A half-remembered dream

“You’re better than this” 

your voice, with its jagged edges 

and rough prickling of my skin,

pierces straight to my heart. 

Your love is stark, it’s granite constant

and demanding as arctic terrain,

pushing me and testing my limits, 

asking more than I feel capable of being… 

and just when I am ready to give up, bone-sore and exhausted from the unforgiving grind,

your eyes catch mine, a world of love in them,

unfathomable, bottomless, expansive as the universe,

and a smile like the rays of the sun warms me,

revealing rugged, untouched inner landscapes 

of incredible beauty and awe.

The shock of that reveal, 

and never knowing when the sun will come out,

keeps me soldiering on…

You throw me a bone sometimes

“It could have been” your lips say,

your eyes already elsewhere…

you have reached the end of the reel, 

where it all ends the same way

and you don’t feel the need 

to live the experience, 

only to have it end anyway. 

And for me, the experience is all there is. 

I didn’t always have the guts 

to step into the unknown…

warm and lost under the shit, 

I was hesitant to explore, 

accepting the blandness as life.

The distant hum of your revving 

and an occasional piercing warm ray

stirred up deep longing for a fuller, freer way.

The timing isn’t right, I’d tell myself…

the time, it was always right.

It wasn’t timing that got in our way… it was my friend, fear. 

And today, I’ve let go of fear… 

before anything can grow,

it needs space to grow into and soil to nourish. 

I am making the space now, 

I am still tilling the soils of my soul

to make them fertile to keep love alive… 

one day, if I am lucky, 

planted seeds will take root and

wildflowers & nourishment will both grow abundantly here,

freely expressed and lovingly cultivated. 

Beauty and function, side by side. 

Method and magic.

You know there will be those days too….

I won’t have the strength anymore

to keep faith in who you expect me to be,

to play the long game,

or to step up to the plate fearless at all times.

I will be human, 

I will be weak and unreasonable,

my spirit will wane and like a gourd creeper,

my tendrils will seek the strength of your trunk to curl around and lean on. 

I will falter and slip, 

unable to break my fall… 

And if I fail to find your fingers to steady me, 

reaching across the chasm to pull me up,

the lived, callused edges of you 

will catch my skin one too many times as I free-fall,

and I’ll accumulate the badges

of a million bleeding micro-lacerations 

and a cracking, breaking heart,

too battered to heal itself again…

and I will slowly exhale my life away

in the same stark crevices 

where injured animals slink away unseen to die…

While you, you will go on as mountains do,

stoic to the end and philosophical in accepting

that death doesn’t always end life,

and love doesn’t always protect it…

and seated deep in the knowing 

that windows are there for squeezing through.

Such a love is possible too.

How is that window looking for squeezing through?
Let’s breathe a while, germinate, and then…

Reach for me, and break my fall…

From the outside looking in – 

I see your soft glances,

Loving eyes following her footsteps

A reassuring voice when she looks up, unsure,

And she sees the whole world shrunk down

To one warm, safe embrace…

Her roots deep, she grows her wings fiercely, 

Knowing in her bones 

that there are no boundaries to hold her back.

You are fully present with her,

More alive in that moment than ever before,

Heart-aware and love-led,

And more beautiful than you will ever know. 

And me, 

I skirt around the edges of life,

A voyeur gulping thirstily from your boundless love, 

Filling my hollows with the leftover mist of your aliveness 

And breathing just a little, 

even if it is but borrowed air… 

“May I?” you exhaled softly before moving close.

Two simple words…

opening up a world of honouring fluid boundaries,

of exploring without exploiting,

accepting without expecting,

‘be’ing without ‘think’ing,

flowing without forcing,

holding without gripping,

receiving without grasping,

and breathing into the moment…

“May I?” gives both of us

a space in time to pause,

notice and tune into the wisdom of the body

…to look within for an answer,

without superimposing the ego’s ideas

onto the delicate fabric of emerging intuition,

and in the sacred space that opens up between us,

we can incubate the seeds

of a million possibilities…

A gnawing, gnashing, gaping gash

Splits open barren lands

Lying inert in my insides;

Crawling spindly legs of disgust

scurry haphazardly across

the graininess of my arid heart – 

Stark, sterile, stone cold and sour now,

it used to beat tender and blushful

when time wove a lighter weave

and fell in soft waves on smooth almond skin

warmed by the winter sun slanting through the bus window,

and your slow smile.

Tell me honey,

does she make your heart flutter

the way mine does when you trace 

circles on my neck?

Tell me sweetie,

does she make your knees go weak

the way mine buckle when you pull me in

and kiss my waiting lips?

Tell me darling,

does her body melt when you speak,

the way mine is set on fire when

your voices caresses me?

Tell me love,

when you look deep in her eyes,

do you see the bottomless love

that drowns you in mine?

And tell me,

Do you respond in this visceral way,

your soul lighting up from within

when she locks eyes with you?

Does her embrace soothe you,

her arms circling you from the back, 

as you lean on her a while?

Do you sleep in peace, your head on her chest,

knowing life’s worries can never touch 

this loving, intimate space 

that’s nurtured between you both?

Does her love lift you up, celebrate you and rejoice in your sheer being?

Does she thirstily drink in your presence, 

disagreeing with your views on some things,

and yet wholly in alignment with you?

Does she consciously think about how you enrich her life, 

and tell you 

how grateful she is for how you care for her?

Does she take the time to express with clarity,

even when disappointed or frustrated or angry,

that you are still loved, respected and adored?

Do her eyes seek you first when she walks in,

a quick smile lighting her lips

and a moment’s heart connection

showing you clear as day, that loving you

is a daily decision she makes?

Tell me…

You look past me, unseeing,

Your eyes shuttered and distant.

Three feet and a galaxy between us,

masters in the craft of unbeing.

A simple moment of daily living

When I called for help, a human ask.

You’ve tuned me out permanently,

It’s all empty, nothing left for giving.

We try to have a conversation,

An exchange of ideas and views. 

When did words become battlefields

And we become warring nations?

You roughly scrape my insides everyday,

Your casual cruelty zesting my heart.

Inflamed, sore, bleeding and off-balance,

your resentment burns me where I lay. 

‘She deserves it’ I see you thinking

‘How dare she talk to me like that?’

Others matter more than me, but you forget 

I’m still here, still talking, though I’m sinking.

Loving me, for you, is about how you feel –

I’m just incidental to the story of your life.

And just like that –

We went from solid to sordid,

From loving to lying,

From pine-fresh new beginnings

to decaying never-endings,

From pulling in gently

To pulling away urgently,

From turning in toward caring solace

To turning away as we fall from grace,

From the budding of possibilities

To the searing flesh of never-will-bes,

From loving whole and loving with fervour 

To limiting how we express what may never

Be.

So I ask –

Can we untwine the threads a while

Separate the inevitable from what makes us smile?

And meanwhile, 

I’ll take your table scraps

Lick your bootstraps 

Be your dirty whore

And then beg you for more

Don’t show me no mercy 

I’m the spawn of controversy 

Bite, slap, restrain, choke

Destroy me, let’s go for broke

Use me, abuse me, fuck me, leave

An ass like that needs no reprieve

If you stop for a moment and feel

Remember, corpses don’t need to heal.

Red-hot, bloodshot, oozing with desire 

Pinned arms, locked lips, setting me on fire. 

Burning orbs, a heart that throbs, keeling over with longing –

and all of this is simply a Quixotic quest for belonging. 

Your arms my walls, your chest my bed, I’d found my home in you.

Shut out again, tear-stained in the rain, once again invisible, see-through.

My lesson learnt, singed and burnt, still not done loving you.

You chose you, and here’s the kicker – I’d have chosen you too.

Gamely you try to articulate why

I’ve wound myself into your day.

I think

It’s the way I moan, a primeval tone,

That holds you in its sway.

I am fertile earth, pregnant to birth

Innumerable possibilities in me.

And you,

You are fiery light, blazing burning white

Penetrating is your destiny.

As the lust fires settle, will I prove my mettle,

Will I stand the test of time?

I know 

I’ll push to the end, swerve with every bend

As we ride the curve of this spine. 

Second best, better than the rest,

I pass the worthiness test

And yet, 

She choped your heart, so we’re a non-start – 

She stands a class apart.

I would leave my world for yours, willingly,

If you just asked me…

Question is,

Would you bring our lives together, for me?

As raindrops belong with the smell of wet earth 

As embers with the leaping flames they feed

As sensuous curves lie with flexing sinews

As sweat & moans belong with writhing heaving desire

As sunshine warming bare cinnamon skin

As jacarandas along tarred summer roads

As laughter splashing around a pool party

As innocence blooming in the embrace of our children

As the sunflower following the footprints of the sun

As the swirling scent of hazelnut coffee heralds dawn

As pigment dissolving into water across Arches paper

As chilli zings the lemon tartness of a Ready-Fire-Aim

As a much-loved shirt creasing itself into familiar folds

As silence acquiesces itself to a lingering sunset

As whispered conversations scent moonlit nights

As train journeys stir up longings in the dark

As waves crest and fall into themselves infinitely 

As mountains belong with snow and solitude

As content cheeks rest on shoulders in repose

As matching strides journey together to explore

As two puzzle pieces locking together perfectly

As bodies moving in rhythm to the tango of life

As young love ripening into timeless giving

As torrential Bhageerathi rushing into the embrace of Mandakini

As a ‘do you want to’ met unfailingly with a ‘yes I do’

As fingers finding each other in jacket pockets

As a breath softly inhaled pauses before flowing out 

As a smile that starts in your eyes ends on my lips.

We belong.