1 Mar

it’s the little things

Posted by boozilla in Consciousness, life and death, Talking Self Down Off Ledge. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Or, at least, they are what one deals with routinely and often show the actual fact of something. I was kind of deluding myself about this, thinking that perhaps I was “getting better” because I was able to do more “little things”. What this showed me this go round particularly was about that circle we all inhabit from time to time, attraction/repulsion/indifference. As in, we like something and become attached. We dislike and feel negative emotions. Which can then turn into indifference which is, in a way, like death. It’s also very much about fear, I think. It’s easier to say I don’t care and turn around than face what one is actually experiencing at times.

Anyhow! Here I was, having been rescued from freezing by extraordinarily kind friends who brought me wood for the wood stove. This meant I had to learn how to use it, since that was something the Partner always did. This resulted in a couple of third degree small burns and second degree burns across both palms. It also resulted in learning that I could in fact deal with the wood stove, and roast eggplant in the stove with excellent results, along with yams and potatoes and whatever else there might be. I might have gotten a sense of accomplishment- attraction. Not all bad but still in a sense a distraction: Not dealing with the thing itself but how one felt about dealing with it.

Last week marked the one year mark since the Partner passed. It was totally graveling but at least I had the sense to not schedule anything for the week so I didn’t have to be decompensating in public. There was even a sense of peace and calm at last. Which left me a bit stunned at how difficult and painful year Two showed itself to be immediately. The sense of loss, anxiety, despair- all those things came back and I was surprised somehow. Linear progress and all that, right? Good grief.

Then I realized that what it is? Is having a “new” perspective to see through. Year Two brings a different reality and view of things even if you don’t really know what you’re thinking OR feeling except that it is not something you like. First thing we do is attempt to get the dislike off the table. Then one can see that, in fact, what it is? Is the reality of what IS and what has happened settling in once and for all, no numbness or shock or blessed non-thought. Things are the same but the way one sees them has changed. Of course this is the way it is with EVERYTHING but one issue at a time. The I Ching counsels often about the pitfalls of preference and liking one thing or time period more than another. Again, step away from the circle of oh boy/oh no/who cares. Maybe this is the real point of all of it, the experience of losing pretty nearly everything. How you look at it determines a lot. It doesn’t change anything but then again- if you’re not providing constant commentary but instead observing and letting yourself be as you are in the moment, there is a possibility of going on and discovering what is out there.

Lately of course, things have been bloody godawful politically and otherwise, and the constant struggle to not devolve into hateful thinking is tiring. The constant pain in my heart and solar plexus increased in intensity and the other morning I realized it was about, precisely, the world and specifically, Iran. Just feeling what happened there made me think I was physically ill. Once again, What is to be done? We appear to be in a world overrun with evil. In the US we are certainly overrun with stupidity and a constant sense of the ground under the feet just disappearing. Replaced with violence, rapacity, and greed, top down.

I still know that love is what prevails. The Oneness of All is the truth. (Yes, even Bloviating Pustule). Taking heart from encounters out in the world where people can be reasonable and think somewhat clearly, I still am tormented by “not knowing what to do”. I am not a religious person but do believe in the power of prayer- focused thought and intention. It doesn’t seem like enough…but what would?

Having learned, a tiny bit, that keeping one’s thoughts on the NOW and the breathing focused does help get through even the gnarliest of situations, I want to feel there is hope now- even knowing as I do that no giant hand is going to come down and snatch up the current political regime here and save us all in a twinkling moment. Thinking about the tortuous process and progress of this past year, I can only think that perhaps this is what grief has to teach me, really: What Is To Be Done? Even when, and maybe especially when, you want to do nothing- hide. Go to sleep. Pretend it isn’t happening.

The kitchen is always a saving grace here, and I have made improvisational posole, kimchi, and potato/leek gratins with good success. I hope this means more than I haven’t forgotten how to cook. I hope it means that if we keep going and doing what is right, with love in our hearts, we can get through this gruesome time. One moment at a time.

Thank you for reading as always! Please take care of yourselves..and this world.

BLESSINGS AND THANKS!

13 Jan

return of the Swiss chard installation

Posted by boozilla in apocalypse now perhaps, Consciousness, life and death. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

It’s funny, really, that with all my attention to food and gardening and cooking (well, before now anyway) I still, in this time of unbelievably difficult moments and days and nights, can manage to barely eat even though I do cook and plan and all that stuff. This came to my attention this week when it finally became clear that eating three vegetable pancakes with some yogurt and chili sauce for dinner is not going to keep you going very long. One had to rather abruptly Sit Down and Stay. So, OK, we do need PROTEIN as it happens, as is found in food and various mixtures thereof. Rice plus beans, for example. Once again I am back at the very beginning, wondering if any progress will ever be made. It’s interesting at times how trauma and stress make even the basics of physical life almost undoable. Also interesting is how often that fact is so shocking to us.

HOWEVER. Some quite joyous things happened. One is that the front yard area is full of little Swiss chard starts. !!! I’d planted, long ago, seeds and had an imposing stand of chard for a few years. The Partner, as was his wont at times, pulled it out and that was that. Until this winter when there it was, springing up and reminding me that hope and beauty and Energy are always there, if we are able to raise our heads and look. I tend to be a fairly laissez-faire gardener in terms of not having flat beds and everything cleared away and all that. Seeds come up all over and it’s fine with me if there’s dill in the rose bush, essentially. The Chard gave me hope, which I hadn’t really had for a very long time. There IS purpose, there is possibility. Life can happen. Which was also revealed to me after, having feared I’d put my foot in it big time by…OMG…flirting a bit with someone who helps me at a local store, then worrying about having been irritating. (Silly bear maybe). No irritation or anything!!!! In fact, was able to see pictures of this individual’s Significant Pets which is always wonderful.

Thus bucked up I proceeded to the next errand, where I encountered a Large White MAGA Male wearing a hat that said: (#$!@^) was right about everything. Hoping my face hadn’t fallen into a frown, I smiled and insisted that he take the first shopping cart. Try something different, I said, smiling. He grinned back, thanked me, and went on his way. Given that I was wearing my t-shirt that says RESIST there were some moments of uncertainty. Things in this country are pretty awful right now and it’s hard to understand how anyone can really think any of this is acceptable. Or sleep. It really is bad. One also has to slog through the feelings of having done all this before, in the 70’s and 80’s and 90’s and on and on. One cannot be frustrated or despairing. Or afraid, which is challenging at times, especially when you’re looking at a 200+ pound male who might just decide to rid the planet of you because you’re a (#!@$) (#!^@&). Still, looking at physics one can see that it is the space in between things that keeps integrity, in an obvious oversimplification. So. This is why breathing and body work are so important..they keep your vortices whirling properly. And. If that’s happening it appears that others react/respond to that essentially positive resonance and don’t bite as a first step. Which is something.

All of this is to say that even in the midst of, the depths of, the freaking quagmire of grief and anxiety, one can still see the beauty that IS life and the hope that must be- grass is growing! sun comes up! birds sing…..My thought is this. We do create our reality in our minds and why not do it differently now, when it is so incredibly important. Not like before, thinking we know where we’re going, what we’re doing what’s going to happen. But knowing that each moment is What It IS and maybe all it is given one’s situation…why not be PRESENT. It’s a bit scary deciding to stay in the now, because then of course the future is not looming, you can’t see it. You’re busy in Tuesday after all. There’s also a way in which this helps concentration: if you’re not busy thinking about what comes next you can observe what is going on right now and perhaps get it to function properly. Everything from doing a task for the very first time to doing it again when it terrifies you. And again. There’s a soldierly quality to this in a way, too. Inner discipline can produce balance if you don’t turn into a maniac about it all.

I start every day with THANK YOU and a prayer for all. I don’t know what else to do, really, in the quiet and at times overwhelming solitude of the woods, wondering if any of us will survive this period of time. Again though: Swiss chard can survive against the odds. So can we, I like to think. Please do take care of yourselves and others!

Blessings and thanks!

15 Nov

sourdough

Posted by boozilla in life and death. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

I made a sourdough starter about thirty years ago. It’s been, I think, almost two years since I’ve baked, things being what they’ve been. Today, started again and it is just as amazing as it ever was. How I managed to pull it together to do this, no idea. I am taking it as a small sign of improvement! The way the most basic of ingredients mix together and become something…enchanting…is food for thought. As well as the body. I may even get it all baked today, even though it’s a whole new project with the limited heat in the yurt I’ve got now, which impacts the development of the dough of course. I am not a wood chopper so we’ve had to turn to other, non-electric sources of heat. Which produces a consistently variable temperature.

The itinerary of grief is interesting, especially since it seems like one is unconscious for most of the initial travel time. You don’t realize it of course, after all, you wake up, move around. But the truth is one is blown so far out of body and everything else that it takes a long time for things to join back together, if they ever do (one wonders). I think about this a lot now, in terms of all the people on earth who have suffered trauma and horror and if they’ve lived? intense grief and fear. A planet of searching souls, all of whom need love and support. At times it is the nature of what has happened to one that lingers in your field whether you know it yourself or not. That is what people react to, whether you know it yourself or not. This is what makes it hard to deal with things like PTSD, grief, trauma…..Unless someone has experienced whatever it is themselves, they often are not able to, or interested in, extending their understanding. I’ve finally come to understand that this is not necessarily a problem. The whole planet is going through a shift and movement of almost incalculable proportions and each individual is carrying a LOT. Whether they know it or not.

The big thing seems to be, now, that it is imperative to realize that in truth we ARE all one. We approach the world with our individual (or so we think) mindsets with all their likes and dislikes and where did all that come from? So that an actual immediate experience doesn’t always happen- we’re someplace else while reality unfurls itself before us. The experience of the Partner’s…Transition…was and is unlike anything else. What it has shown me though is that: When you are in that incandescent place of pain, not thinking, not emoting, just trying to breathe? You will find many loving hearts and kind souls all around. Perhaps it truly is about putting the ego aside and letting a higher level of energy work. If everyone who went through hell on earth could get to that understanding, we might be getting somewhere. Hope springs eternal of course and wouldn’t it be great? if this understanding were to become widespread among…er…world leaders and politicians?

Meanwhile I am pleased that things like sweeping the floor, and making staples like yogurt and bread, are coming back into view. It has been a long time without them and while I also know that the enormous amount extant here of work and cleaning and sorting and pondering and all the rest of it is not going to happen right now? and even though I often feel like it would be just OK if I went to sleep and didn’t wake up? I feel encouraged and like smiling when I see a clean floor….and a bowl full of rising sourdough. Plus the Dog LOVES sourdough and he can have a little bit! which I hope will make up for all the tick removal we’ve had to contend with this season. So. IT continues to be interesting, this life, where it can end completely in an instant and then go on, leading you to something different. And happy.

Blessings and thanks!!!!! Take care of yourselves.

11 Sep

a jar of olives

Posted by boozilla in apocalypse now perhaps, Consciousness, House in the Country, life and death, What things mean. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Indeed, Gentle Reader, it has been a long, long time. It’s an intense time for all, everywhere and sometimes I’ve thought that, really? Enough said, at least by me. But, no! There’s more, as it turns out.

The past several months have been, not to put too fine a point on it, awful. The Partner stepped into the next world in February and I was not really prepared for the absolute, incredible and all encompassing intensity of the pain coming with that. Other not so great things happened too and clearly? This bear had to start Paying Attention and on top of it all, learn a whole new set of skills. Alone in the middle of nowhere!

Which brings us to the jar of olives. I FINALLY got some olives, a small luxury snack! All excited, and then? I find that I cannot open the jar. Not even. Not at all. Not with tool or rubber grips or knife taps or anything. The panic that lurks underneath everything now began bubbling up. Now that I have to do all the Things He used to do, it’s a brand new world (as I tell myself). I’ve learned to change the propane tanks and manage the heater, which originally seemed like terrifying impossibilities. I have some neighbors who angelically assist me and teach me stuff. Still trying to make friends with the generator and I confess it intimidates me…However. Since the power goes off frequently it’s a fairly big deal. But we will manage and it was the jar of olives Who taught me this. Because: after an hour or so, I kept at it and after soaking the olive jar in hot water, turning it upside down and tapping it? It opened. Like magic.

The magic, of course, was persistence and paying actual attention to the task at hand and common sense. Being able to do that seemed nothing short of a miracle. Then again, never having been a mechanically oriented individual all of this is Brand New. Being able to say I can learn something here to myself is a way to restore calm and focus. So. Now I know more about opening jars. The World of Fuse Boxes (terra incognita for sure) was revealed yesterday and it really did make me think about the bigger picture of today, and always.

Which, at present, seems bloody awful. Yet falling into fear and recrimination is not useful at all. Ignoring everything doesn’t really work. What can one person do about all the suffering on this earth, in this country, in the world? How does one live with pain? and grief? The difficulties of every day life? Energy flows through everything. Everything speaks. The thing of it may well be Listening. And Looking. Paying, in essence, attention.

It totally blew me away to see how I really wasn’t doing that in life, even though of course I thought I was. Once, however, the masks of “normal” are removed and the personal small mind ego isn’t in charge, it all looks quite different. It’s both more complex and much simpler than you’d ever think in the normal way of things. The force flowing through everything can be connected with and that is what turns out to be? The way to proceed. Quiet. Contemplation. Looking at things reveals a world of stunning beauty we often miss in our haste to get things…done. Things. Done. The beauty prevails whether we heed it or not. The getting done of things does not. We lose everything we hold on to, everything we love, and this is how it is. Not punishment or any kind of luck or lack thereof. It simply IS what it IS. Our attitude toward it determines how we experience that IS.

I thought I “knew” that, of course (cue hysterical laughter) and navigating this year of learning and change has shown me that, really? The energy of life can be connected with in the heart. That will show the way, whether it means staying still or moving in a direction. Realizing that one has to make peace with the presence of grief and pain in one’s life for an unknown length of time- not wallowing or ignoring but experiencing the time and place and experience as it IS, not as we may think it is or want it to be? Is key. This also applies to life in the world. Even though the actions of a few in positions of power make it look like we’re going to hell in a flaming hand basket? I believe more than ever that if we all focus on listening to what the other person is saying, coming from our true heart, and looking at what a common sense solution to the presenting issue might be…we can effect a much needed shift and all breathe. All of us! This is what matters.

As I am looking at all the pieces of life waiting to be put in a bit more order, I think about all of this. The solitude is Interesting. There are dust and dog hair hippopotami everywhere in the yurt, growing daily, and, of course, the Dog who needs a lot of love and snuggles now. I have to take him with me everywhere, just one new thing of many, and he goes out into the world and makes people smile and laugh. They may look at him at first and think, oh, big dog, is that a Pibble? But he smiles and licks their hands….getting a tire repaired recently saw him rushing through the legs of every man in reach and guarding their sixes. The laughter was wonderful. Ultimately it may be our kindness to each other and everything (which includes rocks, air, water, soil, animals, clouds….) that means everything. I’m giving it my best shot. We really must not give up.

Blessings and thanks!

6 Sep

life in the no fly zone

Posted by boozilla in apocalypse now perhaps, Consciousness, House in the Country, Just Stop it, life and death. Tagged: , , .

There have been many interesting things to observe of late, Gentle Reader. Just when things seem to begin to make sense, another vista opens up and yes, there’s more. Sense is a few steps farther away.

It may just be that after all this time my brain is able to parse what’s going on around it- after quivering like a jelly for months in recoil from what it was observing. Meditation has of course been a foundation and even though there is a fair amount of time spent in, oh wait a minute! That’s attachment or ill will or dammit how many breaths was it? there still has been some awareness dawning.

I realized at long last that given the history of this country, of western civilization in general, there’s no way around seeing the flaw at the heart of all of it. The inequity and cruelty we see all around us is not going away and until we all wake up a bit more we’re stuck in this roundelay of crap. The question is, beyond cleaning up one’s own act, as always, what is to be done?

I had three experiences back to back illustrating this, and amazingly enough I didn’t have images of myself smashing the other people’s craniums with a ball peen hammer. Progress!

I read something in an old book that said, Hostility does not need a response, and Be hard on the problem, not the person. So, in the midst of a harried day of errands I found myself in a farm supply store, talking to the salesperson about what I was looking for which they did not appear to have. In the middle of all this concerted conversation, a man (White and maskless) steps up in between the store employee and me (both masked, we’re going back into an ugly Covid tier here as we speak) and says, I need something for “x”. Proceeded to talk so no one could interject anything. Took a few minutes of time, which I was running short of. At long last he looked at me and said to the salesperson, Oh, she was here first and you were helping her, go ahead. I couldn’t help but laugh, and said, oh! you noticed! It dawned on me right there and then that this man was really completely unaware of what he was doing in the situation, how he was barging in and behaving as if nobody else had any business or concern that even mattered, and how what we had there was a text book case of White Patriarchal Privilege. It simply never occurred to him to question his assumption that HE and HIS WISHES were the only important thing. The employee was only there to serve him, and I was beneath notice. It didn’t even make me mad at long last, but it made me wonder just how this basic attitude can be addressed. You can attach any -ist or -ism to this behavior, like sexist, racist, on and on. It’s a bulwark of this society whether anyone wants to accept that or not. This person had no ill will or anything of the sort, but was operating on the set of instructions he’d been given. The sales person was tensing up a bit and I said, oh please. Go ahead, even though it really isn’t your turn. I’ll wait. He actually blushed a bit. I decided to count that as a successful interlude and thus armed went on to Number Two.

Number Two was a bit more menacing, given that it involved yet another….Man of a Certain Sort, who decided that he wanted to get gas at the pump he could, in fact, clearly see me driving into, almost completely, even though all the others were free. So he? guns his car and pulls forward quickly, almost running into me. (We might note that for both these interludes I was wearing my favorite 20th century Big Dogs t-shirt, with a St. Bernard in sunglasses bearing the words: BAD TO THE BONE. Just saying….) I stopped short of the final spot, honked my horn lightly to get him to actually make eye contact, which took a while. Pointed to myself, pointed to the gas pump, held up one finger (index, relax!) to indicate my spot in “line”, and just smiled a bit and kept looking at him. Thinking, do not ascribe motive here. Or pass judgment on this poor person’s IQ. Just pray that no one else in this crazy rodeo of a parking lot runs into you. He finally looked at me, with a rather dazed expression I couldn’t interpret, and backed up into his proper gas pump spot. Kindness is always better, even if it is mostly more difficult to maintain. Once you actually have to go outside, I mean. Feeling as though I had finally gotten past a sticking point of taking this a$$#0!ish behavior as anything other than a sort of mass, historical brainwashing and thus fortified to keep being kind while taking no shit, we got to this morning.

Hey! it’s a “holiday”/shopping opportunity today here. “Labor Day” which, when you think about it now, is kind of laughable. Especially since employers are now ranting about how people “don’t want to work anymore, unemployment is too easy.” Uhm, no. It’s that they no longer are willing to knock themselves out every day for a wage that they cannot support themselves on. But I digress. We were awoken shortly after the sun rose by gunfire, large caliber it sounded like, that went on for over an hour. Forgive me, Gentle Reader, when I say this is not OK. The fire danger right here right now is so intense that coughing wrong could cause a disaster. Hours of gunfire, random and constant, poses a real threat of conflagration. In addition, being awoken from sleep by prolonged rounds of gunfire is really not good for anybody. I found myself thinking about everyone on the planet who is being subjected to this, and so much worse.. As a result, with my newfound brave new attitude, a haze of exhaustion, and genuine curiosity I hazarded a post on the, yes, HOMEOWNER’S ASSOCIATION facebook page, asking if anyone knew what all that was.

What I got was a response that said, we live in the country, people can do what they want. And, it’s dove season. I was already a bit stressed by my bank being inaccessible due to some sort of web crash, to be honest. That didn’t stop me from considering the following: A) There’s a sign at the entry way to this travesty of a development that says NO HUNTING. PRIVATE PROPERTY. B) The person who responded that “we live in the country” has a big sign on the road in front of her house that says RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD. This is about a half mile from us. C) We pay homeowner association dues as well, so if we’re in the country, what in the hell are those for? Also, doves as you may know are small birds. This sounded like AR fire (incredibly I can differentiate now, fun in the boonies). A corollary C1 might also be that there are many people in this whateveritis neighborhood who cannot, legally, bear arms or purchase ammunition. Ankle bracelets and all.

All this left me with a choice to make. I went back to the facebook page and said, yes, we’ve been here a long time too but the fire danger this year should be everyone’s primary consideration, keeping everyone up here safe and intact. ( I did not mention that it isn’t exactly hunting to blow a small bird to smithereens with an automatic weapon.) This entry got me two likes, which bucked me up enough to realize that my New Moon resolution was to at long last, while doing no harm, in fact take no shit. We’ll see how this goes.

It has just been strange lately to experience simultaneously a LOVE for ALL, and realize that there are individuals out there who seem impervious to love. SO. I decided to put that awareness on the back burner, it is what it is, none of us really knows what anyone else is feeling or thinking, much less what WE may be feeling or thinking….. and the task still is to go forth with openness and (at least an attempt at ) kindness. I think it’s working since so far nobody has shot at me!

Blessings and thanks, and please take care! Wear your masks, too. (The nonogenarian Betty White remarked at the beginning of all this that she had no patience with people saying masks were hot or uncomfortable. Try wearing a bra in August! she said. I do love her…..)

20 Jul

heat

Posted by boozilla in Blather, Consciousness, Life Now. Tagged: , , .

Or, perhaps, the flogging will continue until morale improves. It has been over 100 degrees fahrenheit every day for a solid month. Too hot for bees, even, so I have some anxiety about the fate of the garden this year. Anyway. After all the other fun and frivolity of the last several months, the heat and the, of course, HUGE fires have people walking around here like literal zombies. A quick survey of media will remind one, however, that the entire planet is engulfed in this sort of beyond challenging situation and it can be hard to know what to do in any way, shape, or form.

It’s been quite the endeavor, as we all know, to keep a minimal level of sanity not to mention engagement. Nothing is working, in terms of daily activities, the way one had become accustomed to. Let’s just say. I was intrigued, for example, to find out that in addition to potatoes and chardonnay, there are also no Rolaids to be found hereabouts. I did find a quite splendid ten inch tall silver colored elephant watering can, though.

HOWEVER. We’re not here to discuss Rolaids or watering cans, Gentle Reader. It’s more about how in the depths of all of this shift and disruption and sorrow and unknowing and yes, fear, we can still find a working pole star. I was beginning to wonder, myself.

It seems odd that we have to go all the way, sometimes, into pain and Incredibly Poor Repetitive Decisions before the light dawns. (Especially if you think you’ve already done that…..) In dealing with that pain, it is possible (after what can seem like armed struggle) to get to a place where the pain itself moves into second place in one’s awareness. Then, if you can ride that wave a minute, you get to a place where you see that what you THINK about the pain or whatever it is has a lot to do with your experience of it. Moving right along, you see that what you THINK was most often taught to you in your early life- so you may think/believe/whateveritis things without even knowing why, or that you do think those things. Then, the fact that the body itself is tense and hard and maybe even twitching around gets you to base camp, in a sense. You can, in fact, breathe THROUGH this pain. Keep breathing. Put the thinking down, leave your opinions way behind (especially if they are about you or anyone in your immediate vicinity), and then…..it’s quiet. Open. There’s light for a moment and that allows for perspective. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Then the exciting part starts, when all the room the old opinions and fears and attitudes took gets freed up a bit? new things appear. You don’t have to be afraid, really. We’re here to learn and try to enjoy as much as possible. Turns out enjoyment really springs from love. Love is the answer to whatever may be bugging you, and the thing of it is to learn more about love. What IS the loving thing to do in a given situation? Usually it involves at least a tiny bit of You realizing the Other is YOU, too, and You are Other and the real answer to daily problems and struggles is to work on the solution, not on rehashing or blaming or any of the other things we all so often fall back on. Which involves love and breathing which get you to action, which we or at least I often seemed to think was in starting place. But it starts with love.

Which is not to say that I love Bloviating Pustule (long may he stay away), or the guy who called me a nasty name when, after he asked me, I expressed a positive opinion about June 19 being a national holiday in the U.S. Uhm, no. Not even. I’m still disgusted with what the country I live in has done through the years of its existence, I don’t like it and I work as much as possible to change things and provide whatever redress there might be for all those who….well. Were treated with such cruel inhumanity it’s hard to know what would balance things. I include rivers in this category too.

I have realized, though, that when I ground myself and proceed with the idea that we ARE all one, it is easier to deal with the flashpoints of reactivity and rage and poor driving. It’s a fire not to be fed by getting sucked into it. It’s more a situation of allowing space instead of anger and blame, and it turns out you can too figure out how to ask someone who’s yelling at you, calmly, what it’s all about. If the situation doesn’t involve someone having a psychotic break or drug derangement, it changes things somehow when someone slows down and speaks, and it is my feeling, not to mention enormous hope, that more and more of all of us are going out doing exactly that. Respect can always be present and that is important. There’s a change, and it is, however it may look now, I think a positive one. The old ways of dominion and power and duality are moving away, and it really is up to all of us to remember that we ARE moving toward a better reality, one based on proper interaction of all energies from the smallest speck of cosmic dust to the smile of a dog. One moment at a time.

Blessings and thanks. Take care of yourselves!

17 May

reckoning

Posted by boozilla in Blather, Consciousness.

It used to seem so much easier to write, Gentle Reader. Thoughts presented themselves, seemed to have some coherence, and off we went. Now, it’s a whole different ballgame, at least for me. I swing between thinking this long period of silence and staying at home is a good reorganization and recuperation period, and thinking I am not doing nearly enough to be of assistance to all my relations.

The all my relations part of this is pretty important. Among the many thoughts that have wafted through my non spring chicken cranium of late is this: The reason people have such a hard time articulating anything about racism, and I’d say everyone but especially people of, shall we say? non-color, is that it is an installed part of the thought form of this culture. It isn’t a separate “thing” that people come upon in the course of their lives and decide to adopt. It’s part of the infrastructure of life for many, not separate from any other part of their existence or idea of what is. It’s like gravity, there but unexamined. It grows from that non-relational attitude toward everything, at least that’s what I think. The western cultural approach is that everything is of lesser importance than the wishes and imperatives of a few individuals and their possessions both current and future. So if you, as a preexisting inhabitant of a continent that gets landed upon by western culture (or maybe you ARE that continent), are in the path of all that, you will be in Big Trouble. Review western history for more information. Also, the wonderful quote from Gandhi, when he was asked his opinion of western culture. He said: “It’s a good idea”. Yes. It seemed that way, anyhow.

Thoughts and thought forms can be transcended and resolved. Everything is energy. Energy moves. Electrical current moves water, for example, and magnetic energy moves…well, everything. The hardest thing to change often seems to be the one thing we really can: ourselves. It seems, then, that if we can manage the use of our own energies, we can have an impact on the energies around us. We’ve seen,and still are seeing, full bore no expenses spared, the results of what deranged energy can do to all of us. It seems like now is a good time to focus ourselves on what IS- which is that ever present energetic world and universe of which we are part. We are all related and it is imperative that we realize that and act accordingly.

Here at the Yurt HQ, we’ve had the usual stuff all this time. Helicopter flyovers at all hours. Gunfire periodically. A spectacular Spring has become the lion colored tawny stuff that gets brown and covers everything til you think you may have forgotten about Green. We had the first fire in the neighborhood the other night, and while I am THANKFUL that we are close (all relative out here but still…) to a fire station, I was surprised at how my anxiety went through the top of my skull at the first chopper sounds. We went outside and saw the water carrier underneath and that was enough. Fortunately it got put out quickly (LOVE FIREFIGHTERS.) to be followed almost instantly by a huge lightning and thunderstorm, with winds pushing the smoke from the fire in front of storm clouds toward the coast. No rain, of course. Just another day. But, with some important practice elements. Fear is something we all experience but it is also something we can all deal with and move through. I didn’t always know this, but I guess the first time you dissolve into a quivering puddle of yuck under whatever Monster lives in your area, decide to breathe through the tears and hold steady, something does happen. You get stronger, and fear isn’t attached to every single thing. It’s hard to stay dread free in the face of rocket fire when all you’ve got is…flowers, but it’s important. What we think can affect our world, no matter how far out of it we think we are. I’m sticking with that.

Meanwhile, let us all remember to take care of ourselves and each other. We’re in a situation which, whatever you think about it, involves the whole world. Pandemics are real, we’re in one, and pretending otherwise serves noone. I don’t trust western medicine much farther than I can throw it, but that doesn’t change basic reality. Vaccines have effectiveness against disease, and have had for centuries. People wear masks because they work . The underpinning of all of that stuff is largely energetic and about the whole system that is in motion and creating itself all the time (physics, friends). It’s not all about YOU, personally. To imagine that doing things that protect other people infringe upon your rights is….unproductive at least. Here’s to getting all of our heads and hearts out of the paper bag so we can think and feel and behave responsibly, and love one another instead of being afraid.

Blessings and thanks!

12 Apr

where we find ourselves

Posted by boozilla in House in the Country, Life Now. Tagged: .

Well, Gentle Reader, it has been yet again a long minute. Deciding to dispense with the concept of “time” for a while, it was possible to come to terms with the way WEEKS seem to go by in a day and DAYS seem like years at times. Practice stretching the legs moves on to practicing actually talking to someone so we are, in fact, moving right along, wiggling those body parts that seemed to have been relegated to inactivity.

It’s still quite scary here in this country, and you can pick just about any topic- they’ll all give you the chills. Then again you have to realize that we’re in a life and death struggle to let what IS real be the operating dynamic, not what someone wants to tell you is real for their own personal benefit. (Or, in other words, to stop at long last pretending and re-writing history.) Not everyone will be pleased with that at the beginning, as we can see. Many will deny til the last possibility is exhausted that any of what has happened, happened. Ever. And, if you don’t mind? we’ll just completely skip any discussion of epidemiology or public health or common sense. Thank you.

On the other hand, since we are fortunate enough to live in a literal middle of nowhere, the ability to go outside and see what was a fabulous spring, even if it’s already starting to end, was a revelation. All of a sudden the whole world around us was a vibrating, resonant, spectacular GREEN. The oak trees around us leafed out almost all at once and it was like nothing either of us has ever seen before. The wild flowers were also spectacular, if fewer in number. Some never appeared at all, at least so far, like Pretty Face and Mariposa Lily. The California Poppies, on the other hand, were practically flourescent. It has been like they’ve ALL been speaking, and I found what they said to be moving, unsettling, and comforting all at once. The roses in our garden have started blooming in profusion and they also join this…hum. It sounded to me as though the flowers were saying they are protecting this earth, manifesting the energy and light and life we all share, rising to express life itself and the undying nature of a leaf, a bloom, a rose bud, a lamb or a calf, and us- if we can rise to the occasion. There’s an energy moving through things, and this past year may have been more like an unintentional hair on fire this time for SURE meditation bootcamp than we thought, but…..there is a whole different discourse going on now, throughout everything, and it’s both exhilarating and terrifying to take this journey into true Listening, which leads to actual Hearing (wow!) and then to the next skill set of Not Doing Anything Just To Do “Something”. Massive reboot, kids. The more joy we can meet this with, the better off we’ll be, of course. Blessings and thanks, as always!

15 Feb

following the strange changes

Posted by boozilla in Blather.

So, I know it’s been a long time Gentle Reader. In the interim, the Editor here has become even more Byzantine or it may just be that my toleration for anything whatsoever has shrunk to an unseeable speck. Maybe.

Also, of course, the Dog is staring deep into my shoulder as I attempt to type, with his usual message of FEED ME! TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME! which will, of course, have to be done.

It has come to my attention though, that on top of all the rest of the joy we’re all experiencing on the planet now, I myself have been undergoing a massive re-build. After the election in November, slump isn’t even the word. I’d been working too hard for too long and the stress of the whole thing finally just came and sat on me and said: Sit. Stay. The Dog can do it, so can you. Choosing as usual to ignore the warnings (couldn’t hold on to anything, anxiety that obviated the necessity for even panic attacks) I carried on until the body finally said, OK. Basta YA. And it has now been two and a half months of actual total change. Everything was up for review and with the help of the loyal and stout Partner and Dog, it appears that Shift has Happened.

I’m still not up to working at the pace of yore but what this all showed me was that, in addition to the huge cosmic shifts we all are experiencing, the big thing was that I was disregarding my requirements in favor of those of others. I allowed the Stuff of the World to crash into my head and control my emotions for a while…which, in days like these, is a total non-starter. Confronted once and for all with the way things not only are, but have been, seeing the truth and fully accepting it…not the most fun ever. But important because of course, we have Work to do . It’s hard to say just what is going on now on our small planet, except that it does not look good from any honest perspective. Change has to occur, and not everyone seems to be onboard even with the minimum requirements for decent human beingness. The good news for me is that at long last, the fear of Large Belligerents has gone. Not that THEY are gone, but somehow even as they feel empowered I feel their lack of substance. Also the fear of what others will think, or what they think about my work or what I do (usually expressed as “that s&^! doesn’t work”, to which I respond now, then toddle along dearie!). The bigger questions of what to do about it all, what is to be done….seem to be most clearly responded to now by one moment at a time, one day, one task, one deep breath at a time. Turns out you don’t always have to say anything, but you DO have to walk your (previous and to come) talk. Nothing is the way it appeared to be, nor will it be. Change is now, and the more we can all operate from our Heart and what is basically good for all (which, let’s face it, is not exactly fricking rocket science) the better chance we have of success. The big thing, and the hard thing, is changing our habits. Ask me how I know…..

It has seemed overwhelming and undoable for a while and certainly the horizon is uncertain. Despair doesn’t get you very far and the fact is, beauty still exists and we walk in it if we can but realize it. That in itself may be the change we need. Hard as it is to hold that awareness when you look at what’s going on all around you, still it is important. ( How to get people to stop the things that they’re doing without putting a spell on them? is a good question.) Observation may be key there, because the truth and the information ARE out there and available- you just have to be quiet and listen (definitely up hill for some of us) because the truth is always expressed. There is now, from among the hundreds on the hills by us, ONE Manzanita tree blooming, and it is covered with bees. The song of their hum is breathtaking, and as the Dog and I stood there looking (he trying to decide just which branch he’d run by and snatch a flower snack off) I remembered the wonderful perfume in the air every year when these trees bloom and I thought: THERE is the reality. If we remember to BE, things oddly do fall into place and things do work out and what is to be done is at least somewhere visible. This allowed me to go inside and make a needed practical phone call to someone who, at our last meeting, had said to me, the only good Democrat is a dead democrat. This time, the person was polite and we discussed matters of disagreement calmly and arrived at a resolution. There’s always hope, and giving up is not much of an option anyway.

Blessings and thanks as always!!!!! take care, take heart and remember no matter how it looks? we are all in this together. Admittedly I have watched Too Much News of late, now that even a speck is overboard. I am dismayed and, really, sickened by what has paraded in front of all of us for the past….years and weeks. But one cannot concentrate on the hole all the time, right? You miss the whole that way! So even if I am, in my mind, thinking about how to set up a speaker to blast out, variously, pow wow music and San Quentin Imams calling inmates to prayer in response to our neighbor’s loud and hours long terrible bass lines celebration of Saturday’s “verdict”, I don’t do it. Right now that seems like progress even if it also seems like one does the same thing over and over in terms of reminding self that there IS a higher love and way…maybe that’s the one foot in front of the other part….Meanwhile….. Out to the Manzanita.

15 Jan

just write

Posted by boozilla in Uncategorized. Tagged: , .

Well, Gentle Reader. OMG, WTF, and really, just WHY?????? It’s been weeks since I have been able to put paw to keyboard, partly because it’s all Enough Already and I just want to Lie Down, and partly because of the huge amount of Work it has been to stay equilibrated through all this, yes, crap. Words don’t come easily.

On one hand, the quarantine hasn’t changed our DAILY life since we’re out in the middle of nowhere and see no one for the most part. Now? I think I’d be happy living even farther out. But on the other hand, as the designated person to go “into enemy territory” aka grocery shopping, as the Partner puts it, the whole scene has gotten to the point where one can almost not bear it at all. It’s been a long time since going out around here didn’t mean being exposed to verbal assault and innumerable germs and pathogens from maskless sputum spraying individuals, and what with the events of the recent several weeks it’s all turning into a no fly zone before one’s very eyes. It’s so awful for the most part that I couldn’t even be as happy about the person who said to me last year “the only good Democrat is a dead Democrat” now saying, “Well, (it) shot himself in the foot, for sure.” One day recently was an apex, wherein I found myself in that apparent epicenter of wack, the post office, backed up against a wall of mailboxes by three LARGE no mask people, all screaming at me that they weren’t sheeple and didn’t do what they were told and were rebels and no damn way were they wearing a mask. This was because I’d indicated where the line ended for the service counter, standing there in my little pink mask with bees on it. Then there was some jerk in a pickup who couldn’t understand why I didn’t drive into traffic on a red light to get away from an ambulance- behind HIM. Fortunately the ambulance driver was alert and yelled at this guy on his siren/megaphone thingy. Flatbed trucks drive around blaring unintelligible “music” with posters of #45 saying God will punish those who didn’t vote for him. NOT EVEN KIDDING. I had pondered writing the County Sheriff, which is what passes for “law enforcement” in this weird little town that spans two counties, asking what plans they had to enforce mask wearing in public places. But then? I went to the Sheriff’s website where I saw the following information. Not only are they not coming out for “calls” of any sort unless there’s an ocean of blood, they are also not wearing masks themselves…because? Some of the officers got claustrophobic. Not even kidding.

ON the other hand, of course, there is REALITY. Which in my opinion, is Nature and Life. We saw an expanse of oak trees the other day and saw that tell-tale hint of pink haze floating above them- the new leaf buds. Spring! Long walks with the Dog where we wind up just standing still in a meadow, watching all the life and energy around us. It’s breathtaking and a reminder that all this…quotidian stuff, as awful as it is (and it IS awful) is not really…REAL. It’s the thought forms, energies, attitudes, of some individuals and groups and even institutions, who are for some reason flying in the face of the immutable and trying to assert their puny little impulses of greed and power over and selfishness and hatefulness. It is to be risen above, of course, holding to Unity and the knowledge that even the most craptastic individual in these incidents is in pain and non-comprehension, and staying calm and neutral is almost the only rational response. We have varying degrees of success with this Project, let’s just say. The mask really helps in this endeavor, covering the mouth as it does and obscuring the periodic laughs of astonishment. (At things like, you’re going to HELL! and I’m thinking, Jeez, aren’t we already there? or, I’m not stupid you know, and I’m thinking, GOD. What a RELIEF).

Anyway, weird as it is, we are all in this together. For our part, we’re looking forward to the next garden, the fig pizzas and grape sherbet, cucumbers and beans, the peace that comes from doing what needs to be done on the most basic and essential levels. It’s interesting to see how much you get done when you’re not “doing it”. The Partner has been culling dead trees this winter and the land itself looks almost like it’s stretching and saying, thanks! this is a LOT better! The Dog minds about 96% of the time which shocks me, always. Until he looks at me and as much as says, I’m humoring you now, don’t let it go to your head. It’s hard to get things accomplished in terms of the worldly tasks (among which I count vacuuming) but then again, pushing against the river never gets you very far. Reading the Dalai Lama is much more effective, it turns out. I still have an apparently indomitable sense that all will be well and it always is, anyway. It’s a lot in how you look at it, as we all know. So: hugs and kisses, smiles and deep breaths. Blessings and thanks!

« Older Entries
Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started