Hello and welcome to OCF, or Orthodox College Fellowship! As your OCF Chapter President, I, Angus (“Pantaleimon — I’m pre-med”) Sangiovese, thought I should give you a few tips for the upcoming year. Please read this carefully, as it is compiled based on the experience of myself and the other OCF members.

1. “I had to write a paper” won’t fly with your priest.

2. “I had a church service” won’t fly with your prof.

3. Neither “I skipped church” nor “I got a C-” will fly with Yiayia.

4. When Paul said, “Therefore let us not sleep, as do the rest, but let us watch and be sober” (1 Thes. 5:6), he wasn’t speaking in favor of all-nighters.

5. Your priest can’t give you a blessing for underage drinking just because you’ve been sipping vodka since Pascha 1999. Tikhon already asked.

6. Give glory to God in all things. Including that pop quiz in your 8:00 am bio class. (McNab schedules them for every other Thursday. Schaeffer prefers Tuesdays but is somewhat less regular.)

7. Sometimes, you have to break the fast. However, bacon is not an acceptable option.

8. Some rules haven’t changed since kindergarten: When in doubt, call Yiayia.

9. “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” (1 Cor 10:31)

Remember that your fellow OCF members are available at all hours of the day and night if you get in a pickle. The student vegan association has granola bars for sale in the student lounge for $1, and don’t drink the coffee in the administrative building. Don’t ask.
Love in Christ,
Angus and your fellow OCFers

This report filed by Terce Reporter Brigid Strait, and it is late because her alarm didn’t go off. Don’t worry, FutureBabushka has already beaten her with a cane.

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10. “But Father, I stayed up so late reading Akathists I slept through my alarm….”

9. Your bedroom is so cold you’re not leaving unless the down comforter comes with you, and the priest reprimanded you the last time you showed up in nothing but a blanket and a headscarf.

8. You were craving bacon so badly you didn’t think you could make it through the service.

7. “All my church-appropriate clothing was in the laundry.”

6. You didn’t have any gas money left after paying the Orthodox Youth Conference fee.

5. You couldn’t get last night’s make-up off, and you wouldn’t dare face Baba like this.

4. You procrastinated on a paper due Monday morning and are frantically doing it now.

3. Hungover.

2. “I was on my way out the door when I sat down to read a webcomic…”

1. The dog ate your prayer rope.

This article filed by Terce reporter Brigid Strait.

To read the story of The Monkles (no, Pavel is not dead), please see Your Intrepid Editor’s blog.

Dear Aunt Irina,

My son is 3 years old and he is not gaining weight.  What diet do you recommend?  The books I have read say that I should allow him to choose what foods he eats, and when.  What do you think about this?
Sincerely,
Seraphima
 
Dear Seraphima,
It was not diets in 19h century Russia! No, it was not little boys being particularing a bout their food and mothers being for to anxious all the time!!!

First, in Sverdlovsk, it was never letting little boys choosing what they eat.  It was starving, and suffering and podvig for everyone.  If your little boy is being to choose what he eats, what he doesn’t eat, what is he learning?  He is learning that everything is being about him all the time, even when he is not eating (fasting).  Now, I am not being a priest, so I am not in positioning to say whether you should being fasting or not; is not my department.  But I am saying is not okay to being letting little boy dictate to you, Mama of the House, what he is  being eating, doing, saying, or anything.  My advice:  Be a Mama.  Be a Mistress of the Kitchen, and keeper of all things to doing with food.  YOU are the authority.  Do not being let a little boy tell you what is going out of kitchen  Also, make him eat borscht.  This will be teaching him to eat vegetables, and meats and things that making him grow.  Also being to give him an Oreo cookie once in the while. I have never been hearing that an Oreo cookie has being killed a child.
Love,
Aunt Irina

Dear Aunt Irina,

I am a single mother, and I was never married to my son’s father.  (We were married in a  civil ceremony at the courthouse in my city.)  If I marry my new daughter’s father, should I wear white or should I wear another color?
What is appropriate?
Zoe, the Thrice Abandoned
 
Dear Zoe the Thrice Abandoned:
So, you are finally coming to Aunt Irina for the advices.  Well, this is good news  I know you very well.  You are being going to my parish for a very long time, and I know what is being in your situation.  First, you should being going to confession.  But this is for priest to be saying, not Aunt Irina, so what am I saying?  I am saying that you should be wearing the lavender, the light purple, and there is no white for you.  Besides, white is being looking like you trying to being a Cape Cod novice, and we all are knowing there is no such thing as Cape Cod novices.  Be proud who you are being:  a beautiful, strong, and fine Orthodox woman who is not being of this world, but is born to next world of God. 
Wear your lavender and being proud of it, saying:  For who among you has not sinned? Plus, lavender is being much more beautiful, in Aunt Irina’s eyes. 
From Christ’s lips, to Aunt Irina’s ears.
Very warming wishes of the samovar,
Aunt Irina
PS :  Eat lots of borscht.  You will have healthy children if you being eating lots of borscht.

This article published by Baba Suzanne O’Niallovich the Thrice-Unpaid, who is currently complaining of her back and leaning on the Orthodox cane.