so much to blog, so little time...

I think about starting a blog almost everyday. Its much much easier to throw together one sentance and post it on facebook. Although I'm finding myself irritated more and more these days with facebook world- or actually irritated with myself and who I add as friends. Don't get me wrong, I have reconnected with so many people that I wondered if I've ever see or talk to again but I feel fake for constantly congratulating people who are newly pg or their so-and-so who just had a baby. And yet, I feel like a jerk if I don't congratulate. Its just one word, congratulations, and while it typically is heartfelt, its often times inappropraite things like "we're really hoping its a boy since we've already got 3 little girls in the family". I just want to scream WHO CARES(about the gender that is). But instead I do the proper congratulations and/or comment on the adorable pictures and feel beaten. Not beaten like IF used to make me feel but beaten because if I were willing to make a poor me post on fb *wish I could pg, wish my body worked right, wish dhs count and quality of sperm was better, wish my baby wouldn't have died*(you get the picture)- these are the exact same people who would not respond or would give me some kind of religious speech. Yeah well let your baby die, let your child have a m/c after years or IF, you try it all out and see if you can find a reason that makes it ok....Bottom line is this: for me, facebook is kind of fake. Maybe I'm the one whose fake. I like to know whats going on with old friends, and to keep up with extended family that I sometimes go years without seeing but its not always safe. You pop onto facebook and there it is, staring you in the face. You read and sometimes wish you wouldn't have. But whatever...I guess if you want to keep up with them, you keep up with anything they want to share. I don't wish misery on any of them, far from it. I just wish people had a bit more tact sometimes.

Speaking of which, as bitter as that sounds, I'm really not anymore. At least not much. I gave up on figuring out "why me". It just is what it is. I am infertile. I may never have children. I will survive. I've got a pretty damned good life as is. This is alienating me a bit from the IF online community I've grown to love and depend on for so many years. I'm not in that same place anymore, I find it hard to relate. When I do try to support, I feel its too much or not recieved correctly. When I read a blog or a post somewhere from someone new to IUI or IVF, and they are hopeful and excited, I have to tell myself to *not* rain on their parade, to not ruin their optimism. Afterall, it could work. I do hope for them that it does. I just know how bad it can feel when it doesn't. I find it hard to cheer them on, I don't want to contribute to that optimism until they have a happy healthy baby in thier arms. So, while I'm very happy to be on a road of healing after years of IF hell, pain, darkness,sadness, depression and lonliness, I'm finding myself in an odd place. I definately don't fit in with the fertiles, and am beginning to feel like I don't fit in with the infertiles. So where does that leave me?

thats about all I have time for tonight. Wish I blogged more often, it always feel good to work through it, get it out of my mind and onto the keyboard. Wishing my tiny tiny audience a very happy thanksgiving. I know I'm looking forward to it this year. I've got so much to be thankful for :)

whirlwind life, facebook,etc

Things have been so very insanely busy that I've almost forgotten how to relax. The closest thing I get to relaxing these days is farmin on facebook! And even then I find my mind wondering to the dishes or the laundry or to work that needs to be done. Its good, I mean busy is good but a day or 2 off a week is good too. Guess I'll have to settle for an afternoon or 2 off.

I got a new job since my last blog. Over a week now. I'm not sure how I feel about it just yet. Its challenging and consuming and nerve wrecking. I know it will get easier with time, once I get into my business mojo and get into the swing of it all. DH comes home from work and says "how was your day" pretty much daily and I'm still answering "uhhhh" and shruging.

Sometimes I still feel that fog, its like the beginnings of a panic attack. I can usually talk myself down from it with some deep breathing,etc but man getting overwelmed with life sucks. Dh always asks what is it?...Boy don't I wish I could tell him. Its nothing and everything all at the same time.

Anyone ever have someone added as a FB friend and then regret it? Yea, thats me. I've got 4 people who absolutely drive me up a wall with their rediculous FB chatter. Some of them blog when they burp or pee. I mean seriously, TMI...TMI that noone cares to know about. And its constant! I could care less,really. Then theres my poor poor pg cousin complaining about how big she's gotten and how they are monitoring her now weekly for lack of fetal movement and she's soooo tired of going to the dr. BLAH BLAH BLAH....My comment to her was that soon it will be over and she'll have nothing else to worry about except for labor and delivery...oh and 18 yrs of responsibilty for another human being. Yea, she cant wait to get this baby out. She has no clue. really. I have friends who have found me from HS. People who I haven't talked to for yrs who add new pics of their little ones daily. They don't care to comment on anything in my life because obviously none of it is as important as their child(ren). Yet I feel that they expect comments and ohhs and ahhs everytime a new pic goes up.....Moral of the story, really think about it before adding someone as a FB friend. I mean really really think about it. Make it what you want to make it.

Well I've jabbered on way too long and have to get up early agian tomorrow for another long day. I don't feel Ive even touched on the main topics I wanted to, LOL..Maybe time will surface and I can get a good catch up post soon for you, my tiny tiny audience who I love and adore! Altho I do wish the nameless would come forth, I like to know my aundience :)

this and that...

My cousins baby shower is tomorrow. I'm not going but feel ok about it. Even ran into her tonight while shopping her registry for the gift for tomorrow(tiny bit embarassed because 1) she saw what was in my basket and knows what I'm getting her now, and 2) she knows I waited till the very last possible second to get her anything. I haven't seen her for oh say 2-3 months and boy has she blew up, but oh so cute. She's soooo tiny with this big 'ole round hard bump. I smiled, and didn't even have to fake it. If this is what being at peace feels like, than me likes it. I shopped the baby section for a good 15 minutes trying to find the last few things that werne't horribly expensive that haven't been bought yet. And I survived. Didn't even break a sweat. Man, I'm getting good at this acceptance thing. And truthfully, I have serious doubts about her ability to be a good mother BUT I hope she will be. And I am excited for her, and happy for her. Truely. Oh, the registry. PLEASE! OMG, she registered for some of the dumbest stuff, a glade candle in a vanilla scent, a zip up robe for herself, p.js for her, NIPPLE CREAM, nursing bras. Call me old fashioned but arn't those strange requests? Its not her day(well kinda)but mostly its the babys. Not that she isn't important but I'd rather get gifts for the baby, after all its a baby shower, not her bday. Am I wrong here?.....She registered for 1 lousy package of diapers. ONE. Yep, she's clueless. I don't think she realizes the first few weeks are filled with eating,crying and pooping. lots and lots of poop....


Our(dh & I) birthdays are coming up Monday. YiPeeee. I wish I didn't feel this way about bdays. I wish I felt like celebrating but I just don't want to get any older. I know people in their 30s or 40s would give anything to be 28 again, I get that. Just like I would love to be 25 again. Maybe I need to forget about them for good. Not even acknowledge the day. I don't know why I feel like this, up until my 24th or 25th bday, I loved having bdays. Now, not so much. Its not like I have a bad life, I don't. In fact, I've got a pretty peachy life. I love my husband more and more with each passing day. I have purpose. I am luckier than many-possibly even more lucky than most. Bdays are just life, right?....No real plans for the day, we both have to work. D had said something about taking me to our favorite japenese restaurant later on in the week. Guess we'll see.

It is soooo FALL here. I love it. Its been absolutely beautiful! The past 2 days or so the trees have really started changing. I love autumn. I tolerate the cold and the rain and the illness I just got over that visits every year around this time cuz I have no other choice but the beautiful colors of the trees almost makes all that worth while.

My dog is just the coolest thing ever. He's so stinkin' smart, it kills me sometimes. Would love to go into more detail with a couple of his latest antics and stories but my droopy eyes along with truckers attempts to wiggle in between me and the laptop(jealousy, i can't pet him and type at the same time) are telling me that will all have to wait.

letter to my baby...

Tonight I lit a candle for you little one. I don't know where you are but I swear I can almost feel your presense sometimes. I wonder if you will come back to us some day. The day I found out you were there was the best day of my entire life. And the day I knew you were gone was the worst. You were with us in spirit for such a short time but I can't remember smiling as much as I did for those few days. We loved you so much. You taught me a new kind of love and even though your departure was far too soon, I will never forget the happiness and excitement you brought to this home. You will never be forgotten.

did something unusual today...

Or at least unusual for me. I found myself staring at a wall for at least a good hour, possibly closer to 2 even. I was so deep in thought, trying to wrap my mind about things. Recalling things from the past, pondering the here and now and guessing the future. Its funny, I remember the feeling of knowing(or at least thinking I knew) what the future would hold. But that was once upon a lifetime. I wonder when that changed- when I went from one extreme to the other, went from the control freak of "this will be my future" to the passive "I wonder what will happen".

Sure, like most women little thoughts pop in my head by the millions throughout the day, I wonder this or think about that but to really just stare at a wall, sitting in a completely quiet room, just thinking. Well its kind of amazing. Not neccassairly good amazing or bad amazing, perhaps some of both. Normally, I don't allow myself to escape like this, to take this amount of time to just think. To really think.


I wonder as many of Infertiles must wonder if I fear being a mother more than fear not being a mother. After ttc for so many years, you begin to try to force yourself into a healing mode. You tell yourself you don't want children, you tell yourself it will never happen. Really, for me anyway, I was unable to deal with the real painful stuff so I swept it under a rug in the corner of my mind. Which brings me to where I am now. I just don't know. I wonder how thats possible after all the years of ttc, after the m/c, after all thats happened. I wonder how its possible for me to *not* know what I want. Sure, I still love the idea of a child. I think I care less and less each day about weather that child is genetically linked to either dh or myself. I think about when my nephew is here. Thats when I'm the very happiest. I feel a certain pride with my nephew, even though I'm just an aunt. My heart bursts at the seams for him. I think if I can love him that much with him only being my nephew, well than I must be fit for motherhood.

One thing I thought about today that I hadn't (really)thought about for a long time and some of my readers may know this already-we had attempted to adopt an infant from a very bad situation years ago and it fell through. Thats a feeling that I don't know I could stomache to feel again. I barely even ever got to hold him yet I feel I was put in the situation to adopt him not by chance but because I was destined to be his mother. I think of how old he would be. I even see "them" including "him" now and again at local events or walmart. I avoid eye contact for fear of falling on the floor wailing loudly for my baby. DH very much believes I am or should be "over it". Considering that the baby was born addicted to many illegals, perhaps he's right and we got "lucky" by "getting out of it". Of course my feeling is more like we got robbed, they stole my child. No I didn't birth that child but the home life I could have provided for that child, the sheer love, there is no way what he's been given can compare. I feel like I was cheated in the worst way you could cheat a person.

And then theres the m/c. I'm still shocked much of the time that we got pg without medical intervention, without even trying. Talk about irony considering we were at a point of giving up, trying to live happily as a married couple without children. It was getting easier all the time, before long we didn't even have to fake being happy, we just were. And then bam! Our lives were turned right side up(as opposed to upside down) when I saw that BFP. I'd never gotten a bfp. We were over the moon redicously happy. Thinking of it still brings a smile to my face. I want to remember that feeling so much more than the feeling of dread I had when I discovered the blood, or even worse when it was confirmed.

My bday is coming up in oh about 10 days or so. I am in a much better place in many ways then I was a few years ago. I still think I've been dealt a bad hand but I question if I stay in the game if I'll ever get a good hand or not. So I guess the question is is it worth it? Wish I knew the answer, but as is everything in life, the answer is not yet clear. I do know this, we can't wait much longer. Come the 26th of Oct, I will celebrate my 28th bday, dh his 37th. Neither of us will want to become parents much past either of these ages. In fact, at one point dh said absolutely not after turning 35(for him). Its funny how we can change our minds on that easily when trying to fill your hearts desire.

feeling weak...

Lately I find myself feeling week. I read womens blogs who have been through so much more than myself and yet they go on. Everything from countless miscarriages to stillborn births to countless failed IVFs, and sometimes a combination of the above. I watch them in amazement for thier ability to go on. I know there are no real pain olympics, and normally I wouldn't compare apples to oranges but as I see them go on I wonder why I don't have it in me. Did I just never have that kind of drive? I thought I did. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world- so much so that I risked my future happiness. I still have a deep desire for motherhood a good portion of the time. But the fears. I am watching women who have been through horrific ordeals repeatedly and yet they are willing to risk their heart being broken again and I literally sit in the back row and watch wondering why I am differnt. I see women who have tried much much longer than the 7 or so years we tried. The strength is inspiring- ok not inspiring enough for me to actually continue ttc but the passion they have for wanting to experience motherhood so badly that they lay their heart on the line continously. Well, I've just never seen anything like it. Its amazing!

Speaking of fears. I am overwelmed with them. I fear my marriage failing again, only not to be able to recover next time. I fear never being pg again. I fear being pg again. I fear lonliness, I fear miscarriage. I fear never being a mother and I fear my drive and desire for such are not sufficent enough to prove to myself that I'd be any good at it. I fear for my sanity if any of the above fears come true. Yep, I'm just a big ole fraidy cat :(

vacation,etc...

so we just got back from our vacation to tn yesterday. It was fantastic. I came home feeling fresh minded. I'll shorten the experience and save most of the details except for the really cool ones. Prettiest things we saw would have been the smoky mtns, mingo falls, cumberland gap, new found gap, and the entire town of cherokee, NC was amazing. I danced with indians, sampled wine @ an amazing winery until I was good and giggly. We sat in the hot tub @ our friends house a couple of nights. I had a few firsts including tasting vinegar pie, real moonshine, riding a mechanical bull, and a motorcycle. I enjoyed all but the vinegar pie which wasn't even as bad as I had guessed it to be, lol. We went to davey crockett tavern which was pretty cool. All in all, great vacation and good times! The trip was really hard on the boy(trucker). He's developed a serious issue with traveling since we have gotten out of rv transport. He totally has panic attacks in the car so you can imagaine what a 750 mile trip one way is like for him. Poor baby. He's exhausted now.

We returned yesterday to some very sad news. A lady who lives a few miles south of here backed over her 4 yr old daughter and killed her. It was accidental. This is heart wrenching news. People who are believers always find some sort of silver lining in everything and when good happens, they come up with something like "see, miracles happen everyday"...which is true. But explain why the loss of that little girl will ever be ok. Explain to that mother how she can go on with the guilt she must feel. Explain to the family that god is good.(I'm not debating god is good, I'm debating the existance)...I just can't even imagaine. I feel so bad for the family.

I had a few moments on vacation of sadness thinking about how I should be nearing birth. I should have the nursery done. I should be preparing to hold our baby in my arms. Its killing me. So in a way, I guess vacation was bittersweet. Believe me I'd traded the vacation, the bull riding, the drinking, basically anything in my life to be nearing that point. But I'm not. So I try to put it behind me. But I have a feeling the next couple of weeks with the edd approaching are going to be kinda sad for us.

I've got plants I've drug all the way from Tn and I gotta get them in the ground before they completely wither away. maybe tomorrow. The weather is truely fall here now and I think for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to winter this year. Not really the cold, just the ability to let go of gardening, I'm tired of mowing, tired of being unable to get inside projects like painting done because I'm outside so much working. Moreso this year than of any year of the past. Since spring of this year it seems like one big outdoor project after another. I need to be able to curl up with a good book, get some indoor projects done. Wind down.