As your retirement has approached I’ve been reflecting on the things you have taught me throughout your various careers- as mom, as Yamaha teacher, as worship leader. 

You taught me that being a good mom looks a million different ways. 

You taught me that I could be anything I wanted to be as long as the Lord was directing it. Even though you didn’t become a can can dancer or president of the United States (at least not yet), you have done amazing things. 

You ran a business you were passionate about. And when it was time to bring that business to an end, without knowing what would be next, you followed God’s call. And in His sovereign timing we saw what was next. 

You took on a role leading worship. You immersed yourself in learning what it meant to bring people into the throne room of Jesus. You became the first woman worship leader in Cole’s history. You learned guitar at age 50. 

You taught me that it’s never too late to learn something new- whether it’s a musical instrument, or a sport, or a career. 

You taught me that passion and calling can intersect into something amazing. 

You taught me that following God’s call on your life comes at a cost, not void of pain. Pastoral work cost you relationships. It cost you time. It cost you 20 years of weekends. But you taught me that perseverance and obedience to His call come with great rewards and joy. 

You taught me the value of hard work. But you have also taught me that the hard work begins in quiet, over the Psalms, with a latte and a bowl of oatmeal. 

You taught me that investing in yourself and your marriage made you a better mom. 

You are retiring from a job. However, you are not retiring from your main vocation- being a worshipper of Jesus. A friend and servant to his people. One who points others to the glory of God. And just like days before, in God’s sovereign timing we will see what comes next. What I do know is that I am not done learning from you. And you are not done teaching.

It appeared that I had chosen a different route as a mom. Quitting a career to stay home with babies was not the path you took. But I could take that path because my mom said I could be anything and I knew I could do what God called me to. But it turns out the apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree. Industrious and creative women raise industrious and creative women. I have started and grown my own business because 1. I have a clear call from the Lord on my life. 2. I have an empowering husband who says “Go For It!” And 3. I have had the example of a mother who modeled industriousness and creativity in her life- both personally and professionally. And I look forward to seeing the legacy continue in my own industrious and creative little women.

With all the tenderness, sensitivity, and femininity of a woman you have showed me a way forward. 

With all the independence, drive, and leadership of a woman you have showed me a way forward. 

I am honored to be your daughter. Proud to call you Mom. 

In September 1999, a year after you were hired and right before I left for my freshman year of college, we sang “I Will Run to You” together on a Sunday morning. For me, that song always marked the beginning of a new era and a new adventure filled with unknowns. It also marked for me His provision. I share the lyrics with you now as the mark of a new era and a new adventure.

Your eye is on the sparrow

And Your hand, it comforts me

From the ends of the earth to the depth of my heart

Let your mercy and strength be seen 

You call me to Your purpose

As angels understand

For your glory, may you draw all men

As your love and grace demand

And I will run to you

To your words of truth

Not by might, not by power

But by the spirit of God

Yes, I will run the race

’Til I see Your face

Oh let me live in the glory of Your grace

Mom, may you continue to run the race- not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of God. 

~Gracie

I’ll be honest, 2017 was a hard year for me for a lot of reasons. If I had to describe the year in one word it would be “angsty”. I’m hopeful that 2018 is different and less angsty, though I’m realistic enough to know that a new year does not necessarily cover the pains of the year before. Not to be a Debbie Downer or anything, it’s just reality. (And optimism isn’t always my strong suit.) But I did start thinking the other day about the things in 2017 that were good. I thought it would be entertaining to come up with some really random “Best Of’s” for the year. So here goes:

Best New Toy- A Serger

2017 brought on a year of a lot of sewing. I have been sewing for years now but 2017 reached whole new levels. It’s a creative outlet to be sure. But it’s also how I started to deal with feelings of frustration and powerlessness. I can’t fix the problems of the world, but damn it, I can take a heap of fabric and make something pretty. And so I did. A lot. My wardrobe (and the kids’ too), is moving towards mostly me made. Having a serger just upped my game.

Best Prank-

Last winter was one for the books. So. Much. Snow. I’m still a little traumatized by January. One of the upsides? A portion of the kids’ school playground had drainage problems and a “lake” formed. (I know, not really an upside yet. Hold on.) While driving to family dinner on a Thursday night I asked the question “What would it take to get Mr. Jakious (principal) on a raft in that body of water?” There were texts and Facebook messages sent and the next day we hauled a raft down to the school during morning recess. It was glorious.

Best Parenting Move-

In March the girls had 3 weeks off of school for track break. We decided that each week Josh and I would take a daughter on a date- just the 3 of us. It was so much fun to have that one on one time with each kid. We did completely different things- zoo, bowling, movies. I definitely want to do this one again.

Best Professional Milestones-

In the spring, I recertified with DONA. And filed under “Things I never imagined happening 15 years ago” a local birth center asked to feature some of my birth photos on their new website. I still feel like I can’t say that I’m a legit photographer. I’m so not. But what do you know? I’m not terrible at it.

Best Home Improvement-

We finally finished the landscaping in our back yard. There’s a few details left but it looks so good!! It felt so good to finally be able to finish it. Thanks to my many clients for helping fund it! 😂

Best day of vacation-

Summer saw a trip to the Oregon Coast for the Cramer Family Reunion. The best part? After the reunion the 5 of us took off for a few quiet days on the beach. It was so fun to spend time exploring, just the 5 of us. (Note: we love family reunions. I just wouldn’t call them “restful”…) The pictures are terrible, but our visit to Heceta Head Lighthouse was magical.

Best Marriage Move-

In August we celebrated our 13th Anniversary. We ran away to downtown and spent 2 nights in a hotel. We walked all over and enjoyed our city together. Definitely a good move. Would definitely repeat! 

Best song/album/artist-

Looking back through iTunes it appears as if 2017 wasn’t a big music year for us. We didn’t add much to our collection. I honestly listen to my Lumineers station on Pandora 85% of the time. I’m not hip and cool and into all the latest new things. That’s ok. But one artist I did get familiar with is Johnnyswim. They’re a husband and wife duo. I heard Amanda (one half of the duo) interviewed on a Shauna Niequist podcast and decided to check them out. I like their sound. And I like their lyrics. One song in particular is “Let it Matter”. In it they tackle grief (I believe born out each of them losing parents). And I’m a girl who appreciates a good honest wrestle with hard things.

Best podcast episode-

2017 saw the addition of podcasts to my life. It’s the prefect way to spend an afternoon sewing, or a long drive to a client meeting. I discovered several that I like. Some of them are serious, some are just fun. But one episode was so excellent. I listened to it twice and I’d listen again. It’s one that I wish every white Christian in America would listen to. It tackles so many things that Josh and I have been wrestling with over the last year. It made me weep. Except that I was driving 80 mph on the freeway and had to pull it together so I wouldn’t die. I highly encourage a listen (at slower speeds perhaps).

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/white-supremacy-is-spiritual-bondage/

Best New Recipe- 

This one came late in the year, but oh man is it tasty. On more than one occasion I have sat down to an entire plate of just carrots. I kid you not. Carrots!! So give them a try, and then use the same method for other vegetables. You won’t regret it. I promise.

Preheat oven to 400. Cut carrots into sticks and place on baking sheet. Try not to crowd them. Add 1-2 cloves of diced garlic. Sprinkle with paprika and thyme. Generously salt and pepper. Lightly toast and then crush (with a mortar and pestle, or a rolling pin) 1 tablespoon each whole coriander and fennel seeds. Drizzle with olive oil. Get your hands messy and mix it all together. Your hand will be the color of paprika. That’s how you know you did it right. Roast in oven for 15-20 minutes, or until deliciously browned. Be proud of yourself for liking your vegetables more than any other part of your meal. You’re welcome.

And this concludes Random Things: Best of 2017. Here’s to a new and different year.

Over the last 4 weeks I have begun crafting this story in my head numerous times, waiting until I knew the outcome before I really started. Well, the outcome is now known and the story can be written.

The Backstory

A year and a half ago God put a desire in my heart-a desire to hold on to my house with loose hands so that if something amazing ever came up we could jump. Josh and I both long to have the space to welcome people in. We can do that now with what we have, but we would love to have someone live with us for a time. Our house has limits on what we can do. That’s fine. But we both have hearts to do more. (And I’ll be completely selfish and honest and admit I really want a sewing room/office.)

This spring my curiosity got the better of me and I started looking at houses and entertaining the idea of a move. If we were to move it had to meet specific criteria: it had to be so much better than what we have, move in ready, within a mile-ish of where we are now, and in our budget. Basically, it had tobe perfect or there was no reason for us to move. For a few weeks I entertained it. I even went and saw a house. But it just confirmed for me that what we have is good. I settled into contentment choosing to be thankful for what God has given us; trusting when it’s really time He’ll make it known.

June

And then something happened. A house went on the market. Not just any house. A house where we knew the seller. A house that had raised 3 girls and was ready for the next family. A house 0.9 miles away, that was move in ready, in our budget, with 1,000 more square feet. Room to invite people in to stay. Room for sewing. A pool. Room to do the things we’ve always wanted to do. The clouds parted and the sun streamed in. Josh got excited. And we decided to jump. From the beginning we said we would keep walking until the door shut. And one by one, the doors opened. We saw the house on a Friday. On Saturday, immediately following Adaliah’s birthday party, we started getting our house ready to list.

I spent that Sunday morning (Father’s Day) in tears as I cleaned up rooms- marveling at all the life that had happened in our house since we bought it. How so many prayers had been answered in our house. I also cried over the unexpected joy of finding another house that seemed like such a great fit.

We put in an offer Sunday. On Monday we had our house photographed. On Wednesday afternoon, despite all financial reason, the seller accepted our offer. Our house was listed that evening. On Thursday we had 5 showings. Exactly a week earlier I had been contentedly, happily sewing with my sister-in-law at my dining table while our kids and husbands ran amuck. A lot can happen in a week.

This was a lot of big change real fast. Not my strong suit by the way… 

Once listed, we stayed away from the house to keep it clean for showings. We’ve never made our bed for that many consecutive days EVER. I had to switch out towels and hide dog beds every time we left the house. I did stealth ninja laundry. When we were home we worked on repairs and cleaning projects. I fell asleep on the couch almost every night by 9:00. We prayed. A lot. I cried. A lot.

We had assumed that having our offer accepted was the biggest obstacle and that selling our house would be more of a formality. We had until July 7th to be under contract. With all pride and confidence I assumed that was more than enough time in this market.

But God had other plans.

After, I don’t know, 30 or so showings, a price drop, and a week long extension to our contract our cute little house only had one offer. An offer we couldn’t accept. We countered. They rejected.

July 14, 5:00 pm

Yesterday was the deadline on our contract extension. We had one last showing- after we returned from a week long vacation. (Oy vey.) Over the last week or so I had come to terms with the fact that this move wasn’t looking likely. I didn’t know how much hope to have. I even felt relieved that we wouldn’t have to pack up our house. I felt peace with the prospect of staying where we are. I also knew I would be disappointed. There would be grieving to be done.

Today

Today, the beds are unmade. Pictures are back on the walls. There are toys tied to the banister again. The dog has his couch back. There’s laundry to fold.

Today, we’re processing. We’re in mourning. And I think I’m more disappointed than I expected I would be. It feels like we’ve experienced a house miscarriage.  A future that we had begun to imagine is no more. And I think it’s ok for us to feel this way. At least today.

I have a lot of questions. Like why did God take us on this journey just to drop us right back where we started? What was his purpose in all this? Because I, for the life of me, cannot figure that out right now. I keep thinking about the text I received from the daughter of the seller the night our offer was accepted. How excited and happy she was. How we were an answer to her prayers for the house. Why would God dangle that in front of us all? My kids only have a 7 week summer break. Why did we waste 4 weeks of their summer in total chaos with nothing to show for it?

I know all the things. All the “God has a plans” and the “it’s for the bests” and the “maybe there’s something elses”. And I really do believe all those things. I do. But I think an honest faith journey involves believing all the things and also having all the questions. All the grief and all the peace.

What now?

And so we begin Adventures in Staying Put. After living in a real estate vortex for the last 4 weeks, it’s time to return to normal life. I have tons of New Mercies work to do which gives me a lot of joy. I have sewing projects to plan. We have a beautiful back yard to enjoy (when it’s not 140,000 degrees outside). A trip to the cabin to get excited about. An anniversary celebration to anticipate. School to prepare for. Maybe a home improvement project here or there to tackle.

I will choose to focus on the things I love about my home. On the ways God has redeemed this sad little short sale of a house.

I also want to publicly thank all the people who were involved in this whole process. It really was an amazing team. Thanks to Becka our realtor (She’s fantastic and worked her butt off!!). Thanks to Susanne for being stellar on the financial end. Thanks to Lori for taking a chance on us. Thanks to Kristine for your prayers and the bonding we got to do over this. Thanks to my tribe of friends that endured my text updates and pleas for prayers. Thanks to our families and friends for letting us crash at your houses with our dog during showings. Though the outcome isn’t what we hoped for, we still got to experience the body of Christ coming together to support us. Dear Friends, that is not an unnoticed blessing.

So, without further ado…

Away We Stay.

The setup

The last few months have been a particularly overwhelming season for this mama. While I was hopeful that some of the crazy would calm down a bit once the regularity of September hit, that doesn’t seem to be the reality of the situation. Frankly, the demands of 3 young children, housekeeping, yard work, needed repairs and purchases on house/furniture/fence/cars/etc., ministry involvements, running my own business, a husband in full-time ministry, and all on essentially 1 income are more than I can sometimes bear. Someone always needs me- if it’s not a child, it’s someone else. Something else always needs to be fixed or purchased. And always, always, everything needs to be cleaned. Money is limited. And time even more so.

That drowning feeling and tears have been frequent, as well as a month and a half long eye twitch situation. I’m waving my little white flag and Josh and I are trying to figure out the best way forward for us this fall.

I don’t write all this to make you feel sorry for me or for being one of those people or things that needs my attention once in a while. I write this because I know I’m not alone. I know I’m not the only overwhelmed mom out there.

I read a book while on our recent anniversary trip (Yes. I got to read a whole book.) and one particular passage really spoke to me.

“Because He has put a task before us, it is holy and worthy of our care, not because of how we feel about it, but because He has set it before us.” -B.D. Riehl, “The Earth is Full.”

So for my part

Yes. I’ve needed (and continue to need) to have my perspective and attitude shifted. I pray that I would start viewing the tasks before me as holy and worthy of my care simply because God has put them there. God is in control. And yes, I could meditate on that more frequently. Yes, I’m thankful for the crazy life we have, and I could meditate on that more frequently. Yes, I could pray more, and yes and I could read the Word more. I’m on a journey over here and your prayers for my growth are much needed. And prayers for Josh and I as we try to find balance would be amazing.

For your part

There are a million “mom blogs” out there and not a day goes by when there isn’t at least one of them in my Facebook News Feed. Some of them are very good and honest, inspiring and encouraging. Some of them make us feel guiltier than heck. Most of them are only read by moms. And most of them, while eloquently worded and tug at your heart strings (or your funny bones), don’t leave much guidance for everybody else with an Overwhelmed Mom in their life. So for a Part 1 of “things not to say to overwhelmed mothers” I give you this: (I also admit a Part 2 will probably never be written, because heck, like I have that kind of time…And actually, this advice pertains to relating to people in general!)

Don’t ever say “At least you have a face.”

What? You wouldn’t ever say that? What does that even mean? Why would you even consider saying that? Hang with me while I tell you a little story.

Four years ago me and four other close friends spent a weekend together for the first time in years. We talked about everything under the sun that weekend and one of the subjects that came up was when people in our lives say things that aren’t helpful in the name of being “optimistic”, “encouraging” or “spiritual”. It happens all the time, especially in Christian circles and I’m sure you know exactly that I’m talking about.

Here’s a generic example of what I’m describing:

Person A “Ya know, my job is just really hard and I don’t feel appreciated at work.”

Person B “Be grateful that you have a good job. You’re so blessed to have it.”

How does Person A feel now? Probably like their whole experience and emotions have been invalidated, and now they also feel guilty for being an ungrateful jerk.

Sometimes, we need a little more time, a little more conversation, a little more sympathy before we can even turn our heads to the bright side. Having it thrust at us, even with good intentions I’m sure, cannot only be unhelpful, but it can also be downright hurtful!

Later in the girls’ weekend I was complaining. See, I had an eyebrow waxing go wrong right before I left. I had a raccoon mask around my eyes of puffy, red, itchy, terribleness. And it hurt. So I said “My face hurts!!” and Katie Cochran (I love you forever) says to me “At least you have a face.” There were great groans of laughter from around the room. And I have called these kinds of statements “At least you have a face” statements ever since. It’s become part of our household vocabulary.

Sometimes ridiculous examples are the most helpful. Clearly, I’ve always been thankful that I have a face. Sure, I suppose I may take that for granted once in a while but just being reminded of the fact that I had one didn’t mean that what I was experiencing wasn’t painful, because it was. (Ya know, sort of.)

Trite platitudes aren’t helpful. And honestly, the fear of having them thrown back at me has kept me from being truly honest and vulnerable with people. I don’t always need to see the bright side. Sometimes, I just need someone to stand in the dark with me. To simply acknowledge that yes, it’s dark and then ask, how can I help make it brighter?

To moms in the trenches- I’m popping my head out to wave to you in the dark. I see you Sister, and yes it’s hard. How can I help make it brighter for you?

To those who are now empty nesters or grandparents- really remember what it was like. What were the things you found helpful from others when you were in the thick of it? We need your honest encouragement. We value your years of experience. And we need your help! And to everyone, the next time you look at Overwhelmed Mom (or anyone for that matter) and almost say “At least you have a face”

or “Your kids are only little once”

or “Look at how blessed you are”

or “At least you’re young”

or “At least you get to stay home with your kids”

or “At least you have a job that provides for your family”

stop yourself and ask “How can I help make it brighter for her?”

Then pick up a broom and sweep her kitchen floor, because I’m sure it needs it!