I quit!
Blue September 16, 2009
One of the totally useful things I’ve had to do for my job is blowing balloons. Over the weekend, I noticed that we had red, orange, yellow, green and purple balloons, but no blue balloons.
I asked about this, and my colleague replied:
“This is because doesn’t like the colour blue. Trust me, we have been through this. She thinks it is Too Dull.”
As it turns out, my boss has an Irrational Hatred of the Colour Blue. This is totally awesome, because 80% of my wardrobe is blue.
Nails July 29, 2009
I cannot decide which is worse, publicly clipping your nails in the office, or sawing away at them with a nail file.
Agencies July 27, 2009
As I am the sole person in a communications role (and has the word “Communications” on her office) right now, I get the occasional cold call from media-related agencies trying to pimp their shit to me. These people come up with all kinds of hokey stories about pretend “appointments” they have with your managers to get you to have a meeting with them so they can pimp their shit to you.
This afternoon, I got a call from some creative agency. The guy on the phone claimed that he had an appointment with “someone” in my company’s “marketing communications” department. The appointment was supposed to be at 4pm today, but goodness gracious, this guy can NOT remember the name of the dude he’s supposed to meet with, so can I give it to him?
What makes this all hugely funny is that, 1) we don’t have a “marketing and communications department”, and 2) my department is made up entirely of women.
“OK, let me confirm this with you,” I said, and pretended to make some typing noises. “You are meeting someone at 4pm from the marketing and communications department, right? And the person who’s meeting you is a man, right?”
“Yeah, it’s a man,” he said, sounding very confident and relieved.
“Right. I see. Well, unfortunately, we don’t have any men working in the…marketing and communications department. We also don’t really have a marketing and communications department.”
The dude made a brave attempt to cover up his major cock-up with some “OH there must have been a mistake with the scheduling….I’ll see to that matter right away”. It was really funny because I could hear him turning red over the phone.
He hung up after I gave him a big fat ROFL.
Jokes: Oh yeah that’s really funny. July 24, 2009
I’ve noticed that lot of humour doesn’t really translate in a place where jokes like “I’m not good-looking…I’m looking good!” are considered lol-worthy.
Lunch July 22, 2009
My boss is always getting on my case about what I should do with my lunch hour (namely, that I should have lunch with my colleagues everyday). Aside from the fact that she really has no business telling me how to spend my lunch hour, how do I tell her that spending an hour listening to those morons yap gives me severe indigestion?
Leg Lifts July 21, 2009
At my workplace, middle aged men with beer bellies in Speedos like to lay down by the edge of the pool and do their leg lifts there. For some reason, they do this at lunchtime when there are lots of people dining by the pool. They also tend to face diners while they do their leg lifts.
I have requested permission to create signage that will prevent members from doing this. Unfortunately, behaving like a beached whale is not illegal according to the club’s rule book, so I will not be doing so.
Books
I recently bought a duplicate of a book I already own. I did not realise I already owned the book, until much later. A friend suggested giving away the duplicate to someone in the office (she did the same).
In my workplace, 300 words on a page is considered “too many words.” This is an opinion that goes all the way up to top management. E-mails periodically go unread because “there are too many words”.
So yeah, maybe I won’t be doing that.
Crows
Crows tell their buddies that our country club is a really cool place to eat the leftovers at the poolside and drink pool water. Every now and again, the government comes to the club to shoot some crows dead. I wish I could dress my boss up as a crow.
Tech
Great. I’ve just been labeled “The Most Tech-Savvy Person in the Department” (which is made up of 4 technophobes). I guess this means I will be doing more hand-holding of morons in future. Go me.
Scat July 20, 2009
Writing about my commute today made me think of another commute I had a couple of weeks ago.
Three young children sat on my bus, presumaly accompanied by a parent. They spent a good 30 minutes screaming variations on a Chinese rhyme about “going home to eat shit” at the top of their lungs, and then falling into heaps of giggles.
They got a lot of embarrassed, pointed stares out of the windows and one random woman telling them to calm down.
Like the little scatologist I am, I giggled all the way home.
Finger Lickin’ Good
On my bus ride home today, I had to endure listening to a man slurping at the boogers on his fingertips for 20 minutes.
Joy!
Mmmm, I love the smell of NEW COMPUTER in the afternoon.
I am grateful for:
- Right-click mouse (yeah…)
- Scrolling mouse (yeah…)
- Not having to boot into a shit Windows system to update the website
- Not having alignment and text BORK everytime I use Windows (through the Mac) to update the website
- FAST LOAD TIMES
- TABBED DESKTOP (the joys that Windows has to offer…)
- EVERYTHING ELSE
GI Problems
For your information, my digestive tract is still verkakte from the two bouts of salmonella I caught from eating the Club’s food during the month of March. Yes I got seriously ill from eating food from my workplace. But nobody here really cares.
Colour
Apparently it is not enough to say “blue”, or “red”, or “magenta” (this word is Too Big for them). You have to say “BLUE COLOUR” or “RED COLOUR” or else nobody will ever understand a fucking thing you say.
Women’s locker rooms July 18, 2009
I have heard that:
- Members are drying their pubes with hand dryers in the women’s shower/locker room
- Members are sitting fully-clothed in the sauna inside the women’s shower/locker room
- Members who sit fully-clothed in saunas are indignant and defensive upon being told they cannot do this
I have to come up with signs to tell them to not do this!
Thanks
If I receive another e-mail with the words “Thanks you” in closing, I might have to cut someone.
What
A member e-mailed me the other day, asking me if 26 July was a Saturday or Sunday.
I hear they sell calendars these days.
Ah, so diffy 
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