Just Cruisin 2

A daddy was listening to his child start his evening prayer, “Dear Howard….”

At this, Dad interrupted and said, “Wait a minute. How come you called God, ‘Howard'”?

The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, ‘Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name'”.

A minister and a bank manager were out playing golf.
The bank manager was not having a good game.

He sliced his shots, he ended up in the ditch, the stream, the pond, the rough, you name it, he did it!
As the game progressed the bank manager got more, and more, bad tempered and his language worse!
It was **** this and b***** that and s** that!
I put in stars to spare your blushes!

The minister tut-tutted at every new outburst until, on the 17th he said to the bank manager, “You must realize that your language is most displeasing to God. He must be very angry with you. You will reap your reward!” At the 18th tee the bank manager missed his ball completely whereupon he let out a torrent of foul language!

No sooner had he spoken than a dark cloud formed in the heavens and thunder rolled.
Suddenly a fork of lightning came down and killed the minister.
At once a loud voice was heard saying, “F*ck it missed!”

There is a traffic accident, and three blondes who were in the same vehicle together die instantly. They go to the pearly gates, and St. Peter tells them that each one has to answer one question in order to get in.

St. Peter turns to the first blonde. “What is the importance of Easter?”

She says, “That’s when everyone gets to wear masks and cool costumes and people give you candy when you go door to door.”

St. Peter pushes a button and activates a trap door, and asks the second blonde, “What is the importance of Easter?”

She replies, “Easter is a big religious holiday, and we go shopping at great stores and wrap up cool presents and give them to each other. But I forget why that is religious, sorry.”

St. Peter pushes the same button and asks the third blonde, “What is the importance of Easter?”

She replies, “Oh, this is very important. Jesus died horribly on a cross to save us from our sins, and after he died he was put into a cave-tomb thing, with a big rock in front,” and at this point St. Pete begins to reach for a halo and harp, but the blonde continues, “and the angel rolls the stone away, and if Jesus sees his shadow, there are six more weeks of winter.”

If you’re like me, you didn’t have “release the Government files on outer space aliens” on your bingo card. The world has gone so crazy I’m going to stop trying to figure it out. I haven’t watched broadcast media opinions for a while now, yet a person can’t get away from the internet groups.

I didn’t watch the State of the Union speech and still managed to see snippets of the actions from those in the Democrat party who attended. I’m still scratching my head over the guy holding the sign that said black people aren’t apes or some such thing. And again, the Democrats displayed their maturity with their outburst and refusal to stand. It made them look like the unintelligent people Trump claims they are.

Luckily, I have found an outlet from the insanity in of all places a channel on TV. It’s a western channel that plays movies from the 1950s and 1960s which I started watching. The movies make more sense than any media news outlet and most politicians. No F-bombs, no gratuitous sex, and you can tell the bad guys by the color of their hats. Even in black and white! Beats ‘Breaking News’ hands down. Enjoy the weekend.

On an evening out with his cronies, Mike raised a toast, “To the best years of my life, spent between the legs of my wife!” But, later, embarrassed at what he’d said, he told wife Katie that he’d toasted her with, “To the best years of my life, spent in church beside my wife.”

Next day, one of Katie’s friends, who’d learnt of the toast from her own husband, congratulated Katie on Mike’s having raised such a flattering salute to her.

“Aye, and I wish it were true,” sighed Katie, “But really it only happened twice – once before we got married, and once after. And the second time I had to wake him up when it was all over…”
 

Then there was a Catholic priest on a train with a Rabbi. This being a Virgin West Coast train from London to Manchester, it came to a halt somewhere in Staffordshire for two hours, and the clerics reached the point where they were sharing confidences like old friends. ‘Tell me, Rabbi’, said the priest, ‘just between ourselves, have you ever eaten bacon?’

‘Well, Father, I must admit that I did once try some. Just to satisfy my curiosity, you understand.

And while we are sharing our most intimate secrets, have you ever given into the temptation to break your vow of chastity?’ ‘Well, Rabbi, I must admit that I did, just the once, to satisfy my curiosity, you understand’.

There was a reflective silence for a moment, then the Rabbi commented, ‘Beats the hell out of bacon, doesn’t it?’

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to
a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.”

A priest, a rabbi, and an imam were talking about their experiences of the miraculous. The imam said, “I was lost in a terrible blizzard, and prayed to Allah to save me, and all around me for 100 yards it was as warm as a spring day. I made it back to my house and thanked Allah for his great mercy.”

The priest said, “I was rowing in a boat when a squall came up and threatened to capsize me. I prayed out to Jesus Christ, and all around me for 100 yards it was as calm as a still morning. I rowed safely to shore and thanked Jesus Christ for his great mercy.”

The Rabbi said, “I was walking to synagogue, when all of a sudden I saw a twenty-dollar bill on the ground. I couldn’t pick it up because that would be doing work on the Sabbath. So I prayed to Ha-Shem, and all around me for 100 yards it was Tuesday….”

Saint Peter is watching the gates of heaven but really has to go to the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes and Jesus says “fine”

St. Peter takes the book which lists everyone who’s supposed to get into
Heaven that day with him to the bathroom to have something read.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from earth to heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter’s tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus explains that he doesn’t have the book but asks the old man to explain his life and why he felt he should be admitted to heaven.

Jesus would then make the decision whether or not to let him in based on the story.

The man explained “In English my name would be Joseph, but I didn’t live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I’m not remembered very well by most people but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn’t really come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the world; he was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavoury characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My biggest single reason for trying to get into heaven is to be reunited with my son.”

Jesus is awe-struck by the man’s story. He looks into the old man’s eyes and asks, “Are you MY Father?”

The old man’s face brightens; he looks at Jesus and asks, “Are you Pinocchio?”

Margaret confided in her pastor that she was thinking of divorcing her husband. He asked why this was so-
“Has he been involved in adultery?”
“Adultery! Father, the man’s as childish as it gets!”

“Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?”
“He’s been known to play the fiddle a bit, Father, but I’ve never heard him practising on any connubial.”

“Do the two of you have a grudge?”
“Grudge? No, we have a car port.”

“What is it then, that you want to divorce him?”
“Father, one just cannot have an intelligent conversation with the man!”