deargreenqueen

Last Summer

Summer always seems to give the shortest hugs. But last summer, she stayed a while and seemed to hold me tight. She held on longer; almost as if she knew I needed it.

I hadn’t screamed like that since. . . Ever.

All my pain I took in silence. Tucked away neatly. To be silent was to be polite. My silence has always created a cozy place for those who couldn’t bear to hear the pain.

I finally couldn’t hold it in.

I never screamed like that EVER.

I never allowed myself to let anger in my heart. And boy was she loud when she arrived.

Thank you for introducing me to her. My therapist has been begging me to meet her for years.

Now I no longer wait between visits so she doesn’t stay too long.

Last Summer

Summer always seems to give the shortest hugs. But last summer, she stayed a while and seemed to hold me tight. She held on longer; almost as if she knew I needed it.

I hadn’t screamed like that since. . . Ever.

All my pain I took in silence. Tucked away neatly. To be silent was to be polite. My silence has always created a cozy place for those who couldn’t bear to hear the pain.

I finally couldn’t hold it in.

I never screamed like that EVER.

I never allowed myself to let anger in my heart. And boy was she loud when she arrived.

Thank you for introducing me to her. My therapist has been begging me to meet her for years.

It only took you 3.

Now I no longer wait between visits so she doesn’t stay too long.

A collectible

Sometimes I feel like your favorite collectible; Always in perfect condition for the world to see and be in awe of.

A possession. My image is proof that you are worthy and important. You’ve even convinced me that I should love to be on display.

Sometimes I feel like your dreamcatcher; Always the best listener and there to catch all the negative and dark thoughts that you need to get off your chest.

A light. My pureness is what attracts you to me. I will brighten every day of yours until I can no longer find the power.

Sometimes I feel like a thousand bucks; the way I take care of myself and create gold with everything I touch.

A superpower that used to be reserved for you. I am powerful and always seen in every room. I still feel so invisible.

Sometimes I feel like a caged bird; continuing to be seen and kept in my place without a song truly ever heard by others.

I wish you would listen. I could scream. Instead I wheep. And dream of being free.

Unfenced

Too often we allow ourselves to be dictated by our emotions, we let ourselves become fused with them.

“I am scared” vs. “I feel scared”

We unconsciously come to see our emotions as our identity and our destiny.

A person who is obsessed with their own feelings and satisfaction, is a person who is unable to look outside themselves, or hold values beyond their own credit and gain.

Feeling better doesn’t mean being better. Cliches like “go with your intuition” “go with your gut” “follow your heart” pollute our mind space and limit us and reduce us to what we feel.

You are not your emotions.

Identifying emotions as separate then reality allows you to reject that emotion.

Acknowledge the feeling but then act based on something more than the feeling. (Biological suggestions not commandments)

Also, not every bad emotion is a result of some underlying trauma. Sometimes you feel bad due to not being able to express other emotions. We sit with emotions that end up transforming to new ones when we tuck the original ones away.

We often lie to ourselves even if we don’t know what we’re lying to ourselves about. The only reason we do this is to make ourselves happy. But by lying to ourselves we mortgage our long term needs in order to fulfill our short term desires.

Many of us think “If I could just ___” or “If I could just have ___ my life would be better.”

It’s a great evolutionary strategy but bad for our happiness.

Learn to enjoy change and the challenge. There is great importance in focusing on the journey and not the finish line.

Oh and happiness truly is just feeling joy momentarily. . .more often. Happiness does not mean not experiencing all other emotions. In order to truly enjoy happiness you must be able to dive into the depths of sadness and learn how to become grounded after anger.

All in all, just feel it all, but do not become encompassed by it.

Today's Resources:

Provides support groups for individuals who struggle with emotional problems through a 12-step program.

https://emotionsanonymous.org

Offers an online community and resources for survivors of trauma, abuse, sexual assault, and more. Also provides resources for resulting mental health issues, like dissociative Identity disorder, addiction, and PTSD.

http://www.fortrefuge.com

The night before

It's 9:21pm and usually around this time, my brain is starting to twist and turn. Often times, I find that it's much easier to focus this uneasy feeling on something that may have happened that day, or week. It's easy to blame this ball of emotions that I feel so deeply on an interaction I had with someone or my performance throughout the week. And sometimes, I distract myself with a to-do list or find videos to watch to help better myself. No matter how my night goes, I know my behaviors every day, help me avoid sleep like it's the plague. . . avoid sleep and avoid my bed.

You could probably do very minimal searching to get to loads of articles and videos on why your bedroom and bed should be your sacred place. Those articles that tell you that you should only sleep in your bed; no use of electronics or watching television. As I sit in mine right now, writing this, I can easily say that sounds like torture. And probably not for the same reason it may be for others. Without distraction, as I lay in my bed, I have no other choice but to think about how unsafe I feel in it.

My bed is not a sacred place and sleep has always been my enemy. Sleep is supposed to bring you back to life. And I can easily say that my relationship with sleep has always been a toxic one. One of those that drains you until you can no longer fight back. There comes a day in the week where I no longer can deny it and my body forces me to sleep for hours on end; like a weekly winter hibernation. When I'm at that point, I don't have the energy to think before sleep. But any other day, my body and brain are unconsciously doing things that will keep me awake as long as possible. Lucky for me, as I am on this journey of healing, I can say I'm more aware and my unconscious choices have been highlighted for me to digest and understand.

to be continue. . .

Note: This was written exactly one week ago & uploaded today.

Today's Resources:

Provides information, resources and confidential hotline for survivors of sexual assault. https://www.rainn.org

SafeBAE is a student-founded, student-led organization whose mission is to end sexual violence among middle and high school students. SafeBAE provides information on safe bystander intervention, dating and sexual violence, affirmative consent, and survivor care.

https://safebae.org

You Deserve to Experience the Good.

I wanted to start off this morning by reminding you that, you deserve to experience the good no matter how many terrible things that are going on in the world. Do not allow your empathy for the world to cause you to think that you don't deserve good because what's happening around us.

We are programmed to think that since there's so much suffering going on, that we too should be suffering. This is false. Your suffering only contributes more suffering to the world.

However, Your joy contributes more joy to the world. Your happiness is significant and matters. Your individual experience of happiness makes a difference. You are meant to improve the world through your own happiness.

So as we embark on this new year, whether things seem to be getting better or worse around you, remember that does not change your worthiness of happiness and good experiences.

I love you!

Today's Resources:

Provides customized mindfulness solutions that are tailored to each person's daily moods.

https://my.life

Offers lessons, activities, and up-to-date research on how to understand and boost self-esteem.

https://healthyselfesteem.org

Thoughts

Ideas can be intangible forces, but they have more power than the physical brains that give birth to them. They have the power to live on. Everything which we create begins in the form of a thought impulse. No one can create anything which he or she does not first conceive a thought.

You never can tell what a thought will do, in bringing you hate or love— For thoughts are things, and their airy wings are swifter than doves. They follow the law of the universe—each thing creates its kind, and they speed over the track to bring you back, whatever went out from your mind.

Faith is the only thing that can give your thoughts a spiritual nature...faith and fear make poor partners; where one exists the other cannot.

Today's Resources:

Provides dating abuse programs and peer support via text for young people. Also gives information on navigating the justice system and finding safety.

http://www.breakthecycle.org

Provides information and resources about relationship abuse, sexual assault, gender violence, barriers for leaving, and safety planning. (Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing approved)

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/help/

Connection

Connect with your self and stop giving up your power. For those of us who have given our power away and we do have gifts, it will be hard to use them with out being empowered. You can only attract similar energies; what you have inside or how you function is what you will meet. No matter how hard you try. Separate yourself from things that don’t serve you anymore; Shift your perception or how you see yourself and it will shift how you see the world and others. When we are mindful of our behavior then we can control it.

Today's resources:

Provides delivery and support in communities during the COVID-19 pandemic.

https://helpinghands.community

Provides short-term financial assistance to individuals and families in temporary crisis who are ineligible for conventional financial assistance

https://home.crisistextline.org/app/UserHome

Improvise & Adapt

“In the last 10% of an endeavor, you are asked to do the most with the least resources left. As you approach the summit, you have less strength, fewer supplies, and more hostile conditions. But the same challenge that has taken this toll has made you the climber to finish the mountain. The first stages of the accent have honed you to the edge of who you were; only the end can forge you into something more.”

Some of our most valued resources are improvisation and adaptability. There is large importance in not falling to the thoughts of giving up when you're close to the end. When you are facing the end, you are often preoccupied with the completion of the goal while also thinking about if it's possible. You start to overthink the choices you made along the way and how maybe if you would have done something differently, you would be in a further along place in your journey towards your goal. During this period where we feel the most uncomfortable, and are being challenged is where we start to be hyper focused on every detail.

Levels of discomfort fall on a scale of perception. What may be extreme for you, might end up being bearable for another. And then what once may have been extreme to you, is now comfortable and you are able to look back at the time of discomfort like it was a lifetime ago. As humans, we are built to last based on what we do for our physical, mental and emotional selves.

Keep going. Keep taking care of yourself.

“A mountain climbed to the summit is a mountain that doesn't have to be climbed twice.”

Today's Resources:

TheTribe Wellness Community — Connects teens and adults to online peer support groups for help facing mental health challenges and/or difficult family dynamics. Also provides a directory to find a local therapist.

https://support.therapytribe.com

NAMI: Getting treatment during a crisis — Explains how different mental health crisis response services work to help discover and choose which option is best for a person's current crisis

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Getting-Treatment-During-a-Crisis

Would you rather?

Let's play. . .

Would you rather be the person everyone wished they knew or the person everyone was happy to know? —I would rather be someone people remembered and had a connection with.

Never age physically or never age mentally? —I like my mental, let me age physically (LOL it was hard to say that as a Taurus Esthetician)

Marry the person of your dreams or have the job of your dreams? —UGH. I want both. But I believe we don't dream of the person we are meant to be with, so job of my dreams for sure.

Have a pause button in your life or have a rewind button? —Pause for sure. Sometimes things go too fast. And if we had a pause maybe we wouldn't need a rewind.

There's something about this game that forces us to use that muscle where we have to make tough decisions. The crossroads choice — “which way is the right way?” These are often the most stressful for me to make due to the fact that I really like to control most variables. But this game is a reminder, you can't be in control of everything. Life is about mistakes, rejoicing, living in the moment, pain at times, but also a lot of joy. We need it all. There's no way we can have one without the other. So when things seem to be repetitively low, just know you will rise soon again.

I love you.

Today's Resources:

Offers informative resources for men with depression.

https://headsupguys.org

Facilitates the sharing and doing of acts of kindness both digital and real for those looking for connection and a happier world.

https://kindness.org/?