Merry Christmas!

I did not make time to send out or even make Christmas cards.  I would shoot for New Years or Valentines even but I don't want to get anyone's hopes up.I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!  Time with family is absolutely priceless.  Words cannot express the love and gratitude I have for my Savior and my Heavenly Father.  I have had numerous experiences lately that have shown me JUST HOW LOVED I AM, and how much he watches over me. Christmas will always have a big hole in it with Eric being gone, there's just a sense of loneliness and it's hard.  I can finally say I'm glad it's hard.  I'm glad it hasn't become easier because I want to miss him.  I don't want to forget.  Those sorrowful feelings are the perfect reminder of the Plan of Salvation. I will see Eric again, my family is eternal and my Savior lives.

I'm so blessed to have a wonderful supportive husband and two of the worlds most handsome boys.  I'm grateful for my family and I would not be where I am today without them.  We've had a great year overall.  Andy's new job has been a great and much needed change for us.  He still takes great pictures, but it's more enjoyable to take pictures when he wants to, rather than having to.  Gavin and Max are getting so big, and independent.  They love school and every day brings new adventures, funny sayings and lots of laughter! Being a mom has never been more exhausting than these past several months with my thyroid problems. We are hopeful that in two-three more months I might be back to what I call normal. We love our home, we have great neighbors/and friends.  I have become quite attached to our ward family, there are some really amazing people here.  I finally got my "White Christmas"  I love the snow and I even gladly do the majority of shoveling. I am so grateful I have been able to spend this holiday season at home with my boys, the past two years I've been busy working retail and I couldn't do it on top of everything else.  It has been a nice break:)

Anyway, be safe.  Be Happy! Cherish every moment you have in this life, it could change or be gone in an instant!

If I sent cards out I probably would have used this cute picture of my boys...

Pictures with Santa

A picture of the overpriced but cute picture with Santa.

They played so well together, it was sad to say goodbye.

 Temple Square!

 My buddy!

It's a little blurry but at least we are all in it this time:) I'm grateful Max will still sit in a stroller, much easier than chasing him through crowds of people, and he was nice and warm

I love all the lights, I  love the snow, I love sipping, ahem chugging, hot chocolate every morning and most nights too.  I love Christmas trees, especially once their decorated(the un-decorating, not so much).  I enjoy most Christmas music(but only after Thanksgiving has been enjoyed).  I especially love teaching my boys Christmas songs(their version of lyrics are very entertaining) and taking them to visit Santa.  I admire their innocence and excitement.
I still feel quite empty without Eric here.  I have so many great memories of us at Christmas, setting booby traps for Santa, seeing who could stay awake the longest in hopes of catching Santa- in turn also seeing who then could wake up the earliest too. Eating all the bread at the Christmas Eve dinner because we didn't like the soup.  Trying to guess what we were getting and/or giving to people. The last few Christmas's we had with Eric he slacked on waking up early that is for sure.  Boy do Teenagers like to SLEEP!  Ha ha!   Andy and I had some great pranks we pulled on him while he slept.  I really miss having my little brother to tease.

I miss my day after Thanksgiving shopping buddy (the reason I am crazy and work at the mall every black Friday at midnight until nine am), and my shopping buddy in general.  I miss stealing his chocolate candies from his stocking( I never get enough chocolate... ha ha) and also wrapping a barbie or something girlie for him.  Don't worry I bought him cool presents too but he was so EASY to tease.  I especially love his tradition of buying "special" ornaments and hiding them on my mom's trees.  She collects Hallmark ornaments and has more than fourteen themed trees! Some years she was better at discovering them, others not so much and we all had good laughs for that! Christmas will never be the same, or any Holiday but there will always be a special place in my heart for Eric and a snowman built in his memory.  I know I will see him again and I am so grateful for my Savior for making that possible.

Isn't he funny?

Gavin has made incredible progress in Kindergarten. I could not ask for a better teacher and speech pathologist. He is even starting to read-emphasis on "starting". I am so excited for him. I am so blessed to be this amazing, not so little, boy's mommy. His love for drawing is still shocking to me, since I couldn't bribe him to color for the life of me as a toddler. I love watching him learn and far surpass all the goals we set up for him. We are truly being watched over.

*Gavin has topped his funniest sayings this month by saying,"Mommy my skin is kinda white huh, but your skin is glow-in-the-dark!"

To help with his fine motor skills I thought I should find Andy's old Nintendo DS. I thought maybe he'd understand the concept of some games and like to play. In return he'd be working on some fine motor development with out even knowing it. Let's just say he is a bit more of an addict than I anticipated. We were getting the boys ready for bed and all the sudden we were wondering where Gav was because he wasn't in bed...Enjoy!

when all else fails, bake!

I don't know why indulging on homemade goods is always my go-to, I mean I really loathe a messy kitchen as well as doing the dishes. But then you come across recipes you really HAVE to try. Well, I'm glad I did. These are so delicious!

Luscious apple rolls- like cinnamon rolls but with apples.

Go here for the recipe
http://www.littlebirdiesecrets.com and look up apple rolls
Enjoy!

more Halloween

Special goodies from Grandma. My boys are obsessed with her collection of Dept. 56 houses. Max will actually sit and watch for more than ten seconds. I didn't get a good picture of the entire display, it's so cute.

I love family fun time!
Aunt Jenny was so nice to help Gav with his pumpkin, while I helped Max create a "masterpiece"...since daddy was home sick with neck spasms-That's another adventurous story for later.

Trying to get them all to look and smile was impossible, they were too distracted! We had a great time carving pumpkins though!

A baboon, Peter Pan, Captain Hook and Tinkerbell. Andy's mask scared quite a few children-I think he was quite impressed with himself!

As trick-or-treaters came to my parents Max was eager to help pass out candy...one for you and three for Max, one for you and another handful for Max:) At least back at our house he decided to pass out treats from his own bucket if Andy or I weren't fast enough.

PS- I am so thankful for caring, awesome friends! I don't know what I would do with out you!

Halloween pic

Halloween pics first!

I know it took me a while but they were the cutest Peter Pan and Captain Hook I've ever seen. not that I'm biased:) Max came to me all worried after he excitedly got his costume on( they wore them for days before Halloween and I have lost count of how many times we watched the movie:) ) and sadly said" mommy, it's broken, can you fix it? I can't fly" It was so cute yet so sad.
* never mind the rest it's just a need to vent.
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I'm not one to share every detail of my life with the world. I love to share the good stuff, but personal things are well, personal. My boys are so entertaining, there's rarely a dull moment and I love to talk about the details of their lives. But It's to that point where I really need to vent and get it off my chest.
I'm sure you have all had times in your life where you feel like your burdens have become so heavy they will literally crush you. I seriously feel like my chest is so heavy that I will not be able to breathe. So here's the deal. I've been losing my hair like crazy, I can't sleep, yet all I want to do is sleep-ya it doesn't make sense to me either. I am extremely emotional, irritable and just a complete disaster. I've had a weird sore throat, but not really my throat...In order to load the dishwasher or vacuum my house I have to eat a brownie or candy bar, something with sugar to get even the simplest things done. I can barely drive, I'm always dizzy, always hot, always longing to just close my eyes!
After a million vials of blood drawn, more like a dozen, but still it's a lot. And who knows how many co pays, bills and Dr. visits, we have some answers, but nothing is definitive yet. I have Hyperthyroidism, but possibly hypothyroidism as well. I didn't think it was possible to have both. At least I know why I am a mess and balding at 28. But it doesn't make me feel better. After some more tests and x-rays, I'll be on some medications to hopefully get me back to what myself and husband consider normal. I didn't realize just how much I took my hair for granted. I had awesome hair. It was healthy and fairly thick, I love that it's naturally dark, I love to get it colored for variety. I love doing it all curly, it held curl so well. I love how long it is. And now....I'm afraid to wash it, to blow dry it, to curl it( well it won't curl really anymore) and my house is covered in all of my lost hair no matter how much I vacuum(shhhh I've been raiding my kids Halloween candy).
Anyone reading this probably thinks I am extremely vain... I know there are so many things to be grateful for. I am extremely blessed! I know that. I know that things could be so much worse. But at the same time, I am not myself. I feel like an alien has taken over my body. (This alien must hate long dark hair) I am more depressed than I have been in so long. I was doing really really good for so long( thanks to an excess in retail therapy, caring friends and medication). Now I feel like I can't control anything, I'm back to the old disaster I used to be. I cry over the dumbest things. It is just awful. Crying in the shower as your hair falls out by the handful is totally understandable, most everything else is pretty lame. I am really praying that I get some answers asap, that I can get the right treatment and not have further complications. I just want to be a good mom and wife. Honestly that's it...and I want my hair back. I want energy to laugh, run and play with my kids. I want to joyfully clean up spilled chocolate milk instead of lying on the kitchen floor crying over it-ya I've lost it. Stupid hormones. Anyway, here's a rant from me and here's to getting me all medicated and back to my old self.
I mean the only positive side to all of this is that I can eat as much chocolate as I want- but I kind of did that anyway and just went jogging or riding my bike after...now I don't have to sweat it off. I can no longer keep my eyes open so it's off to bed for now. Don't pity me I just wanted to stop holding in some of my frustrations. I have the most handsome adorable boys in the world, that ask everyday "mommy, are you all better yet?" and they have been super patient, extra snugly and I really want to believe that they have made an effort to be less mischievous for now.

Tracks, tires, and fun.

The weather was gorgeous Sunday so after church we went for a drive and did a mini photo shoot. The boys are obsessed with trains so we ventured to the tracks. It was so much fun.

I can't believe they held still for us. It was way more fun to walk, run and jump on the tracks and look for trains.

I can't believe how grown up my baby is.

He's such a stud!

CHEESE!

So serious, but seriously handsome at the same time.

King of the tires!

Max was beside himself with these tires. It was hilarious!

Such a sweetheart!

I am so blessed to have the sweetest, most adventurous, loving boys in the world!

The BIG 3-0

There is one day each year, as a wife I feel entitled to be as mushy as I want. This happens to be my hub's birthday! I wanted to throw a big party, or do something really crazy but all he wanted was a shotgun. Shotguns are a bit pricey and not very exciting to me. But he is the birthday MAN so I want to make his day special. If that means no fancy party and he's completely elated about getting his own gun then I'm okay with that. As long as it's stored far away from my kids:) But I wanted to write a list of thirty things that I love about him! There are far more than thirty but I have a birthday to celebrate!

1. His eyes! I love his perfectly blue eyes and the little sparkle that is almost always there.
2. His smile, seriously so contagious and genuine.
3. Sense of humor and need to tease. He is very comical and loves to tease. It's nice being around someone who's not so serious.
4. The way he plays with his sons. He is the best daddy ever and they love him so much
5. He puts family first-even if that means work comes first sometimes because in the end it's what's best for his family.
6. Hardworking- I really don't know many people that have as good of a work ethic. He is full of drive, determination, perfection and creativity.
7. His many talents. He's really good at anything he puts his mind to. Seriously! I bet if he put his mind to it he could even be a great dancer.
8. His testimony. He has a strong testimony of the Gospel and our Savior.
9. He can cook-he actually enjoys it sometimes and I do TOO!
10. His adventurous side. I would have never tried many of the outdoor things in my life if it weren't for him.
11. Trustworthy. I know I can trust him 100% that is why I've been able to try some crazier(in my opinion) adventures.
12. He loves and respects his mom.
13.He loves and respects me and is teaching our boys to do the same.
14. His computer smarty pants/nerdiness/ingeniousness
15. He is a very handyman, he's really great at fixing anything and is a "do it himself" kinda guy.
16. So he is pretty much amazing, which he would never admit. I love that too!
17. He puts up with me, that speaks volumes:)
18. His back rubs, they are the cure to any bad/or long day!
19. He has such a great personality, people really just enjoy being around him. I really don't know anyone (besides his younger brother) that don't enjoy his company.
20. The way he still thinks I'm the most beautiful woman ever, and tells me constantly. Even after knowing each other for eleven plus years, two c-sections, scars, stretch marks, aging etc.
21. He's hot! I know he's lost a bit of hair but he's still a handsome guy with gorgeous blue eyes and a great smile.
22.He is pretty competitive, I think it's cute. Especially when I happen to beat him at something.
23. He has en extreme love for gummy candy, sour gummy candy and really most any fruity sour candy anything
24. I don't want to admit this but I do like that his idea of a great night with the guys is a Smash night with his buddies-it's pretty cute. I also like the fact that he'd rather be bonding and enjoying his time with friends with Nintendo, than out doing who knows what, I can trust him.
25. He works hard to be understanding
26. The way we watch Phineas and Ferb together after the kids are in bed
27. His love for learning. He loves learning new things. He is very smart.
28. Our dorky dances we do in the car, and he's a good loser when I cream him at the radio game we like to play.
29. His sensitive side, it's not very often but he does have a little bit and it helps me feel normal seeing that I am such a softy. I know that deep down he cares a lot!
30. He can be a great listener. He puts up with a lot of my venting and has learned to help me manage my depression better than I could have asked. He is one great guy and I am so blessed that he is my eternal companion, best friend and father of my boys!

I love you Andrew Ross Macdonald! You are the greatest blessing in my life and i wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for you being by my side.

muddy muddy little buddies

As a mom of two boys I have really had to adjust and make some changes within myself. It isn't easy being a girl who hated the feeling of drying mud on her skin, or digging dirt out from underneath her manicured nails. I love to get dressed up, I love my high heels, and I am obsessed with eyeshadow and lip gloss. I was a girl who really didn't have "play clothes" just to get dirty in. I hate dirt and germs period! That's just the way I am. With very few exceptions. There were a some late nights irrigating with my dad and Eric where we got into some good mud/water fights:) But seriously, my dad is still in shock at all the yard work I have done at my house. He made fun of me when we bought it, and told Andy he better hire some help, because there's no way I would have anything to do with it.
I do like to fish and don't mind finding worms to bait my hook. I will go camping(for maybe a day, two at most) and hiking, running and other outdoor activities but I am particular about how I go about, that's all. Since becoming a mother it has been a real learning experience. Everyday I am getting better at handling dirt, bugs, sticky fingers and messy faces, sharing my food and all of that yucky goodness that comes with kids. I am learning to sit back and laugh. It hasn't been easy to adjust but I couldn't have asked for better teachers to show me how to play and have fun. I am so blessed to be their mommy and I love everything about MY boys!

I have two little boys
That means four muddy hands and four muddy feet.
Two pairs of muddy wet pants, four soaking drenched socks. Four, sometimes six, squishy, yucky dirty shoes; because sometimes I am forced to join in the fun:)
Two sweet, adorable, happy muddy faces.
And best of all, two pairs of sparkling sapphire blue eyes full of complete and total bliss, and hearing simultaneously "I lub you mommy!"
I am so blessed and I "lub" being their mommy!


*I am sure they will grow into young men, that will still love to get muddy)

Another birthday and it's hard to celebrate.

It's one of those days that you want to completely surrender to your depression and aching heart. You want to stay in bed, hide under the covers and give in. I'm torn.
On one hand I want to stay strong, I have learned to be really strong from day to day, it hasn't been easy and I'm not as strong as I want to be. I'm not always good at coping, getting out and shopping or stuffing my face with yummy fattening food and a visit with a good friend just doesn't cut it. But to completely fall apart now feels like defeat. If I succumb to today can I pick myself up again tomorrow, or the next time I crumble? I have a family to take care of, and responsibilities. On the other hand, it's good to let it out and have time to continue to grieve. Some days I just don't want to keep it together. I want to hide and just not care about ANYTHING. I want to be selfish. I want to be miserable. I want to remember WHO I lost and just how BROKEN my heart is. Some days I don't feel like hearing people say"he's in a better place, he wouldn't want you to feel this way, you have to stay strong, it will get easier" ( this one is the worst) and so many other ideas people have about loss. Loss is so entirely different for everyone. By writing I feel like I'm taking a little bit of control today and hey, I got out of bed, took Gav to school and even did a load of dishes. Now it's onto baking some birthday cupcakes to take to the cemetery. I might even shower and girly up and take the boys out for our tradition of barbecued ribs. Once you make yourself get going with the day you are somehow blessed with the strength to keep pushing forward. But just because I do it today doesn't mean I won't hide in bed all day tomorrow or some other day. I will always miss him, my life is forever changed and I'm just blessed to have had 20 years with the best little brother in the world.

The world's most contagious smile:)

Families are forever! I would be NOTHING with out my Savior and the Gospel in my life.

This picture makes me cry. It was taken inside his beloved jeep. He was so proud of it. Every time I see a jeep completely covered in mud I think of him and all the fun and adventure he brought to this life.

Happy 24th Eric! I have been telling myself since you passed away that we would celebrate your life on this day, even though you are no longer with us. I try to muster up the strength to make it a happy day but continue to fail. I miss you more than words can express. The hole in my heart is as big as ever. There's still not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, and what you are up to, what we'd be doing if you were still here with us, and just how big of a hug I would give you. I'm so blessed to be your sister and blessed to have great memories. To honor your special day we baked a tastier version of your first birthday cake. I can't wait until I get to see you again! Thank you for watching over me and especially your little nephews, they love and admire you even while you are in heaven.

Preschool time too.

The cutest preschooler ever!

Max started preschool last week. He is loving it! He loves it so much that he begs, cries and pleads with me to take him everyday. I must not be that exciting at home...or he really just loves being like his big brother. Everyday when we drop Gav off Max get's excited and then completely heartbroken when he doesn't get to go to school that day. After his first day it took two hours for him to finally take his mammoth size backpack off. I am really lucky that both my boys are so comfortable in new settings, they just trust that mom will always come back to pick them up. Maybe it's the tricks I learned and used when I taught preschool at a daycare back in the day. Anyway, I'm excited for the new adventures ahead and I'm so glad my boys like school for now. Sorry Max, but mommy isn't ready to have you gone everyday too so we're going to have to compromise.

He is still so little to me.

Kindergarten!

It is so much fun having an adventurous five year old. I can't believe my baby is in Kindergarten. He is so excited to learn and make new friends. We have been through a lot with his speech and developmental delays and I am SO amazed how far we have come. I love my Gavin, he is funny, smart, sweet and will forever be my little buddy( well I'm sure he will tower over me by a foot someday!)

Here's to growing up and going to Kindergarten! I love you Gavin!

He was so excited to get a Batman backpack this year, it's just really big. I think he could fit inside of it.

I still can't believe just how grown up he is already, but instead of crying I've been focusing on our journey through our trials and all of the progress this little man has made. I really am so blessed to be his mommy, that I realized there isn't a reason to cry.

May you share your smile, laughter and friendship with everyone!

Happy 8!

Well I know I was a tad selfish this year for our anniversary, seeing that I was in Texas with my boys and Andy was back home. But his mommy was super nice and took him in for dinner that day and made sure he didn't go hungry. Actually, Andy insisted we go to Texas because it may be a really long time before we can go again with school starting etc. So we made plans to celebrate when I got back. We had a really great weekend together:)

We started out with a delicious dinner at Ruth's Chris steakhouse. The table was covered with rose petals and a little note that said Happy Anniversary. We had a really great waiter too! The food comes out sizzling hot on a five hundred degree plate and the food is AMAZING!

The manager offered to take a picture but he didn't focus it... ha ha

It looked so pretty and tasted so good!

Eight years later and we're more in love than ever.

-We have two very incredible boys, that make life exciting, entertaining and complete!
-One of those amazing boys is now a kindergartner! They grow too fast!
-We own a really great home, that I love!
-We are working on the backyard now, I can't believe how much you appreciate things when you put the hard work, creativity and labor into your own things. It's pretty darn rewarding.
-Gavin asks everyday if it's done yet so we can get a fence and get a dog. He wants a dog so desperately he's almost convinced me that we need one too... we'll see.
-We've both discovered new hidden talents through this process of home ownership too:)
-Andy has a great job, that he loves and is putting his Bachelors degree to great work. Don't worry, he still takes amazing pictures occasionally too.

Here are eight things that I love about my husband:

-The way is blue eyes sparkle when he smiles
-His contagious smile, seriously I wouldn't be where I am with out his ability to always make me smile. Laughing together is the key to a happy marriage! Life is too short not to laugh often and enjoy the bumps in the road.
-His hard work and creativity, he always has amazing ideas and he's finally being recognized for his abilities at his new job. They have nicknamed him "The Wizard".
-This leads me to loving and appreciating his humility, he is very humble and doesn't give himself enough credit.
-His hugs, he gives the best hugs and has learned/ is learning how to support someone who battles severe depression EVERY. DAY. It isn't easy but he thinks I'm worth it and I love him for that.
-I love that he has a strong testimony and holds the Priesthood.
- He is the cutest, best dad ever! His boys love him so much and really look up to him. I couldn't ask for more.
-Most of all, he still tells me, and believes that I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He makes me feel special. I mean he doesn't always have his contacts in, and sometimes he's a little tipsy from too much cream soda but it means a lot to me.

Here's to eternity!

We look so young!

Texas!

Look! Baby Shumway is finally starting to show:) No, we did not plan our outfits but we do have a good picture of us this time around:)

The airplane!

The boys and I decided to make a trip out to Texas before school started and life got too crazy. In order to get all the fun in and not feel too rushed etc. we crashed Karin and Matt's house for two weeks.( I doubt she'll be begging us to return anytime soon and they are enjoying a little bit of quiet time now.) My boys don't know how to be quiet... they even talk in their sleep. They loved having constant companions. The boys sure had fun playing with the girls. Sienna and Gavin were instant buddies. I'm sure I gained ten pounds from eating yummy food and treats with Karin. I guess I'd do anything to make sure little baby Tanner wasn't being starved:) I mean Karin hardly has a belly.

I have the cutest sweetest boys ever!
Sienna is a great swimmer, she might be part fish! Sadie is too for that matter.
Getting ready to go swimming. The pool was beautiful and the water was perfect. I just wish my boys weren't afraid of the water...I am surprised they are afraid of something, especially Max. Too bad we didn't spend more time there to get them used to the water. It was still a lot of fun.
The bounce house! My boys got in trouble for going headfirst, and backwards down the jumbo slides...they are daring and crazy!
The lighting in there made the pictures kind of blurry.
Sienna's favorite thing to do was wrestle Gavin. It was hilarious. They would giggle for hours and it was great to see how well they got a long. She even turned him into a Prince on several occasions with her magic wand. I loved seeing how imaginative they were together!
We finally tried the Rain Forest Cafe. It was pretty cute inside but the girls were terrified. This is the only picture I got where they weren't scared. The food is nothing to brag about so I would pass if you come across the opportunity.
At the park:)
This girl could swing all day, such a cutie!
Freedom to climb and squeal as much as he wanted. Max was in heaven!

Snow cones and a birthday BBQ at a neighbors. My boys made themselves at home. I love how welcoming all of Karin's friends are. They are pretty awesome!

We grabbed some delicious donuts and spent another morning at the park.

I loved how Sadie just ate hers hands free, and only the icing. Gavin swallowed his in two bites.

This boy loves his freedom and parks give him just that.

Sweet Sadie:)

And that was our trip to Texas.

Now it's off to Kindergarten for Gav and preschool for Max! They are growing up too fast!