After that session, I knew I had to share with the gyals dem to reduce the number of people going around clueless about their genitalia and some of the challenges we face as vulva owners. With this article, I’ll break down (in the most layman's way that I can) what these terms mean. Let's start with the body part, the vagi- (scratch that) vulva.

The Vagina vs The Vulva

No, the vagina was not renamed, we have been misnaming our woman part, babe. The vagina-l (opening) is a part of the vulva. Just like your eyes, nose, & others make up your face, so does your vagina & others make up your vulva. The diagram below is a well-labeled vulva.

Vaginismus

Once, I bragged to a friend that no matter how hard he tried, he’d never be able to penetrate me. He laughed saying “na jazz?” Then he proceeded to try, believe me when I tell you that all his effort were met by a wall at my vaginal opening. He was confused, scared, and scarred. I, on the other, felt very proud of my penis-blocking skills. It wasn’t until two years after that experience that I heard of vaginismus and also confirmed that I had that condition.

Vaginismus simply put is a condition where penetration into the vagina feels impossible and even when it happens, it hurts. This doesn’t only occur with the penetration of a penis into a vagina but also with things like sex toys, and tampons. The good people at Flo share in depth, what vaginismus is and what to do if you (think you) have it.

Vaginitis And Vaginosis

A healthy vagina is naturally home to different types of healthy, acid-producing bacteria. These bacteria are called vaginal floral and help to regulate the pH balance of the vagina.

Vaginitis is a term that encompasses different types of vaginal irritations, such as yeast infections, trichomoniasis, and vaginosis. At Planned Parenthood, they say almost everyone with a vulva gets vaginitis at some point. Read more about vaginitis and vaginosis from Planned Parenthood

I hope with this, I have been able to break down what these terms mean. If you found this article helpful, please leave a comment and share it in your circle.

Cheers babes

xoxo

Foreplay can be the yeast to your sexual dough

According to bakerpedia.com, yeast not only leavens dough but also provides flavor, and aroma and contributes to the nutritional value of dough. Like yeast, activities termed foreplay can and will provide flavor, and aroma and contribute to the value of sex. This doesn’t mean though that such activities can only prelude coital engagements.

Setting the tone for sex is a necessary part of engaging in it. Person(s) involved may include activities ranging from sexting, sharing nudes, reading erotica, kissing, licking, fingering, biting, etc. These activities are often termed foreplay. Rightly so, they are, but they should not be limited to being just that. To limit some acts as ‘foreplay’ is to posit that there’s a hierarchy in sex; thereby saying that penetration is a more important act during the course. This is fallacious. Sex is multi-dimensional.

Foreplay can be a one-ingredient recipe or part of a 12-course meal

Sexual activities can be inserted at any point during sexual engagements. A whole session of sex can go down without penetration and still be sensational, pleasurable, orgasmic, and fulfilling.

With sex, I have and believe that we should all adopt a to-each-his-own approach. However, this approach comes with a high level of sexual awareness — a high level of discernment. It is knowing what works for you and being open to knowing what works for your partner(s). It is acknowledging that on some days, a quickie will do and on other days, showing off your sexual prowess is what will suffice.

To know that porn and/or social media are not real life, that friends may lie about their sexual abilities and/or inabilities — their truths are not yours, that one’s sexual preference may/can change over time and that’s okay. As you go through your sexual liberation journey, being open-minded is imperative, as well as knowing which voice is yours and which is society’s.

My point is labels are cool but what’s even cooler is you and yours saying “fuck that, here’s what works for us and we will very much enough every bit of it.” As well as being open to learning more and talking about sex generally and as it plays out in your personal lives. Communication is key. In partnered coital engagements, talking about pleasuring and being pleasured is absolutely necessary. This way, you are in tune with yourself and your partner(s).

Sex should be enjoyed, don’t limit your enjoyment by believing that some things must be done at the beginning, middle or end. Society is not in bed with you so get its voice out of your head and enjoy that head ;)

I’m tempted to say I don’t think anyone is bad at sex, actually, maybe you are. JK! No one is bad at sex, not even you. Really though, what does it mean to be bad at sex? Let’s start by deconstructing the term ‘sex’.

What Do We Believe Sex Is?

From pornography, Hollywood imaging, magazine covers, to locker room talks, etc. giving us a totally unrealistic and over-sexualized version of what sex is, we’ve been and are still drowning in this fallacy of perfect sex.

We live in a world with a super confusing sexual culture. The pressure from the above-mentioned have curated what sex is supposed to look, feel & be like. On the other side of this is silence. Silence, shame, repression. We have been groomed to not talk about sex. It’s like once you’re old enough, you just know what to do. Lies from the pit of hell!

Drawing from these, we can collectively agree that our position on sex is both hypocritical and fallacious. If not, why is the home — the bedrock of society — peddling stories of shame and silence, while the media is pushing the agenda of perfect sex. This shows how bad things have fallen apart — we have failed at sex.

What Is Sex? — Failing Forward.

We have come to a point where we approach sex like we would a job, mathematics equation, or a sport. We try to figure it out, get it right, go through the motions, do our duty, play a good game, make it to the finish line & fake it. It hurts when we do that. Although the fault isn’t anyone’s, this piece is a call to action to take back our bodies and beds.

Sex and sexual exchanges have become complicated, intricate, and/or awkward, which shouldn’t be. Sex and/or sexual exchange is what you & yours consensually say it is. The onus of making sex what it is — a part of life — lies on each of us. We need to begin telling the truth. We need to trust ourselves. The script is ours, as much as we need to put our best foot forward, we should do so truthfully. Sex and/or sexual exchange is an art, not just an act & the good news is we are all naturally endowed to flourish at it. I see you raising your eyebrows, wanting to ask: ‘so what about people who aren’t sexually attracted to people?’ This is where being truthful comes in. Not everyone wants to have sex & that is valid. As a society, we should be more truthful and open to the fact that more truths than one can exist. Life isn’t a word & opposite homework, many things exist on a spectrum, get with it, people!

— This piece is informed largely by Sarah Byrden’s Tedx speech.

I agree with Laurie Mintz Ph.D. when she said, “I am not blaming penises for the orgasm gap, nor am I blaming the men who own them. I’m also not blaming the women who have sex with the men who own them. The orgasm gap is a cultural problem.”

Statistically, a woman has one orgasm for every three that her partner enjoys in a heterosexual setting, that is called the orgasm gap. Men, did you gasp in disbelieve? Ladies, did you sigh in relief of not being alone? Well as it seems, many men can swear that their partners almost always cum during sex and said partners say the opposite is true. This begs the question of if women are bad in orgasm or if men are all up in their heads? I say no one gender is to blame. Bridging the orgasm gap is a task for all.

Female sexuality is one that is covered in shame hence, a dreaded conversation in society. The consequence of this shame culture is that many women have no idea how to be, sexually. They just make do with whatever comes by which inherently leaves many men assuming that they are acing this sex thing. To fix this broken system, we all need to come to terms with the fact that female orgasm is a thing. Contrary to what many have been led to believe, it can be achieved with ease.

The ease of access to a woman’s orgasm stems out of letting go of shame about our bodies and owning our pleasure. This may seem like a tall order as many women are grappling with communicating their sexual needs or prioritizing their own sexual pleasure, but the way around it is education, practice and communication.

I was 24 before I could correctly label a vulva (what many call vagina) and till date, many 24-year olds will struggle. Proper education about the female genitalia (and sexuality) is now, more than ever a necessity, as it’s a step to helping us understand our sexual needs and even enjoy sex. Isn’t it fascinating that more women cum via oral stimulation than penetration? Matter of fact, the sole function of the clitoris is pleasure generation!

Sister girl, put behind you, the days of feeling awkward to touch yourself (masturbate) because practice makes perfect. Also, how will you guide your partner to pleasure you when you have no idea how to do that for yourself. Explore yourself sister!

Dear men, sex toys are not the enemy here so get over being emasculated, well at least until your penis can vibrate. Neither does sex end when you orgasm as it averagely takes a woman about fourteen minutes to orgasm while it takes you about 6 minutes so, easy papa, there’s more to it than penetration.

Enjoying sex, reaching orgasm and bridging the orgasm gap requires mutual effort. Parties involved should comfortably talk about the things that drive them wild, sets them at ease and gets them going. Being open to exploring and experiencing several ways of sexual pleasure without judgment is key.

In the middle of sex, exercising or yoga — BOOM, out of nowhere, your vagina lets out air & you’re confused, but mostly embarrassed because you have no idea what just happened. You’re certain it’s not fart, but who’s gon believe you?! Sister girl, you’ve just queefed! Be rest assured that it’s normal and nothing to worry* or be embarrassed about.

Queef pronounced /kweef/

AKA Vaginal flatulence is the expulsion of air or gas from the vagina. Now, you’re wondering how air got trapped in your vagina. During sex (partnered or solo), the movement of the penis and/or sex toys in and out of the vagina can sometimes cause air to enter and then become trapped. When your muscles tense from an orgasm or when the penis or sex toy is removed, the gas will then be released. This can cause an odorless noise and feel like bubbles.

Okay, I get why it can happen during sex. Why am I queefing in my yoga/exercise class? Queefs are particularly common in yoga/exercise because you’re moving your body in and out of various positions. It happens most often when coming out of an inversion.

Did I hear a sigh of relief? ;) Now that you know that queefing is a normal, albeit annoying, bodily function, you should also note that it’s a very common experience among vagina owners. If you queef during partnered sex, you could try acknowledging and educating your partner(s). This will likely eliminate any awkward feelings.

Well okay, but what about during a yoga/exercise class? When this happens, remember that most people are not paying nearly as much attention to you as you think they might be and likely will not even notice. If you you feel otherwise, you can, out of courtesy apologize. I usually just move on really.

Regardless of when a queef happens, the best thing you can do is move on and don’t let it ruin your experience or day.

*In some rare cases, a queef can be a sign of a more serious medical condition or issue that needs addressing. If you sense that it is, please see a doctor.

NB: This content is for informational purposes only. Whore D’oeuvre does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.