell me "I have nothing to offer you, I'm sick" and that was it. Now, here he is telling me that it's his way or the highway. He is looking for connection without responsibility or accountability and that is not a thing. You say you want to find a sexy redheaded intelligent woman that you have a great connection with, okay I check off all of those, add in the caveat that I'm fucking sex fiend and our physical chemistry is off the charts, but do you truly think an intelligent woman is just going to follow your dreams and not have desires and goals of her own? No. And you are delusional if you think so. 

Honestly, I am the closest he can get to living a nomad lifestyle because I work from home and I am able to be remote from anywhere in the US. I did not say any of that though, why would I? He's offered me nothing but good company for dates and good sex. That's all. 

We started to engage in sex again and he asked to start without a condom, I said no. Oh I wanted him to, badly, but no. I will not cross that line with him. Unless we are in a committed relationship with a current STI test that comes back clean, condoms will always be used. And honestly he travels so much for work, I don't know if I could trust him for a relationship anyways. 

I got ready for bed after, I had brought a pair of pajamas, ear plugs, my eye mask, and of course my mouth guard. We brushed our teeth, I did my skincare and tied up my hair, I had my eye mask on like a headband and I was on the side of the bed putting on lip balm and lotion and Adam commented that I looked beautiful. I said "oh this isn't even my full sleep get up, I usually have my hair in a silk bonnet, since I'm growing it out, and the piece de resistance is my CPAP mask, as I have light sleep apnea"

Adam: "Oh, you have a CPAP? I've wanted to try that"
Moi: "What do you mean, your doctor didn't order one when you were diagnosed?"
Adam: "I didn't go back"
Moi: "I'm sorry, what..?"
Adam: "After I was diagnosed, I didn't go back for any further testing"
Moi: "Adam, seriously, you need to ask for a sleep study, that's one of the first things they will do when treating for COPD, and I can tell you that you do have sleep apnea, just from sleeping next to you, it's probably severe enough to be on BIPAP therapy"
Adam: "What's that?"
Moi: "It's dual or Bi pressure therapy so it inhales and exhales almost, or that's how I understand it. I used to be on that, but now I'm diagnosed with light sleep apnea, I can go without my CPAP, but I prefer not to... Just look into it is all"

I doubt he will. I don't even think he has health insurance, but you can do tests at home and pay out of pocket. I didn't say any of that, it's not my place, even if I was his wife it wouldn't be my place. Honestly, the caretaker/codependent/Healthcare worker in me was SCREAMING most of the time I was with him. He doesn't take care of himself, but it's not my job to tell him to do anything else. He's a grown man, and he has made this whole prophecy of "all the men in my family don't live past 55" thinking he is going to die in 12 or so years, like yeah, at the rate you are going, you would be lucky. 

Anyway, I think he likes the normalcy of me getting ready for bed, as he watches my every move like a hawk. When I tell you he is obsessed with me, or I get that feeling when we are together, I am not kidding. He is always touching me, watching me, making me laugh, or making me moan. Even though I am being detached and reminding myself of what this situation is, if he felt a shift, which I think he did, it hasn't deterred him. Adam is very observant, he even noted that when recalling a story over dinner, something like "I observe people as well, and notice details" (he wasn't talking about me), which does let me know that he probably has a mask just as good as mine. He talks more than me though, but I am uncertain of my tells. Probably facial expressions, I don't really hide those. 

When I got into bed next to him, he wrapped himself around me, pulling me in close for kisses and caressing me again, a predator and his prey. I didn't pull my sleep mask down yet and he asked if it was light tight, which it is, then I had to make a Batman joke and was like no one really cared who I was until I put on the mask, I'm not sure he's seen the Dark Knight Rises unfortunately. It kind of went over his head. Fucking loser! Lol.

We had sex a third time, and god, we just fit together so perfectly, this is really frustrating. Adam is so my type, and I don't experience this often or much at all. I don't know if I ever have been with someone that is this much my type before, and on the flip side, me being his type. But he only wants connection without accountability. 

The sex is the best I've had in my life, but I know it's not the best I'm capable of. That happens when there is emotional safety, trust, and love involved. I am detached from him, but I am not sure if there will be fallout, we will see how things go this week once he is gone and our silent game has started again.

Howdy Pt. II

I didn't stay the night. He asked me as I was starting to doze off if I had my mouth guard with me (why do you remember the most random things about me??), and I said no, as I wasn't planning on staying over. I told him I would plan for that tomorrow though. We made loose plans for the timeframe for our date and then he walked me to my car. I noticed the hotel room number when we exited the room. 

Is the universe fucking for real right now? It was my apartment number. 

Look, I understand coincidences, but Adam and I have had too many. The random summoning (yes, a joke, but it has correlated), the intense connection and similarities, the ease we have with each other, but how dare his hotel room number literally be the number of my home. This, UNIVERSE, is crossing the line. I'm not the biggest "signs" person, but I try to take my gut instincts and things I notice into account, and I was not amused. I mean, I totally was because I was going to ask him tomorrow if he was playing a joke on me, and it will just add to the sex magic mystique. 

I wore an athletic dress I purchased from Old Navy in "Cherry Birch", which is a brick red color and matches my color palette so well. I'm obsessed with everything in this color. The dress hits me mid thigh and has a modest v-neck. I wore it with a chambray shirt and strappy tan sandals. October in Texas is still in the low 90's. The dress shows my legs, which he has admitted he has a weakness for. I haven't worn the dress out yet, and thought this would be a good opportunity anyway.

I packed an overnight bag and met him at the hotel, he was already outside and ready, met me at my car, and walked me to the passenger side of his truck to open the door for me. I brought the bag with us since I didn't want to keep it in my car while we were gone, the hotel is mid range, but near the freeway, really should risk leaving anything visible. 

We chatted about our respected days on the drive, something about one of our past dates came up, the escape room. He had mentioned being impressed with my problem solving and skills at finding things in the room, and made some charming comment and I said something like "you could have fooled me, because you were sweet talking all over the place" and he asked me more about that.

Moi: "Oh come off it, the line you gave to the escape room host about us?"
Adam: "Oh when he was surprised it was only our second date, I think we're really impressive as a couple, we did great in that escape room together, I was very proud of us"
Moi: "I'm not talking about that, and yeah, I thought so as well, but the awwwwww line that you know was straight cheesy"
Adam: "What did I say??"
Moi: "the host asked us if we were from here and you said "she's from here, I live in Houston" and he asked "oh are you here for work, or are you here for Danielle?" and you said "I was here for work, but I think I was actually here for her and didn't know it yet", like COME ON, you had both of us starry eyed with your smooth lines, and then you GHOSTED me for an entire year!"
Adam: "Oh that was smooth, and HEY, we are here now!"
Moi: "yeah, because I fucking swiped right on your ass, when I saw you back on Tinder, but I doubt I would have ever heard from you again if hadn't, what the fuck!"
Adam: "You're right, I just, our dates were so good, too good to be true, and then we had the most amazing sex, and you left. I was going to call you, but my lifestyle... I've been burned before, and I just didn't think you'd want to be burdened with it, so I didn't call. I didn't expect you to even match with me, let alone look like your photos when I matched with you"
Moi: "I gave you no reason to think that"
Adam: "I'm just taking things as they come and seeing where this goes"
Moi: "Well, maybe next time we can try another escape room, one that isn't scary though"

We weren't arguing per say, we've already hashed this out, but I am annoyed about the comments and smooth lines he used at the time. Because yeah, it did seem like he wanted more and the way this "Howdy" encounter has gone leads me to think similarly, but that is what he is saying. His actions now, taking me out on a date, is following through, but fuck I don't know. I'm not putting stock into it, I'm just noting it for the record.

Anyway, I had suggested Pasha, of course my go to. But also, I had a hard workout and wanted something healthy. Adam doesn't really "do healthy", he is a bigger man, barrel chested, very blue collar-esque in my opinion. Our lifestyles are different. He was unfamiliar with Mediterranean food, and I asked if he's had a Gyro and he was like, oh yeah, I like those, so he's had something. That's a starting point. 

We walked into the restaurant and the hostess was very complimentary and greeted us as "hello, lovers", like what is this? Adam stepped closer to me and said "we must look very good as a couple, but I think it's all you", okay sweet talker, I gave him a look, hadn't I just warned him about his smooth lines?? They gave us a back table with a booth side and chair side, I was thinking about the booth before Adam told me "I would like to sit at the booth because it faces the door, if you do not mind... I also get to look at you", like duh, but I do not mind. I prefer this behavior from men, protective. It's such a turn on not having to think. Even with the drive, not having to deal with traffic and feeling anxious because the drivers are so bad and construction is really confusing over there, but I didn't have to worry about it. 

Instead of focusing on being detached, I just had a date, like normal. Like it would be with anyone else. Adam had his stories that he told me about different experiences growing up. I asked about his best friend, who he has told about me. I kind of wanted to ask if he told him he saw me, but I didn't want to seem nosy or lead into anything. I actually just asked how long they've known each other and where'd they meet. While we spoke back and forth sharing things, I noticed he didn't really ask me questions. Thinking back, he would follow up on what I said, but he wasn't starting new conversations, so things were naturally progressing from whatever we shared. I think it's just a different conversation style maybe, then again this isn't a first date, we've been there, done that. I think he is just naturally seeing how things progress when we communicate. 

We talked about the gym, and he asked if I get stared at when I go. "I would literally be in the best shape of my life if I saw you at the gym, I would just set up on the treadmill behind you and stare" like okay. I told him no, that people stare occasionally, but I think it's more because I'm a giant and I look mean than anything else. He told me that I do not look mean at all, and I am wrong about why they are staring. To each their own. (I know I am beautiful, I know my physique is coming along to how I like, but I'm also 43, even if I don't look it since I take care of myself and my skin. I do not seek his validation or comments, but I do appreciate the hype from time to time). 

We talked about our Virgo-ness, how stubborn and exacting we are. I told him "you know, I think we are very similar in certain regard, maybe too much" he found this curious as he merely raised the corner of his brow and mentioned how he's only really strict at work, and I agreed. 

"You'd hate me at work" he said
Moi: "Oh, you'd hate me"
A: "I don't know if that's true, if you are strict and correct at work, I may like that" curious
Moi: "Oh would you now. That's an interesting turn of events"
A: "Well, you are probably not fucking around and that's what I am about"
Moi: "Oh no, I am not fucking around. Do it right with the resources available, there is no excuse"
A: "Ahh, see that's what I'm talking about. I like that"
Moi: "Oh, you like me being strict? Controlling?"
A: "well, at work, sure"
Moi: "Oh, so you're saying if I asked in the right way to bark like a dog for me, you wouldn't?"
Adam: surprised face "Ummm, I don't know, probably not? I mean, I'm a switch, but I, no.. maybe?"
Moi: "Hmm. Yeah, I don't think I could dominate you anyway, you're not a switch to me"
Adam: "How do you know?"
Moi: "I can tell. There's a line I can play with with you, but there is also a fine line that I cannot cross without you putting your foot down"

I really just said the dog part to keep him on his toes, always keep them guessing! Plus, I wanted to see what he would say, he is not dominate in the ways I'm familiar with or like traditional BDSM, maybe a pleasure dom, but he hasn't brought it up. He just seems manly to me. 

Anyway. We finished our meal and left, he opened the truck door and said to me "I was hoping earlier that you would take longer putting your bag in the back there", I looked back at him and pulled my skirt down before getting in. Ass. 

I asked him how old he was when he got married and he told me that story, they had only known each other 3 months before they got married since she got pregnant, but the relationship lasted for 10 years, most of which he was unhappy. He told me he wanted to break up with her after month 2, but had a feeling that she was pregnant and he was waiting for the Tampax box to be opened, and it never was and he was like "fuck", and did the "responsible thing". He asked about my marriage and I told him I was never married, and he seemed surprised until he said "oh, you guys just did everything but basically, because you bought a house together?" and I confirmed. He still managed to mention that he is surprised I'm on the market

Moi: "I'm not dating right now, I don't want to"
Adam: "I haven't been looking for a while either"
Moi: "but I have no demands or expectations of you, just so you know"
Adam: "and I have no demands or expectations of you, I just want to see how things go"

I just gave a hum back, I don't "see where things go" or "go with the flow" when it comes to dating. You want me or you don't, and based on actions over the last year, you don't. Your words paint a different picture, but your actions are all that count. I date intentionally, so if you are not intentionally including and considering me, there is nothing more for me to give than what he has already had access to. There is no deeper level he will get to, and I think that's enough for him, but I know it's not enough for me in the long run. 

I was giving Amanda the run down about it and she responded that she is annoyed he isn't already trying to put a label on things and be with me when things are actually this good between us. We aren't getting any younger, and he is being dumb, especially since he's done all this and he obviously desires me. She advised that if I want to continue, just be detached and have fun, but don't take anything seriously, which she admitted is hard, but she is pissed off on my behalf because "in the back of my mind, I would want something more, and I think you are wanting that too". I don't know anymore. 

Howdy.

"Howdy. How've you been?"

An unexpected text from Adam on a Sunday afternoon in October. I didn't see anything for a while, as his thread is muted and I was busy cooking and listening to an audiobook that afternoon. I am kind of grateful for that, as three hours had passed when I finally looked at my phone and saw missed messages from my other muted threads and this. 

I sat on my couch staring at my screen. Damn. I never thought I would hear from him again, and did I summon him yesterday? I was feeling peak sexual, to a breaking point really. Like I was considering getting back on the dating apps peak sexual. This timing is just too good for this to be a coincidence. Do I want to deal with this again? Can I deal with this again? Can I keep going without intimacy and touch though?

I think I can continue on abstinent, and I could just go get a massage. But I didn't I say previously that it would be nice for him to pop in occasionally for some sex that I know will be great and then go away? Sex always has a fall out for me though...

I responded, we talked, he told me that he would be in San Antonio for a couple days and if my relationship status allowed, he would like to take me out on a date while he was around. I said it allows and I would be up for that, and he asked tonight, tomorrow, or both? I asked when he would get in town tonight and he called me. 

We chatted and caught up a bit, he would be in around 8pm, and offered to take me to dinner, but then confessed he already ate since I hadn't responded to him before, he thought I was blowing him off. He still offered, even if he didn't eat anything and I interrupted him there. 

"Adam, lets not pretend we aren't adults here, why I don't I just go to your hotel instead of fapping about regarding a date. We both know why you messaged me"
Adam: "No, that's not, I mean, yes, I want to, sex with you is amazing, but I do want to take you out on a date. I like being with you, our conversation, and if it leads to sex, great, but that's not why I reached out. I really just want to see you, I legitimately want to take you out"

Well, that's nice, but I want dick. I don't want to pretend anything, or get too attached or hopeful. Just fuck me. So I showered and headed to the hotel. 

I was wearing this black matching set from Old Navy, straight legged stretchy pants, and a cropped cardigan and tank top under that, my figure was very visible, which he loves. I didn't bring an overnight bag, I was not planning on staying over and being cuddly like that, I don't want this to cross the lines. I told myself going into this that this is casual, he is not a boyfriend, this isn't closeness, the physical intimacy doesn't indicate closeness. 

When I saw him, I felt a bit shut down. It was hard to look him in the eye, it wasn't that I was nervous, I think it was the hurt I experienced from him. I was happy to see him, but also shy I suppose, and I think the hurt would have been visible if I met his eyes for some reason. 

We walked up to his room and he showed me some photos of when he was in Canada and we were cuddled close looking at the pictures and just connecting. After a moment, he put it away and he kissed me, pulling back and saying

"When I saw you getting out of the car, I just, holy fuck. You look so much better than I remember, you're so feminine and your body is so perfectly curvy. You make me nervous, you are so beautiful"

He was very complimentary, as per usual. Calling me perfect, beautiful, gorgeous. The sex was insanely good, and although I felt him touching me, it almost felt like I had a layer of saran wrap over me. There was a layer of disconnection for me. I didn't attach to him, I wanted him, but not the whole, not more than what he was giving. We laid there after and he was caressing my body and playing with my hair, which he also complimented.

We talked between sessions, and I asked him if he got my sex magic SOS from yesterday, and I explained my peak sexual day, and he was like "oh yeah, I did get that, it must have broke the machine I'm here to repair". I love our inside joke about my witchy-ness. I gave him shit about not hearing from him for so long, and he was like "well, you never texted me when you were in Houston" and I told him I haven't been, and I wouldn't think if I was in Houston, he would be there at the same time, which he said was a fair assumption. 

He told me that he was here in July and considered reaching out, but the job was actually in Austin and he came down here just for the afternoon and had to go back up that night, so he didn't have a full evening here to take me out and it was the middle of the day so it would be him taking me to lunch, "I didn't want to bother you during the day, I know you work from home, and didn't think you could get away". I told him that I am salary, and I can pretty much do what I want if I don't have a meeting scheduled, and that can usually be worked around if I have a heads up. He acknowledged that now that he knows, he would keep it in mind. 

I just don't understand if he is so obsessed with me and my body, he expresses our sexual compatibility is off the charts, he likes being around me and talking, he thinks I'm so beautiful and he was even surprised I swiped right on him to being with, as he didn't think I would, why he doesn't do anything more about it. I understand that I am giving him what he actually wants (sex), but I do think that I could just go on a date with him and go home and he'd be just as satisfied. 

I told him that you Midwestern boys seem to love me, but these Texan men do not. He responded that he thinks these Texan men are absolutely stupid, fucking stupid, and he is shocked that I am still on the market and there isn't a line of men waiting in the wings to date me. I told him that I wouldn't know at this point because I'm no longer dating. He questioned it and I just said it wasn't worth the hassle for me anymore, I really just don't want to and I haven't been on the apps in months. 

Anyway, we had a loose date planned for dinner the next night. What's nice about seeing him so far apart is that he confirmed any changes in my body, I told him I think I've lost and kept about 10 pounds off since I've seen him and he guessed the same and while I said that I thought most of the loss was from my breasts, he said from his perspective it was from my midsection, which is nice to hear. He also thinks my butt looked a bit rounder, which made me glad. The glute routine I do is a lot of work and it hasn't had a lot of visible payoff, but I know I built some solid muscle. I also just happen to have a very hourglass figure, so the extra fat or tissue on my butt and hips hides a lot of the muscle growth I've gained.

I did not tell him I wanted him beyond when he was actually inside me and I was dirty talking. I did not express wanting anything more than he was giving, I did not have any emotional outbursts or loss of composure. It was detached sex, and honestly, it could have been so much better. I think that time was probably some of our best sex together, which is saying something, but I know I have much stronger orgasms in me that he cannot lure out because of the detachment. I feel like access to those is only when trust, safety, and love are in the mix, and I am glad my best is being guarded, but I hate that my most intense connection and genuine felt attraction is to a man that only says he wants me. 

Glute Camp

Unfortunately the steroid shot in my knee I spoke about earlier in the year only lasted about 5 weeks. I am kind of surprised that it wore off so quickly, I am not sure if this is a metabolism thing or my knee is just absolute shyt. However, I'm very active, especially after surgery and only being able to walk, I was ranging around 12k steps a day so I suppose that had some impact on longevity. 

I made an appointment at the 3 month post injection mark, and my ortho did not want to give me another shot because I would become "dependent" on them, and I was annoyed. I know he is right, but come on. He suggested I keep doing the bullshit I am doing, ice/heat, and I come back in 6 months for another scan. I suggested physical therapy and he agreed, saying it "wouldn't hurt" and submitted an order. 

I'm almost halfway through 12 weeks of PT appointments. I go once a week and the therapist told me we are focusing on increasing glute strength, primarily, but also hamstring and quad strength to help alleviate pressure/weight on my knee joint. After talking to him over the weeks, and getting to the nitty gritty, there is no other end option but joint replacement, BUT it can be deferred, which is my ortho's goal as well. 

I've had a lot of injuries to my right knee. I remember as a teenager falling on ice and slamming so hard on the right knee, I could barely bend the joint, the bruising was violently purple, and of course my mom didn't deem it necessary I go to the doctor. Since then it's always been what I would call "creaky". Didn't help tearing my meniscus back in the day either, so I don't have much membrane to work with. My weight loss has helped tremendously of course. I cannot believe I did the activities I used to do at my old weight (like hiking Pinnacles National Park).

Anyway, as I mentioned, I'm about halfway through my prescribed therapy and it's pretty cool, I have been wanting to focus on glutes as I feel my ass is flat or deflated with my weight loss, and I always have a hard time firing from my glutes anyway. Therapy has been eye opening, and I learned how much I seriously underutilized my glutes when lifting, and now I train them 3x a week (1/3 days is including my therapy day), with exercises that are not barbell squats, which I really never plan to do again frankly. 

I am not going to see a night/day difference, but I can tell a difference in my stride and stance already. My knee fatigues less and less each week when I'm out and about. The joint is also not burning at the end of the day, that was something waking me up each night, feeling like my knee was on fire when I was literally just laying down. 

It is kind of frustrating that the doctor didn't recommend PT himself and I had to ask, but I'm glad I did. For the last two sessions we've done blood flow restriction (BFR) treatment exercises and they fucking suck, but are so effective. I am only doing leg extensions and curls with them and you do them in a set of 30-15-15-15 and it seriously feels like your muscles are ripping apart, like each set is a last rep set on the heaviest weight kind of thing. He did recommend I look into investing in a machine to use for my own recovery as I would likely see the most benefit from that and I am looking into it. It's about a $500 investment, which is pricy, but not out of reach. 

My therapist also mentioned platelet therapy, which is more experimental and not generally covered under insurance, but then hinted about medical tourism to get that done at a good cost. He told me that his mom did it for her hip and was able to defer a hip replacement for a couple years. 

It's not that I want to have a joint replacement, but more that I know it will need to be done and I would rather have it done while I'm younger and can recover quickly and still enjoy the things I want to do. I don't have dreams of hiking up the sides of mountains, but I would like to be able to hike Arches National Park, or even just spend a day sightseeing without debilitating pain and be down for 3 or so days after. They have both told me that the replacement only lasts about 20 years, so it is likely I would have to have it replaced a second time in my lifetime, so I get it. I am used to pacing myself at this point, and have recently invested in some Brooks, which have been very worth it. 

I'm glad to have a knowledgable physical therapist that actually challenges me, and we are not doing little baby exercises. Some are more easy on me, like lunges on a bosu, but I don't lunge at all due to the motion locking out my joint. I can position myself into a deep lunge, or actually the yoga position crescent lunge, where your back leg remains straight, I prefer that. I am hoping to see some noticeable glute gains as well, I'm certainly putting in the work for it. 

A New Suitor, hahaha

My misgivings on dating apps have been reaffirmed. I tried Hinge for a couple weeks, maybe had a single conversation, but the algorithm quickly "hot or not"'s you and puts you in your place. I am not an Instagram baddie, I don't even know how to use contour and never really want to learn. I prefer to invest in taking care of my skin than having a lot of makeup (no judgement to anyone who loves makeup, I just don't like the feeling on my face). I could probably improve my posing or at least set up a tripod to take photos instead of relying on mirror selfies, but oh well. Apparently, I am in the "not" category of "hot or not". 

Which I think is bullshit because I think I'm quite beautiful and I've dated plenty of men of different backgrounds who have commented this and maybe it was just to try and butter me up (only worked with 1 man), but in my experience, men will not use the term "beautiful" to describe a woman they don't think as such, they use "cute" instead. But whatever, it's my opinion that matters. 

All that to say, the algorithm's are really terrible, I get that the apps are to keep people single, would they really make money if that weren't the case? They really do make you feel terrible about yourself. I think I'm pretty much done, especially after the last experience.

I deleted Hinge and went to Bumble. I had a good amount of dates from Bumble, and all the guys were actually looking for something serious, so although I don't really care for the app, oh well. I was able to see more people. Hinge will keep you behind a paywall pretty much right away, that is also applicable with Bumble, but not as enforced. After about a week or so, I matched with Thomas.

I was attracted to his photos, and he is 6'5! Although I was a little skeptical, as his bio and other things written were very relationship centered and asking about attachment style. I get skeptical when men approach with therapy speak as that, like all things, gets frequently weaponized to manipulate. Although, it's pretty tough to manipulate me at this point. It's more me vs. me, will I cross my own boundaries for someone? The answer is frequently no at this point... I learned a lot after this second go around with Adam earlier in the year, I don't like repeating lessons.

However, he had no full body photos. I usually will pass on guys like this since it is likely they are very big and hiding. Also, that would not fly if you were a woman. BE REALISTIC. But, I decided to take a chance and we had some great conversation. After a few days he politely asked for my number, and it was shortly after that he asked me to dinner on the weekend. I agreed and we went to Pasha, of course. My first date destination. Although we went to a location I haven't been to, technically there are only 3 in the city. This ended up being my least favorite. 

The date went really well, we are very on the same page when it comes to what we bring to a relationship emotionally/mentally and had some good exploring conversations. However, he is very overweight. As someone who was much bigger I am very sensitive to this. I have really worked on my own internal fatphobia, but it did bring up my own feelings of being in a bigger body and living that headspace. He had mentioned that he was 'working on it', which is what I would always say as well, but I digress. He admitted he lost weight at the beginning of the year, and then moved to a new place and things fell off and he gained it back. 

I was conflicted, but wanted to explore the connection, so I mentioned that I would like to see him again, and he agreed. He has his daughter 50% of the time, so every other week, and it would be a week between dates, and he was going to travel for work. We left things open, and continued to text while he traveled and the following week. 

The issue I started having is that he started to love bomb me. I don't think his intent was malicious, but either way, I know he was excited and really liked me, this was very clear. It was just a lot. I don't like to move fast (only with toxic men, heyyyyy 🤦‍♀️), I don't need good morning/night texts, an easy check in every other day or daily is perfectly fine. Knowing you are there and open to conversation is great, a planned phone call once a week, excellent. Honestly, the way that Steve dated me was perfect. We didn't see each other a lot due to him living in North Austin, but he kept the connection easy and light when we were apart and used intentional time during our phone calls and dates to get to know me.

It was just a lot of complimenting and how I make him feel good, and etc., etc. (WHOA DEJAVU, crazy that I am feeling I've already typed that and was going to explain how him expressing all his feelings was love bombing because I had a thought (a thought within a thought), that someone would say it's not when it really is... anyway). It's coming on very strong, and I get being excited, but it caused me to be completely turned off and avoidant. I let some space grow between messages, stating I don't like to get very intense and into deep conversations when texting and that is better left for in person conversation and he seemed to get the message.

That weekend he asked me out for the next weekend, since he had his daughter, and he said that I hope I didn't feel bad since he hadn't asked yet, and he didn't mean for it to get that far between dates, but he is not used to planning so far ahead. I mentioned that I did not feel bad, and I would have said something after the weekend if he hadn't asked, but appreciated the explanation. 

We went to a movie and dinner after. I wore the denim mini dress from Old Navy, and it is so cute! Although it is perfectly fitted across my shoulders and bust, the skirt does flare out a bit and is not as fitted. I think I will have it tailored at the end of the year when I am close to or at my goal weight. Maybe they can make it a touch longer, as I am still a bit uncomfortable with shorter dresses (I did wear bike shorts under, I don't care). 

We were going to see the new Jurassic Park, and he offered because he knew I was a fan of the OG JP, but I said the new one was probably terrible and he agreed and was open to see something else, so I suggested F1. Such a good movie, although Brad Pitt is an abusive piece of shit, but what else is new. Great soundtrack as well, the F1 theme is on my new gym playlist. We then went to get Thai food (my choice, at his prompting). 

The date went well, but my body was cueing me that I was not interested and it was hard to tell in the moment. I am not so in sync with my body real time, I just kind of avoided giving reciprocal body language, essentially my body language was given off "I'm not interested/attracted to you". That was discovered later in the evening when I thought about the date. I really need to work on this with myself, trusting the cues my body gives off, but first being able to decipher them. 

We did text after and I talked to my girlfriends about it, Thomas treats me the way I would want to be treated in a relationship, and it's not that I'm not attracted to him at all, but I am concerned about someone who says they want to lose weight and don't put any action into place. I am past that in my own journey, and I will NOT gain weight. I will NOT go backwards. I had such horrible self worth during that time, I never want to be back in that place. It would be different if he was already putting in the work, but he isn't. And I like and am attracted to bigger/huskier men, but this was beyond that. 

I felt guilty, and a bit shallow, I've dated ugly men (Chris was dogshit ugly for real, and was about 40-50 pounds heavier in his photos than IRL) and were into them. Thomas was a really good guy, and had a lot of things I am looking for in a partner, but at the end of the day, attraction is just as important, and there wasn't enough there. There was also a misalignment in his words and actions, and lets not forget he hid himself in his profile, so he knows to use this manipulation tactic to at least get on a date with a woman. 

Women are told to look past a man's poor appearance and poor lifestyle choices, men don't do that. I don't need to do that, I am not asking for anything from a man that I don't already provide myself. 

However, I was in my PMDD phase, so I wanted to give things a bit more time. I try to not make big decisions during my luteal phase, they are often skewed. But, the internal conflict was not necessary at the end of the day. We ended our conversation on Saturday night (the day of the date) in a good place, he said he was feeling secure and he had a great time. He didn't initiate texting on Sunday, and I had initiated on Saturday, when it should have been him confirming our date, I was already annoyed about his lack of initiative, so I didn't say anything. When noon rolled around, I figured he was testing me and my interest. I didn't say anything as I was already thinking about ending things and would send a message before I went to bed, I don't ghost people.

Right at 8pm I got a "it's not you it's me" text:

"Hey.. sorry for the late message today.  I’ve had a lot on my mind. I think I’ve come to the decision I do t want to pursue this farther. Please let me out your mind at ease and tell you that it’s not you at all.  You’re amazing and I hope so much that you find what you’re looking for.  I think I’m still too comfortable being on my own…and I’m not able to give you the time and effort you definitely deserve.   I hope you find your partner Danielle and I did enjoy this time we spent getting to know eachother."

I do not think he would have sent that text if I had initiated messaging on Sunday, I believe he was testing my interest and allowing me to chase him, which I do not do. So, I was kind of surprised to read that, but I assume he picked up on my body language, or didn't like something I said during our date. I was kind of ADHD-ing the conversation at points, but oh well. Or maybe it was his own insecurities, there was some instances during the date that were kind of obvious of conflicting lifestyles and that's all I'll say about it. I unmatched him and responded with:

"Okay, thanks for letting me know. I hope you find what you’re looking for when you’re ready for it. Good luck out there."

I shortly after deleted my Bumble because I really didn't want to be on there anymore. However, the following day I saw his profile on a different dating app I was on, and his pictures (besides one) were all different, older, and possibly taken with the TikTok camera upon my observation. Again, no full body photos and then when describing your body type he had the audacity to say "a little extra". A LITTLE EXTRA? I am not good at gaging weight IRL, and I won't here because I think it's rude, but be so fucking for real right now. There was more room in the bio to write about yourself, and it was basically a profile meant to lure me in, everything I'm interested in and want, but I was so irritated. 

You are intentionally misleading people, I am attracted to the guy in the photos, but that person does not exist, that doesn't look like him in real life, that is manipulation, it is deceit. I'm so tired of this. Men will either deceive you with words, or are intentionally misleading about how they look just to get access to you and I'm done. I'm done with this. Why is it up to women to be the ones to hold boundaries to wait for men to show you who they are, I can't act on emotions or be "caught up in the moment" because you are taken advantage of and ghosted, then left with the emotional fallout. There is no accountability on men being better, and I understand there will always be women open to poor treatment by men just to get picked, but what the fuck. I'm tired. 

I promptly deleted that app and for now, I just don't want to deal with them. I am currently just dealing with the exit of him in my day to day life (no more excitement from getting a text and learning about someone new), which is annoying in and of itself. Then I'm again confronted with the thoughts of there being no life partner out there for me which really sucks, but what else is new. 

The apps seem to make things easier, but in reality, nothing is easier. Then you hear stories like "I tried the apps one more time and met my now fiancé within 24 hours" and it's like, oh maybe I should try again, and that's the loop. Constant disappointment, forever and always.