A tale inspired by The Witcher, Uma and explosions. Contains profanity, because…well, it’s The Witcher. 🙂
**
Geralt scrutinised the sad looking signpost, a withered thing of rotten wood and rusty nails. The word ‘Bronsten’ could be seen etched crudely into the wood, if he strained his eyes. He looked past the wooden post at a small huddle of buildings beyond. The rain soaked valley held little else of interest, but a nearby signpost had promised work for an enterprising Witcher and his silver blade.
**
“Piss off, freak.” A watchman, lazily leaning against his polearm with one arm and holding up a hooded lantern with the other, spat at Roach’s hooved feet. Insults were like rain, Geralt mused, glancing upwards into the grey sky. In small enough doses they could be ignored, but a deluge of either could try even a Witchers patience.
Geralt leaned back in the saddle, letting the guards lamplight catch his yellow eyes. He took a little satisfaction watching the man take a hasty step backwards, nearly landing arse first in the mud. “Here on business. Where’s the village Elder?”
The guard pointed wordlessly at the biggest building with a sneer. Geralt nodded almost imperceptibly before twitching Roach’s reigns a little, the horse obediently trotting forward with a derisive snort. To the Witchers honed senses the environs of the hamlet proper reeked of rot and piss, shot through with a sharp note of decay. He doubted it smelled much better to its normal inhabitants. He dismounted at the boundary of the Elders house and tied Roach to a half collapsed wooden fence, before picking his way deftly through the puddle filled path that lead to the entrance.
Geralt rapped his gauntleted knuckles against the wooden door. He waited for a moment, the hard rain ringing off the metallic fixings on his armour. He contemplated opening the door with more forceful means before it cracked open, revealing a balding man backlit by torchlight from within. “You the village Elder?” the Witcher asked, his voice gravelly and low.
“I…y-yes?” The older man formed the response into a nerve laden question.
“I hear you have a hag problem,” Geralt said.
“Found the contract, did you?” A look of what appeared to be amusement briefly crossed the Elders face, but was quickly stifled.
“In a manner of speaking,” Geralt replied, extracting the rain sodden notice from his leather jerkin. It was a rumpled mess of wet parchment, the wax seal dangling precariously from its lower edge. He had plucked the paper from the signpost just before the rain had all but obliterated the words written on it. “How much?” the Witcher prompted.
“Eh?” The Elder seemed distracted, looking behind him. Geralts enhanced senses caught a quickly stifled peal of laughter from within the house.
“How much for the hag contract?” The Witcher bit back a curse, his patience waning.
“Oh. A hundred crowns,” the Elder said, almost offhandedly.
Geralt raised one eyebrow, casting a quick look around humble little hamlet. “Prosperous times in Bronsten?”
The Elder shrugged then scowled. “What do you care? Coin is coin.”
“I suppose so,” Geralt replied. He tucked the contract back into his jerkin. “I’ll be back soon.”
“Good luck!” the Elder blurted, slamming the door shut. Geralt waited a short span, listening to the gales of laughter ringing from within the dwelling. “Prosperous times indeed,” he murmured, walking his way back to Roach.
**
Geralt left Roach tied to a tree just outside of Bronsten, as the rain soaked valley would be no place for horse riding and he had no intention of being thrown off his mount to crack his skull against a hidden rock or tree root. He had no fear anyone would try and steal the horse, who had injured several would be thieves in the past with a solid kick from his back hooves.
The Witcher took a moment to apply a reddish looking oil to his silver blade, making sure to get an even coat. He doubted the application would last long in the rain, but it paid to be prepared when facing an opponent as dangerous as a water hag. He made his way carefully down the slick mud of the valley, nearly losing his balance on several occasions.
His surroundings became even more sodden as he reached the bottom of the valley, where water gathered into large pools on the uneven ground. Prime hunting territory for a water based necrophage. Geralt reached out with his enhanced senses, looking for the telltale signs of his quarry.
A rustling sound from a nearby gnarled oak tree caught his attention, bringing up his silver sword in an on guard stance. The sound emanated from the lower branches of the tree, where the Witcher spied a ramshackle wooden platform. A curious place to find a hag, or any other monster for that matter. A tattered looking figure made its way clumsily down the tree, dropping in to the mud with a splash. It was humanoid, covered in leaves, bark, torn rags and rattling bones. Geralt relaxed his stance a little. This was like no water hag he had encountered, though as he took a breath he couldn’t deny the stench was similar.
The figure lifted its arms over its head, revealing a grubby pair of warty hands, which wiggled their blunt fingers at him. The nails at their tips were cracked and chipped. “Rar,” it said, unconvincingly.
Geralt lowered his sword. “Rar yourself,” he replied.
This seemed to confuse the figure, who took a breath and repeated itself at a higher volume. “Rar!”
The Witcher sighed, sheathing his sword. “I don’t have time for this.” He snapped his fingers, drawing on a small fragment of Igni, the Sign of fire. A spark leapt into being on the creatures shoulder and despite the wet, fizzed, smoked and took into a small flame.
“Fuck!” the creature exclaimed, before seemingly shedding its skin into the mud and stamping on it frantically to put it out. The deformed half naked man, a hunchback by the look of him, stared daggers at Geralt with bright blue eyes over a split hare-lip.
“You’re the worst water hag I’ve ever seen,” Geralt remarked, glancing at the smouldering costume on the valley floor. “Explains what the Elder found so funny I guess. They put you up to this or are you in on it?”
The hunchback pointed to his chest, were Geralt could now see livid bruises on the man’s flesh, some faded and yellow, others black and fresh. “Feek,” the man said continuing to point at himself.
“I know the feeling,” Geralt said wearily.
The hunchback pointed at the Witcher. “Feek?”
“It’s been said,” Geralt replied. “What’s your name?”
“Syus,” the man burbled.
“Cyrus?” Geralt replied. “Did I get that right?”
Cyrus shrugged dejectedly. “Eh.”
“Close enough, I guess. Listen to me Cyrus. You probably won’t believe me when I tell you this, but you are a lucky man.” Geralt gestured to the nearby pools of water. “If Drowners or a real hag had taken up residence here, you’d have been their next meal.”
“Nah,” Cyrus replied. “Buum!”
“Boom? I don’t get it.” Geralt frowned in confusion.
“Pfft,” Cyrus replied mockingly.
Geralt heard, rather than saw, a disturbance in the surface of a nearby pool. A gleaming round face peered from the shallows, milky white eyes peering from sunken sockets. The Witcher turned, ripping his silver blade from its sheath, as three Drowners tentatively crept from the nearby pool. “Get behind me,” he growled to Cyrus, as he turned to square up to the trio of monsters. “Me and my big mouth.” Geralt quickly etched the sign of Igni, this time at full strength, sending a wave of magical flame burning into the creatures. Despite the dampness of the surroundings and his chosen targets, the flames stuck to one of them, turning it into a humanoid torch which let out an unearthly screech.
Geralt flinched as a fizzing sphere flew past his ear to land in front of the trio, dangerously close to his position. He frantically gestured with the Sign of Quen, throwing up a protective barrier, jamming his head into the crook of his free left arm, using his gauntlet and upper arm to shield his ears. There was a fierce explosion and an impact that shattered the Quens shield, Geralt feeling a lick of flame pass over him despite its protection. He looked up, seeing two of the creatures pulverised in the mud, the last one tottering on its feet. Geralt darted forward and with a flick of his silver sword sent the creatures head tumbling back into the pool from which it came. He calmly patted down his smouldering jerkin before sniffing the air. Stammelfords dust…Crows Eye…a trace of Calcium Equum? He looked back at the hunchback.
Cyrus was capering in a little circle, giggling to himself. He stopped briefly to point at the Witcher. “Buum!” he yelled, clapping his hands together before continuing his little jig.
“Yeah. Boom. I get it now.” Geralt sheathed his sword, walking back to where the remains of the hag costume were slowly being consumed by the muddy earth. He located the head section and tore it free. “Well, they hired me to kill a water hag. I’m not going back empty handed.” He skewered the costume part on the meat hook he carried for trophies securing it to his belt, then turned to the hunchback. “What will you do now?”
“Eh,” Cyrus replied, shrugging.
Geralt knelt down, meeting the hunchback eye to eye. “I have some friends who would be very interested to learn how to build those bombs. Do you think you could show them how?”
“Buum?” Cyrus nodded emphatically. “Yaw. Buum!”
“All right. Its a long way home. I need to you promise you won’t blow both of us up before we get there. Understand?” Geralt narrowed his eyes.
“Yaw,” Cyrus replied, pointing to himself. “Feek.” He jabbed a warty finger at Geralts chest. “Feek.”
“Sure. Us freaks have to stick together.” A ghost of a smile crossed Geralts lips, before the pair began the ascent back to Bronsten.
**
The two of them rode back into Bronsten on the back of Roach, Geralt having found a spare blanket to prevent Cyrus from catching a chill, having all but destroyed his previous attire. The rain had finally stopped and a few shafts of sickly looking sunlight were feebly pushing through the clouds. They met the Elder at the boundary of the hamlet, surrounded by a few villagers who jeered as they approached.
“I see you fell for our joke, Witchman,” the Elder guffawed. “And you found young Silas as well.”
Geralt turned to the hunchback, who was peering fearfully at the villagers. “Silas eh? Pleased to meet you. I’m Geralt of Rivia.” Silas patted Geralts shoulder and grinned, though it looked more like a grimace. “Haow,” he replied.
The Witcher eased himself from the saddle, taking the hag costumes head from the hook on Roach’s harness. He cast it at the Elders feet, the laughter from the assembled group intensifying. “One hundred crowns,” Geralt barked over the laughter.
The Elder turned and quieted the crowd with a gesture. “Say what?”
“One hundred crowns was the agreed amount for the water hag.” Geralt said, poker faced.
“It was a joke, Witcher. It wasn’t real. We dressed the boy up and…” the Elder never finished as Geralt darted forward and grabbed him by the lapels. “No. That is the head of a water hag. How do I know this? Because I’m a Witcher, which makes me an expert on the nature of monsters. Now if I were mistaken, that would mean you’ve wasted my time which would make me very, very angry.” He released the Elders shirt. “One hundred crowns.”
“We don’t have a hundred crowns!” the Elder babbled.
“Then you shouldn’t have promised me that much,” Geralt snapped. “What do you have?”
“T-ten crowns, at most,” the Elder said.
“I’ll take it,” Geralt snarled. A fake reward for a fake monster seemed somewhat fitting.
“We don’t owe you anything,” one of the women in the crowd brayed. “Begone before we chase you out of our village.”
The Witcher folded his arms across his chest. “Try it,” he said evenly, holding his ground.
The Elder took a quick if reluctant collection from the nearby crowd, then threw the coin pouch at the Witcher, who deftly caught it before it fell into the mud. “A pleasure doing business with you,” Geralt said flatly as he swiftly mounted his horse, careful to avoid knocking Silas into the mud. “C’mon Roach,” he said, flicking the horses reigns.
A rotten cabbage splattered against Roachs flanks as he began to trot away from Bronsten. “Pissants,” Geralt mumbled under his breath.
From under his blanket Silas produced another explosive sphere, tapping Geralt on the shoulder. “Buum?” he said in a conspiratorial whisper.
Geralt turned in the saddle to regard the hunchback his eyes widening in alarm. “When did you…? Never mind. No.”
The bomb disappeared as quickly as it had arrived, to be replaced by a small cylinder of similar design that looked tiny in the hunchbacks malformed hand. “Dinkeebuum?” Silas ventured.
Geralt couldn’t help but smile. “Sure. Why not.” The words had barely left his mouth before Silas snapped his fingers in a familiar gesture, summoning a spark to light the fuse on the small device. “Aren’t you full of surprises,” Geralt remarked. It seemed the hunchback had a rudimentary grasp of the Sign of Igni, which explained how he was able to light the bomb back in the valley, a point that had been troubling Geralt ever since their initial encounter.
Silas tossed the miniature bomb over his shoulder at the few villagers who had been brave enough to take a few steps down the road towards them. Geralt looked away, his smile hardening at the sharp crack of the cylinder exploding.
The cries of “Sorcery!” and “Witchcraft!” echoed in Geralts ears, but not as loud as the slamming of wooden doors as the inhabitants of Bronsten disappeared into their various abodes. “Giddyup Roach,” Geralt barked, urging the horse into a canter, the unlikely pair quickly leaving the hamlet of Bronsten behind.
**
The Witcher is the creation of Andrzej Sapkowski I claim no ownership of characters and Intellectual Property relating to The Witcher.
This was also inspired by aspects of “The Witcher 3” Video Game by CDProjectRed