Rewards Or Awards – What Are You Looking For?

Mar 15, 2026 CARAMELODY Leave a comment

An award was given out yesterday for a project I had the honour of being involved in. I was aware of the nomination, and prior to it being announced, I was approached on the matter. You see, I caused an upset some years ago by very publicly turning down an award. I turned it down because they announced my name as the “winner” of that award, something I strongly disagreed with.

It’s surprising how big a deal awards have become to volunteers and charities. Many would say that the work they do is without reward (financially) so they don’t have any issue with an award to honour that. I disagree. Regardless of not receiving financial reward, we are rewarded in ways that you cannot put a financial value on. We are without doubt the richest, wealthiest people on the planet – for all we have seen and heard and learnt from people facing the most unimaginable challenges and are doing so with courage and hope and joy. We are rewarded. Awards are not necessary.

I disagree with glorifying people, awarding them accolades, raising them up on pedestals, suggesting they are superior. It all becomes about me, me, me. So very far from the motivation that volunteers should have.

Reading that now might not seem particularly revolutionary. Only, I had somehow become a bit of a darling in the charity world, being roped into regular PR gigs and all sorts of big events. I became accustomed to the stage, the cameras, giving interviews, being photographed. I don’t think I saw how wrong it was at first. But I did come to realize it, and I knew it had to change.

Everything we did was a team effort. Credit should not be and should never have been allocated to one person. My very public reaction on my name being read out at an awards ceremony in London caused an upset. My words reverberated around the world. (Jack cites the experience as one of the reasons he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.) It has not fundamentally changed anything – for the most part, awards are still given out to individuals. But it made a lot of people think. So, the organisation who contacted the man who has direct oversight over all of my assignments (and who consulted with me) know that cannot happen again. If a project I am involved in is recognised, now they know, we need to come up with a plan.

This time round, I was notified that the work, the project was to be recognised with a nomination. Receiving a nomination meant there was a possibility that the award would also be given out in recognition of the work. So, on the eve of the award, would I be present? would I consider being involved in accepting the award? In other words, they threw the question out to us, how can we shine a light on the work, on the team effort, in a way that works for us? It really is a team effort – at every layer – planning, budgeting, sourcing, training, coordinating, supervising, constructing, cleaning, polishing, opening. maintaining… and so much more.

Consulting with us was appreciated. Jack was hugely keen on me thinking carefully about the response. You see, I am uncomfortable generally with comparing, suggesting one project is superior to another. The whole culture of awards makes me dubious. It makes Jack less dubious. He sees it as a way to motivate and celebrate volunteers. Jack is in the limelight whether he likes it or not – in the role he serves in – trust, transparency, accountability, being a role-model mean he has to be seen. He is a safe choice for that sort of a role – it does not go to his head. He is humble through and through. I have found ways to avoid the limelight. I am a little bit of a purist when it comes to motivation I suppose. You cannot be thinking of yourself when you volunteer. Lots of celebrities do – which really is bizarre. I presented a proposal through my direct overseer, which he communicated. We would work on a video presentation, so that if the project was chosen to receive an award, the video would deliver an acceptance in the words of our team.

We prepared the video. It was given to the organisation behind awards a few weeks ago. Last night, the awards were presented, and I was not overly surprised that in our category, it was the project we had been working on that received the award. The video that they played conveyed the same message I gave out when I rejected an award, but perhaps in a more palatable manner. It was all about why we do what we do. Nobody went was on stage. All eyes were on the screen. I sat there trying to pretend I did not notice the glances in my direction from those who knew… who knew that the organisation would have preferred to read out a name and see a person on stage saying something pretty. No, we delivered a video to make volunteers think and avoid improper motives.

It was a lovely evening. I spoke with many people I have known since I was in my late teens and early twenties. There were others who are newer to my acquaintance – and I firmly refused some requests for a photograph. The occasion to gather with fellow volunteers was worthwhile.

Frequently – I am on a stage – for the purpose of training and teaching. I have been interviewed, in front of many thousands of people, but that was for the purpose of training and teaching. The moment it becomes about credit, glory, honour – something goes very wrong. It cannot be. It has to be focused on the reason we do what we do. Highlighting the work going on can be very encouraging – and that is the value of a gathering like the one Jack and I attended yesterday. Volunteers are rewarded (not financially) and are the richest, wealthiest people on the planet – no awards are needed – thank you.

Ready, Steady… No

Mar 9, 2026 CARAMELODY Leave a comment

It should be “Ready, steady… go!”, but right now it feels otherwise. Do you remember needing help to put on your school shoes and pack your school bag? Very likely someone made your lunch for you, or had paid the school to provide a lunch for you. I remember for the most part being willing to get up and to school. Some days I really enjoyed it. Others, not so much.

Leaving high school was wonderful. By that time I had reached the limit of my enthusiasm for that sort of education, that sort of environment. At last, I could grow and learn in a way that made sense – not to be molded into someone who would become entangled in a career and a mortgage and other forms of debt. I could travel and teach. I did exactly that, and I have learnt so much in the process, and have avoided being weighed down by a paid career, a mortgage or debt.

Anyway, I am struggling to sleep because I do not want to go into the office tomorrow. I want to do the work – I love the work. But I do not want to be there in the office. I don’t want to put my school shoes on, or pack my school bag, or make my lunch. I don’t want to be there.

Shoulder To Shoulder

Feb 21, 2026 CARAMELODY 9 Comments

Do you consider yourself a good communicator? Please just pause and think for a moment. I am not referring to how great an essay you can produce. I am not thinking of someone who can talk, ad-lib, speak perhaps for hours extemporaneously. I am not pointing to someone who has the mastery of facial expressions and gestures. Nope, communication is the message that is imparted through many many means.

“Do as you say” or “practice what you preach” are well know expressions that perhaps have some bearing to a situation that has been choking me. Goodness “choking me” – that’s such a strong term. But yes, that is how it has felt. Choking the motivation and optimism and dignity I used to possess in abundance and now find has eroded. Someone seeming to want to place a collar around my neck and attach a leash. I feel utter disdain for what they are trying to do to me, sometimes to the point of wild fury.

I am tired. They are wearing me down with the relentless neglect and near estrangement. Reigning me in, bridling me, humiliating me. All the fight in me, power ebbing, joy floundering. Isolated, segregated, out on a limb.

Gone. That is what they will soon find. When someone does that to you, you seek to escape. I have been planning my escape for months. The brilliant boss has sustained me somewhat – but it is no good. The choking sensation of someone who is not competent who is trying to suppress and repress and in doing so is crushing and choking and destroying. The brilliant boss is not doing enough. I want to leave them to it. It’s too much to bear.

It is hard for me not to compare these detrimental paid employments with my world, my life in voluntary roles. We serve shoulder to shoulder – no partiality, no hierarchy, no discrimination. We serve shoulder to shoulder with joy.

My Seven Year Love Letter

Feb 14, 2026 CARAMELODY 5 Comments

Seven years ago, around this time of year, something that felt miraculous happened to me (although of course, one of several exhilarating nights about eight weeks prior was behind that “miracle”) . Something that touched me perhaps more deeply than any other event in my life. It knocked me sideways. It turned my world upside down. But it resulted in a level of agony and heartbreak I cannot compare anything else to.

Seven years ago, I realized I was pregnant.

I don’t remember ever feeling I would like to have my own children. I don’t remember ever feeling I wanted to “settle down” and have a family of my own. I don’t remember ever looking at the joy on the faces of my friends as they embraced their beautiful newborns and feeling even the slightest twinge of envy. I was happy for them – very happy to see them so full of pride and joy and purpose. It just never once became my desire.

So when I realized I was pregnant, it was initially a shock, especially so as her father was 10,100 miles away. Can you imagine a huge freight train hurtling along at high speed? Or a supersonic aircraft jetting across the sky with breathtaking pace? So was the course of my life. Propelled from the age of sixteen into a world of dynamic action, working on an unpaid basis for an army accomplishing marvelous things. I was taught, trained, chiseled, assigned and working – making full use of each day.

Imagine that freight train or supersonic aircraft halting drastically and performing a “hand-break turn” or a “U-turn”? Overnight, I knew that being pregnant meant that everything would change from that moment on. Although there was a sense of shock, and of complete bewilderment and sense of feeling lost at how I would deal with this extraordinary new responsibility… I did not flinch, I did not hesitate for a moment. I knew from that moment on where my priority would be, and appreciated that there was no sacrifice too great for the trust that was bestowed upon me. My whole inner world was changing, yet nobody outside was aware.

When you look at the world, some view the gift of parenthood as of no great consequence (of course others prize this gift). For some life is cheap, and giving life to another is casual. Not for me. I sensed the enormity of the trust.

Several weeks later, I lost my little apricot. It’s tough, to be so alone and isolated with such a traumatic loss. Yet, I actually needed to be left alone to grieve. I didn’t want anybody else to patronize me with empty words or tell me every cloud has a silver lining. I did pray. I prayed a lot. There was actually nobody else in the universe I wanted to speak to at that point. I didn’t take time off work (paid or unpaid). I kept on going through the motions of life, feeling as if someone had ripped away my insides.

I think travelling to Snowdonia so she could have a sleeping place on family land, in a beautiful place, that was something I needed to do. It was not an overnight healing for the pain, but I wanted to show that she was part of our family, part of our history, part of our future, and she would always be part of us. She was loved.

Seven years later, I love her still. I will love her forever.

A New Word To Me

Feb 11, 2026 CARAMELODY 9 Comments

“Prosody” – I am not sure this word has ever crossed my path before. I looked it up because I was intrigued at the way it was used, the context within it was repeated. Here is one of the definitions I came across:

Prosody reflects the nuanced emotional features of the speaker or of their utterances: their obvious or underlying emotional state, the form of utterance (statement, question, or command), the presence of irony or sarcasm, certain emphasis on words or morphemes, contrast, focus, and so on.

Prosody displays elements of language that are not encoded by grammar, punctuation or choice of vocabulary.

Yeah… it is not really what is said… it is the way it is said. It gives new meaning to that incredible skill of listening and observing, reading in between the lines – almost ignoring the words, but sensing the emotion and meaning.

That really made me think. I have to admit, I tend to choose my words carefully, holding back in some instances, opting for more palatable expressions in others. I am not sure if everyone really understands my meaning in every case. But there have been occasions when the words don’t matter – I cannot hide how I feel. I have no idea how to do a poker face.

I was furious at one point this week. I kept my calm, but on this occasion I acted decisively. I shocked myself. I realized something, I think the intention of two other people was that they involve me in their project, at a lower level, supposedly to do whatever they asked, to make them look great and to get results – I presume. They excluded me from a key meeting with the external agent involved, and then seemed to think afterwards that I would be excited when they said I would be allowed to be involved. I just terrifyingly put myself in charge by removing myself from the situation. I basically said “no thanks, but it sounds exciting so you go for it – I am sure you will be super”.

It did not go down very well. But the thing is, I have found ways to keep myself busy in recent months, by working with humble hardworking people who are not all about looking good. I will work, I am going to keep on finding work. I am not going to be dogsbody for people who want to look like great managers. They are not managing me. They are making me miserable, well one of them is, by humiliating me. Somehow, standing up to that this week by saying “no thanks” helped me to walk away with my head high. It was empowering. I am managing myself. I am just about managing to hold my tongue. But I am going to have to continue to manage it, keeping my composure, making myself busy with value enhancing work.

On this occasion, I kept my cool and decided I was so furious, there was no way this was coming home with me. I was going to act quickly. So I did. I cut the rope. It felt empowering. I decided, waiting for a manager to miraculously change a situation that has been going on for over six months is just a mockery. So, I am going to manage the situation myself from now on. I realized something on the way home – it is only the brilliant boss that gives me a reason to turn up each day.

Competency And Humility

Jan 31, 2026 CARAMELODY 7 Comments

So… without going into unnecessary detail, questions around the competency, experience, accreditation, acumen and the actual results of others has been on my radar of late. This whole area is impacting me and others on a daily basis at the moment.

The person sharing the yoke I am in – very lovely, could not ask for better company and apparently with some form of accreditation, but lacking in acumen, experience, maturity, awareness and therefore general competency. This is making work for me, and although I am by nature a teacher, there are some days when I feel more like a babysitter than I really have the time for. It’s a test of my patience and humility – and although I sincerely am trying, there are times I want to break free from this yoke because I am often so alone and isolated and carrying someone else who is probably being paid a lot more than me due to the “accreditation” aspect is what threatens to break me. I am not interested in their salary by the way. It’s the insult when others look at the accreditation aspect and disregard me. My imperfect snap reaction is to think “I will push off then and we can see how that works out.”

The only person providing just about enough of an incentive to remain is the brilliant boss. But the number of occasions I feel ready to walk are multiplying daily. Controlling those feelings, bridling and restraining myself – the words that come to mind, the surge of desire to walk out and not come back. I love the work I have (there is not enough of it) and I love the people I interact with in many other areas of the organisation. It is the actual area I work in and the dismissive attitude of those who don’t know a jot about me, they just see a non-descriptive job title (one that does not tell you anything really). I suspect half of the issue is that even the brilliant boss would find it hard to define what I am actually doing with one punchy job title. In my head it is simply, “side-kick, loyal supporter, greatest promoter, advocate and defender of the brilliant boss, and general executor of all the decisions the brilliant boss makes and administrator of all he is willing to nudge in my direction – and apparently supervisor and trainer of another colleague who is supposed to be training me, but seems not to have anything they can train me in”. Slap a job title on that somebody please – because that is what is in my head.

Of more interest lately is the competency and accreditation of other parties. I know very well (I am a case in point) that someone can lack a specific form of accreditation, but prove more than competent through a whole range of prior experience, proven acumen, insight, methodology, and enough of what I hear sneered at as “soft skills” to knock accredited flakes out of the ball park. What happens though when you see someone or another organisation lacks accreditation and the work they produce has glaringly obvious omissions that are fundamental requirements, and they don’t have the communication skills that make it easy to discuss issues with them. My thoughts recently are that they are actually exposing themselves to risk, taking on more than they are competent to manage, putting themselves in the firing line when it comes to liability and accountability when they just are not ready for it (and actually far from it).

This has all been on my radar, on my plate of late. But of course, in contemplating all of this, I sometimes make a coffee and look at the news headlines on a website. Nobody with any common sense is immune to being concerned about what they read. There is no doubt, the question of competence (as well as accreditation, acumen, maturity, awareness and soft skills) is under the spotlight as never before. Those currently governing, primarily with their own self-serving interests in mind, are not competent. What is worse, not only do they lack competency, they have a gigantic deficit in the humility department. Nothing more to add. All they are doing is exactly what was foretold, they are blindly staggering like drunkards to their own end. Baffling.

Anyway… I am so glad, that already a competent, experienced, wise, just, powerful King is ruling in their midst and educating people, educating and training them. Nationalism and all of its associated problems does not have any relevance under his rule.

When it comes to my day to day attitudes and actions, I keep on reminding myself that when the firstborn of all creation came to earth, there must have been times when his patience and humility were tested. He was on many occasions insulted “who is this son of a carpenter?” Those who considered themselves as superior looked down on him as he did not possess their “qualifications”. But he proved to be phenomenally superior to them. He was judged by the Creator to be trustworthy and competent – he has been given “all authority”. At the word of his Creator, he will exercise such.

I must remain humble. If the greatest man who ever lived suffered humiliation, who am I – imperfect and inexperienced – to conduct myself with a lack of humility? If I really cannot go on suffering humiliation at the current rate, it may be wise to remove myself and leave them to work it out. A paid job is just a paid job, I can leave for all sorts of reasons. If I find my imperfection is making it exhausting to put up with insults, I can and probably should vamoose. But I want to keep on trying to suppress the daily insult and hurt, partly for the sake of the brilliant boss, but primarily because I know who will judge me – the King who set the perfect example for humans. I love and trust him and choose him as my King. I know that his love and trust for his Creator (and mine) has been proven. My King has helped me to come to know my Creator. I love them both. I want them to see me and my effort to imitate them and for them to smile with approval and with the pride of a Father.

One of the most beautiful expressions of approval ever uttered was just after he rose up from the Jordan and his Father declared “This is my Son, the beloved, whom I have approved”. That is all that matters. We are in the last of the last days of enduring the mismanagement of our stunning home. All that matters is that our King and our Creator look at us and smile with approval, “this is my son (or daughter), whom I love, whom I have approved”. If so, we can look forward to endless learning and satisfying work and enjoyment, as we live together, eat together, celebrate together all of the good that our Creator has arranged for our everlasting welfare and joy.

Really for me right now – there are two aspects to all I am dwelling on – one of course is competency. The other is much more important – humility. I could have all the competency in the world, but without humility, I cannot be used. That’s where the example of my King and my Creator really make the difference.

Four More Sleeps…

Jan 26, 2026 CARAMELODY 3 Comments

…until Jack is back.

I have reached that stage when I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot think, cannot breath until he is resting here with me.

There is so much to tell you – but being apart from the person who gives me purpose and direction, shapes my movements… it is so strange. I orbit around Jack. I wanted to orbit around Goldfinch… and in some respects… like Pluto… he knows I am there, always. if he wanted me closer to the centre of his universe, of course I would have naturally gravitated towards him.

But Jack… oh Jack… he fixed me with a celestial force – the type that choreographs nuclear fusion. I move around him in awe. I am his. He is mine. We are tied… invisible cord binding us.

Did I Really Say That?

Jan 19, 2026 CARAMELODY 4 Comments

One of my characteristics turns out to be the ability to articulate how I feel. Sometimes I do not articulate how I feel, due to feeling I ought not to, or out of deference for someone else. But at other times, I know the ability to articulate one’s feelings in a manner which conveys their weight along with the natural restraint a dose of sensibility imposes – it can be powerful due to perhaps being a rarity. I am reluctant to stray from diplomacy, but there are times when a heartfelt declaration slips out – and I mean what I say. I mean it in the moment, and I am convinced those feelings will last for much longer than a moment – I cannot imagine ever not feeling that way..

When I think back to all of the heartfelt declarations I have made (and I do believe I have uttered more than a few of them) I do not regret one word. Yes, perhaps in my youth, some of what I said could be a little embarrassing – but I meant it. I know I still feel as strongly now as I did back then. When I told Jammy I loved him I meant it. When I ended our romantic relationship, it may have appeared I did not love him. However, that was not the case. I love him still. Ending the romance before we wed was the right thing to do. He and I – forever friends. He is happy and I am happy for him – and vice versa. I feel love for him. I don’t regret anything.

Same with Goldfinch.

Same with Jack.

Of course I am with Jack. Well, not “with” literally right now because he is overseas. But with him in every other sense of the word. He knows I am his devoted sidekick. We make our life work – he gets to live the extraordinary assignments I yearn for. But he shares his adventures with me. I support everything here while he is away. I do this because I love him and I love the work we have.

Anyway… I said something to someone last week that was heartfelt – it was an emotional declaration. I said quite a lot but at one point likened myself to a puppy who thinks their master is wonderful and is super eager to please, so disappointed when feeling rejected.

I don’t regret a word – I meant it all. But ever since, I have been surprised at myself for being so open (I am no poker player) and unguarded. I guess it was a pure matter of trust – I trust the recipient of my heartfelt declaration. I meant every word. I sort of pledged a loyalty and commitment I know I have felt for some time, but it slipped out that my mind is so certain I have found someone worthy of trusting. Did I really say that? Yes, I did. I think I would say it again… and again… only that would be rather embarrassing. So, I won’t say it again… instead, I will live it.

Well… Where Do I Begin?

Jan 11, 2026 CARAMELODY Leave a comment

One hectic start to 2026. Have you had snow? Ice? We were all hoping for peaceful, calm start to a new year – and – NO! Do you know why I want to go and see the movie “Hamnet”? Everyone is promising me a real good cry. When I see what world leaders are doing, I feel like crying – I am sure I am not the only one. Revolutions, military invasions, threats to security, the list goes on. Thank goodness we have a real rescue mission underfoot. We have seen what Almighty Intelligence can do more than a few times. Jack is in a country I would prefer for him not to be in, but so far, I am amazed to hear how well he is being taken care of. He thought he would be roughing it on this assignment. But there is so much kindness and generosity among our volunteers, even in lands in economic turmoil.

While we wait, doing our best to do what is right, what is good, what is wise – and sometimes, feeling as if we are just about holding with all out might to the basics – pausing for breath is important. I have had a really odd weekend. Due to weather, my commitments were changed. Which has meant I could make a headstart in all aspects of spring cleaning. My world is sparkly and orderly – bliss. I have been able to rest this afternoon and am feeling at so chilled. I am actually looking forward to work tomorrow as there is nothing left for me to clean in the nest.

I have to admit, I was pleased with the brilliant boss this week (the truth is, although I was really cross a couple of months ago, I have always been extremely impressed by the brilliant boss). He gave me some work, and gave sufficient indication he was pleased with work I have been doing, and gave me the “ok” to work I have become involved in that has a loose connection to our team. So, I am occupied – and that is a great feeling. I am still not sure what to do about a lovely team mate who doesn’t seem to want to involve me in anything. All I can do is enjoy their company. I am going to leave work out of it. So, I am just cracking on with the work I love, and going out and making myself useful to anyone who looks as if they would appreciate a little help. It is interesting to me. Variety is fabulous.

In other news… wow, Jack has come through for me. He has been expressing my extraordinary thirst for more voluntary work. I am signed up to so much work throughout the spring and summer – my heart is leaping. It is such a joy to work with people from all nations and all cultures who are beautiful – beautiful. I am blessed. It’s also official – AI – we have gone on record to say no artificial intelligence will be needed. We have a different sort of AI – if you know what I am talking about, then you know. If you don’t – for goodness sake – catch up! There is a reason why many millions are full of hope – no matter how scary the movie is, they have read the book – and they know how this story ends.

You Can Pick ‘N’ Mix If You Choose

Jan 1, 2026 CARAMELODY 3 Comments

What does it mean when someone makes a big song and dance to everyone that they are not religious – they make a point of stating how far far from religious they are – but then they come to work throughout December wearing hard-to-miss jumpers inspired by a religious festival, they make a big performance of decorating a tree, a symbol of the same religious festival, and they sing along with all of the seasons crooners on the radio, and immerse themselves in every religious festivity going?

Is it a bit of a Pick ‘n’ Mix approach to what you believe? What you stand for?

I don’t consider myself religious – although I don’t talk about it in open. I don’t want to confuse or offend anyone. I am not comfortable in churches. I don’t even like going to see their art and architecture. They just don’t appeal to me. But I do love the scriptures. I love the scriptures dearly. I believe that humans are not qualified to govern independently of their Creator. I am convinced that Christ is a superior King to any human ruler (some of whom are frankly disturbing) – look what he is already doing in terms of educating his followers. I love creation. I love people and their capacity for amazing qualities. I don’t like commercial entities making cash out of people’s beliefs. I think I feel just a bit like Jesus did when he was in the temple and saw the money changers and those selling animals at extortionate prices to people who were sincere and in earnest. Yeah… I guess that is how I feel about the spectacle that is put on throughout December.

But it seems really odd that someone who would make such a big song and dance to everyone about not being religious would be upset that not many people were interested in the festivities. I think we were all just looking forward to being with our families and having a rest, so we kept our heads down most of the month to clear our work before we escaped.