This week’s reflection is centred around goal-setting. I know for some that can be an exciting topic, and for others, well, let’s just say it can bring up some stuff. With that said, we are one month into the new year, and it’s typical to set goals and intentions — resolutions, as it were. I spoke about this in the last article, specifically regarding the importance of preparation: the how.

Over the years, I have spent a lot of time working with students, clients, and myself around this topic. Goal-setting is often something many people know about but are also very resistant to. This resistance is often the result of goal-setting being commonly used in corporate and scholastic settings, which have left a bad taste in the mouths of many.

In a corporate setting, it’s often jargon. The use of “SMART” goals is all too familiar. Leadership gets you pumped up to use this strategy, only to whack you with it — like a stick — when you fall short.

In school, goal-setting was brought up, and I don’t know about you, but I truly had no clue what made the concept important. It was just another school project that I did poorly in. Yes, some part of that was my struggles in school as a whole, and I also believe that the value of setting intentions and goals was poorly delivered.

I have found that I am not alone in this. When the time comes to teach the goal-setting component to my coaching students, there is quite often a collective shudder at the thought. This typically leads to a very rich discussion and discovery that many feel the same, but that there is a common thread.

Goal-setting, for many, has been a difficult experience, leading to limiting beliefs. What I commonly hear is: There’s too much pressure. Or, It’s wrong to put deadlines. Also, Setting a goal is just another thing for me to fail at. And, They never seem to work. Whatever the thinking may be, the theme is a limiting belief that keeps most from seeing the wonderful potential that a well-thought-out goal can achieve.

Most people have heard of the “SMART” goal technique — an acronym designed to bring structure to goal-setting: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Based. When it was introduced in 1981 by George T. Doran for corporate management, it was no doubt a game-changer.

The challenge is that when this model is applied to everyday life, something essential is often missing. Structure alone doesn’t account for values, emotional motivation, or the internal resistance many people experience. Without those elements, even well-defined goals can quietly fall apart — especially outside of corporate environments.

I would like to offer a goal-setting tool — or model, if you will — that may help address what seems to be missing, based on my work with students and clients in the coaching world.

Similarly, I’ve used an acronym that I hope will be easy to remember and that captures the ultimate goal: T.H.R.I.V.E. Because that is what I genuinely hope for everyone — to thrive in whatever way makes sense to you. And because I believe goal-setting can be a powerful contributing factor, I decided to combine the two.

T — Target

Having a clear target in focus is the first step. Know where you want to go, what the desired outcome is, and the details of your target goal. Be sure that the goal is yours. Far too often, people set goals that were never theirs to begin with — based on external influence or internal pressure.

This goal is yours. Own it, and keep a clear target in sight. The simple act of setting a target reinforces motivation. A target gives direction, and direction inspires a sense of purpose.

H — How

My previous article focused entirely on this part of goal-setting. Suffice it to say, I think it’s important — possibly the most important… well, nearly.

The how refers to how you will actually do the thing. It’s not enough to state what you will do; you must be clear on how you will do it. This is one of the most commonly overlooked aspects of goal-setting. Once a target is established, it’s easy to want to jump straight in without a clear plan. This often leads to giving up when the first obstacle appears.

Having a target is the first step; the next is considering how you will close the gap between where you are now and where you want to be. This includes considering not only what could go right, but also what could — and likely will — go wrong.

Preparation includes practical considerations such as time, finances, tools, and resources, as well as personal factors like limiting beliefs, unhelpful habits, and thinking patterns. In other words, it’s about accounting for all the ways you will need to approach this goal, including all the ways you might mess it up.

This stage is a divergent space for thinking — considering all options, no matter how unrealistic. This helps bring forward new perspectives and ideas.

R — Refine

The previous step is where divergent brainstorming takes place; this step is where convergent selection happens. Allow space for all possibilities to surface, then begin refining the list.

Weigh the pros and cons. Consider what works best with your current skills, what support you may need, and what resources you have available.

Add a timeline at this stage — not as a punitive deadline, but as another guiding target. Timelines help maintain momentum and motivation. For many, time limits add stress because they are associated with consequences. This is not that. This is for your use only and can be adjusted as needed. Move it closer if you can achieve it sooner, or extend it if you need more time — just be honest with yourself.

Refine until you have something you can realistically manage and that begins to excite you.

I — Implement

This is the do-the-darn-thing stage. Take the first step, knowing that things may not go according to plan — and that’s okay. Observe what works and what doesn’t. New information will emerge either way.

If it doesn’t work, revisit the plan with that new information. If it does, celebrate the win and move forward.

V — Values

You may recall my reflection on values from a while back. I describe values as a guiding beacon — markers that remind you where your path is. Life becomes clearer when we are aligned with our values. Decision-making simplifies, and when we veer off course, our values help light the way.

This is no different with goals. Being aware of your values means checking in with them throughout every step of the process. When your goals align with your values, they help you stay committed regardless of the challenge.

E — Emotional Motivation

Take a moment with this goal. Pause and reflect. What does it feel like to accomplish it? Name the emotion.

If this goal truly matters to you, emotion will be present. Ask yourself: What does this give me? How does this improve my life? More energy? More time with loved ones? Greater peace? Coversley, ask yourself, what happens if I stay the same, if I don’t accomplish this goal?

Alignment with values and emotional motivation are the most powerful drivers for staying on track.

For my wife, it was her art.

She is a beautiful artist. When we had our children together, she lost touch with her art. She, like so many parents, began to believe that, as a parent, she no longer had access to such things. We sat and had a discussion about this.

The discussion came because she had grown rather down, not necessarily unhappy, but heavy, ya know? Fighting every urge, in my husband mind, to offer solutions and fixes for the issue, I listened and asked what art did for her. She said it was like her therapy. As a therapist, I understood immediately that this was more than art; it is her self-care, her choosing of self. I asked what happens if nothing changes? “ I stay bloppy,” she said, that’s her word for feeling down and frumpy.

She looked at her two options: self-care, therapy and happiness as opposed to, well, staying bloppy. Once she gained clarity for herself, what she stood to gain and what would happen if she stayed the same at an emotional level. She found the motivation to do whatever it took to carve out some space.

It started as a small table that could be pulled and put away as needed, and it started as 20 minutes here and there. As time went on, it became a full section of our home and time whenever she chose, often for hours at a time. What began as a small table and short sessions grew into a dedicated space, creative freedom, a children’s book, sold artwork and dedicated self-care and choosing of self.

All this to say: know your why. Know your emotional motivation, and it becomes very hard to stand in your own way.

“V” and “E” appear at the end of this model, but they should be present from the very beginning. Every step can — and should — be revisited. Even with preparation and alignment, plans fall through, resources change, life happens, and mistakes occur.

Learn from them. Adjust. Realign. Try again.

The journey is long and often messy. Remember — you don’t have to do it alone.

Until next time, dare to mess it up. Dare to fail forward.
Ciao

I’m just going to say it: New Year’s resolutions don’t work — haha. There, I said it.
Okay, okay… they don’t typically work, but they can.

The new year is here. It’s common, if not tradition, to consider all the ways we will have a better year. This year will be my year! we proclaim. New year, new me! New Year’s resolutions are very common, and it’s fair to say why. Of course you want to change — in fact, you should. If we are actively participating in this thing called life, then finding ways to improve, to become the next evolution of ourselves, makes sense. Resolutions, intentions, motivation to change, kicking unhelpful habits and behaviours — all of it makes sense.

The end of the year often brings a need for rest and nourishment. The beginning of the new year often prompts a need for change. This is normal throughout the ages. From culture to culture, the new year means a new you in some form or another. Motivation is high, the drive is palpable. You are truly inspired to do the darn thing!

And if you are anything like me, you also know that a few months — maybe even a few weeks — down the road, the old you returns. Ideas of the new you fade. Perhaps shame takes over, and back into that loop you go.

Perhaps this year the change can be different. Perhaps how you change is what needs to change.

Stick with me here — but what if the issue is that you don’t really know how to change? I mean, sure, you get the obvious stuff. You know what the outcome looks like. But do you know what it takes to get there? Or how to get there?

It’s normal — even common — to claim what you want to accomplish and then set off trying to accomplish it, only to find it’s not sustainable for whatever reason. At that point, it becomes all too easy to revert back, or to find yourself already doing the things that really don’t serve you anymore.

In this reflection, I want to share what is often the most common cause of failed resolutions and goals — something I’ve discovered is true not only for clients, but for myself as well. What I share here can help you not just set an intention, goal, or resolution, but also stick with it and achieve the outcome you most desire.

I won’t mislead you by calling this foolproof or guaranteed. This isn’t “three easy steps to realizing your resolution.” But I will say that this has worked — and does work. And it really will depend on you.

Let’s Start With an Exercise

First, name what it is you want to work on this year. What is the New Year’s resolution you’ve chosen? Is it quitting smoking? Getting to the gym more? Getting out into the world more, making new friends, or working your bliss more?

Take a moment to write down what your thing is.

Now, you might be thinking of this for the first time right now. For others, this is the part you’ve already thought about but find yourself unable to see through. What comes next is what is often overlooked when setting intentions, goals, or resolutions.

I’m using different terms for the same thing because many of us have different relationships with different words. For example, if I say goal setting, how many of you get a little squirmy? Maybe even resistant — because that term gets used in school or corporate settings and often comes with punitive consequences for not reaching said goals.

For others, the term resolution is sticky because of how often it’s used this time of year. It can feel cliché, like the thing-you’re-supposed-to-do. Maybe it even feels disingenuous. Even intention setting is thrown around a lot and can seem trendy, like a social media buzzword.

I’m naming this because — believe it or not — your relationship with words, and the conscious or unconscious beliefs you hold about being the kind of person who uses them, might be the first hurdle you need to overcome. At the first sign of an obstacle on your way toward your intention, goal, or outcome, you may fall back on things like, “Resolutions are stupid anyway,” or “I never agreed with goal-setting once it became corporate jargon.”

Can I be blunt here? You’ve got to get over that.
Sorry to say it like that — but they’re just words you’ve given meaning to, and that meaning is now feeding your limiting beliefs.

I genuinely want you to find success here — whatever that looks like for you. And a big part of that is naming and taking accountability for how you may have been getting in your own way. If you’re a little butthurt reading this, I get it. You can choose to stop reading now — or you can choose to acknowledge that I might have hit on something meaningful. It’s your choice, and that’s exactly what I meant when I said the outcome would depend on you.

With that said, let’s get back to what many people overlook when setting goals and resolutions.

With inspiration and motivation, we step out to accomplish the challenge that has so often eluded us in the past — bright-eyed and eager, with a this time it’ll work mindset. I know this all too well, and sometimes I even stick with it longer than usual.

It’s usually at the first sign of adversity that we’re dissuaded. Or when something challenging happens in life, we fall back and say, Now’s not the time. I would, but I’m exhausted. I would, but other things are more important right now. It’s the time, the money, the and, and, and…

All of which may be very real reasons — or excuses. And all of which are inevitable. In other words — and if I may be blunt again — these derailments are common occurrences when we are actively participating in this thing called life. Money, time, and misfortune are inevitable.

So what does that mean? It means it’s not enough to proclaim your intentions for all to hear. It’s not enough to feel inspired and motivated — although that is necessary. You must also prepare.

While you’re clear on what’s important to you, and while motivation is still sky-high, it’s crucial to establish the how alongside the what. The what is the desired outcome. The how is the plan.

The what is the easy part. Understanding how you’ll move toward accomplishing it is the challenging part.

It’s in mapping the how that we begin exploring all the ways we can accomplish this exciting new version of ourselves — and also, with rigour, all the ways we can and will mess it up.

Life will get in the way. You won’t have the time. You won’t have the money. This might be a hot take, but life isn’t about avoiding challenges or ignoring discomfort. It’s about acknowledging that challenges happen and recognizing that we can still advance in some form, even when we don’t know what’s coming. We can’t predict obstacles — but we can learn to pivot when they arise.

In the restaurant industry, there’s a term: mise en place, which essentially translates to “everything in its place.” If you’re new to the kitchen, it means ensuring everything you need for service is ready. The fridge is stocked with backups. The line is topped up. Tongs, towels, knives — all where they need to be.

Those who’ve spent time in the weeds know that mise en place is more than just physical preparation — it’s a philosophy. When service hits full throttle, you don’t know what’s going to be thrown at you, figuratively or literally. Hungry humans can be cranky. Some kind, some not so kind. In the back, a batch of bread gets burned, a cambro of sauce gets dumped, the prawns are off and now your most popular dish is 86’d. An unexpected tour bus breaks down nearby. The game is on. You’re already booked solid. Your backup prep person calls in sick. And your top cook took the day off because they just went ahead and had a baby — how dare they.

Mise en place means knowing it’s all going to happen — and preparing anyway. With a solid prep list, the right crew, and a good supply of Band-Aids and coffee, you can survive service, clean down, restock, and do it all again tomorrow.

In other words, we don’t run a restaurant just knowing we need to put food on the table. We prepare for what we hope will go well and for what we know — without knowing — will go wrong.

(Just pausing here to acknowledge any anxiety I may have stirred up for my restaurant friends.)

All of this is to say: preparation is a crucial component of any resolution, intention, or goal — whatever language you prefer. If you’re going to try something new, take the time to understand the how along with the what.

When we skip this and jump straight into doing, we often turn back at the first obstacle instead of recognizing that the roadblock is not only normal, but part of the process. When we embrace the philosophy of mise en place, we also embrace the idea that when things go sideways — when we’re in the juice — we’re actively reinforcing our strengths by pressing forward and finding ways to pivot.

Instead of bailing because we don’t know what to do next, we dig deep. One order at a time, we don’t just survive service — we conquer it. We reinforce the new version of ourselves not just by doing the new thing, but by doing it in the face of adversity, with adversity as our teacher.

Now, revisit the activity from earlier — the one where you named your New Year’s resolution — and start stocking your station. What do you need? Who’s on your crew? Name all the ways things might go wrong and start preparing for service.

This is where I remind you that working with a coach can be incredibly effective. Think of a coach as your executive sous chef — partnering with you through service. And if that’s not a fit, take the time to figure out who or what is.

Start there and notice the difference as you pursue your goals. Remember to consider your emotional motivation — your why — and how this all fits into the life you want to create.

What + How + Why = powerful results.

There you’ll see just how achievable your resolutions really are. I’ll write more about those pieces in reflections to come, but for now…

Remember: the journey is long and often messy. Mistakes happen. Things don’t always go to plan. So dare to mess it up. Dare to fail forward — because from our mistakes, we learn.

Until next time,
Ciao!

An End-of-Year Reflection

We are nearing the end of the year. The holiday season is upon us, and this can mean many different things to many different people. For some, it’s a time of joy and connection. For many others, it becomes a season of hustle and bustle — running around, shopping, visiting, and trying to keep up.

The idea, of course, is to enjoy the holidays with loved ones, to give and receive… right?

What so often shows up instead is stress. Stress from spending, stress from strained relationships, or the distress of perhaps not having anyone to be with. Some people will get time off but won’t truly feel rested. Others will remain busy working straight through the season. And most — consciously or unconsciously — will look back at the past year and begin to qualify the results, judging themselves and sometimes even slipping into self‑deprecation.

This is what this article is about: the end‑of‑year self‑assessment so many of us fall into. The year‑end evaluation that often leads to New Year’s resolutions that, as we know, more often than not fizzle out by February.

Feeling a little called out? Don’t worry — I know this pattern well because I’ve lived it, time and time again. And if you’re feeling judged, there is information worth paying attention to here. The real question isn’t simply what needs to change, but…

What is driving the need for change in the first place?

You know those people who genuinely enjoy the hustle and bustle of the holidays? The ones who have their decorations up in November, their lists completed early, and maybe even a freezer full of holiday baking. You assume they must not work full‑time, or maybe they don’t have kids. And then you find out they do — sometimes both — and you think, How? I can barely manage what I have, and I’m already dreading the season.

I know I wondered that myself. And if I’m honest, I could be a little… okay, a lot resentful.

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of inner work. Through that process, I’ve learned much more about what it means to live a life that feels meaningful — not just to me, but to my loved ones as well. I’ve learned to be more present, to welcome self‑care and rest when they’re needed, and just as importantly, to recognize when real change is required rather than avoiding both care and change altogether.

For a long time, I had all the reasons why change couldn’t happen now and why rest and care were things I hadn’t really earned.

The truth is, I was living the way so many of us do: putting myself at the bottom of the priority list, postponing the changes that could lead to a better life — not just for me, but for my family as well. Year after year, I would arrive at the end of the year feeling dissatisfied with what I’d accomplished, telling myself, Next year will be better, while changing very little. Sound familiar?

If you see yourself in this, try not to be too hard on yourself or dwell on the negatives. Instead, gently look at what actually needs to shift.

The more we learn when to rest, when to reflect, and when to make meaningful change, the more we’re able to embrace the present moment — and the life we’re living, hustle and bustle included.

Rest, Reflection, and Change

Let’s break this down into three parts: rest, reflection, and change.

1. Rest

First things first — let’s determine whether what’s truly needed right now is rest or change.

For many people, reaching the end of the year marks a time of much‑needed respite. In many cultures, this season is seen as a natural slowing down — a time of death and rebirth, of honouring cycles, and of turning inward. It’s a time to decompress, to reconnect with yourself, your loved ones, and even the natural world. A time to reflect on the year that has passed, to recharge, recalibrate, and reset before the rebirth of spring.

Many of us simply need rest and self‑care. The deep desire for rest can sometimes fool us into thinking something much bigger — a major life change — is required. And for some people, that’s absolutely true. But before making any significant changes, the invitation is to first allow yourself to rest.

Give yourself care. Participate in the season. Recharge.

Often, once we truly nourish our need for rest, our love and passion for the life we’re leading begins to return. That’s usually a strong indicator that rest — not radical change — was what was needed. In that way, rest can act like a reset switch.

You might ask yourself:

Do I feel physically tired even when I’m doing things I normally enjoy?

Do even small tasks feel harder than they should?

Does rest feel appealing rather than boring or frustrating?

When I imagine taking a break, does my body relax?

Have I been “pushing through” for a long time?

If you’ve answered yes to several of these, rest is likely the primary need.

Even if change is ultimately required, rest often brings the clarity needed to determine what that change truly is. For this reason, it’s wise to avoid making major decisions during this time of year, when exhaustion and emotional overload are common.

2. Reflection

After rest comes reflection.

As important as rest is, so too is intentional reflection. Many people reflect, but often in a way that’s harsh, critical, or unhelpful. When you zoom out and look at the year that’s passed, don’t forget to reflect on what worked as well.

There is information in what didn’t go well — but there is also valuable insight in what did.

Compared to this time last year:

What has improved?

What has gone well?

Where have you grown, even quietly?

Life gives us both comfort and discomfort, ease and challenge. If we’re going to participate fully in life, we need to acknowledge both. Sometimes it can help to move away from labeling experiences as “good” or “bad” and instead see them as comfortable and uncomfortable, up and down. Through discomfort often comes growth, meaning, and insight.

Zoom out. Take inventory. Look honestly at what unfolded this past year and what it’s teaching you as you move forward.

3. Change

Through rest and reflection, clarity begins to emerge.

If, after both, you still feel a strong sense that something isn’t right — that something needs to shift — then the next step is to identify what that change is and how you’ll take action.

You might ask yourself:

Do I feel restless or dissatisfied even when I’m well‑rested?

Am I feeling a pull toward something different, even if it scares me?

Do my self‑care routines no longer bring lasting relief?

Does the idea of change feel both energizing and uncomfortable?

Do I sense that I’ve outgrown a role, routine, or identity?

If you’ve answered yes to several of these, you already have your answer.

You may be ready for change.

Readiness for change is an important — and vulnerable — place to be. It’s no coincidence that many people consider change at this time of year, which is why New Year’s resolutions are so common. The challenge is that many resolutions focus on surface‑level fixes: going to the gym more, resting more, managing money better, breaking a habit.

These efforts often fade because the deeper why hasn’t been explored. Sustainable change comes from understanding what truly matters to you — your values, your motivations, and the life you’re trying to build.

Take time to uncover the deeper root-need beneath the goal.

So, for example, if you want to go to the gym, what is it you’re trying to get out of going to the gym? Is it to look better? Is it to feel better? Maybe have more energy? And what is it that you want that for? Is it for the time you spend with your family? Is it so that you can be more active? What about why you want to have more money or manage money better? Is it so that you can have nicer things? Or is it so that you can have more autonomy? Understanding what’s really important to you, your values, your desired life outcome, why it is that you’re doing anything and what it’s ultimately going to lead to will help you create deeper and longer-lasting change.

If doing this alone feels challenging, working with a coach can be a powerful next step.

For more on finding your why, check out my articles on values and purpose and direction, or take a look at the values self-coaching package available for download.

Whatever path you choose, be willing to face your fears. Be okay with making mistakes. Growth comes from missteps as much as successes. Dare to try, dare to stumble, and remember — you don’t have to do this alone.

Until next time,

Ciao,

The hero’s journey. Joseph Campbell, a writer and literature professor, dedicated a great deal of his life’s work to studying the stories, religions, and mythologies of the world, discovering what he described as a common pattern between them all. He called this the monomyth — or, as we more commonly know it, the hero’s journey.

Don’t worry if neither term is familiar to you. If you’ve ever watched Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, The Matrix — or really most of the popular movies and stories of our time — you’ve likely witnessed some expression of this monomyth, this hero’s journey.

You may be curious how this connects to this week’s article. Campbell’s powerful discovery didn’t just influence George Lucas; it has also been a significant area of focus in philosophy and psychology. What makes the hero’s journey a fantastic storytelling model is that it closely reflects what most of us — if not all of us — experience or, more accurately, need to experience to live a fulfilling life.

In this article, I want to draw parallels between our everyday modern lives and the hero’s journey. I want to show how all of us, to some degree, are reluctant heroes called into action, each facing our own dragons and empires to overcome.

First, a Reflection Activity

Try not to qualify or judge your responses. This is just for you.

Recall a moment when you were called to action. This could be a significant change thrust upon you or a change you needed to make for your own well-being. Perhaps an opportunity came up that you had the chance to take.

Now consider what challenges arose and how you navigated them.

Did you face them head-on, or did you turn away?

What was the result?

If, as you reflect, you notice that you tend to turn back more often than you face your challenges, know that this is normal. It’s common for people to turn back. Remember the fear of failure choice loop from last week’s reflection? One of the causes of turning back is that so many of us do not see ourselves as the heroes of our own story. Limiting beliefs — internal and external naysayers — convince us that we’re the side character. And when we believe that, it becomes easy to stay stuck, to loop back into the discomfort of old ways rather than stepping forward, embracing the adventure, overcoming trials, and ultimately slaying the dragon.

The Hero’s Journey: A Quick Overview

Campbell’s hero’s journey is considered a loop. It typically starts with the status quo and call to action, leading into adventure, trials and tribulations, the great foe, and eventually a return home — newly changed.

The first stage, the ordinary world or status quo, is where life is as we know it: routine, familiar, perhaps comfortable — or for others, boring. Bilbo, for example, was content with his adventure-free life, while Luke was bored on the farm with his aunt and uncle.

Either way, the hero stands on the precipice of change — wanted or not.

And then the call to action arrives.

This is the moment the hero is invited or thrust into adventure. Bilbo receives a visit from Gandalf. Luke discovers a message from Princess Leia. Neo receives a mysterious message on his computer. Calls vary — sometimes a whisper, sometimes a shout.

And what often comes next?

Refusal of the call.

The would-be hero becomes convinced they aren’t strong enough or aren’t “the one.” That whisper becomes a shout. The invitation becomes a demand. Luke refuses Obi-Wan until he discovers the farm destroyed. Bilbo insists he’s no burglar. Neo exits the car, staring down a dark alley — but realizes he can’t return to the status quo.

“You know where that road leads, Neo.”

Next comes the supernatural aid — the teacher or guide who helps the hero see their potential. Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Morpheus.

The hero then crosses the threshold into the unknown. Sam and Frodo leave the Shire; Luke enters the vast universe; Neo chooses the red pill. Once the choice is made, the hero enters the belly of the whale — the moment of no return.

Then comes the road of trials. The hero faces tests, discovers allies and enemies, trains, makes mistakes, fails, learns, and gradually becomes strong enough to face the great challenge.

Approaching the innermost cave means confronting the primary foe: Smaug’s lair, Mordor, the Death Star. The battle ensues; the hero “dies” and returns changed, claiming the boon.

Finally, the hero returns home — the resurrection and reintegration — now transformed, seeing the world with new understanding.

So… You’re saying I’m Neo?

You might be thinking, “Awesome, great! When do I become a Jedi?”

“Well, I don’t know any wizards, but I’ll trust the process,” haha.

There may not be a literal wizard or Jedi and you are not exactly Neo, but in a very real sense, you are The One.

It just looks different in your story.

Let me expand.

I’ll walk through the hero’s journey again — this time drawing comparisons to the stories most familiar to us regular folks. These are the stories I’ve encountered in my own life and in the lives of my coaching and counselling clients.

Although we don’t know actual wizards and the world isn’t being threatened by an evil sorcerer, we each have our own foes.

Let’s begin with the call to action.

It may not be a grey-bearded wizard or a robot delivering a princess’s message, but it may be something very real: a friend pointing out a harmful behaviour, your body warning you to change, a job loss, a diagnosis, or a life event that leaves no room for delay. It could also be something you can choose — an opportunity, a healthier direction, a new start.

This is the call. Sometimes a hint; sometimes a sledgehammer.

The question is: How will you answer it?

Most of the time, we answer with denial. Refusal sounds like:

“I know I need to change, but…”

“I’m not good enough.”

“Life is stacked against me.”

“It’s not the right time.”

This refusal might happen more than once — again, the choice loop — but eventually the call comes in a way that cannot be ignored. When the pain of staying the same outweighs the fear of change, we accept the call.

Finding Your Supernatural Aid

In real life, your Obi-Wan or Gandalf may be a mentor, coach, or counsellor.

It’s usually at this stage — of readiness for change — that clients find me.

This is not someone who tells you what to do, but someone who helps you uncover your own potential.

This stage is where you begin to see that you can do this —

and that you don’t have to do it alone.

Here you begin mapping out what comes next, preparing for the version of yourself you’re becoming.

Then you cross the threshold.

Crossing the threshold is choosing discomfort for the sake of growth:

turning a hobby into a side hustle, advocating for yourself, ending unhealthy relationships, leaving a job, starting fresh. Whatever it is, you’ve chosen to do the darn thing.

People say the first step is the hardest — and it often is. But staying the course is its own challenge.

In Campbell’s monomyth, the next stages are the belly of the whale and the road of trials.

Here, you discover who supports you and who doesn’t.

You face practical obstacles — time, money — and internal ones — beliefs, fears, ego.

Most people eventually discover that the greatest foe was never the external challenge.

The real dragon is often ourselves.

The innermost cave becomes an inward journey. You confront ego, limiting beliefs, old patterns of protection that once served you but now keep you stuck. Facing this part of yourself is profoundly difficult. It requires radical accountability — not shame, not self-condemnation. Simply truth.

The ordeal is the battle with yourself.

The boon is reclaiming yourself.

You emerge changed, aware of who you want to become. And yes, this means letting an old version of you “die.” Grieving that version is common and normal.

The hero falls and then is resurrected.

The road home is integrating your new story — inviting in people aligned with this version of you and releasing those who no longer fit. You know who you are. You know what matters. And you are no longer swayed by what once dissuaded you.

The journey comes full circle. You are changed and ready for the next call.

And often at this stage, people want to help others on their journeys.

The hero becomes the aid.

My Own Hero’s Journey

I know this because I lived it.

My journey required overcoming burnout, changing careers, healing from my misuse of alcohol, and facing the unresolved grief — death and non-death losses — that shaped my life. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health were compromised. I denied the call again and again — until I no longer could.

The journey has been epic.

The battles fierce, tiring, and deeply saddening at times.

But here I stand. I understand myself in ways I never could before.

When the call comes, I am ready to answer — well, most of the time.

The journey continues as long as I’m actively participating in this thing called life. I accept that the calls will keep coming, and I will take up my mantle. And when I complete the circle, I will remember to cherish and celebrate the adventures that have shaped me.

It is why I am a coach and counsellor.

It is why I am an educator for those who wish to become coaches and counsellors. It is an honour to partner with the heroes embarking on their own journeys — to witness, in some small way, others facing their dragons and becoming ready to help others in turn.

My Hope for You

My hope is that, reading this, you will answer the call in the way that makes sense to you.

That you will find your aid — whoever that may be.

That you will face the trials, even when you make mistakes, even when you get knocked down, even when you fail.

You will get up.

You will dust yourself off.

And you will complete your grand adventure.

You’ll dare to mess it up.

You’ll dare to fail forward.

And you’ll remember — you do not have to do it alone.

Until next time,

Ciao!!

Reflection Activity

Before we dive in further, if you are open to it, let’s start with a quick exercise. I call this the Magic Wand Exercise.

Try not to qualify or judge your responses — just consider what’s true for you.

Start by imagining you have a magic wand, and when you wave that wand, you wake up living your ideal life.

Really imagine this — what is your bed like? What about the room you’re waking up in? Are you alone? What are you getting out of bed to do?

Take a moment to imagine how your day will go from beginning to end, from the morning all the way to returning to bed. Take a moment now.

Next, consider what emotions are present for you. Notice: is there joy? Love? Calm or peace?

Sit with that, name those emotions, and cherish them.

Now consider how you might invite some of that ideal life into your current life, and how you might also invite and allow some of those cherished emotions in as well.

An activity like this allows you to take a glimpse into the future — to get a sense of your desired life outcome and the emotional response from living that life. Emotional motivation can be an extremely powerful catalyst.

I find, however, that many people do have an idea of what a day in their ideal life would look like. With some reflection and prompts like the one you just did, they can typically get clear on what they want their desired outcome to be. The issue comes down to whether or not they believe they are capable of achieving it — or even deserving of that outcome.

With that said, so many of us — despite knowing where we want to go — find ourselves turning back when challenges show up.

It’s like this: we get a call to action, a nudge or a push. The universe is whispering — or perhaps screaming — that change needs to happen. You finally decide, “Okay, enough is enough. I am finally ready for change!”

So you jump in. Often, you know where you want to go, so you just start. You jump into action. At first, inspiration is high — nothing will stop you this time!

Maybe it’s going to the gym, so you put your gym stuff by the door. Maybe it’s changing your diet, so you buy a bunch of groceries. Maybe it’s something bigger, like changing your job or spending more time doing the thing that brings you bliss.

Whatever it is, you get going. But as usual, something comes up.

Perhaps it’s the naysayers — external people telling you why it won’t work. As bad as that can be, the internal naysayers are often worse: limiting beliefs reminding you of all the ways you’re either “not good enough,” “not deserving,” or destined to fail.

And there it is — the limiting belief, the unhelpful thinking, the fear-of-failure barrier.

So what do we do next?

We turn back.

Next comes the rationalizing — aka excuse-making (if you’re willing to take that kind of accountability).

“It’s not a good time for me.”

“Maybe if it was meant to be, it would be easier.”

And don’t get me wrong — sometimes we do set goals or take on challenges that were never truly ours to begin with. We do them because we feel we should or must. When that’s the case, it’s easy to find reasons to turn back.

But I’m talking about the moments where you do want the thing — but the challenge of overcoming the obstacles is scarier than the discomfort of staying the same. Or, as Tony Robbins says, “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.”

And therein lies the choice — the choice to turn back and stay the same, or to press forward into the discomfort, knowing growth is on the other side.

Choosing to stay the same means choosing a fixed or protective response — returning to the old way, rationalizing the choice, and then returning to a place of apathy, boredom, and eventually the same discomfort and pain.

Conversely, choosing a growth response means facing the difficulties, the discomfort of the unknown, and embracing failure as new information that can lead to continued growth — thus feeding the loop, but this time through a growth lens rather than protection.

The Choice Loop Model

The Choice Loop Model is a visual continuum that illustrates how the choices we make can create a loop of either protection or growth.

It starts with a Call to Action. This is the point where something needs to change or an opportunity presents itself. All you have to do is go for it.

This could be the need for change due to pain and discomfort, or the desire for change due to opportunity and growth. It could be a whisper; it could be a scream.

Next, you take action (often without a real plan), and this is where the Choice Point presents itself. Here, things get difficult — a roadblock shows up. This could be external, internal, or practical.

External or internal like the naysayers mentioned before, or practical barriers like finances, location, time, etc.

This presents a choice: press forward into Growth or turn back into Protection.

Protection Path

Protection drives us to return to The old way and avoid potential failure.

This path leads to Rationalizing and making excuses:

“It wasn’t the right time.”

“I need to get my ducks in a row first.”

From there, we enter (or return to) a place of Apathy and malcontent. Thoughts like “There should be more to life than this” show up and eventually lead to another Call to Action.

Growth Path

Growth is hitting the same roadblocks but pressing forward anyway.

When leading with a growth mindset, one anticipates challenges. They typically create a thoughtful plan before taking action — this is where working with a coach often becomes invaluable.

They look for solutions with the understanding that regardless of the outcome, the result generates New Information that leads to learning, Intirgration and Growth…

If it didn’t work out:

Use the new information to adjust the next attempt.

If it did work out:

Celebrate the win.

Take inventory of the emotional response to the victory, so it can be cultivated during the next challenge.

Either way, this leads to Self-Reflection and eventually another Call to Action — completing the Growth Loop.

Broken Down Into Simple Steps

1. Call to Action

2. Choice Point: Protection or Growth

3. Choose Protection → Return to the Old Way

4. Rationalize

5. Return to boredom, apathy, pain → back to Call to Action

3a. Choose Growth → New Information

4a. Integrate & Grow → Celebrate the victory

5a. Self-reflect → New Call to Action

This model can help you identify for yourself if you’ve been caught in this kind of loop and decide how to make a change. One can get stuck in the loop several times before realizing it. In fact, it’s often the Call to Action that reminds us we’ve done it again.

The goal is to begin catching the choice as it arises.

This means strengthening your mindfulness and self-awareness skills.

There are often two sides to realizing you’ve been caught in the loop:

On one side: disappointment, even disgust, at noticing you’ve kept yourself stuck — realizing perhaps there has been a choice all along.

On the other side: awareness. The understanding that there is a choice, and it’s not too late — you can do something now.

Be kind to yourself for not knowing what you hadn’t yet learned.

Recognize that yes, it was a choice — but not one you were fully conscious of yet.

The journey is long and full of ups and downs. Through mistakes comes growth, so dare to mess it up and dare to fail forward.

And remember: you don’t have to do it alone.

Until next time,

Ciao!

What are beliefs? A simple Google search reveals a definition of belief as the acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists; something one accepts as true or real — a firmly held opinion or conviction. In other words, beliefs are ideas we hold to be absolute. A core belief is something held deeply and is what influences our views of ourselves, others, and the world.

To some degree or another, we all have beliefs. Some of us are aware of them, but many of us are not. Yet we can see the results of our beliefs in the way we interact with others, the way we talk to ourselves, and the way we react to the world at large.

We’ve talked about mindset in previous articles. In today’s article, I want to talk about how underneath the mindset is typically a governing belief.

If you are open to it, I’d like to invite you into a quick reflection exercise — shall we?

Take a moment to consider these three prompts. Dismiss any qualifying or judgment of your responses; this is for you and you alone.

First: What I believe about the world is…

Try to keep your response simple. Try not to overthink it — just write whatever initial response comes forward.

Next: What I believe about others is…

And: What I believe about myself is…

Take a moment with your responses and see if you can come up with a general summary of what your answers reveal about what you believe.

The idea of an exercise like this is to start shining a light — to bring awareness to how you might see yourself, others, and the world. And to determine how limiting beliefs may be inhibiting you from becoming the version of yourself you’ve always wanted.

For example, if you believe the world is a kind place full of wonder, you may be more likely to seek out new relationships, adventure and maybe even see difficulties as welcomed challenges. However, if you believe the world and others are dangerous or not to be trusted, you may be more likely to take on a protective approach — avoiding others, fearing change, and so on.

A mindset that sees opportunity and growth is often the result of a healthier set of core beliefs, whereas a more fixed or negative mindset is often supported by what are called limiting beliefs. Both sets of beliefs are often established early in life.

The reality is that most of us adopt unhelpful limiting beliefs early on as a result of a need for protection. From a young age, we may learn that we need to keep quiet to stay safe or, conversely, that we need to scream and shout to be heard. Both suggest that you may not be worth listening to or that your voice doesn’t matter. So, you may choose to keep quiet or become loud in order to be heard. This is just one example, but there are many ways we learn to fit in, get along, or simply stay safe — patterns that, as we become older, no longer serve us.

The precious years of adolescence are when we are meant to branch out — to discover our own independence, beliefs, and values. Unfortunately, for so many of us, we were held back, considered rebellious, or punished, preventing us from expanding and finding out who we were meant to be. Then we become adults and discover through our own disruptive behaviours that we are lost, unsure, and reliant on protective-based beliefs.

Don’t get me wrong — this is not a “dump on mom and dad” piece. Although I often joke that all roads lead to Mom, the truth is the same is true for our parents. If you zoomed out far enough, you’d see that generation after generation, kids blamed parents for installing unhelpful limiting beliefs.

The truth is, our parents were always doing what they thought was best based on their own limiting beliefs. Our job now is to discover for ourselves what serves us and what doesn’t, and make whatever changes we can.

The first step is, yes, recognizing from your childhood what beliefs you picked up as a result of your upbringing and early life experiences — for better or worse. From there, seek to understand how they no longer serve the version of you that you are trying to become. Also consider what has served you up until now — including what may still serve — so that you may decide what needs to change and what can be integrated along your journey of self-discovery.

Right, so how do we do that?!

This is something that can be done on your own, but I do recommend doing this work with a qualified coach or counsellor. Simply put, the discovery and dismantling of limiting beliefs is no simple feat. The most impactful results come from unpacking and understanding how far back the beliefs go, which can be truly deep and heavy work.

With that said, the most direct way to uncover a limiting belief is to first recall a moment where you felt activated — where you felt strong emotional distress. Get clear on the event. For example, someone bailed on plans with you. Name the emotion that was present when that happened — e.g., anger.

Once you name the emotion, ask yourself:

“What caused that emotion? What was I angry about?”

From there, ask yourself the deeper question:

“What does it mean about me when someone bails on me?”

This will often lead to an “I am” statement, such as:

I am not likable.

I am unlovable.

I am not important.

This will be your limiting belief.

From there — and this is where the deeper work begins — explore how far back that kind of thinking goes. This exploration usually uncovers a time, environment, or group of people that are no longer an influence or, at the very least, do not have a say in your current situation.

Once you see that, you can challenge how the limiting belief is impacting the present moment. You can challenge it by asking:

“What are all the other reasons they might have bailed that have nothing to do with me — reasons that don’t stem from my own self-worth but are more likely about them?”

Naming the emotion helps us understand what we felt was “done to us.”

Asking “What does it mean about me?” helps us understand what we believe was done to us.

This is the re-evoking of the limiting belief — the “I am” statement.

Identifying the active limiting belief allows us to challenge it and choose an alternate response.

Here are the steps simplified into a tool:

1. Identify an event/situation with a strong emotion that you experienced recently.

2. Identify the emotion and write a sentence about it: “I was angry when…”

3. Ask yourself: “In that situation, what was I angry about?”

4. Answer the question: “I was angry because Steve bailed on me.”

5. Ask yourself: “What does it mean about me if someone bails on me?”

6. Note your answer — it may start with “I am…” or be something like “They don’t care about me.”

7. Repeat step 5 until your answer lands on something deeper — usually an “I am” statement.

8. Challenge the belief:

- Examine the evidence.

- Consider all the other possibilities.

- Ask: “If I assumed the best of myself, what else might be true?”

Once again, this journey is often best done with a professional. If you are choosing to do it on your own, remember to leave room for care and compassion. Offer grace and kindness for what your past self had not yet learned.

Mistakes will happen. Challenges may become overwhelming. It’s not about getting it right every time — it’s about growing from the challenges and the missteps.

Dare to mess it up.

Dare to fail forward.

And remember: you don’t have to do it alone.

Until next time, ciao!

Already, I know some of you are asking, “Wait, what? Aren’t they the same thing, though?”

Well, that’s what I want to discuss.

My goal today is to help delineate these two words so that you, my wonderful reader/listener, can better understand your own emotions, feelings, and the needs that follow. Even further, my hope is that you’ll be able to take notice of how you view the world, how you receive information, and how that leads to reactions you may be better equipped to navigate.

So what are emotions, and how are they different from feelings?

Do you ever say — or hear others say — things like:

- “I feel disappointed.”

- “I feel so disrespected.”

- “I just feel wronged.”

If I asked you to name the emotion involved, what might you say?

Let’s look at “I feel disrespected.” You say, or someone says, I feel disrespected, and my curiosity becomes: What does disrespect feel like?

A feeling is something we feel in the body. So how does one feel disrespected? Perhaps it’s more accurate to say I think rather than I feel. It becomes clear that when someone says “I feel…” followed by a word that has no bodily sensation, what’s being described is a thought.

Although claiming to feel something when what you’re describing is actually a thought isn’t accurate, it isn’t that far off. If you think you’ve been disrespected, then you also feel something — like hurt or anger.

When you name those emotions — hurt and anger — you can identify where and how you feel them. This is where clarity begins. It becomes clear that sometimes we confuse thoughts and feelings.

An emotion is the core sensation — the original bodily reaction to a stimulus or activation. Then — and this all happens unconsciously and simultaneously — the mind makes meaning of that emotion by generating thoughts. Those thoughts reinforce the emotion, intensifying it, and this is where we identify the feeling.

In other words:

Emotions + Thoughts = Feelings

Think of it like this:

The emotion is the initial sensation caused by an activation — an event, a memory, a thought, or something in the environment.

We take in external information through our senses. As we move through the world, our minds filter information automatically, especially information related to safety. When something enters our awareness that suggests danger — like a loud bang, the smell of smoke, or unkind words — our bodies react instantly.

This is the original emotional reaction, the fight-or-flight activation.

This reaction leads to an initial thought. Our conditioning, upbringing, beliefs, values, and past experiences inform what meaning we make of the situation.

If our mindset is shaped by unhelpful or limiting beliefs, we’re more likely to interpret the situation negatively — spiraling or ruminating — sending the thought-emotion cycle into overdrive.

If we’re grounded in a growth‑oriented mindset — if our beliefs and values are aligned — we’re more likely to find opportunity, nuance, or simply let it go.

Let’s Be Honest… This Is Easier Said Than Done

As mentioned, the initial emotional reaction happens no matter what. What we do with that reaction is where our power begins. At first, we may only notice what happened long after the fact. We may feel disappointed that it took over again. But this is human. And it’s okay.

What matters is noticing what didn’t feel helpful, setting intentions for next time, and continuing the cycle of noticing and adjusting.

This is the work.

We bring awareness to what doesn’t serve us — even if it’s after the fact. Over time, we become better at catching it while it happens… and eventually before it happens.

It’s the journey from reactive to proactive.

Once we begin catching emotions in real time, we can identify the thoughts that begin operating behind the scenes. From those thoughts, we can identify the initial emotion. And once we can name that core emotion — the one we feel in our bodies — we can identify the activation point and determine the need.

Emotions Are Our Human Needs Asking for Attention

Thinking of emotions as our body’s way of signaling an unmet need can be empowering. It helps us reclaim control and choose how to respond.

Consider this example:

When you need to pee, the bladder fills, your body sends a signal — discomfort, pressure, urgency. If ignored, the sensation intensifies. Ignore it long enough and you risk an accident — or over time, even infection.

We easily identify physical needs like hunger, thirst, fatigue, or needing to use the washroom. But emotional needs are subtler:

- Fear → Need for safety

- Anger → Need for boundaries or control

- Sadness → Need for love or connection

- Frustration → Need for clarity or direction

These needs express themselves through emotions — signals asking for relief and attention.

Some emotional activations come from internal sources — thoughts, rumination, memories. Others come from external sources — events, interactions, environments. Either can trigger the emotion-thought-feeling loop.

Whatever the cause, pausing and getting curious gives you the ability to separate thoughts from feelings, identify the core emotion, and uncover the need beneath it.

Imagine being able to identify your internal emotional signals as clearly as knowing when you need to pee — and being able to relieve yourself emotionally rather than holding everything in.

The Path of Action

- External or internal stimuli activate an initial emotion.

- That emotional signal triggers thoughts and meaning-making.

- Meaning-making left unchallenged becomes feelings and moods.

- Feelings and moods that are explored allow you to identify the emotion, then the need.

- Meeting the need prevents prolonged emotional loops and unhelpful spiraling.

This kind of work isn’t easy. You will catch things after the fact. You will course-correct as you go. So remember, dare to mess it up and dare to fail forward.

And you don’t have to do this alone.

Until next time,

Ciao!!

Are you here? I mean — really here.

This question might seem silly, but what I’m really asking is: Are you present in this moment?

To be present means to be here and now. And you might be thinking, Well, where else could I be? Sure — your physical body is here. But are you? By “you,” I mean your mind — your thoughts, your awareness.

The truth is, it’s surprisingly easy to be anywhere but here. We’re often pulled toward the future, worrying about what’s to come, or dragged into the past, replaying what’s already happened.

Have you ever had one of those mornings where, before your eyes even open, your mind is already racing — rehashing an argument or reliving a conversation? Or perhaps at night, lying awake as thoughts spin through tomorrow’s to-do list, as if mentally wrestling with them might somehow solve it all?

I understand this all too well. I also know what it’s like to be anywhere but present — especially in conversation. Someone might be sharing something meaningful, but instead of listening, I’m in my head, thinking about other things — or how what they’re saying affects me.

The Train of Thought

The mind is powerful, and thoughts can be all-consuming. Notice I didn’t say our thoughts — because thinking isn’t exactly something we do; it’s something that happens.

Think of it like this: you’re sitting on a patch of grass. In front of you, a train passes by. You can simply watch it as it goes — each car carrying something different. Some hold cargo, some grain, some coverd in graffiti. Those train cars are your thoughts.

You can observe them as they pass, or you can hop on, letting one thought pull you away. You don’t know where it’ll take you — you’re just gone, lost on that train of thought.

Being present is realizing that you can sit and watch the train go by. You can let thoughts come and go without being taken away by them.

Conscious Awareness and the “Software Update”

Easier said than done, right? The default mode for most of us is to let thoughts take over. In truth, we need a lot of our thinking to run on autopilot.

Imagine if you had to consciously control everything your mind processes! You’d go mad. Our brains constantly scan for safety and filter information to help us function.

But this also means we sometimes operate unconsciously in ways that no longer serve us. That’s why it’s valuable to occasionally “update the software.” We do that by bringing conscious awareness to unconscious thinking — by returning to the present moment.

Observing in the Here and Now

Being present isn’t only about being here — it’s about observing here.

Like the train, you can slow down and notice each car — each thought and emotion — as it moves through.

For example, you wake up already replaying a past moment. When you bring awareness to it, you can observe the stories and feelings that arise, and then decide — like the train — whether to stay with them or let them pass.

Thoughts of the past and future are just that — thoughts. They’re not what’s true right now.

Too much time in the future often breeds anxiety. Too much time in the past can feed depression. Returning to the present moment lets you observe what’s real and challenge what’s not.

The Practice of Presence

I know — it sounds simple on paper. But presence is a practice.

At first, you’ll only notice after you’ve been swept away by your thoughts. You’ll think, Ugh, why am I still doing this?

But that’s part of the process. Awareness always starts with noticing what no longer works. Over time, you’ll begin to notice as it happens — pausing, shifting, choosing differently. Eventually, you’ll notice before it happens, acting proactively rather than reactively.

That’s growth. That’s presence.

Cultivating Presence

Presence begins with practice — small, daily moments that help you step out of your head and into your awareness.

Meditation, yoga, journaling, gardening, cooking, exercise, walking in nature — all of these are presence practices.

Even a few minutes of mindful breathing or a silent pause in the shower can shift your day. Keep a notepad nearby. When you notice yourself caught in past or future thinking, jot it down. Gently remind yourself: Neither of those things exist right now.

The “Quick Sit” Practice

Here’s a simple exercise I teach called the Quick Sit. It’s a fast, grounding practice that invites you back into the present moment — anywhere, anytime.

You can use it on the bus, between meetings, or whenever you need a quick reset. It’s discreet, portable, and effective.

Step 1: Drop In (Grounding)

• Feet: Notice your feet. Whether you’re seated or standing, feel your contact with the ground — even through your shoes. Sense how the ground meets your feet and how your feet meet the ground.

• Pause judgment: Gently set aside any labels or evaluations.

• Breath: Notice your breath without changing it. Let it come and go naturally.

• Cue: When your mind drifts, ask: “Where are my feet? Where is my breath?” Then return — right here, right now.

Step 2: Check In

Simply observe:

• What thoughts can you see passing by?

• What emotions are present — anger, sadness, fear, joy, shame, surprise? (You might place a hand on your heart or belly.) and this too you can observe and allow to pass.

Remember: thoughts and emotions are happening, but they are not you. You can choose how to interact with them.

Any time you find yourself pulled away — whether ruminating in bed, spiraling at night, or distracted during conversation — you can ground, breathe, and return.

Through practice, you’ll strengthen your observer self — the one who can pause, notice, and choose differently. You’ll reclaim your presence and your power to decide what’s true right now.

A Final Word

Presence takes time. The journey is messy and human — but you’re not alone. With each moment of awareness, you’re already shifting.

So dare to mess it up. Dare to fail forward.

Until next time,

Ciao.

Life: Happening to You or for You?

I started my journey as a life coach and counsellor nearly seven years ago, and since then, I’ve worked with many people searching for why life feels so challenging.

The difficult story many of us adopt is that life is actively working against us. And to be clear, I include myself in this. Before my own journey, I found it very easy — comfortable, really — to say life is hard and then point a finger at others, the system, the government, or everyone’s favourite scapegoats: Mom and Dad. I blamed everyone for my circumstances — everyone except myself. Unless, of course, it was through self-deprecation, when I could confidently say I somehow deserved it.

It’s important to acknowledge that some things in life are truly out of our control. Tragic, heartbreaking things happen. But there are also many things that — although it might not seem like it in the moment — are within our control.

Before I go any further, I want to pause and acknowledge something: If you’re reading or listening to this and aren’t yet ready for change, this article might be a hard one to digest. Real change comes with personal accountability — a willingness to recognize where, although life can be difficult, much of what happens is influenced by our own choices. Even when we are victims of circumstance, we are still responsible for how we respond and what meaning we give to it. And that, my friends, can be a hard pill to swallow — until you discover the empowerment that comes with it.

What I want to talk about today is reclaiming control. Some things we can’t control, I understand that — but we can control what we make them mean. And there are other things we’ve let take over that we can reclaim.

I can remember my mom — who as I write this, sadly passed just two months ago — saying something when I was younger that has always stayed with me: “Ten percent of life is what’s dealt to you, and ninety percent is how you deal with it.” For that statement to hold true, an incredible amount of self-responsibility must also be true. It means that no matter what happens, we get to choose what to do with it.

So, the question becomes: Do you see life as happening to you or for you?

When we see life as happening to us, we place ourselves at the centre of a hostile universe — life is out to get us. But if life is happening around us, then we are participants in an ongoing experience. We’re impacted by what happens, yes — but we also get to choose the meaning we give to it.

Viktor Frankl once said: “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”

Frankl, who survived multiple concentration camps including Auschwitz, understood life’s challenges in their deepest form. Today, many of us feel lost — unsure of what life is supposed to be about. For some, it just seems unfair. Life keeps throwing curveballs — sometimes big, sometimes small but relentless. We find ourselves asking, Why me?

This internal dialogue — If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck — is a sign of the victim mindset, or what psychology calls learned helplessness. It’s a place of giving up, pointing fingers, and surrendering control.

But there’s another way.

It begins with acknowledging that yes — the situation may truly be terrible. It’s not about pretending everything’s fine. It’s about accepting the suffering and then deciding, What’s next?

Even in the worst situations — like those Frankl faced — we can choose what to make them mean. We can give our suffering value by seeing how it contributes to our growth and deepens our understanding of life.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” — Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Frankl once offered a metaphor that I often reflect on. Imagine an old-style tear-away calendar. Many people focus on how few days remain, anxious about running out of time. Others stare at the pile of torn pages — resentful, regretful, and overidentified with the past.

But what if, instead of discarding each torn page, you wrote something on the back — something you learned or survived that day? Even if it was a bad day, note how you endured it, what it taught you. Over time, those scattered pages would form a book of resilience instead of a pile of regret. You’d be able to look back, even on the hardest days, and see not just pain — but progress, growth, and meaning.

Believe me when I say — it’s easier said than done. It can be nearly impossible to look at tragedy and see anything but pain. I know because I’ve lived it.

I’ve lost several significant people, including my son and his mother. The toll was immense. It nearly broke me. I went through periods of self-medicating, suicidal thoughts, and depression that still visits from time to time. When I finally reached for help, I often found myself alone — met with detached professionals or family members who didn’t know what to do. The suffering was deep.

And yet, here I am — writing this to you.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” — Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

In time, I found meaning in my suffering. I became someone who could help others find what I couldn’t. I write this in hopes that one person might find what they need in these words. If that happens, then the loss of my son, his mother, and all those I’ve loved will have meant something. It still hurts — but it’s a hurt that has purpose.

In previous articles, I’ve talked about how purpose and direction make life more navigable, and how aligning with your values can clarify your path. Without those anchors, it’s easy to slip into maladaptive patterns — blaming, finger-pointing, or believing life is happening to you. But when you rediscover your “why” — what I call your Desired Life Outcome — you begin shifting from have to to get to. You start living with intention rather than reaction. You begin to see that life isn’t punishing you — it’s partnering with you.

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live can bear almost any ‘how.’” — Viktor E. Frankl

The journey will be messy. It will hurt. But you are not alone. Dare to mess it up. Dare to fail forward. And remember: life isn’t happening to you — it’s happening for you. Unitl next time ciao!!

— Christopher Testa, PCC

Ready for Change Coaching

Expectation Equals Disappointment — 100% of the Time?

At least, that’s what I thought… until I figured out the missing ingredient.

A good friend of mine once said something that stuck with me over the years:

“Expectation equals disappointment one hundred percent of the time.”

I could see how he believed that. There’s truth in it — though I always felt something was a bit off. It seemed too finite, too absolute. As time went on, I started to believe that expectations would always lead to let-downs.

What I began to notice, however, was that I was constantly letting certain people down when it came to their expectations. I honestly thought I was just broken, dense, or missing something when it came to meeting them.

I’d often find myself cluelessly realizing that someone was upset with me — and had been for some time — because I’d somehow failed to meet their expectations. It was frustrating. I hated letting people down, especially when I thought everything was fine and then — boom! Nope… you suck. Didn’t you know?!

It was the worst. I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.

How was I constantly missing the mark?

And then all at once, it hit me.

The Game With No Rules

It was like bowling with the pins covered — or playing a game someone else made, but never explaining the rules. And then being punished for playing “wrong” because apparently, I should just know by now.

Be honest — how many times have you dropped that “should” on someone?

You know, they should have done this, or they should know without me having to say.

It’s okay, no judgment here.

Tell you what — I’ll go first.

I did it.

I couldn’t help it.

I used to “should” people all the time — it’s what I knew.

Somehow, I believed that people should just know my needs and wants because of their role in my life.

The Role Trap

By role, I mean parent, sibling, friend, partner — as in you’re my father, you should show up this way, or you’re my friend, you should just know.

What I was really doing was making it mean that they valued me if they guessed correctly. And if they didn’t? Well, clearly that must mean they don’t value me or the relationship.

Sound familiar?

I imagine most of us have been on at least one end of that scenario — if not both. And maybe, just maybe, that’s not such a reasonable expectation.

That’s when I discovered the missing ingredient in my friend’s theory.

Expectation — Communication = Disappointment

If you don’t tell people what you need from them, they’ll most likely miss the mark.

Let’s dig into this a bit. In relationships, we tend to create labels — mom, dad, partner, friend, boss — and attach unspoken rules to them. Those rules form over time through our experiences, what we’ve been taught, what we’ve witnessed, or even what we’ve absorbed from media.

We build a model of how each person “should” show up for us. The problem?

We rarely tell anyone what the model is.

Sometimes, we don’t even know the rules ourselves.

We create the game and the roles.

We invite the players but never explain the rules.

And when they play “wrong,” we suddenly realize what the rules were — and assume they should have known.

Understand What You Need to Communicate What You Need

This all boils down to needs. We all have them — that’s part of being human.

We need safety, connection, support, empathy, compassion, encouragement, grace, tough love, and acceptance. But we don’t need them all at once. Sometimes we need empathy; other times, we need a fix. Sometimes we need to be accepted as we are; other times, we need a kick in the pants.

The issue isn’t that we have needs — it’s knowing what those needs are, and who we can go to for each one.

So, what if we considered an expectation as an uncommunicated need?

We all have needs — there’s nothing wrong with that.

But expressing them? That’s where it gets hard.

The Vulnerability Factor

Expressing needs requires vulnerability.

And humans protect vulnerability ferociously.

Being vulnerable can be scary:

What if my needs are rejected?

What if I’m told they’re not valid?

What if I’m minimized, dismissed, or even gaslit?

So… what if that does happen?

Now what?

Do you just sit in the disappointment — the hurt — and let it consume you?

Or could you find some choice in it, some empowerment?

Here’s the hard question:

What will you make that mean?

If your needs are rejected or dismissed, what meaning will you assign — about that person, or about yourself?

Because once you’re clear on your needs and your boundaries, it doesn’t matter so much what others think.

If you communicate responsibly and someone still can’t meet your needs, maybe that person just isn’t the right one to go to for that particular need.

Everyone Has Needs

Remember — you’re not the only one with needs.

The other person has needs too.

Sometimes we place expectations on others based on their role in our lives — without considering whether they actually have the capacity to meet those needs.

I once saw a meme that said something like:

“We’re all just extras or NPCs in someone else’s main storyline.”

There’s something liberating about that idea.

If we’re all just trying to fit in and have our needs met, maybe vulnerability doesn’t have to be so scary.

Some people will be able to meet your needs, and others won’t.

You don’t have to make it mean anything more than that.

You just get to learn who you can — and can’t — go to for certain needs.

It takes radical vulnerability and self-responsibility — easier said than done, I know. It takes daring to mess it up, to fail forward.

But on the other side of that? Growth.

I’m not saying I’ll never be disappointed again.

But I will have more control over how it happens — and what I make it mean.

Remember, the personal growth journey can be long, but you are not alone. Until next time, Ciao!!