A conversation must be had

Avoidance cannot continue

It is difficult to express the thoughts without transforming words to a blade

Afraid? Perhaps

But of what?

The response, the results, a burden lost, a burden displaced, a different view, uncertainty of change

I miss writing letters

Everything now a days is so in your face. It is overwhelming. I am overwhelming sometimes too…fitting in with the times. But I miss pen pals and writing letters; waiting for the mail to come for an update on a friend. This new world has just created another reason to worry – worrying that because I don’t make contact every day or respond to every post others will think I am not the same me.

I’ve never been a great friend. I’m not a big limer. I just like to know that the people I think are great people are ok. I have always been happy watching others be happy – I need not get involved. That has always been enough for me.

I think about un-friend-ing/un- following everyone or removing some of my social media accounts. I hardly check them…never really except for 1. I created them to keep in contact and see how others were doing , that they were staying happy. But I have long stopped checking. They are just notifications that I swipe away. So I am thinking about it but haven’t decided yet.

Even in a virtual world I am not so social

sadness comes.

I turn to food.

I start with healthy items

banana, apple

They don’t work so I try something unhealthy

ice cream

I feel bad so I go back to something healthier

cashews, more cashews

Still no relief…

So I finish the ice cream

Still no relief

What’s in the fridge?

cheese…

I keep going

cheese & crackers, plantain chips, more plantain chips, more cashews

What’s in the fridge?

nothing I want…sigh

what DO I want

cookies or cake – fresh baked and delicious

what I have

more cashews

more cashews

more calories and no relief

I think fasting is the solution but how do I step rather than just dipping my toe in the water?

I forgot how easy it is to stay up until after 3am reading a book that captures your interest.

Books are awesome!

I don’t like this new phase of life. I wish I could go back to the way things were when :

• I really liked working out
• My memory for choreography was great
• I ate things I liked without worrying too much about it
• I was strong enough to resist junk food when I made a decision not to eat junk food
• I got comfort out of the junk food that I did eat
• I was strong enough to fast intermittently
• I liked baking cakes and cookies
• I got sore after a workout instead of pain during a workout
• I could keep up with a Sean Vigue Fitness yoga workouts
• I could sit crossed legged without getting tingling in my feet after only a few minutes
• I didn’t mind walking to where I needed to go frequently, even if it meant walking up the hill with load

In the news comments about a suspected murder suicide that recently occurred in my country, someone wrote that the shooter took the cowardly way out.  I got very annoyed with that comment.  I suspect it was made by someone who has never contemplated suicide in their life. People like this speak as if it is the easiest thing to do to take your own life.

They have no idea of the utter hopelessness some persons feel when they get to that point. They do not know that the person is too tired to keep enduring the suffering that they feel. They do not know the person believes there is no coming out of the endless feeling of sorrow and emptiness. They have no idea what it is like to be so consumed with sadness that it buries you in a world where that is all that exist.

They do not know that some persons are very aware of the decision they are making and the people that will be influenced by it and still see ending their life as the best possible solution. They do not know that feeling that anyone they are leaving behind will have a better life without them around. Some persons don’t even have anyone to consider leaving behind.

Cowardly? No.

If you think about it, especially in a society like this where most people are Christian or believe in God, it makes even less sense to call it a cowardly act. Is it cowardly to end your life, believing based on what religion tells us, that once you do you have bought yourself a one way ticket to hell?

In my mind’s eye it is not much different from the acts of a daredevil (skydivers for example) or drug users except that the reason behind the act MAY be different and the likelihood and preparation of an outcome of death over an outcome of living is inversed. I can accept suicide being called selfish or perverse, but not cowardly.

People who make those comments are the same ignorant and insensitive windbags that will tell someone at a low point in their life “go ahead and kill yourself already.”