Stolen One-Liners

 

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I have kleptomania….
….When it gets bad, I take something for it.

I gotta teach my facial expressions….
….how to use their indoor voice.

After over 50 years of marriage, the wife and I still find things to talk about….
….just not to each other, obviously.

I have an aviation joke….
….but it would probably go over your head.

Four out of three people….
….struggle with math.

It’s all shits and giggles….
….till someone giggles and shits.

Black cats don’t cause bad luck….
….Your life was already shit.

I used to think drinking was bad for me….
….so I gave up – thinking.

Dear Santa, before I explain….
….how much do you know already??

Due to a recent coin shortage….
….no-one is allowed to put in their two cents worth.

The less people know….
….the longer the explanation.

Many people stop looking for work….
….when they find a job.

If you think that marriage is 50/50….
….you don’t know the half of it.

Weed, beer, and whiskey are all made from plants….
….I think I might be a vegetarian.

Knock, knock.  Who’s there?….
….Doorbell repairman.

If people make you sick….
….maybe you should cook them longer.

I’ve taken up pottery in retirement….
….Just kiln time.

The “Earth” without “Art”….
….is just “Eh.”

Do electricians listen to AC/DC….
….or something more current?

Fibbing Friday #307

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Mish-mash from Pensitivity101 last week, so your suggestions please!

1. What is a cannery?

A little, yellow, cartoon bird named Tweety, who t’ouht he taw a puddy tat.

2. What is a rookery?

Any online scam, where you have to prepay with iTunes gift cards

3. What is hooky?

Any person – especially a teenager – who gets a five-finger discount, by walking out of a store without paying for merchandise.

4. What is pinochle?

The non-brand-name, generic version of Nutella.™ ©

5. What is a ricochet?

An Irishman with vertigo/balance problems.

6. What is hubbub?

It’s a big yellow clamp that the traffic warden attaches to your wheel, if you park illegally.

7. What is a podcast?

See ‘Wingnut,’ below.

8. What is a wingnut?

A maple key/seed.  With climate change, we may soon have winds so strong that Abu Dhabi will have a maple syrup industry.

9. What is a switchback?

A knife with a spring-loaded blade that pops out when you push a button.  Get the point??

10. What is a cacophony?

A nonet.  A small musical group of nine people, including a vibraphone and spoons.

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Flim-Flam Phlegm

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I was never a snot-nosed kid, but following my heart surgery, I have become a snot-nosed octogenarian.  It seems that I am constantly sniffing, snuffling, snorting, sneezing, wheezing, coughing, honking, barking and blowing.  It can’t have been caused by the physical operation.  I suspect that I have allergies to one or more of the new medications that I’m taking – irritating, but an acceptable tradeoff.

My Father contracted chronic bronchitis from serving on ships in the North Atlantic, during WW II.  Throughout his life, he suffered extended bouts when he would cough up and swallow mucus.  He probably, unconsciously, learned to self-medicate with Coca-Cola.  The acids help break up the long-molecule phlegm, and ease digestion.

He drank one Coke a day.  He was raised on the old 7 ounce bottle, which Coke first enlarged to 10 ounce, then changed to cans, and finally upsized to standard American 12 ounce – 355 ml here in semi-metricland.  I often saw him crack one, and pour a third of it down the sink.

Possibly because of an increasingly aged population who prefer and can handle only a smaller quantity, the 7-ounce serving is kinda, sorta making a comeback.  Stores are now offering “Minis,” which, here in Canada, are 222 ml, or 7.5 US ounce bottles and cans, .  Other than, “It’s a handy, portable size.” I can’t seem to discover exactly why that size was chosen.

Seven ounces isn’t very much, but in normal circumstances, no amount of soft drink could be considered ‘healthy.’  My Mother nagged convinced him to give up his addiction to Coke, and consume a small glass of milk, instead.  With the best of intentions, it was exactly the wrong thing to do.  Milk, in a stomach already full of phlegm, caused even greater digestive distress.  When we discovered what she’d done, the wife explained the benefits to Mom, and got Dad back on his “medicine.”

Remembering that, now that my nose seems to be constantly running, and my sinuses forever draining, I often swap out my afternoon chocolate milk, for a 6 ounce juice-glass of Pepsi – diluted with an ice cube, a splash of filtered water, and a dash of Morello Cherry syrup.  For more life hacks, follow me here – mostly to ensure that I don’t wander off and get lost.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – X

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I have previously whined opined that I accept the inevitable evolution of the English language.  I just don’t want it to be led by guys with their name on their shirt.  HOLY SHIT!!  It just got even worse.  I recently ran into the Newspeak word

XERTZ

At first, I thought it might have something to do with new, electronic, micro-circuitry.  We should be so lucky.  The Earl of Sandwich invented a new type of food, because of his addiction to, and his refusal to leave, the gambling tables.

This word, which means, Xertz means to gulp or swallow something quickly, often in a greedy or hurried manner, similar to chugging or scoffing down a meal or beverage.

It is a (mostly) slang term, invented by gamers, who are addicted to, and refuse to leave, their precious keyboards, barely taking time to eat, drink, sleep, or attend to basic bodily needs and functions.

Heroin is not toxic, and by itself, will not damage the body.  All of the harm – physical, emotional, social, financial – is caused by distraction from immediate reality.  JUST SAYIN’!!

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Fibbing Friday #306

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Mixed bag last week, so Pensitivity101 was looking forward to our ideas on these.
Complete the saying:

1. Mad as a ……………..

MAGAt, when he drinks the Kool-Aid

2. It’ll all come out in ……………….

The Epstein files.

3. Two’s company, three’s …………….

an extra charge at the massage parlor.

4.  Hi ho ……………………………………

The Lone Ranger is no longer Works Manager at the Seven Dwarfs’ dig.  He opened his own silver mine – a sterling position.

5.  Every cloud has ……………………

About 90% porn uploaded to it.

6.  Sticks and stones ……………….

And you’ll have the second little piggy’s house

7.  In for penny……………..

Because that’s all a Taylor Swift concert is really worth.

8.  Don’t count your …………………..

Fingers, after you shake a politician’s hand.  You may be missing some.

9.  Let sleeping dogs……………….

Lie.  They never tell the truth, anyway.  The badger was THIS big!

10. Hands, knees and …………………..

And I gotta leave the pub earlier

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That’s One For The Books

I’m becoming more and more addicted to YouTube shorts, which leaves me less and less time to read books.  Here are the ones I managed to get through last year.

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1493 – Charles C. Mann
A successor to his 1491 book, showing the massive socio-territorial changes wrought by European colonization of the Western Hemisphere, from Santa’s workshop, down to Patagonia.

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Burner – Mark Greaney
Men’s action/adventure novel, good for passing some of the reduced spare time I have.

ImageDead Letter – Warren Murphy
I dug this book out of a storage box to reread.  Murphy is half of the writing team that produced the very successful Destroyer series.  This is #3 of a short series of three books about a smart, observant, laid-back investigator, based in Las Vegas.  It could have been the archetype for The Rockford Files.  I purchased numbers 1 and 2 on Kindle.

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False Positive – Andrew Grant
When Andrew Grant is not busy, doing most of the writing for his brother, Lee Grant (Child), about Jack Reacher, he publishes the occasional book about a similar character.

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Flash Point – Don Bentley
The actual, full title is TOM CLANCY Flash Point.  Bentley is one of several writers keeping the series – and the cash flow – alive.  The story arc has moved on to the next generation.

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In Too Deep – Lee Child
Credited as Andrew Child, Lee’s brother presents another tale of Jack Reacher out-thinking, out-meaning, and out-punching a bunch of bad guys – predictable, but still mesmerizing.

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Magic Claims – Ilona Andrews
Twenty years ago, I’d have had a hard time believing that I’d get hooked on a series with shape=shifters, vampires, magic, and Russian witches.  She includes so much personal, social, and interpersonal details, the stories are surprisingly believable.  She claims that this is the last book in her “Magic” series. I still have three books in a similar, magic, “Innkeeper” series to go through.

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Midnight Black – Mark Greaney
Another author who feeds the Tom Clancy franchise, Greaney also sometimes publishes the odd diverting, generic Action/Adventure novel – lots of brains, lots of high-quality weapons – saving America, or the world, from…. (Take your pick – Russians, Muslims, terrorists, Lex Luthor???)

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Moa Lisa Overdrive – William Gibson
Book review post is here.

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Red Winter – Mark Cameron
Another “Tom Clancy” action novel.  The man has published more books since he died, than he did while he was alive.  These books are not just (all) mindless, time-killing babble, as I accuse the wife’s ‘Nurse Jane’ romances.  They often include interesting and educational, social, historical, and geographical details.

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The 6:20 Man – David Baldacci
An established author, who is new to me.  His special-ops-trained protagonist, studying to be an accountant, opens lots of story-arc possibilities.

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The Antitheist’s Dictionary – Opher Goodwin
One of only two books I read last year to improve my mind – and I shouldn’t say that too loud.  It’s a list of (mostly Christian) religious words and phrases, what they seem to mean to believers and debaters vs. what they mean to skeptics.

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The Atlas Maneuver – Steve Berry
Murder, terrorism, covert world-wide social and political power, and unimaginable wealth, all through the manipulation of Bitcoin.

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The Chaos Agent – Mark Greaney
Same Old – Same New.  In all literature, there are only 7 basic stories.  Writers like this keep them fresh and interesting by twisting and adding details.

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The Cradle Of Ice – James Rollins
Rollins used to write men’s action books, like the above.  Possibly because of saturation in the genre, he has branched off into Sci-Fi/Fantasy about a non-rotating world, where the sun-facing side roasts, the back side freezes, and all life exists on the narrow, central band.

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The Devil’s Elixir – Raymond Khoury
The distilled sap of an Amazon plant can produce extended/eternal life??!  I’d enlist a bunch of friends, strap on some guns, and go looking – wouldn’t you?

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The Last Kingdom – Steve Berry
The Kingdom of Bavaria might wind up owning Hawaii??!  That’s enough alternate history to cause a lot of international intrigue.

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The Omega Factor – Steve Berry
I don’t know how these writers are blessed –or cursed – with such deep and broad imaginations.  My longest short story was only 1500 words.

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The Survivor – Gregg Hurwitz
Somebody is after the wrong guy – and he has to get smart, fast, and lucky – or die.

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The Tower – Gregg Hurwitz
The maximum security wing of a seaside prison is an 8-story tower, composed only of round, stainless steel bars.  Of course, the insane serial killer escapes the escape-proof facility, and it takes the almost-as-insane tracker to find and stop him.  There’s a lot of deep Freudian psychology dished out.

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To Die For – David Baldacci
The agent-turned-Accountant has graduated, and is back with the CIA.  He’s using his gun and his brain more than his bookkeeping skills.  Perhaps next book.

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Till The End Of Time – Allen Appel
Time travel into the past by mental effort, with no guarantee of duration of visit, or return time.  Doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.  Still, it gives the author a chance to describe history.  Try as hard as he might, the protagonist finds that he cannot change the outcome of the Battle of Little Bighorn.

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Weapons Grade – Don Bentley
In yet another ‘Tom Clancy’-estate inspired novel, the author has the next generation foil a plot to produce H-bomb fuel.

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Zero Hour – Don Bentley
Bentley has Tom Clancy’s ‘kids’ – even though they’re well into their 30s – foil a plot where a Chinese faction is aiding North Korea to develop a missile capable of reaching America’s Pacific coast.  How “Today’s Headlines!”  Having a heroine in an action team, with no left hand, is an interesting twist.

That’s all the books I carried on the Reading Railroad.  CU again soon.

Childish Humor

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After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.  “I’m busy,” he said, “I’ll do the next one.”  The next time came around and she asked again.  The husband looked puzzled, “Oh! I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!”

***

A woman walked out of the bank and suddenly realized she didn’t have her car keys.
She rushed back inside, searched her purse, and gasped:
“Oh no—I must have left the keys in the car!”
Running to the parking lot, she froze. The car was gone.
Panicked, she called the police, reported the car stolen, and even gave them the license plate number.
Then came the hardest call of her life… to her husband.
Stammering, she said, “Honey, the car’s been stolen. I left the keys inside!”

Her husband thundered: “Are you kidding me? I DROPPED you off at the bank—you didn’t even take the car!”  The woman sighed in relief, “Thank God!”  Then she asked, “Can you come pick me up?”
Her husband replied: “Gladly… just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal our own car!”

***

My wife sent me a sweet text that read,
“If you’re sleeping, send me your dreams.”
“If you’re laughing, send me your smile.”
“If you’re crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

***

Dispatcher: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Yeah, um, my wife got badly attacked by a warthog, and I need someone to come up with an ambulance to come pick her up”.

Dispatcher: “Ok, sir, can you give me your address?”

Caller: Yeah, we’re at 1825 Eucalyptus Drive.”

Dispatcher: “Ok, could you spell that for me, sir?”

After a slight pause.

Caller: “Erm, I’m going to drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there.”

Fibbing Friday #305

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Last week Pensitivity101 wanted our thoughts on these!

1. Borg

It was an artificial, sheepskin-like, insulating fabric in Clarissa’s jacket, in The Silence of the Lambs movie.

2. Caught in 4k

I told the neighbor to leave his cell phone, and its GPS app, at the office, if he was gonna visit his side-chick, but tell his wife he was working late.

3. Cheese Pull

Did the bloody Brits invent a new term to describe wanking??

4. Cheugy

This is the Czech name for a filled doughnut that the Poles call a paczki – a word that simply means “package.”  Especially popular before Easter, the local Polish market includes some with a rose-flavored cream center.  Anybody want to try some?  I’ll email them to you.

5. Chopped

These are our Guaranteed, Government, financial, retirement benefits, since the Provincial and Federal Governments have wasted $Billions on every boondoggle except a digital copy of the Epstein files.  The cat and dog have started a GoFundMe campaign, to help ensure their kibble.

6. Chuzz

This is the new Woke language style, that won’t call a spade, a spade – just an African-American, even if they live in Belgium.  He was shot nine times, and unalived.  I’ll bet that he was impressed with that.  It makes it sound like he was standing on queue, waiting for the stairway to Heaven.

7. Crash out

The son works a midnight shift.  He usually comes home and busies himself, making food, and reading, but…. there are some shifts where I come down to find him sprawled – often face-down – on the couch – dead to the world.  I have to wake him up, to go upstairs to sleep.  I sometimes wonder why there isn’t a chalk outline around him.

8. Blue-Pilled

Let’s see….was it the one that shrinks my enlarged prostate??  The one that increases blood-flow, to help it work….or was it the Magnesium supplement?? 😕  It could be arsenic and old Archon.  I gotta trust the wife.  She’s the one who fills my weekly pill dispenser.  I recently found her staring at our marriage license.  I think she’s looking for the expiry date – either the license, or me.

9. Fridge cigarette
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Why is there a letter D in the word ‘fridge,’ but not in ‘refrigerator?’
If you had a look inside my fridge, you’d realize that there’s not enough room for it.
What were we talking about??  Fridge cigarettes??
Uh….frozen fish sticks??!  Not with that door standing open.  😳

10. Buns.
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I have Buns of Steel, © ™ but not from exercising, or else the rest of my body wouldn’t look like Bib, The Michelin Man.  I got them from hours spent in the World’s most uncomfortable computer chair.  Before any of you suggest a better chair – this one is the only reason that I get any of my chores done.

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’25 A To Z Challenge – W

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I’ve already published a post about The Whichness Of The Why, and the only word(s) left on my prompt list for W is

WHIMSY/WHIMSICAL

capricious humor or disposition; extravagant, fanciful, or excessively playful expression
an odd or fanciful notion.
anything odd or fanciful; a product of playful or capricious fancy.

I’ve also had two posts about JUXTAPOSITION, and I worried about justifying the concept of Whimsy/Being Whimsical against my carefully crafted and presented Grumpy Old Dude persona. I know that I publish a significant amount of Friday fibs, one-liners and jokes, but I take comedy seriously, regarding it as psycho-social commentary.  Also, I present it at carefully scheduled times.  It can hardly be called capricious.  I guess I’ll just have to settle for odd or fanciful.

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Lack Of Proof And Proof Of Lack

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SHOULD CHRISTIANS FOLLOW THE EVIDENCE, WHEREVER IT LEADS?

Is there any evidence of the Jews being held in slavery in Egypt?
Is there any evidence of the Jews escaping their slavery – The Exodus?
Is there any evidence of them wandering in the desert for 40 years?
Is there any evidence that the Earth is ten thousand years old?
Is there any evidence of a global flood?
Is there any evidence of the Jews conquering the Promised Land?

In order, the answers are
NO
NO
NO
NO
NO, and
Other than unsubstantiated Biblical claims, there is no evidence that ANY God ever promised any land to the Jews.  The cities that the Israelites took over were financially, socially, and militarily failed mini-kingdoms, where the populace welcomed new, more efficient, less corrupt administrators.

I agree that there is no good evidence for these Biblical events. I have learned that Christianity is not an evidence based faith, as some like to claim. Rather, Christianity is a spiritual experience based faith. When one encounters God through the reading of Scripture, then the Lord imparts that necessary knowledge of himself. Christians know these things happened, not because of the evidence, but because God has revealed it in his word. The Divinely self-authenticating Scriptures are all the evidence we need.

But then, why don’t we find the evidence for these things? My conclusion is that God is testing us, to see if we really love him, to see if we are willing to trust what he says in the face of doubts and contrary evidence.

So, you don’t actually follow the evidence.  You follow delusion, desperation, and pre-supposition.  You frantically try to make facts fit fiction, fantasy, and Faith.

If you go looking for something that you expect to find – that you’ve been told, over and over and over, that you will find – that you want to find – that you need to find….  You will probably find it – whether it exists or not!

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