An Emotional Ride

To say today has been an emotional day would be an understatement. This morning started off with talking to the kids about seeing the baby on ultrasound today and getting excited about whether we'd be having a new brother or a sister join the family. I did have an uneasy feeling this morning that something was wrong, but chalked it up to nerves and pushed it aside. Our appointment was at 9:30 and Steven met us there. We met back for the ultrasound and she got me prepped. Almost as fast as she put the ultrasound wand on my belly she was taking it off and I knew right away that something was very wrong. She asked Steven to take the kids out to the waiting room and told me there was no heartbeat.  She took a few measurements and it looked like baby stopped growing/died around 13 weeks, and I should have been 19 today. Steven came back in and she told him there was no heartbeat. She left us to go find Dr. Noorda the doc in the office and we just held each other and cried as it sink in that our baby was gone. We pulled ourselves together some and Steven went to get the kids so we could tell them. Of course they didn't really understand what was happening, and Emma and Landon just wanted snacks. Dr. Noorda and the nurse came back in and talked about what our options were. Ultimately we decided just to go home and think about it. 

After being home for awhile, and lots of tears we decided to do the cytotec which would be a pill that would basically induce contractions. The office called it in and Steven went to pick it up. I still kept thinking about if we should do the d&c so I didn't eat anything. Steven gave me a blessing and we tried to talk to a few people who'd gone through this before to get their opinions and suggestions. I started inquiring about who was working today in the OR and even called scheduling to see when they could do me if we decided to go that route. Once we decided that's what we should do we had some back and forth with the doctors office trying to get it scheduled. The on call doc wouldn't do it, but Dr. Noorda said he would postpone his trip and come do it if that's what I wanted. I felt bad making him do that but really just wanted to get it over with so I didn't have to think about it all night. It was 2:30 when we talked and he said they could do me at 3 so to head right in. We made very last minute arrangements for the kids to go to neighbors and then took off for the hospital. 

It was a little before 3 when we got there and they moved us right along through registration, and got us back to a room. I had been so worried about knowing everyone there, but really it turned out to be very comforting and they were all in tears with me. By the time we got the IV started and they took me back to the OR it was 3:30. Before they took me into the room Dr. Brian Nelson came over and gave me a big hug, and so did Cindy the OR manager. The surgical center really is like one big family and it was nice to feel so much support. Soon I was laying on the OR table, getting hooked up to monitors, breathing oxygen and trying to hold back the tears even though they were streaming down my face. Then I was off to sleep and before I knew it I was waking up in the recovery room with Stephanie by my side and it was an hour later. I was expecting to wake up in pain, but I honestly felt nothing other than really weird. It wag like I wanted to be awake but I couldn't quite get there. I remember talking to Steph and Rich and then her taking me back to my room in same day. The next hour seemed to go by really quick as I slowly came out of my post op fog and before I knew it I was up getting dressed and we were heading home. We had to stop and grab some pads from the store since I didn't have anything at home and then we headed home. 

Flowers from the OR that Cindy gave to me. 

Steven went and grabbed the kids and then we did or usual baths and bedtime routine with them. I was happy to shower and drown my tears in the water. This whole day and experience feels surreal and has been so emotionally exhausting. I feel like we were finally getting used to the idea of having another baby and just like that our world was turned upside down again. I'd always considered myself so lucky that we'd never known the heartache of infertility or losing a baby, and now I know how truly blessed we were to not have had to go through this before. I know the Lord has a plan for us and our family and I have faith that he has our best interest in mind. It's hard today, but I do feel at peace and comforted through him.

Hate Saying Good-Bye!

On my way into work this morning I saw this beautiful butterfly in the parking lot garage and had to take a picture of it! 

Even though I'm scheduled to work a few shifts next week, today was my last day working with my friend Clare so they had a little good-bye for me. She was so sweet to bring me flowers and cheesecake! I seriously have been so blessed to work with some of the best coworkers here at Logan Regional Hospital and it makes me so sad to think about not working with them anymore. I really hate saying good-byes and it stinks that I'm already having to say them! 

Landon is 23 Months!

This cute boy is 23 months old today! I seriously can't believe our baby is almost 2! He's a mama's boy and I can never get enough of his hugs and cuddles! He also loves to be my little side kick, especially when it comes to baking! Maybe he'll be a chef one day!

Landon

I know there are always a million pictures of Landon, but it must just be because he's the baby and I'm still in that mode where everything he does is cute! He really does have me totally wrapped around his little fingers! Love this boy!

BBQ with Friends

This evening after church we had a BBQ with our friends the Hills, and the Muirs. It was sort of a good-bye dinner for us, which makes me so sad to think about. We have made some really awesome friends here and I hate the thought of leaving them. We made it a happy occasion though and enjoyed our time chatting and spending time with them this evening. Unfortunately, this was the only picture I took tonight. 

Corn on the Cob

This little cheeser had his first go at eating corn on the cob tonight, and he was loving it! 

Bye Bye Fishes

I've had our fish tank posted for sell for several weeks now and have not had anyone seriously interested in it, so I decided today that I better start looking to just find the fish a new home. I posted them for sale this morning, only listing them for $5 for all of them and had several people interested right away and by the end of the day I had a lady coming to get them.

 I waited to break the news to the kids until I knew for sure they would be leaving and when I told them, Mason took it the hardest. He has been quite fond of his dragon fish, named Rex and went into full on meltdown mode. It broke my heard to see him so upset about losing his fish. I had to sit down and explain to him that there was no way the fish would be able to make the move with us and that Rex was going to a good home. He eventually calmed down, but was still sad about having to say good-bye to his fish. The kids helped/watched me catch the fish and put them in a container for the lady to take them. I had the bucket on the counter and they were all being so cute telling the fish good-bye and getting an up-close look at them all before the lady came.

When she came Mason was telling her about Rex and she was really sweet with him and told him that she'd make sure they kept his name Rex. She was just good to calm some of his sadness about losing Rex and assured him she'd give him a good home. I was a little sad to see the fish go as well, but I was mostly happy that someone wanted them and we didn't have to flush them! Now I can get the tank cleaned and ready to sell if someone becomes interested in it, otherwise it will just be ready for the move.

Tee Ball

Mason and I have had quite the challenging day together today and he was having a full on meltdown as we were trying to leave for his tee ball game all because Emma turned off the TV before he could pause his show! Talk about ridiculous! He has been so moody all day and I was seriously tempted to pull everyone back out of the van and make him skip his game, but I didn't want to let his team down. He continued to be grumpy as he went to play, but over the course of the hour his mood slowly improved. I feel bad that Steven won't be able to make it to any of his games this season so I've tried to make sure and take some pictures and videos of him.

It's also fun to watch Emma and Landon while we watch the game. Emma has made a couple little friends that she plays with almost every game now. Landon is usually super content to just sit on my lap and watch the game as long as he has a snack. Once the snacks run out then he'll start getting up to explore or play.

Neighborhood Swim Party

My friend and neighbor Anne Hill invited our neighborhood over for a backyard swim party at her house today and it was a lot of fun. We were running late to the party since we had a moving company come and assess our house right before lunch, but then I hurry and fed the kids so we could get over there. Mason and Emma wasted no time jumping in to all the water fun and were having a blast. Landon on the other hand didn't want to leave my side or my lap at first. I eventually lured him off of me with a snack and then he found his way to the bubble machine where he was content to stay and play. I was actually kind of surprised that he didn't gravitate more towards the water since he loves playing in it at our house, but I think having so many kids around scared him a little.

 Mason and Emma really loved the slip'n slide. 

We hadn't been there quite an hour yet when Mason came over all sad cause he was having issues with his friends, and just wanted to hide between my legs. He was also saying his belly hurt so I sent him home to go poop and to stay there unless he was going to be willing to come back and play. He ended up staying home, and did feel better after having a bowel movement. I let Emma and Landon play awhile longer before tearing them away from the water so that Landon could get home and have a nap. It was a lot of fun for the kids and it was fun for me to get to sit and chat with the other moms in the neighborhood. 

That will probably be one of the hardest things about moving, is leaving our awesome neighborhood where we've all become good friends and enjoy hanging out together.

Evelyn and Emma being silly. 

Father's Day at Bear Lake

This morning started off early for me when the kids woke up at 6 and I couldn't get them to go back to sleep. I got up with them and let Steven sleep in for Fathers Day. We came down and made breakfast that included waffles with strawberries and whip cream, scrambled eggs, and served with OJ. I was trying to let Steven sleep as long as possible, but once the kids were done eating their breakfast they were ancy to give daddy breakfast in bed so it was about 8 when we woke him up. He was pretty out of it, and not waking up very quickly, so we left his food on his nightstand and left him be.

He came down a little bit later with his food and ate at the table while the kids gave him his father's day presents. The kids had insisted on getting him a singing card and they'd all start dancing every time they opened it which was cute. They also drew him pictures and we made a picture for him with all their hand prints on it. We gave him him 3 packages of his favorite Baby Ruths too, one from each kid.

I have to just say that Steven truly is one AMAZING father and husband. He has far surpassed any and all expectations I ever had of what a father and husband should be. He works so hard to support our family and always makes sure that we are taken care of. He is also diligent about fulfilling his church callings and being a good neighbor. Above all though he is the best daddy to our kiddos and I absolutley love that he has always been a very involved and hands-on dad with them. We truly are so blessed to have him! Love you Steven and happy father's day!

Steven has been working crazy hours the last 3 weeks and the kids and I have barely seen him. He's been working 15+ hour days, 6-7 days a week the past 3 weeks trying to get their show Peter Pan ready for opening. His absence has been hard on me and the kids and we've desperately been needing some quality family time together. We are not ones to typically skip church, plan outings or other activities on Sunday, but today our need for family time trumped going to church. We decided earlier in the week that we would take the opportunity to spend the day at Bear Lake.

 We invited Steven's coworker and friend Cassandra Coulam and her family to join us. Several times we've talked about getting together with them and it's just never happened until today. I was so glad they were able to come, because we really had so much fun with them. We met them in Bear Lake around 11 at one  of the little walk-up burger joints where we had an early lunch before heading out to the lake. We arrived just in the nick of time there too, because right after we got in line a huge tour bus pulled up and got in line right behind us. While we were finishing up lunch Mason, Emma, and Archer were becoming quick friends running around playing in the trees and chasing seagulls. 

We drove out to the north side of the lake which is on the Idaho side to a nice beach where you could drive right down onto the beach. It made it super convenient for unloading all of the stuff we brought with us. We got everything set up and Steven and the kids wasted no time starting to build a sand castle and getting in the water.

Daddy and his girl

The water was pretty chilly until you'd been in it for a bit, but it stayed pretty shallow for a long ways out which made it nice for the kids. The Coulam's had a big fun water raft that several people could fit on and the kids had a blast taking rides on it.

Landon didn't quite know what to think of it and only seemed to enjoy it when I went with him. Mostly he preferred to stay a safe distance from the water and occasionally get his hands dirty in the sand.

Steven did get him to sit in the water with him at one point and he was having a good time until he kept putting his face to close to the water and was getting mouthfuls of dirty water. Emma loved doing everything, from riding the raft, to wading out into the water, to playing in the sand pool, and having mud fights. Mason and Archer played really well together and spent a good majority of the time out in the water after Mason had given up on his sand castle. As for Steven and I we just enjoyed playing with the kids, talking with friends and overall just being together as a family.

I felt like our time there went so quickly and before we knew it we'd been there 3 hours and needed to head home. Steven had to be at work by 5:30, or we probably would have stayed longer. We hurried to get all over stuff cleaned up, the kids changed into dry clothes, said good-bye to our friends and headed home. We had to make a quick stop back at the little shop we had lunch though so we could all use the potty, but more importantly to get some famous raspberry shakes. Our "quick" stop took a little longer than we thought so we took our shakes to go and ate on the way home. I thought for sure the kids would all pass out after their ice cream and sleep on the way home, but Mason ended up being the only one to conk out. The other two must have got sugar highs because they talked and laughed the whole way home. We got home about 5:15, so Steven rushed to get ready and headed to work while I cleaned out the van and took care of the kids. It's been a long day, but so much fun, and although I still feel a little guilty about skipping church I feel good about the time we spent together as a family and the memories we made today.