But this can’t go on, I don’t think I will be able to sustain myself on the long run solely by freelancing. I will be able to pay rent and buy groceries, but that would be it. What if one or both of my parents became sick or contacted the Corona virus? What then? What if I needed a fair chunk of money because of some emergency? I have been pondering over these things the past few days.

One thing I would like to change about myself is my tendency to be indecisive and not show agency under certain circumstances. Take this for example, I left Oyo around 4 months back. There was ample time to get a new job, instead I chose to wait. I ended up waiting for Godot, and then came the pandemic. I should have been smart enough to factor that in earlier than expected, and act on that. My tendency to ruminate and procrastinate over things from my past came back to bite me in the most inopportune time possible.

So I need to act sooner and take charge of things, instead of letting things just happen to me. I want to be more in control of my life. I have to step up and be the pilot of my own ship and not merely a cabin-boy. Otherwise my life will always remain the sideshow, with me just wandering around aimlessly. Here are the goals I am setting for myself:-

1. Get an Analytics or Qualitative Research-based job, a startup will do, need not work for an MNC, as long as the pay is decent.
2. Preferably transition to a Data Science role in the future, as there is a rising need for data scientists across all industry sectors.
3. Turn my blog into a paid newsletter or a podcast a year or so down the line, if I do manage to keep this up till then.
4. Get over my last breakup, and hopefully be in a relationship by the end of this year, or the pandemic, whichever is sooner.
5. Spend more time with my parents when the opportunity to move out of my apartment comes again, till then I will be by myself here.

I think that just about sums it up. I will continue to keep writing on the side. I am glad that people have liked my writings and encouraged to keep on doing so. But that doesn’t mean I will keep on daydreaming about being a full-time writer. That won’t pay off really.

Also, I am committing myself to Mathematics (Statistics) and Programming (Python) again. I was passionate about both of these back when I was still in school. If I can write blogs, I might as well do the other 2 things I mentioned. Hell, I might even be really able to make a career out of them. Who knows? For now, I have a couple of Business Plans to write, thanks to Upwork I landed the gigs. I am not getting payed much, but it will cover the rent. The only is up right? I am putting my money on that and taking my chances, for now.

I have dabbled my hands at a lot of things beside writing, including a stint as a photographer, then after my MBA as a trainee consultant for agri-startups, after that a short while at Oyo where I really struggled. That sums it up, my floundering career that is. What was the point of studying civil engineering and business management, I wonder? I never really planned on doing these things, they just came to me without me having any sort of aspirations at all.

Talking about aspirations, I don’t recall having any realistic ones, and I seem to have suffered because of that. I understand it is not something automatic, and has to be inculcated. It takes deliberate use of one’s imagination to be able to aspire to become something larger than who we are. One merely doesn’t just go to school and college, and magically get transformed into a successful and functional adult. It takes effort and discipline on one’s part.

When I quit Oyo, I told myself I would take a few months off and try to do some soul searching, hoping for answers. But guess what, there were none. All I did was watch a bunch of Jordan Peterson videos and pitied myself for being where I am in life. 3 months just flew by, and then came the pandemic.

As far as I can remember, I was good at 2 things, almost exceptionally (as compared to my peer group), in Mathematics and English. And I was obsessed with 2 things, computer programming and gaming. I wonder if I should focus the rest of my life around those things. I wish I had done made a decision for myself based on the aforementioned, at least when I was half the age I am now. Is it too late for that? Or should I accept myself the way I used to be and commit to the things I love and care about?