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American Voices

U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025

The U.S. economy experienced almost zero job growth in 2025, with the Bureau of Labor Statistics data indicating that the U.S. economy added only 181,000…
Politics

Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico

WASHINGTON—Hailing the move as a more wholesome and patriotic substitute for the current U.S. territory, conservative advocacy group Turning Point USA announced Thursday that it was setting up an alternative Puerto Rico. “Finally, Americans will be…
Politics

Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well
Politics

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump

SAN FRANCISCO—Heralding what it called a “bold new age” in warping the mind of the nation’s elderly leader, OpenAI introduced a new premium video generator…
American Voices

Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play

A study published in Science found that a bonobo named Kanzi could play along when researchers offered him invisible juice and grapes in a manner…
Entertainment

Woman Worried She Not Living 90-Second Ad Break To The Fullest

WATERBURY, VT—Not wanting to squander the precious opportunity, local television viewer Amy Branson told reporters Tuesday that she was worried she was not living a…

Entertainment

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj

Rapper Nicki Minaj has aligned herself with MAGA, stating that she is President Trump’s “number one fan.” The Onion sat down with the artist to…
Sports

Luge Gold Medalist Probably Main Luge Guy Now
Real Estate

It’s Gray Time!

Gray walls, gray floors, gray ceilings, gray fixtures, gray appliances, gray home inspector, gray Realtor, gray real estate lawyer, gray grass, gray life, gray Earth,…
Obituaries

Robert Donahue

Robert Donahue, 58, died suddenly while crawling through the woods in his deer costume.
Sports

Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete’s Pocket On First Turn
American Voices

Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record

Internal Department of Homeland Security documents revealed that less than 14% of the nearly 400,000 immigrants arrested by U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement last year…

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