Hey, Little Bird

It's not your time yet to fly, hey little bird!

Look...
The wind keeps strongly moving against you.
No matter how you fly.

And don't you feel the rain dropping on your tiny broken wings?
It causes burning pains on your open wounds.
Don't hold on to the pain...
No no... you should not.
You won't get any soon better.

And those clouds?
They... they are thick... black... and dark.
They are there... blocking your way.
Here and there.

So, why try flying?
Nothing good up there.

Fly down... fly slowly down... very slowly.
Give yourself time to heal.

Memories

Good memories...
They heal your pains
They flower your heart
They build your dreams
They move you into Paradise

And bad memories...
They come without your expectation ever, unstoppable
They murmur for what you once did wrong, loud and clear
They cinematize your 'crime' past, nothing to defense
They put you into a deep pit, full of guilt

Both stay in your mind
Both talk to you, one at a time...

Verdriet

Verdriet...
Ach, wie kent het niet!
Om welk een oorzaak het ook mag zijn
U kent het uwe... en ik het mijn

Een geliefde, die u misschien verliet?
Ach, noem maar op!
Er is zo veel waardoor men zorgen heeft en leed
Of iets waar een ander... niets van weet
Een ieder kent zijn eigen deel...

Ik schrijf dit niet om u te kwellen
O! nee... dat is mijn bedoeling niet!
Maar juist als u het niet meer ziet,
Wil ik u zo graag van hem vertellen
Je kunt makkelijk praten, zult u misschien zeggen
Maar al mijn zorgen en al mijn verdriet,
Daarvan weet jij toch niet?

Mijn vriendin...
Mag ik proberen het u uit te leggen...
Ik ken iemand, zijn naam noem ik hier niet
Die had veel zorgen en zoveel pijn
Zou er dan nergens uitkomst zijn?
Toen werd hij bemoedigd door onderstaand lied:

Als ge in nood gezeten
Geen uitkomst ziet
Wilt dan nooit vergeten
God verlaat u niet
Vreest toch geen nood
s'Heren trouw is groot
Groter dan de Helper is de nood toch niet...

When She Fell

In her childhood, she was daily watching people going up and down that big mountain, the biggest she had ever seen. She was amazed of its huge shape and she admired its natural beauty; She had always dreamt that one day she would be one of those climbers, trying to reach the peak. Far out of her window, she counted how many climbers came and left; Some made a return in days, some in weeks, some in months, and some seemed never returned; perhaps, they stayed at the peak or she was just not paying attention when they returned. Her dad was however once one among those climbers. Too bad, he never took her along to that mountain and (she knew that) he never would. He said, one day when she was big enough, she could and she would just do it all by herself. He might have been right then.

That day... she never forgot; the day when she left home, taking the journey to go up that dream mountain for the first time. It was one finest day; the sky was clearly blue and the sun hurtlessly shone. She went alone but she carried her dad support along, she was not afraid at all. She took her first steps excitingly, confidently...

The first days she made it quite easy. The mountain was much bigger than she saw from her window, though. She had to stop from time to time for resting. During these stops she met other climbers; they seemed friendly and fun, and she easily got along with most of them. She enjoyed their accompanion and she liked her journey even more. When morning came, she was on her own again. She continued her journey just like the others. One by one, very slowly, they were out of her sight. They didn't wait, nobody did to strangers, we all know that. She just hoped that she would see them again in the next stops and they would create another crazy night.

Days gone, weeks ran fast. She opened her diary, which kept all her secretly and unsecretly daily stories, told and untold. It was then in the 8th week of her total journey. About two months long she left home, about 8 weekends she skipped hanging nights out with her best friends, about 53 stops she made, and about 85 new acquantainces she could memorize. She went out, ready to continue. She looked around, gazing for a while. She breathed in and breathed out; the air felt so fresh. She looked up and she could see the peak very closed. It would probably take another week to reach it... she smiled, proudly... Yes, she almost made it!

She was much more enthusiastically than before, she climbed up unsteadily fast, she kept looking high, she made less stops, she was so impatiently to be on top. She was careless and ignorance, she gave up some sleep-hours for speeding up the journey. She was too excited... too excited that she didn't see the night almost came. She was too arrogant to admit that she needed some rest; her back ached, her legs trembled, her stomach starved. She should have taken the previous stop because it took another 4 hours to the next one. Puff... Noway, she wouldn't walk back, she just proceeded. She was tired and she lost focus. She didn't see a stone, she lost her balance and she almost fell. Luckily the stone was not big, pufff... A-a, she was not that lucky; the ground was so slippery from yesterday rain; she stepped onto it and she lost a secure footing; she tried to gain it back with the other foot but it was too weak to support a balance; she slided and fell...

She fell... more and more down.

She landed somewhere silent and empty. She looked around, she saw no one and she heard no crowd. She looked up, she missed the peak. She didn't know how far she fell; it was so quick and it was really painful. She moved her fingers, they're fine; she saw some blood coming from her knee, but (thank God) she could move her legs still; she didn't try to lift up her body though, she laid down instead with face on the ground. She didn't cry, she didn't even scream for help; she knew it would be helpless. She was just thankful that she was still alive and complete. She was tired and she let herself fall asleep.

She was awaken the next morning by sunlight; it was a warm dry morning. She felt tired still a bit, she didn't move. She was thinking how it had happened to her. She regretted not to stop earlier, she wouldn't have felt so tired by now otherwise. She cursed that stone standing on her way, she wouldn't have stepped onto that slippery spot otherwise. She blamed the rain for making it hard for her and of course the sun for not drying it fast. At the end she felt fool herself. If only she had stopped... if only that stone hadn't been on her way... if only it hadn't been rain... if only if those had stopped from happening, she would have been by now somewhere even higher than the place where she fell. Somewhere near top.

It seemed that the fall had taken away her energy. She could just lay down there, hoping that someone would find her. Just hoping, didn't know for how long; that part of the mountain was quite remote, no living house nearby, no people passing by. She could cry out loud all day but no one would hear, no one felt her pain. She needed help, she needed a proper place to rest, she needed food; someone would help her but (she realized) she had to find that someone. Hardly visible, there seemed like a house in a distant. She should have gone there, she hesitated for a while. This was not good, she realized that; she had to stand up and tried to move a step towards that house. Hesitating, she rised, she felt her back aching. She walked... slowly making one step after another towards that house. She forgot about reaching the peak for the moment, she just wanted to have some proper rest. She needed to call home, parents must have been waiting for her call. She waited until she reached that house.

It was a modest hostel, the owner was an old couple living there. She was lucky to have the last room. The woman was caring enough to offer her aid bandage, to give her drink and food; she felt fine. She called home right afterwards, she heard parents so excitedly talking from the other line. She told them about the fall, but she didn't tell them how bad it was. As always. She never shared her pains to her parents indeed. She didn't want to make them worry, they had enough worries she thought. She just said, it turned out okay now and she was safe there in that little hostel, she might have needed more time to rest. Yet, she even didn't know herself what she would do next; should she have returned home or let her dad pick her up or continued her journey to that dreamy peak. She wanted still to go to the top. She would be able to view other villages, seas she never visited; she would be carving her name on a big rock; she would enjoy staying there for as long as she wanted. She could still but she didn't think that she was able to do it now. She felt tired and she fell asleep.

She woke up late afternoon the next day, feeling much better after 23 hours sleep. She had no idea what made today better than yesterday; it was just perfect. She took shower, singing loud, dressing up, going out for hunting meal. She passed the living room, where she found the landlady. She greeted her enthusiastically: 'good day!' She told her that she was going to prolong her stay for another couple of weeks. Yes, she decided to stay in that little hostel.

She had decided, she would still climb further up until she reached the top... she would! And she would do it later slowly and very carefully, she would (hopefully) not fall again. This was her last promise.

My Dear

Dated on September 2005.

It's a story, inspired by an Indonesian girl whom I never met. I got her letter, written in Bahasa (Indonesian language), from one non-direct Dutch Professor (he and fam knew this girl during vacation in Indonesia) in my university. I've read it couples of times, trying to follow her emotions, before I put her original letter into "My Dear". As I read it again today, I'm still wondering what has been really happening to this girl...

He was not and would never be here anymore. Never would he walk, as he used to, on this path covered with brick-color squared tiles and surrounded by city lights. I was watching some leaves falling down from the trees. It would have been a romantic background for a wedding picture. I wondered.

“Never dream of such a romantic life. It will hurt you. He is still the same guy, whom you are never able to change.” These words were striking me back to my real world.

I tied my coat, trying to stand firm. It was never be wrong for an even abnormal woman to dream about having a gentle touch from a guy. For a guy, whom I missed so much, I would never stop this from dreaming. “But never ask him if he feels the same way you do. Never seek a single answer.” I bowed my head, feeling sad. These words kept coming back in my head.

This was my choice. Just like a cat can find a way home or a crab ends up in its hole at the Cornulla beach. I would survive. I convinced myself. “It is never that easy unless you can accept that with smile in your lips while your heart is actually crying.” I was annoyed. I would never lose, I thought.

The blue sky and the warm sunshine made me feel a bit happy. At least I could feel summer in this cold winter. I missed home; I missed the traditional coffee of Toraja. “Great. This is the first other things that you can recall besides him.” His shadow suddenly clearly appeared again, in front of me and everywhere else my eyes catch. Nobody ever knew how hard it’d hurt me and how often this torture feeling had come to me again and again.

“You cannot run far. You are just about one second from him. What you can do now is to face the reality.” This sound was constantly whispered in my ears. But it was not my fault. Not at all. I felt weak and hopeless.

I saw a young girl with a colorful make-up. Her legs, wrapped tied with a black panty, were in a pair of khaki boots. A pink ballerina skirt fitted very well with her thin legs. I was smiling for a while. How I love this city!

“Really? Isn’t here just your hidden place? You walk to the city centre, trying to console yourself. Here is not your place.” It sounded more cynical. I stopped for a moment at the edge of a pedestrian way. I checked my backpack’s pocket to search for my Lipton Ice. Hmmm… its bitter taste relieved me. I came here indeed to cheer me up. Nothing was wrong with that!

Who couldn’t love Sydney, especially when you felt burdened? A sweet taste of the sea, a jazz concert in the middle of the Darling harbor, a view of small ships entering the harbor, a number of town girls with mini skirts walking in the windy day, warm fries and fish fingers, a caramel macchiato at café, unique shells at the Cornulla Beach, and clean public toilets with free tissues.

“Without your dear one?” Oh please, stop talking to me as if I was a weak child! I yelled back to it. I was just trying to feel okay. I tried not to cry.

He had indeed forgotten me. Just like an author killed the super hero in his own story. I was dumped, without destination and without hope. But I did believe that even an elephant could not lose its mind. I would help him try to remember me. I was yet, just as I had been before and I would always be his dear one. It was difficult for everybody to understand it. They kept cynically telling me that my relationship was weird. However, it always seemed right for me to desire him. I did not care what other people said. Especially he is a dear to me. Only that blue sky and I could understand it.

I’d ever asked why it had been so easy for him to forget me. Hadn’t you ever promised me your life? And never leave me? We would not talk about memories here. Not anymore. I just wanted to ask you one thing. Why had you left me? Was I not the only one who knew you very well? And nobody could ever touch your heart just the way I did?

“Keep talking. Nobody will be sorry for you. Stand firm on the ground. You did not fly towards here within a second. You accomplished a journey. You chose already and so did he. You both are no longer a couple. Face it. Don’t bother him anymore. Isn’t it you who made this happen? Isn’t it your wish?” These voices made me stand still in the crowd of the Paddy’s market. I suddenly remembered to buy me a violet soft scarf. I wanted to look pretty before him. I would survive and fight for this feeling.

A year ago he’d called me to say that he’d bought silver wind chimes with blue small dolphins at Legian, Bali. But on his way home, these chimes had turned into pieces. I’d been crying all day long for his stupidity. Though I’d searched through his pockets and his luggage’s, I’d found nothing. I’d even called the airline company he’d flown with, asking them for these chimes. With some regrets, they could not help me more. His body and his luggage were all that I’d got. I couldn’t accept this. Never. He’d even forgotten his last promises to me. I never stopped blaming him.

The Paddy’s market was cheerily crowded in this Sunday. There were sold bracelets and necklaces made by ethnic black bronze, possibly from India, fabric bags with Chinese ornaments, different colors of candles, fancy soaps, oil flavors, and also shell souvenirs. I’d been enjoying visiting each stall until a young girl waved her hands exactly before my eyes. Maybe she’d thought that I was having a day dreaming. “Mam, Maybe these blue dolphins will cheer you up. Only for 10 dollars, Mam.”

At glance there were a bunch of weird feelings coming. I reached my wallet and gave her 20 dollars. I took that wind chimes with blue dolphins myself and insisted the girl’s offer to wrap it in.

My dear… I held you tight here in my heart with my tears. Never would we separate again. You would always be there every time I opened my eyes and as long as my heart beats. Let us face this wonderful life together.

My dear… I knew that you wanted me to find you back in the city where we’d met the first time. I knew that you could not express your love with any words. But I believed that you really wanted to fulfill your last promises. My dear… thank you.

Vrolijk Pasen

Something in this Easter has miraculously made me happy...

I feel forgiveness...
I believe that I'm forgiven as I forgive.
I forgive everything without forgetting any.
And this forgiveness has finally broken my long silence...

I find happiness back...
Happiness had used to be my best accompanion until sadness began to rule my days.
Sadness had blocked my eyes to see things and had paralyzed my feet to stand firm.
I removed it away so I could see beauties again.
I removed it away so I could freely move.
Sadness is gone and I find now my happiness back...

I see new hope...
I start to dream again and hope enpowers me to make it real.
With new hope, I'm gona live each day of my life to the fullest.
With new hope, I long for better tomorrows...

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there is a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

I guess, this point has come to my life... in this Easter.
I don't worry. I stop questioning. And I celebrate this Easter with rejoice.
Something in this Easter has miraculously made me happy... indeed.

Vergeving

Vergeving,
kan een schuld goed maken.

Vergeving,
het kan je soms ook raken.

Vergeving,
kan je weer gelukkig maken,
dan moet je niet meer
liggen waken.

Vergeving,
het is iets wonderbaar
en dat maakt het
leven weer waar.

This is about forgiving.
Just like to anyone, it annoys me when it comes to conflict.
Most of the time, I remember many details of it: how it started, what went wrong, who did what, and so on...
I could blame the other to freed my self from the mess.
I could take a revenge to satisfy my madness, but sure not my soul.
Yupe, I have been thinking of these... but not farther than just a mean thought.

In the end, I forgive...
Much more easily to forgive the other than to forgive myself.
Forgiving but not forgetting any...
Anything that has been said and done.

Don't throw away the beauty of the past and don't blame the unfulfilled promises.
No one can unfortunately demand the past.
I learn that people can change anytime beyond what I could control.
I learn to forgive and I learn it very hard...