Is civility a lost art? Or was it ever truly found? Maybe it existed only within certain groups, spheres and social settings. More and more we’re witnessing outright rudeness, under the false guise of being ‘direct’. It’s definitely in politics, surely at work and enduringly in our personal relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, as a society, we’re also struggling with being (arguably) overly sensitive, even about seemingly noninflammatory matters. But I’ll gripe about that social extremity in another blog. Today is about the willfully rude and ungracious hiding in plain sight behind supposed straightforwardness.

There are a myriad of reasons why the self-righteously forthright aim to domineer conversations and fail miserably at basic emotional intelligence (EI) and active listening. Personally, and especially professionally I’ve seen four consistent themes that I’ve described below with what I hope are solutions to those open enough to receive them.

1. False Superiority Complex — Generally there’s a know-it-all aura (if you will) that besieges these folks that is far beyond the bounds of healthy confidence. Coming to conversations in the spirit of collaboration is often a foreign concept, because of a stagnation in their maturity levels, what and how they verbalize is driven by their egos. Their viewpoint is THE viewpoint, even if it’s incorrect.

• Who hurt you? Give serious (if need be perpetual) thought to therapy to understand why you feel the need to talk at people instead of with them. Maybe you were ignored and/or emotionally abused as a child. Many of us can relate, but fundamentally, that’s your own sh!*. Projecting it (knowingly or not) onto others will come back to you karmically in a not-so-great way. You may have a skill set that you’re good at, but talent means nothing if you’re an a**ho!e. Self-importance will have you making the mistake of thinking you’re irreplaceable.

2. Willful Lack of Grace and Tact — The constantly discourteous tend to listen less and talk more, often dominating conversations. They exhibit plenty of aggressive body language, particularly finger pointing, intertwined with a domineering tone and constant interruptions which is a no-no when delivering bad news. What’s lost on these folks is thinking before they speak — and falsely believing that if they communicate with decorum, they’ll appear fake. Contrary to (un)popular belief, no sugarcoating or ambiguity is necessary. Countless times I’ve sat across the table from folks and have been direct — with tact — even in disciplinary and/or termination meetings, ensuring that the affected person has even a modicum of dignity.

• Uncomfortable conversations are a part of life, but often HOW, not what you say is where the impact is especially felt. Refusing to be sensitive to the needs of others when communicating is a sign of a serious lack of EI. Make an effort to gain EI by tapping into your own feelings and considering why you engage the way you do. Do the especially hard work of soliciting feedback about yourself from personal and professional people in your life. You may not like some of the feedback, but at least you’ll see the themes and be able to address them.

3. Perpetrator-to-Victim Trope — These folks set themselves up as victims when someone reflects (or deflects) their energy. They often pout with taciturnity when their incivility is mirrored, particularly if the opposition (who was assumed to be weak) turns out to be unexpectedly verbally strong. These rude orators often stand down, for fear of being put down. I’ve seen this frequently in HR when folks (often managers) engage in public embarrassment (i.e., hostile work environment) activities with someone they view as subordinate and when said ‘subordinate’ instead embarrasses the manager back, they (the manager) is soon in my office demanding retribution (disguised as disciplinary action). I’m often given woe-is-me explanations of merely ‘trying to provide guidance’ when in fact it was an exertion of power and privilege that backfired. A lack of self-awareness is often rife both in the workplace and at home. Many often cannot take what they dish.

• Check your intention(s): Is your intention to be a know it all under the guise of being ‘helpful’? Is your intention to tell someone off — constantly? Sometimes, there are variances, but most times, folks are intent on projecting their anger, opinions, etc., due to unresolved issues. Lastly, is your intention a tactical attempt to show or demonstrate your (feigned) greatness? Be honest with yourself and course correct. Discourse is human and even healthy when combined with respect.

4. Rudely Repetitious — In meetings where the power dynamic is uncomfortably equivalent or superior, the conversationally-inept, cannot willingly accept dissention, which is often a given in any human gathering. Instead, what you see is a constant, unnecessary repetition of why things must be done their way instead of engaging in a fruitful discussion of a possible different method. Instead, they often needlessly overstate and repeat phrases such as:

“As I’ve already said…”

“Let me explain a different way…”

“What you don’t seem to understand is…”

· Accept Dissent: Unless someone explicitly states they don’t understand and/or requests clarification, there is NO need to clarify by way of giving multiple examples simply because you don’t like the feeling or experience of opposition. People will push back and at times, necessarily so. That needn’t be personalized. Rather, try asking yourself why you respond to disagreement with covert aggression and obvious condescension, poorly disguised as professional elucidation. Quiet as you may like it kept, diversity of thought is essential to growth and a major contributor to success. Your way of doing things isn’t always going to be the best nor reign supreme.

How to Stop? Did I mention therapy? In addition (or as a start) a coach is a good person to have on your team. Many coaches are certified and specialize in communication. They’re brilliant at assessing your style, ensuring you remain you, while working on some of the rough edges that often drive (control) our interactions. Be candid, always — and consistently combine it with courtesy. If you find this hard to do or believe, your ego is in the way.

Heads-up/Preface: The terms ‘God’ and ‘Universe’ are used interchangeably here. Read on if you’re good with that. If not, hope to see you again soon.

I’m a believer in nature, energy and sometimes beings. Monotheistic? Not really. Polytheistic? Perhaps. Religious? No. Spiritual? Definitely. What I do believe is that there’s more to humanity than meets the eye or that religion, science and technology will ever fully explain or attempt to attain. For most of us, behind those efforts of attainment, are inquiries of the most important kind such as ‘Who am I?’ and ‘How’d I get here?’

Many of us were taught to praise and raise our inherited deity(ies) but rarely (if ever) to question them. I came from a place of churchgoing, religious-driven, sometimes devout women, who I bet questioned and avoided God. Like them, I was good for asking: ‘Why me?’, ‘Why not me?’ and ‘How come?’ But then I’d obediently preface (or end) my self-righteous interrogation with ‘I’m not questioning you God!’ It wasn’t until I started to freely and unashamedly question God that I got answers. Really, the answers had been there. I was not ready to receive and listen to their truth. Truth was something to avoid.

For many years, I had major turbulence in my life that included burnout (career and marriage), single parenthood and parenting a parent to name a few. I had a huge to-do list and neurotically called for a major theologically divine life overhaul. But, while I repeatedly hit redial, I felt I kept getting the Universe’s busy tone. I questioned even cursed God. Even tried to banish God from my life — which didn’t work and did me absolutely no good. Plus, it was that type of angry avoidance that caused all the subsequent, often irrational inquiries in the first place.

Self-indignant, I paraded my demands as requests. My agitated existence finally hit rock bottom. Emotionally exhausted, vision and voice temporarily disabled, I was forced to listen. As a result, I got all manner of unwanted, but necessary responses:

Rejection = Disguised as protection

Loss of negative relationships = Gained freedom

Trusting too easily = Better discernment

Honoring folks’ actions = Honoring myself with self-awareness

The undesired answers to my line of vitriolic questioning was nothing but the Universe challenging me to do and be better. The more I asked and avoided or ignored the response, the Universe put more lessons in my path interrogating my improvement.

What I started to learn is that I didn’t have to like the answer, but I had to be receptive to it. That willingness to receive what I often willfully failed to acknowledge began to give me fuel to do something about it.

Today, in my oft siloed world of words, I now understand that the universe is full of answers, waiting for me to seek them. I inquire now with openness to receive and welcome truth, even if I know I’m not going to like it. At times, I also ask myself the same question(s) I was gearing up to put to God.

So go on and make your inquiries. Be open to the answer(s) however you receive them.

Appreciate YOU for reading! Find me on IG and please subscribe if you’re so inclined to read about this thing called life.

I might do other things that earn me more money, but at my core, I’m a writer. It’s what I do authentically and most importantly what brings me joy.

I’ve written two books, a script and several blogs. All from the heart. All various subject matters that I have either experienced or have little to no knowledge of. I plan to go all-in with writing, so I founded my own publishing company. Random House, I am not, (nor do I want to be) but I feel good about it even with all of the dis-ease that comes with being an entrepreneur.

I didn’t know how to be a mother and nearly 2.5 decades in, I’m still doing it and still learning how to do it. Along the motherhood way, I gained the varied skill sets of a janitor, doctor, fire fighter, chauffeur, therapist, quasi-athlete, seamstress, personal assistant, enemy, mediator and what often seems like a permanent financier. I hope to do it til my last breath — except the financier part, eventually, I’d like my wallet back.

It used to be not knowing scared the sh!t out of me. Now, not doing something whether I know how to or not is what I live in fear of. More and more, I question what failure really is. Right now, fear = inaction.

Recently, a family member was released from prison after 30 years. In nine months, he went to school, earned a professional certification while working full-time and started his own business. I look at him, inspired and think I ain’t got no damn excuse.

I don’t care if I don’t know. I’ll find out. I’m not always supposed to know til the journey leads me to it. Paralytic fear only releases us when we start to move. I’m good with not fully knowing what I’m trying to do because I’m doing it. Doing is a verb. It’s action. When and if there’s a time to be still, I will.

I’m old enough now to know I’d rather live and feel my way around in the abyss of chance than see the proverbial light of possibility on my death bed.

Because I purposely dwelled primarily in my conscious mind, I spent much of my youth repressing feelings because of my upbringing training. To be sure, I wasn’t quiet, but nor was I outspoken. I most certainly wasn’t always direct or a ‘straight-shooter.’ In the moments I was outspoken if what I had to say wasn’t agreeable, I’d be shamed and guilted for it, both personally and professionally.

That said, being quasi-passive in our communication inevitably bleeds into other areas of our life, a core and critical one being discernment. See, we’re all always intuitive, but if your training has been to repress and not express, you’ll inevitably start to bypass red flags and allow folks touting huge red banners into our already dysregulated emotional space.

It took me awhile to unlearn communicative repression and finally move into healthy expression. It’s freeing, no sugar-coated communication that if done sans rudeness, with a sprinkling of tact and grace, is far more impactful than ‘shooting from the hip.’ Letting it out in a healthy way combines the results of therapy, communication courses, and mainly trust in self (which is a whole ‘nother blog). I let it out so as to not withhold data from those I choose to be in communication with. The few folks in my (way) more healthy emotionally regulated sphere have earned, deserve and insist upon my unfiltered, no BS yet respectful speak. They reciprocate the same raw and unwavering respect to me as well.

Letting go is altogether different. It’s a release many of us (me included) have not yet mastered. For most of us, we know logically that letting go does not mean to forget or condone. Yet emotionally it’s still difficult to somehow not blend it with undeserved forgiveness.

Though, step-by-step, we get better at releasing some things and then eventually others. Eventually. Depends on the day. Depends on the level of gratitude we may have that day. Depends on the affront.

What I do know is that while letting go can be a challenge, NOT letting go often leads to anxiety and depression. I’m positive that this dynamic destructive duo has destroyed many healthy white blood cells of mine. Hell, both my mother and grandmother lived and died without letting things go. Their minds and bodies played host to parasitic shame, anger, and profound sadness. Their deaths taught me that we cannot have genuinely authentic relationships with folks who only choose to dwell on the surface.

How do we let it go? When I get my sh!* together, I’ll gladly share. Til’ then, you and I, my friend will have to stumble through the journey on finding answers to this. It’s certainly multi-layered and lMO, looks and feels different for us all. For now, all I can offer are a few suggestions, in no specific order:

· Emotionally accept the past. This sh!* is hard as hell, but necessary. Logically accepting the past is far less challenging. Emotional acceptance requires being open to engaging in profound depth with the self — and sitting in it. Remember, this doesn’t mean we forget or condone

· Challenge rumination. By consistently disrupting negative repetitive thoughts with opposite ones, we can re-train our brains to stop hyper focusing on things we cannot change and are actively trying to heal from

· Don’t do it alone. A support team (even of just one person) invested in your well-being makes a huge difference

· Don’t be an open book about your journey. In the beginning, moving in silence is crucial to keeping an ear out for those who refuse to be attuned to your progress. As I’ve grown, I share various parts of my journey(ies) as comfortably necessary. Not everyone deserves emotional access to you. Share it sparingly, only with those that have earned it

Letting it out can lead to Letting it go if we’re open to it. Both are vital to restorative, peaceful emotionality. I wish that for all of us this new year and beyond.

Those that know me well, know I enjoy my solitude. I enjoy my own company. I enjoy the still quiet of aloneness. There is truth in it. I’m no hermit though. Just an introvert fairly adept at navigating extrovert terrain. The gift is that those closest to me also enjoy solitude, but you’d never know it when we get together because our pow-wows are lit! The beauty in these relationships is that we can go for weeks, even months without seeing each other and pick up right where we left off as if there was no separation between time and space. There is a spiritual kinship I have with these folk. Some related, some not. It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve found my tribe, my soul mates.

Along the way though, I’ve loved and lost (both romantically and platonically) mostly for reasons that were obvious, such as outgrowth, mal-intent or somewhere between the two. But there were some relationships (kin or kin-like) that went awry for reasons unbeknownst to me. Perhaps I was intolerable and did something(s) wrong? Maybe I pissed off someone’s constantly disrespectful mama? While I don’t think I’m hard to get along with, through steady growth, I’ve learned not to suffer fools. It’s a boundary of mine that many I don’t speak to take issue with. Go figure. Hell, I don’t even suffer my own foolishness.

Though, I’d be lying if I said at the time, I didn’t incessantly replay in my mind what I possibly did wrong and all the accompanying coulda, woulda, shouldas that go hand in hand with anxious obsessing over BS. The end is still the same, I wasn’t made aware of any infraction(s) and wasn’t given the opportunity to possibly course correct (if necessary). As hard as these conversations are, IMO, withholding that kind of data, then proceeding to wholly avoid and ignore a person is tantamount to cowardice and betrayal. Seriously, when folks ghost you, but lack the decency and courage to tell you why, then I’d say the relationship was far less important to them that it was to you.

I once had a long-cherished friendship with someone who I also worked for. (Recipe for disaster, I now know). Let’s call this person Terry. Terry decided they no longer wanted to be CEO of the small company that they hired me to consultant and got another job. Terry was highly competent, but a terrible manager. Terry’s staff couldn’t stand them. Terry’s bosses (the board of directors) also found Terry difficult. So, Terry quit. Despite the difficulties with Terry, the board made a good faith effort to try to retain Terry and asked me to draw up a counteroffer, matching Terry’s new job’s salary along with the caveat that Terry had to also agree to (much needed) executive coaching. Butt-hurt, balking and bridges set ablaze, Terry left the company. The board then asked me to step in to temporarily serve as CEO while they conducted a search. I agreed and after a few months, when I refused to provide Terry with any insider gossip, Terry then proceeded to tell our friends in common that I “stole” their job — and ceased speaking to me, with no explanation. This was 10+ years ago. To this day, though I’d never share it; I still have Terry’s email receipt and review of the counteroffer as proof that no job theft occurred. Sigh. Unbeknownst to Terry, our common friends laugh at them for still peddling this lie.

Willfully missing events (without simply declining invites), ignoring calls or returning texts/emails exorbitantly late (if at all) is cowardice. With email, snail mail, texts and Zoom, even a simple “F*ck U” is possible with little effort. Though the tried-and-true method of talking face-to-face or calling someone is still the best way to hash things out or end them, hopefully civilly.

So maybe those relationships are meant to be permanently lost or perhaps they exist in a purgatory of sorts. Upon thorough introspection, if you can honestly say (and know) that you made restorative and reparative efforts that went unanswered, then consider yourself blessed that these folks cycled out of your life. Inevitably, when they come out of the woodwork (and they will), keep it short and sweet, and keep it pushin’!

Originally published on: www.imwrite.net

My childhood wasn’t necessarily bad, but I wouldn’t describe it as ideal either.

Always had a roof over my head and never starved. Basic essentials were taken care of. However, what we describe as “basic essentials” for a healthy childhood today are (thankfully) changing. My parents lived and died by the basic essentials mantra of “at least you were clothed and fed.” This was true. But where my parents fell short was providing an emotionally stable and mentally healthy childhood. Simply put, they weren’t equipped, it wasn’t in them. Likely because they weren’t taught.

That said, my formative years (which are zero to eight, plus or minus, depending on who you speak to), although sheltered and well fed, were emotionally malnourished. The ripple effects of that starvation reached well into my 30s to middle age (whatever that is).

But even from eight to 38, though I was supposedly “formed”, I was actually still being formed. I was still being worked on and worked with. It’s not unique to me. We’re all trying to manage childhood behavioral habits. These ways of being can be positive or negative. Nonetheless, we manage them or let them manage us. But throughout the years, growth is inevitable.

We experience things good, bad or indifferent that cause us to take various forms whether we’ve sanctioned the experience or not. We never stop growing and even if we get set in our ways, mistakenly believing the clay is dry, life does an unexpected super soaker drive-by rendering us pliable again.

Here’s my journey of tearing myself down — to the studs and rebuilding.

Teens — Externally impressionable only

Like a lot of teenagers, my friends mattered most to me. More than that, friends were the only “place” I could seemingly receive acknowledgement of worth. Again, not that my parents didn’t love me, but they weren’t capable of teaching self-worth as a result, I had very little of it. Therefore, I sought external validation from my friends the same way I yearned for it from my parents as a little girl.

Twenties — Barely pliant, with necessary cracks in the foundation

Married with kids. Growth was inevitable but I was still enslaved to the habits and societized chains of the past (i.e., to be a good wife and mother, it was my job to take care of everyone else to my own detriment). I questioned things but refused to answer them honestly. Red flags, NO, huge red banners would appear before I embarked upon something obviously harmful and I still went forward, eyes wide open.

Thirties — Decade of dismantlement

Metamorphosis is an understatement. I began challenging my parents (although one was deceased) and filed for divorce. My past, present and future were all under cross-examination. Family, friends, bosses, co-workers and colleagues were assessed to see if they’d remain as part of the inventory, because I’d finally started to learn not to put myself up for sale, and some of those in my space, had to go. Growing a new backbone was immensely painful, but it gave me a better structure and framework.

Now — Taking Shape

My emotional coming together is (while a work in progress) pretty solid. I know what I know and am steeped in what I don’t know. I’m confident and comfortable in my accomplishments and insecurities alike. I’m learning to lean in to fears and challenge the BS of the past I allowed myself to believe. One of those fears is the excuse of age. I remember putting off progress in my 20s thinking I was too damn old for certain things. Adversity gave me the tools I needed to shovel that shit into the grave it belonged in. I’m ever forming, remaining stagnant is in opposition to that.

Originally published on: I’m Write (imwrite.net)