I am also waiting for 11:00 to come so I can commence operation "Valentines party" for 7 of my day home kids, 5 of them are 3 and under so this will take lot's of concentration and energy so I am sitting here relaxing watching them play sooo good together and building a fort so I decided to blog while we wait for party time, unless they need me then I will have to go and finish posting later, we will see how this plays out...so far so good.
So I think it is time to blog about the obvious things that most of you know is going on in my life but even if you do you will have to read about it anyway, unless you don't want to, then you can just not read it right??
Caution, before proceeding....This may be long.....You have been warned, and I may not have any pictures to distract from the boredom of it all. But I want to write it all so I have it remembered for my own purposes.
So first things first.... I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my 6th child. This baby was FAR from planned, fully prevented but decided to find a way to come anyway. Now this is going to sound really harsh at first but bear with me so I can explain all my awesome emotions that have come with this surprise in my life.
Mitch and I had been talking the last few months and we decided it was time to do something about this no more baby thing since Macey was going to be 7 in April we obviously are not having anymore, and since I was pretty much told not to have anymore by the doctors after I had Macey we stopped along time ago. Funny thing is, it took me a few years to be ok with not wanting anymore kids, I think Macey was 5 before I decided this was good, I have 5 and they are all getting older and it was really nice, I was really liking my situation and my life with my older growing independent kids. It was a good place.
Mitch booked his vasectomy in September, he was due to get it November 20th, on November 16th I took a prego test because I had symptoms and I was late but I was sure it was all in my head, so I took a test just to put my mind at ease......well that didn't work, my mind was not put at ease! My doctor says it is the curse of the vasectomy..they want one last hurrah!! Funny I know.
I bawled...BAWLED!!!! I called Mitch and he could not hardly understand me, once he figured out what I was saying his response was this "Mitch laughs" then he says " well, ok I guess we are having a baby, Jana it is ok, we already have 5 and it is just 1 more it will be ok, I will be home soon and we will talk just relax, we will figure it out"
I hung up and sat there on the toilet ( lid was closed) for a few more minutes. I then went into the living room and called my mom, I was bawling and again I had to repeat myself for her to understand, she got my dad on the phone and we talked, well, I cried.
My mom said her and my dad would be coming out that day to come see me so she calmed me down and I waited for their arrival, it is about a 1 hour and 10 min drive to my house for them, my dad had some errands and then they would head out.
I sat and cried all afternoon, it was not even the baby so much but what I knew was coming, the sick..the horrible 3 months of death that was ahead of me..I don't just get sick, I get deathly ill, in the hospital on IV ill, can't even roll myself out of bed or take care of my self let alone my kids sick! My mom and dad and Mitch tagged teamed everytime I was pregnant. I didn't know what I was going to do, My mom and dad lived too far away, I run a day home, I was working at Walmart on Friday and Sat evenings which I quickly quit so that was not a problem and what about my family and my house?? How was I going to do this?? I was not going to be able to take care of things. When my parents got there I talked to my mom about these things and she said that she would stay with me during the week and go home on the weekends when Mitch didn't have to work and he was home. I then knew if worst comes to worst I at least have my mom and she would be here to help me, everything was going to be ok....My dad gave me a blessing, this blessing told me that this time would be different then my other experience, that I would not be free from illness but I will be able to manage it and take care of what needs to be taken care of, and that my body has had time to heal and rest so it was ready to take on the responsibility of carrying a baby. It was confirmed to me that this was indeed a plan that was not mine, one that was put in place along time ago and now the time has come for it to come forth, I was so relieved to hear that because I was just worried it was something we did, that we were dumb and didn't even know it. But no matter what we would have done it would have happened.
Anyway, time proceeded and I started to get sicker and my mom was here getting up with my kids and getting them off to school and doing my laundry and cleaning and cooking. I was barfing and sometimes not barfing, just very nauseous. I was handling it better and it was not nearly as bad as I was with my others, but still crappy but It was going ok. But when you feel so crappy you start to associate everything with feeling crappy, so everything was just was crappy...and the thought of having a baby was so over whelming and crappy and that is all I felt, just how burdened I was with this new baby when I was finally just getting a taste of freedom that comes with older children, not just for myself but us as a family with our holidays, how much fun they were that we could do things that we all could enjoy.
We had plans, I was going to 46 when Macey graduated from high school and we were going to be young grandparents and spend time dong what Mitch and I can do as a couple and enjoy ourselves and travel and visit our kids and have energy to enjoy my grand kids for a long time. All the things we never got to do as a couple since we had kids right away.
I was starting to get out of my house again and do my hair again and wear jeans again and I had new freedoms now that my kids could be left with each other and I could do things with Mitch more, these things that happen when your kids get older and I was becoming "Jana" again and identifying myself as not just the mother of my children and then wife of Mitch but that I had my own identity too. Not to say that life with little children and that being who I was was a bad thing, it is just a different chapter of life and all those who have babies know that is what happens, you have your children and they become your life, every waking hour is devoted to them. But when they get older they get involved in activities, sports, friends, dances and they don't need you the same. I start to go to these activities and sporting events and talking with adults more and start doing things I stopped doing years ago because now I have the time for yourself more. Not because I was feeling like I was missing out when my kids were all little but because that is how things evolve. Life was changing to a new stage of not having little kids anymore and I was really starting to enjoy it and them in a new way. So all of a sudden I was thrown back into that place of my hair is in a bun, clothes that don't fit anymore so joggers here we come not wanting to go anywhere because it requires too much effort to go all at the same time and feeling tied to my house and going no where. I felt awful, I was useless, my house was a mess and it sucked. Life could not get any worse then it was at that moment.
Then in December my mom suddenly passed away, she left my house on Friday and she was gone on Tuesday. She started getting sick on Saturday night and we just thought she had the flu, I called her on Monday to see how she was doing and she was still sick, I was waiting for her to get better so she could come back to my house, I needed her.
I called Tuesday morning and she was starting to feel better but was still tired.Then my dad called me at 4:30 to tell me she was gone. I am not sure my life had ever been more horrid then that moment. We all know it will happen someday, we even talk about that day, My mom even talked about it to me and my girls on the Thursday before because she was talking about her ring she would pass down to me and then me to my oldest daughter, that got passed to her from her mother, but no one can prepare you for the reality of that and how hard it actually is, she was only 63.
I could not believe The Lord would give me a baby when I least expected it and then take my mom right after when I needed her more then I have needed her in a long time...I was just in shock. Then I felt selfish, mad that I had kept my mom from my dad for 2 weeks when she could have been spending those last days with her beloved companion, that she spent her last days serving me, and that all I was doing was waiting for her to be better so she could come back and take care of me. Then I was mad she was just gone, just like that. So many of us depended on her, how could he take her? Then I decided not to be mad, I couldn't be. She was free from her body, free from her burdens, she was free to rest. And if you knew my moms life you would know she deserves to rest. She raised 8 kids the first 5 of us are only 4 years apart. She had grand kids while she still had 3 kids at home, Mitch and I lived with them for 4 years and during that time Dina moved out. And the week before Mitch and I moved out Mark and his wife and 5 kids moved in. Mark has since been divorced and my mom has been raising Marks kids so Mark can go to work. My mom has always had kids, and when you are old and tired that is alot, but she loved kids and she did it. Her body was sore, she had really bad knees so she didn't get around very well, she had 90% her thyroid taken out years ago so she had troubles managing her weight which made it harder for her to get around. But she did it and no matter how tired she was she still did it. She always had kids to raise, my parents were never empty Nester's.
After my mom died for next few weeks was family and a funeral, then Christmas. During the week before her funeral I was feeling pretty good, not great but I was not as tired and my sick was subsided which was a blessing. Her funeral was nice and being together with my siblings was very healing. I went home Tuesday night after the funeral excited to get up the next day and clean my house...I woke up and puked my guts out for the next 3 days. I will take that week for the tender mercy that it was. Christmas was still a nice day, a hard day but a nice one, I puked half the day but only half the day so that was nice, it was not the best one but we survived it and there was still enjoyment in the day. The days since have been hard, getting through everyday after that was like trudging through mud as my friend would put it, I thought for sure I would never feel normal or good about anything again.
I have started to feel better the last few weeks I am not 100% but I am at least up and staring to cook and clean again and the clouds are starting to drift away, I am starting to feel like myself again and I am even starting to get out of my house a little . I am starting to get excited about this new baby that is coming, my kids can hardly wait they want it here now. I am getting fatter by the day and I have no clothes, mostly because I don't want to buy them, I bought some and they are now too small for me!! What the heck?? how do you gain 20 pounds when you are barfing up half of what you eat or are not eating at all the other half of the time??? **Siigghhhh***** Oh well, it will be worth it right? That is the way I go with the babies, I am pregnant from head to toe, I am not that cute all belly prego lady....Nope not me.
It is still hard some days, I have my good days and bad days with the loss of my mom, I called her everyday, she was always there when you needed her and she was my babysitter when I needed to leave the kids over night, she knew everything about cooking, about the gospel, everything she just always had the answer, we were close.
I try not to talk about it too much with people, I do not want to burden them with a constant sadness, and I am not sure some of my friends around here knew what to do with a bummed out, serious Jana and I think It gets hard for people who do not have the emotional attachment to keep understanding day in and day out. But I have my sisters, we talk about it and it helps. I also talk to my children, they took it hard and some are having a hard time understanding why she had to go. My mom was such a good Grandma, they loved her and she loved them, she always sang them silly songs with their names in it, my kids always sing her songs. It is hard when they are so young and have to experience such a loss. I didn't loose my fist grandparent till I was 19 and even then up till my mom's death, it was the worst day of my life.
Life is strange sometimes but even through all the crap that I have been through emotionally these last few months I have also never been so close to my Savior. I am sooo thankful for the gospel in my life, I have had some of the most spiritual experience of my life through this whole experience. I have had things revealed to me and amazing moments of being so close to the spirit that there are no words to even express them and I would not trade that for the world. I also know there are more amazing moments to come.
I know it is hard for me to express in words on paper how I feel, to explain everything that has gone on and how this has effected me, I am way better face to face. There have also been a few other things like my basement being totally ripped apart and needing to get that finished before the baby comes is a stress. But I want you all to know I am in no way harbouring any negative, bitter, resentful feelings towards this baby, I know this was not the babys fault and if having a baby 7 years later when I am 35 is the worst thing to happen to me...I will take it! Everyone does things different, they parent different, They have different ideas what is good for their children, they deal with things different and cope in different ways and no one is right or wrong, well unless you are abusing your children or neglecting them. When I had all these feelings after I found out, I talked with my mom about how guilty I felt because I was not happy about it, how there are so many people out there including 2 of my siblings and 1 of Mitch's who struggle with having kids or don't have any at all and would do anything to have one, and here I am, I didn't even want one and I got one without even trying. She just told me that I am not the first and I will not be the last to go through something like this and we all have our own trials and it is no for us to tell God what he can and cannot give us and that this will be the greatest things to ever happen to us, trials are trials no matter how they come, and this is how we grow and build strength.
I am soo thankful for a mother who taught me to be tolerant of all people and things, to understand and not judge another for we are all different and we have strengths and weakness that we have to work on and Heavenly Father loves all of us for who we are.
To have a testimony and to live my life that is pleasing me and the Lord and that is all the matters. To take care of my home, and my family and to find joy in the simple things in life, to not desire worldly things, that family is what we need to desire the most. She taught me to cook and bake, to be confident in who I am despite what anyone may think about me. To stand strong for what I believe in to have my own opinions and points of view even if it does not conform to others thinking but to still respect others opinions and points of view even if they are not the same as mine. I tried really hard not to make this post too personal, I didn't think I was ready to be sad today.
It is true when they say the good die young, they get taken because they are so needed on the other side. I am at peace with my loss, I don't like it, but I am o.k. I am at peace with this baby that is coming, I always wanted 6 so I guess I am getting my way after all.
Anyway, that is all the seriousness I can take right now. I just ate 3 Popsicles, I think I have a problem. I could eat Oranges and Popsicle's all day every day right now, they are my loves.
So till next time, which will probably be at the rate I seem to go it will be pictures of the baby, which is due July 17th. peace out.
The last picture taken of my mom, a month before she passed.



