Excuse me, do you work here?

I wasn’t working the day that this conversation happened, but we have a floor notebook where we write down memorable things. This is where I found this gem:

Customer: Hi, where are the comic books?

Co-worker: On the 4th floor, in graphic novels.

Customer: Oh, no. (Embarrassed.) Like, Marvel comics.

Co-worker: Yeah, graphic novels section.

Customer: Look, no, I mean, I don’t want porn. (Last word is whispered.)

There a few rules in Barnes & Noble, one being no stealing, the other being no outside food or drink.  The latter rule isn’t usually a huge deal, since a lot of people come in to use our cafe anyway. The other day, this rule was a huge deal.

On some mornings, schools will come in, sort of like a field trip. The kids will all be given some money to buy books. I think this is great since it gets kids excited about books.  This past week though a group came in and was not very pleased with our rules.

The adults leading the group of kids had a whole pizza with them for the group and each kid had a bag of chips. WHAT THE HELL? Since when do you take an entire pizza into a retail store and expect to sit on the floor and eat it?

Well, my manager informed the woman she could not do this and the woman freaked out, preaching to the kids to never shop in our store again. The whole thing was rather amusing though. She wouldn’t even go up to our cafe to eat, telling the manager that she didn’t understand and there was plenty of room on the floor in the children’s department. IS THIS WOMAN OUT OF HER MIND? How is letting 20 little kids eat pizza and then touch a bunch of books a good idea? I wouldn’t go into Sephora with a pizza and some beer and sit down and eat it. So, why did this woman freak out??

Some people make no sense.

I walked into work yesterday morning feeling quite good despite it being 8:30 in the morning and me being the exact opposite of a morning person. My mood quickly turned when I spotted the presence of the new Twilight board game. I tried to shelf the books while Edward stared me down, but I was just too annoyed that now people would a whole new Twilight-related thing to ask me for.

I guess I should have seen it coming.  Why not make as much money as possible from a brand that had surpassed being a success? I get it. I just don’t think I can handle it much longer.

But I don’t think it’s going away anytime soon…

The section I work in contains the language books. This includes books and audio sets for learning languages as well as the libros en espanol. For the most part I can help people fnd what they want, as well as explain to them why the Rosetta Stone sets are SO expensive. However, I do encounter quite a few people who absolutely cannot understand a word I am saying. This causes problems.

I always thought I was pretty decent at deciphering accents and understanding what people need. I was completely wrong. I deal with tourist after tourist and have to ask them over and over if they can repeat what they said. It’s embarrassing. I feel bad, but I just can’t help it. And that’s when they speak a bit of English.

Sometimes, though, I get the customer who speaks no English, but only Spanish. This is okay if another employee around speaks Spanish. Otherwise I can’t do anything about it. I’ve never been one for picking up new languages. I took 5 years of Spanish and remember maybe 10% of it. So, I am of no help to these customers… and there are many of them.

The thing that gets me though is when they look completely mad that I say no to when they ask me if I speak Spanish. I don’t look Spanish at all. I don’t understand why they get mad at me. It just makes me mad at them. And I already have enough to be mad about.

As I work at the store longer and longer my list of things that really annoy people gets larger and larger.  The most recent addition to this list? Not knowing exactly where something is on another floor.

Though I’ve been working there for about 6 months, the store is HUGE. And we are each hired to work in a specific section.  Now, if I can’t master the children’s department, which is located on the same floor as my section, how am I supposed to master the 3rd or 4th floors, or even the bottom one?

I venture up to the other floors sometimes, but not enough to lead people to their specific locations.

This makes a lot of people very angry. I get the eye rolls and aggravated sighs from them. Really, though, it’s a huge store. I try my best. But it’s impossible for me to be a map of the whole store.

I get a call from the customer service desk telling me there is a man on line 2 asking about study aids. I answer the phone:

Me: Hi, how can I help you?

Customer: I need the Barrons GED book by Steck Vaughn. (He very clearly pronounced the ‘g’ in Vaughn.)

Me: We have a Barron’s one and a Steck Vaughn one. They are 2 different companies.

Customer: No. Steck Vaughn is the author. That’s the one I need. It’s very important.

Me: I’m pretty sure they are different publishers.

Customer: NO. I need the Barrons GED by Steck Vaughn.

Me: That doesn’t exist though.

Customer (under his breathe): Why is every one here so stupid?

Me: Hold on one moment.

I then got one of my co-workers who is much better at handling these situations to take over the conversation. Sometimes I get too frustrated to be of any use.  He didn’t wind up getting his book… because it doesn’t exist.

I have a simple request for consumers. I’m really not asking for much here. When you approach the info desk to ask me a question because you need my help, please remove your iPod headphones. Or at least turn the iPod off… pause it even.  You came to me. You need my help. When you then can’t hear my answer and need me to repeat it because your music is on, you are wasting my time.

Thanks.

I answer the phone: Barnes & Noble, Union Square, how can I help you?

Woman on Phone: Hi, I’m looking for a book, and I was wondering if you could tell me if you have it?

Me: Sure. What’s the title?

Woman: [Title omitted because I can’t remember it. All I know is Jesus was in the title and it was published a LONG time ago.]

Me: I’m sorry, we don’t have it. I can’t order it either because it’s out of print.

Woman: Okay, no problem, but let me ask you a question.

Me: Okay.

Woman: Are you and Amazon the same company?

Me: No. Completely separate.

Woman: I don’t understand. How come you guys have each other’s prices on the sites then? I thought you were the same company.

Me: No. We’re competitors. That’s why they are listed. That’s just how the Internet works.

People taking pictures of pages of books with their Blackberry.

Believe it or not, before I started working at B&N in September I had no idea what Twilight was.  I guess I was too busy not paying attention this summer and reading all the books I had on my bookshelf.  Then I became employed right next to the Teens section of a bookstore.

Twilight quickly became the bane of my existence.

The store has a large table with the books displayed on them. It is easily visible when exiting the escalator. However, no one can ever find it. Along with pointing out the bathroom, telling person after person where they could find the series became daily routine.

All freakin’ day it’s, “Do you know where Twilight is?” “I’m looking for those Stephanie Meyer books.” “I just cannot wait to read the next one!” “Have you read them? You need to!”

I will not read them because I am not interested in doing so. I will especially not read them because I have to point out the very obvious table all day long. I will not read them because I have teenage girl after teenage girl telling me to.  I will not read them because I have to explain at least 3 times each day why the last 2 books are not out in paperback yet.

I need this table to go away.