من یک آدمخوار هستم

It’s been a while, But I was not standing still, I’ve grown up more than what I could possibly foresee,  I made decisions and now I am living in north America. but every decision comes with a price. a price tag that I could not see clearly from that distance. As I was too busy adapting to my new home I couldn’t realize how big of a decision I’ve just made.As an independent adult, I thought that I have to make this decision now while I am still young, because when you are young you get the chance to get away with bad decisions as you have time to clean up after your messes. So I took my chances and decided to immigrate to a new country and start a new life. Little did I know that this was way more than that.

While I was about to make up my mind about immigration, as I knew I have changed drastically through the years we were apart, I was having my doubts because I was going to immigrate as my ex-boyfriend’s spouse. sure I was having my doubts, so I wrote to him that I don’t know what I must do as I could see the possibility of breaking up. he replied that we are adults and if we find out that we can’t work it out, we would break up. so I packed my bags and said goodbye to everyone and left just like that. I left everything behind, a secure job, my family, my friends, my lover. It happened so fast that I didn’t have enough time to analyze it. I’ve been here for more than 100 days and I found out it was way more than what I suspected. as I started thinking deeper and deeper I realized that I am beginning to discover who I really am…

It’s not him, It’s me. He is absolutely the same person, But I have changed drastically. I have a gut feeling that It won’t work out this time. No matter how generous he is, or how kind he has been to me, he is not my missing puzzle piece. I have to tell him somehow, I must tell him that I won’t stick around, But I don’t know how?! I am just happy that I’ve told him before that this day might come someday.

It’s been a while since the last time we see each other, It’s a fading Image… like an old picture with a heavy layer of dust covering it’s frame…

We could pick up the handkerchief and clean the dust… But we didn’t, actually we couldn’t… what we did instead? we went on and replaced it with a new picture with a shiny frame on the display. Now the only thing we can do is to pack the old picture,put it in a box like other things we no longer need and put it  in a place where this dirty, unlikable picture no longer bother us…

In time, we forgot that we did so many sacrifices for this picture, we fix the frame when it was broken in pieces, we glued every little piece and we replaced the glass, we fixed it so well that it was way better than the first day…Now the time has passed and we are living so far away from each-other and we have our own brand new pictures to put it on the display. our once precocious picture is doomed.

I ain’t gonna blame him entirely for this, But when I see him showing off his brand new love everywhere, I no longer see why we should fight for our long lost love.I removed him from everywhere so it no longer bother me. but It is no good, I still think about him. I have nightmares at night, he should have been more careful, but he rather show off what he has, instead of keeping it low key, for my sake.

I am waiting for the answer from embassy, but I have no idea what I am going to do if they give me a Visa, cause I am giving up for our future, when I see him this happy with his new love.I will simply wait to see what will gonna happen, but meanwhile I don’t wanna hear a thing about him, cause I know every time I see him with his new love, I lose my hope more and more, I am shutting him out cause he is not careful, cause he doesn’t see what is doing to me, cause he doesn’t see what it is doing to us… to our future…

 I am going to be 24 in a week, I’ve always wondered how being 24 feels like, I think now I must know. I am a 24 years old homosexual man living in Iran, trying my best to experience everything while I am young and I still have this enthusiasm.

I’ve came a long way, I been through a lot like everyone else, but in my own unique way. I can feel that I am a grown up, I am no longer a clueless child wandering around. I have responsibilities. but the funny part is, I feel much older than I should feel like. this is not a bad thing in general, but it is a fucked up thing when I can not relate to my peer.

I’ve been dating a nice guy lately, he is younger than me, I love spending time with him. But I took a back when I realized how fragile he is, I thought of him as me when I were his age, so I expected certain things from him, but knowing the fact that he is incapable of reacting rationally in certain situations, disappoints me big time. after I thought about it deeply, I found out that I must take it easier, It ain’t fair to expect so much from him when he has so much going on in his life. so I am making my peace with it.

I must learn how to relate to my own peers, cause the more I age It gets harder for me to adapt, so like every other time, there is no one to blame but myself.

It is indeed another sign of me growing up

Managing a long distance relationship ain’t easy, it takes effort from both parties, and it takes patience and sensibility and more importantly, it needs a mutual goal that makes all of these hardships worthwhile.

I’ve always thought I have what it takes to fight for our relationship as long as I see my partner is trying his best to keep it alive, but somehow it didn’t turned out like I’d planned. there are numerous factors that are capable of affecting this process. but I always thought sensibility and optimism can make a great difference, till I found out I was fooling myself.

Long story short, something happened… I always thought, He is strong enough and smart enough to choose wisely,but little did I know he is much more fragile and defenseless than he seems. I am not that angry that the “thing” happened, but I am disappointed that he is not smart enough to deal with it rationally, so I start  to doubt the fundamentals of our relationship and the great goal we are trying to reach, which is spending our lives and future together. which requires some basic factors, one of them is putting logic and reasoning ahead of acting and speaking.

I knew he was not good at it, But I thought  he would come around eventually and would start working on his flaw. But it was foolish of me to expect that. his personality was formed over the past 30 years and he is not changing it, because it is what defines him.

So I am hurt, and I know it will pass in time, but will he realize that “the incident” in particular didn’t hurt me so much that I question our relationship, but it was the way he handled it made me realize he is not the person to build a future with.

Maybe I am over reacting, maybe not! maybe I should have realized it sooner. I don’t know, It all depends on how he will try to change himself in time.

But all of these made me realize that we all walk on the edge of each others trust  and it is so easy to lose the valuable earned trust of others.

I am waiting to see the signs that he is still the person to build a future with. but I am leaning towards the opposite which is letting him go. and I am starting to believe It ain’t going to work…

I am heading home in 10 days     

It was just like a peaceful nap after a long hard day of work, But It is time for me to Wake up. It was a break out from the harsh reality I was dealing with for almost 6 months. But it is time for me to head back home

Home… Is it really home? I always thought home was, where you feel most comfortably… so here is the awkward moment that I don’t feel like I am heading home anymore, it is more feels like I am leaving home

I am lonely, I am sad and lonely, and there is no one to blame but myself. I should have tried harder to become strong, I should have turned into an emotionless robot. I should have… because I can not survive unless I adapt to this cruel world. but I didn’t! I was hoping everything will eventually work out… Silly me, little did I know that the world had already fucked me up in the ass! It won’t get any easier to survive by standing still and doing absolutely nothing.

Anyway, I was foolish, so here I am nagging about leaving this “almost pleasant” environment to my old habitat where I used to call home. But this time I MUST learn to adapt

I wish I could chose my own life without hurting any of my loved ones, But I can’t… so I am heading “Home”