Counsellor_sheeca

I’m a mother of a 21-year-old, and I’ve spent the week gone by, driving my girl up and down to her college to write her exams. Our drives have been filled with conversations of here and there, we spoke and shared our thoughts on topics like lifestyle changes during Covid times, relationships, peer pressure, lack of not finding the right boyfriend, sex, being body positive, work life balance, the day to day challenges of life, sang our gut out, got into many small arguments and so much more.

Today whilst enjoying a lazy day, I was reminiscing about me in my 20s. Got into a comparison mode with my daughter, the challenges I faced in my early adult life and most importantly the relationship I have shared with The mother.

To my dismay, there was not one instance where I found myself having the same manner of relationship with The mother, akin to which I currently share with my daughter. It got me all worried!  Was I over thinking and forming judgements?  Was something wrong in my parenting style or The mother’s parenting style? Was I over indulging myself in negativity over past memories?

While educating myself to become a counsellor, I did have to learn and unlearn various theories and opinions I had about close & social relationships.  But then again in my defense, I’m human with a multitude intertwined emotion and therefore I’m eligible to have these bouts of self-doubt.

So, I combed the internet relentlessly for half a day to find answers to this doubt that was making me restless, and thought why not share!!

AN UNVAILABLE PARENT…. How and why did I come up with this conclusion??

Signs:

1. The mother is a different person at home and in a social set up. She is a diva outside and when at home kind of strict hostel matron! I recollected what a friend of mine had shared about his father: my father is always smiling, laughing, witty and so full of life outside the house, and when at home he starts yelling or just ignores me. I feel so hurt even now!! Well thankfully my mother is not the yelling type. She keeps to herself, no unnecessary laughing or loud conversations at home and yeah, she will avoid all conflicts or uneasy conversation in stoic silence.
2. The mother does not believe in the concept of touch. I don’t ever, never remember being hugged or kissed or just stroked to sleep by her as a child forget during my teens or when I became a mother. I remember running away to neighbor’s/ friend’s houses because I felt more loved and welcomed by their moms. Must admit though my dad was always my go to person the minute he was home.
3. I’ve never heardThe mother ask me how I’m feeling (emotionally). The emotional wheel which is full of vocabulary is totally alien to her. I am a dramatic person (now realized it’s called being an attention seeker) and my mom loved playing the nurse or judge. I used to have loads of shenanigans up my sleeve to get her attention, would burn my hand, would constantly suffer with an ear ache, I would over eat and fall sick, not inform her my whereabouts so that someone, anyone please fuss over me. Alas I was always reprimanded and told not to behave needy. The times I fell sick she would be the perfect nurse-Red Cross would have loved to have in their team. The needier I got, the more detached she was and as I grew older, I was told not to behave weak-minded
4. Loads of social etiquettes to be followed. The list of don’ts never ended. NO was the got-to word in my house!! I had to look the prettiest, I had to be the smartest, have the best of the manners, not talk much in public, be miss goody two shoes everywhere. Not a day went by when in her company I was not complimented and she never felt short of that accomplishment. I was never asked if I liked being so? Never was I asked if I was comfortable in those clothes or in the company of the social circle I was introduced to. The friends I’ve made later in life are frowned upon by her tsk tsk-because we are so deliciously untamed.
5. For a long time, I considered The mother to be my best friend and confided in her many a conflicts or uncomfortable situations I would put myself in. Realized that she never heard me out, she was switched off even before I started sharing, I had lost her totally when I started bawling away. The mother was already making up words/ sentences to distract me and move on to the to do list of responsibilities I was supposed to have, maintain and follow!! In the bargain, the amount of self-doubt corals I built inside me would put the Great Barrier Reef Corals into self-doubt.
6. My early adult hood suffered due to the lack of boundaries or the lack of independence my mother maintained. The minute I even started the first sentence of a complaint or a share of a tricky situation that bothered me, that’s it…. The mother would jump into it heads on and finish the task for me or deal with the situation herself.  No mentioning it any more or to any one, no discussions on it please, move on keep going with utmost determinations to the next activity in life! I was asked to brush up on Common sense, learn ways to be street smart and much to her dismay I was perpetually confused where to find it. Ta da, I found books at a certain stage in life and I developed a needy greedy bond with them.

Few realizations dawned on me, while reading up literature about unavailable parents. There is enough and more written about it, stories published by children who have been in this journey and these are my bits.

1. These parents themselves were product of unavailable parents.
2. Learning to be emotionally intelligent was not part of their school or social curriculum.
3. They have unresolved conflicts within them and most times are at loss how to deal with it.

I’m glad through my Sunday brooding and curiosity I got some insight into my relationship with The mother and the scars I’ve carried around – first out of ignorance and second by delaying in seeking help to free me out of the self-doubt corals.

They say writing is a good exercise to purge out deep rooted conflicts and this write has been one!

Phew, Enough for now! With this insight I’m determined to peruse an empathetic and compassionate relationship with The mother.

Investing in some quality, chatty time with her!!