Waiting on Him

It was Monday, April 5, my Father’s birthday. It was barely lunch hour, and I still have few hours to burn before I could go home and celebrate with the family.

Our conversation at the office was about testing for COVID. An officemate was tested positive, so they did contact tracing at work. I was not part of the list but we decided to have ourselves tested just for security and assurance that we’re safe.

I did the Saliva Antigen test. I wasn’t anxious or anything while waiting for the 15 minutes to pass to hear the results. And then, our nurse called and asked me to visit her clinic. I knew right at that instance, that my result was positive.

The nurse showed me my test kit. It had that double red line. She explained to me what I should do and when I should go back to work. I was almost speechless, and I remember myself nodding and nodding to all her instructions.

While I made a beeline to the stairs, my first thought was “Lord, bakit, ano yung gusto mong sabihin sa akin? Hindi ba talaga kita naririnig?”

As I was gathering my stuff to go home, I felt like a kid preparing herself for a serious talk with her father. I understand that 14 days of isolation would mean more alone time with the Lord, who would surely make me realize and see things that were hard to grasp.

I packed my bags as my family and I agreed to go to our house in Cavite, where I would stay for 14 days.

Day 1, Day 2, Day 3. Being an introvert, I don’t have a problem being alone. I always find things to do, and I don’t get bored when I am alone. I can’t remember when I am bored because I am alone. But what made me anxious were the symptoms, and the uncertainty of the progression of the symptoms. I made sure I spent my time in prayers.

I can’t remember a prayer time that I didn’t cry. I was crying, really crying to the Lord. And as I expected, the Lord taught me a lot of things.

The Lord taught me first-hand how to live by the Spirit and not by the flesh. It has been a topic that I’ve been trying to apply in my life. I believe in living by the Spirit, but I struggle with how to do it in my everyday life.

He taught me that it’s never wrong to admit my fears, my worries, and my concerns, but what is wrong was acting like I can take care of my spiritual needs when the truth is I cannot. Because only the Lord can take away my worries and bring me peace, I can’t remember how many times I have cried out of my fear to experience the worst in this situation.

At first, I was hesitant because does admitting my fears make me less trusting in the Lord? Is the Lord’s presence in my life not enough not to feel fear? Admission of our helplessness and our frailty is exactly what makes us human. I am afraid and weak, but my courage and strength come from the Lord.

I didn’t realize how much I depended on my own to protect myself from the virus. I was praying for His protection on my family and me, yes, but I didn’t see how much my trust in my safety is not on the Lord but on the thing that I do to keep myself healthy and protected.

It’s easy to be grateful for everything. The presence of my parents, the concern of my siblings, and the prayers of my friends. They seemed to be neglected in my daily prayer, but understanding that the Lord provided everything, how can I not say thank you?

I praise God that I didn’t have to experience severe symptoms. I thank God that He comforted me and helped me along the way.

Truly, the Lord speaks in ways we seldom understand, but when we hear Him, we just have to obey.

I decided to draft a blog instead of posting this on Twitter or Facebook, so I may have a new entry.

I find it ridiculous that I am paying an excessive amount to keep my domain here in WordPress while I don’t post anything. So, yeah. Here. Another entry.

It’s almost bedtime, and I just finished reading a chapter in my bible. Also, I had a sudden urge to post here because I just scrolled through Goodreads, and I suddenly miss reading fiction, joining book club discussions, and writing book reviews. Blogging brings me back to my younger self.

Lately, I’ve been spending too much time watching movies and series on Netflix. I’m getting lazier each day. Not good. Not good.

So anyway, I really don’t have much to share. I need to close my eyes and sleep.

Good night, world!

I don’t think I am that a huge Korean drama fan, but since, despite of the numerous options in Netflix, I was left without much choice but to try watching Korean dramas.

I used to really avoid Korean dramas, because I find it inconvenient to watch and read subtitles at the same time. But we all had to start somewhere.

I’m writing this because I want to share about Reply 1988, which I just recently watched in Netflix. It’s a series aired in around 1995 in South Korea, but recently made waves in Netflix. It’s mainly about five childhood friends who grew up in a tightly-knit neighborhood. The story tells the story of their families, too, and how their lives are intertwined. And as the title implies, the setting is on 1988. This made the series easier to love especially for someone who was born in the early 80’s and is a sucker of nostalgia.

It’s a 20-episode series, but I stopped at episode 18. Not because it’s not interesting anymore. But because I am so emotionally invested in this small neighborhood that I don’t want them to go yet! I am not ready to let them go, and finishing the series would mean I need to move on and find another series again.

This series is so good, that I was laughing, crying, then feeling warm all at the same time while watching it. The melody of the soundtracks are so perfect for each scene – I don’t understand their language, so I am just talking about the melody. I even searched for the translation of one of the soundtrack.

The characters were all well played by the actors. They are so endearing and relatable.

I even started following some of the actors in their IG account. I told you, I am not yet ready to let them go.

There are a lot of scenes that made me cry. Given the series has a very simple plot, but there are a lot of surprises – scenes that you don’t realize would make you cry. I cried with them, laugh with them, and dreamt with them. Oh no, ending this series is like losing a family!

Okay, so I haven’t decided to finish the series yet, but I am writing this now, so I can go back to this and remember how much these five families made me a part of them.

I’ll post again after I’m done with the series. 🙂

4:24 PM

Yes, it’s the fourth day of the lockdown. It felt like any other Sunday (while it’s Wednesday). The children next door are all outside now. They were playing basketball, wrestling over an unknown issue. Just know, a corn vendor passed by, hmnnn the delicious smell of sweet corn is in the air.

I don’t feel bored. Oh, does an introvert ever feel bored when stuck at home? No, because introverts don’t use “stuck” when at home. We find joy each time we stay at home.

There’s so much I can do at home. Read books, paint – acrylic, oil, or watercolor, draw, sculpt, do skin care, sew, and clean the house. There’s so much to do.

I feel uneasy because I don’t know if this one-month lockdown will be strictly implemented. I have a whole slew of things I want to do. I don’t know how to use my time efficiently.

My sister’s sleeping now, nursing a cough and cold. We’re praying this is not because of the Covid 19 but just her body’s normal reaction to some vitamins she’s not used to drinking.

It’s my sister’s birthday, too, and for the first time in a long time, we’re not celebrating it with the whole family. It’s quite sad, but we all must endure this situation.

I am also praying for my immediate healing, my phlegm is not improving, and each day I breathe through God’s grace that I’ll be fine until this ordeal is over and that He’ll heal me soonest.

These are the days when I have to trust and claim God’s grace in my life. Isolated. Physically helpless. But I am moving forward through His love.

8:09 PM

Watching the news, with the President speaking making new announcements, while also fixing the groceries I bought from our Cooperative store at work. We were still at work when the news broke out that the entire Luzon is under an “enhanced community lockdown”.

I realized I don’t have enough goods in stock. Whey protein, chia seeds, and mass gainer are all I have in bulk. Need to do grocery. I had to leave work early and do a quick shopping in our Cooperative store. Praise God that we have this kind of facility. I didn’t have to endure long queue and uncertain amount of stocks in supermarkets.

I was also happy that I only paid Php 1,980.00 for a bag load of canned goods, condiments, and toiletries. Convenient and cheaper! Thank you, Lord!

I was also blessed with a favor from an officemate; she willingly drove and dropped me off in our place, so I can bring home my stash.

As I was fixing my groceries, I was reminded that this is what I personally need. A time when I will live in truth, faith, and in spirit. I was praying for my parents who are in a city outside Metro Manila. I pray for them each time I can. I am scared, but I can only put my trust and faith in the Lord that He will take care of them.

I was reminded, “if I love my family, the Lord loves them more.” I have to trust the Lord that while we are apart, they are well taken care of. This is one of the days I have to fully rely on the Lord.

I realized how blessed I am. To have a steady job, to have means to survive, to have enough money to buy groceries, to have enough until this lockdown ends, to have a job waiting for me after all of this died down.

Oh, Lord, forgive me for being ungrateful sometimes, or maybe, most of the time. Thank your for this time when I have to fully trust in You. May I rise out of this situation victorious and stronger through Your name.

I will praise Your name, Lord, no matter what.

While, for some, this January is somewhat dreadful with all that’s happening, this month is another expression of God’s grace and faithfulness to me – blessed to be 38.

I praise the Lord that amidst all the chaos, I can find comfort and hope in His words. I am thankful that my Lord is always faithful and loving and that He is in control.

For everything I am, was, and will be, I praise you, Lord Jesus – the Alpha and the Omega.

Thank you for this another year. 😘

Suddenly I was afraid. Fearful for this year to end.

I didn’t intend to sit down and make a careful assessment of how 2019 was to me, but some things that happened made me do so.

As much as I refused to acknowledge it, this year is a year of brokenness, of goodbyes, of closures, of letting go, as much as this is a year of healing and daily renewals.

I realized how much goodbyes there has been for this year. People walked away from me. I lost them, they lost me. I chose to ignore the heartbreaks it brought me. I chose to recognize how God is working in my life, and that He is in control. But suddenly, I was made to realize, that while amidst the brokenness there is God, the brokenness shouldn’t be ignored.

I have to look at it straight on the eye, and find strength and learning from all the cracks, from all the shattered pieces of my heart. God is with me, it’s a fact, but I must acknowledge pain and rise from it.

There were goodbyes and closures in death, in moving to another chapter, in leaving, in being forgotten. This year was filled with healing, with restorations, heartbreaks and failures.

This was the year that I had fall outs. I had been to crossroads. I had been to different places in my life.

2019 has been a year that’s brimming with challenges and unexplained situations. So, I cannot help but wonder, will 2020 be the year of breakthrough for me?

I trust that God is preparing me for something bigger and bolder for 2020. I am excited and scared at the same time. I shouldn’t be. But 2019 is barely closing, who knows about all the surprises this is yet to offer me before the new year strikes.

This is not about love.

It has been more than a year, but my mind would still go back to those days and nights whenever an opportunity to recall certain memories arise.

Who can blame me? Why blame me when I am just trying to state a fact, to recall a part of my history, which, fortunately or unfortunately, includes someone I shouldn’t be remembering.

I wonder if I gush whenever I talk about some stories, including our silly talks, and I hope other people do not notice it. Do my eyes sparkle whenever I talk about him? The mere mention of that person makes my heart flutter, and I wonder if my effort to act like he doesn’t matter is working or failing.

It’s silly, I know.

Another part of “our” story just shut its door. And a part of me was broken when I heard about the news. I tried to bid goodbye to it and our memories, wondering what would happen to all of them? I can imagine all the “ghosts” of those memories flying around, maybe searching for a place to stay. I hope the memories will reach to whom they should belong. Will it reach that person? It’s the kind of “ghost” that I would want to haunt him in his dreams. Creepy, I know. But those are happy ghosts.

I am unsure why I am talking about this or why I even assign a spot for these thoughts here in my blog. Just like remembering some part of my history, this brings me joy.

Yes, the thought sparks joy.